From oracle-request Tue Nov 23 14:52:39 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA24531; Tue, 23 Nov 1993 14:52:39 -0500 Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 14:52:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #606 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 606 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #606 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 14:52:39 -0500 @@@ The Usenet Oracle in the press @@@ === ====== ====== == === ===== @@@ Check out the latest issue of _Internet_World_ (Jan/Feb 1994, Meckler) @@@ for a slick 3-page illustrated article on the Usenet Oracle by Kevin @@@ M Savetz. It's essentially an updated version of the article that @@@ appeared in _Boardwatch_ a while back, though this one includes a few @@@ sample Oracularities. To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 606 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 601 51 votes 6iea3 7gea4 5gi57 67k99 39kf4 268jg 9ge75 6cia5 a7acc 5dka3 601 3.0 mean 2.7 2.8 2.9 3.2 3.2 3.8 2.7 2.9 3.2 2.9 --- 606-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Orakel, most wise and omniescent, how comes your write yourself > with a 'k' and not with a 'c' ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm an optimization weenie. You know those neurotic socially- } challenged-types who stay up 72 hours at a time subsisting on nothing } but Oreos and Coca-Cola to eek an extra 5% of performance out of a } program by hand-translating it into assembler? } } Well, okay, I'm not quite that bad, but one look at the English } alphabet, and it's obvious that it's just *begging* for optimization. } } Take the letter 'C' for example. The two sounds it makes } are like 'S' (as in "circle") and like 'K' (as in "crap"). Thus, } it is *completely superfluous*, since it offers no unique sounds of } its own. So why not delete it? (Actually, I'm not sure whether or } not I should delete 'C', or whether I should delete 'S' and 'K' and } fold their phonemes into 'C'. Keeping 'C' saves two letters, but } keeping 'S' and 'K' means you can immediately identify which sound } you're supposed to make. I haven't decided which is more useful. } Comments welcome.) } } Another good example is 'X'; it has the phonemes 'KS' } (as in "fox") and 'Z' (as in "xylophone"). However, deleting 'X' } in favor of 'KS' increases the storage requirements for documents } containing 'X', which isn't good. We'd also have to find the new } name for the horizontal axis of a cartesian coordinate graph. } } So as you can see, I'm still in the process of initial } experimentation. I hope to submit an RFC within a couple of years. } } You owe The Orakel your solemn oath that you will never use } Unicode. --- 606-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the universe recursive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm.. *strokes her chin*.. an interesting theory this one! Let's } consider this question carefully. } } function universe(stars, planets: integer); } Type axis_type = (x,y,z); } } Var s,p,i: integer; star_loc, plan_loc: packed array[x..z] of real; } axis: axis_type; } } Begin } {create stars and planets} } s := 0; p := 0; } repeat } for axis := x to y do star_loc[axis] := rand; } if s < stars then Begin } if not star_found(star_loc) then addbody(star_loc, 'star') } else if not plan_found(star_loc) then addbody(star_loc, 'boom') } else addbody(star_loc, 'stardust'); } s := s + 1 } End{if}; } } for axis := x to y do plan_loc[axis] := rand; } if p < planets then Begin } if not star_found(plan_loc) then addbody(plan_loc, 'plan') } else if not plan_found(plan_loc) then addbody(plan_loc,'stardust') } else addbody(plan_loc, 'bigplan'); } p := p + 1 } End{if}; } } until (s = stars) and (p = planets); } } Begin } Universe(1e24, 7e11); } End. } } Wow! No recursion. My compiler created this, and after running I made a } nice shiny new universe! Sorry. It may be non-procedural however! I'll } leave that as an exercise for the student!! } } Love, oracless --- 606-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How are you doing today? Hey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am doing today the same way I do most days. I have many } responsibilites, not the least of which is answering questions from } unruly supplicants. I do days like this: } } 00:00 Answer questions, simultaneous examine every particle in universe } (just to make sure nothing goes wrong). } } 01:00 Answer questions, simultaneous development of theorem-producing } device, solving of Turing halting problem. } } 02:00 Answer questions, simultaneous reading of all literature in the } universe, plus analysis and critiquing (everyone's a critic). } } 03:00 Answer questions, simultaneous routine maintenance of space-time } continuum (needs a tweak every now and then, you know). } } 04:00 Answer questions, simultaneous go to bathroom. If some of the } answers sometimes seem strained, you'll now know why. } } 05:00 Answer questions, give policy advice at Gods' Meeting. } } 06:06.6 Answer questions, simultaneous give policy advice at } Demons' Meeting. } } 07:00 Answer questions, simultaneous start Gateswatch. Gateswatch will } be maintained until 0:00, when Bill Gates sleeps. I should try } stealing his teddy bear sometime. } } 08:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat breakfast. } } 09:00 Answer questions, simultaneous learn 6502 assembly language (just } a hobby, you understand.) } } 10:00 Answer questions, simultaneous do consulting work for Thanatos. } } 11:00 Answer questions, simultaneous codification of Omnipotents' } Policy, as determined by meetings. } } 12:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat lunch. } } 13:00 Answer questions, simultaneous send devious messages into the } brains of the world leaders (which should, in part, explain their } behaviour). } } 14:00 Answer questions, simultaneous use toilet. Should not have } consumed that many martinis at one sitting (record 24553). } } 15:00 Answer questions, simultaneous conference of Dead Scientists. } Today's topic: Alan Turing, and Ramifications of Oracular AI } Simulation. } } 16:00 Answer questions, simultaneous watch The Young and The Restless. } (Hey, we all have our vices.) } } 17:00 Answer questions, simultaneous proposition and make use of the } services of a sexual surrogate. (That's one of my other vices.) } } 18:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat dinner. } } 19:00 Answer questions, simultaneous taking of antacid tablets. } Evidently, you have to wait longer than an hour after sex before } eating. Kind of like swimming, in reverse. } } 20:00 Answer questions, simultaneous poker game, with God, Satan, } Thanatos (Death). } } 21:00 Answer questions, simultaneous start pub crawl. } } 22:00 Answer questions, simultaneous put fake antennae on my head, then } travel to secluded locations and frighten locals by prancing } around and making beep-beep noises. This is the sort of thing I } do when I'm drunk. I did this to Douglas Adams, once, but he was } also drunk, and wrote about it in a truly remarkable book called } The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. } } 23:00 Answer questions, simultaneous lean over the toilet and puke } until my nose bleeds. Now I'm ready to start the day. } } You owe the Oracle a really good hangover cure. And a deck of } marked cards. Satan cheats at poker, you know. And if you know } anything about that halting problem, give me a call. --- 606-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O super, sexy, stunning, sedacious, slurpy sexfadiddyious Oracle, > please lick me up and down. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *BANG* } |THUMP| *BIFF* } *SMACK* } .. } } >>THUD<< ! } } You owe the Oracle a Teach-Yourself-Boxing Course. Mike Tyson's, } preferably. --- 606-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whats your favorite music? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The scene: A BMW driving down the highway, late evening. } The Oracle, tired after a long day at work, is heading home, the } lovely Lisa by his side. } The Oracle pulls out a classical CD, "Holst's 'Planets'". } Lisa shakes her head. The Oracle puts it down. } The Oracle pulls out some heavy metal, "Metallica's" latest. } Lisa shakes her head. The Oracle puts it down. } The Oracle looks over at Lisa, knowing that his next decision } will decide what happens that evening. She points. } The Oracle Screams. } } Cut To: The Oracle's Office. The Oracle's Secretary is } shaking the Oracle awake. The Oracle is whimpering "Not Zamfi... Not } the damn pan flute... anything but that..." } } The answer is, almost anything. Except that damn flute. And } Barney. --- 606-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the words to O Canada? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, Canada! Mmwahh mwwahh mwhaahhhing } Mwayyahhah Mwahhhh Mwahhhh Mwahhhhahhh -ahh -ahh } Mwyaaaa nnnnNNNNGGGG!! Mwahhhaa Mwwhhhah } Oh, Canada, Mwahhng Mwahhnggghhhh } } You owe the Oracle a hockey puck and a better public address system --- 606-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people ask you questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because they don't know the answers. } } Because I'm there. } } Because, there are very few non-humans on the net. } } Because of insatiable coriosity. } } Because: "The Usenet Oracle requires a question to this answer!" } } Because. } } Because they have nothing better to do. } } Because they are sad bastards, living vicariously through the net. } } Because asking me statements gets frustrating. } } Because I'm the best there's ever been. } } But finally... } } Because, in spite of everything, I answer them. } } You owe the Oracle a better purpose in life. --- 606-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Majestic Oracle, how can I make more Mon > ey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I *am* pleased to get a tiny little grovel in today's batch } of supplications. I'll tell you an old Hungarian folktale that my } grandmother told me. } } Once upon a time there was a farmer, by the name of Matyas, who } kept an orchard. Matyas grew pears, the most delicious golden } pears, of which Hugarians make Csaszarkorte liquor ... but I } digress. One day a beggar came to Matyas' door, and although he } had nothing else to give, Matyas gave him pears. The beggar } looked at him strangely, then looked at the pears, and finally } bit into one. Delight! "What are these fruits called? They are } delicious!" The beggar explained that he came from a land far } away where pears had never been heard of. He ate his fill and } wandered on. } } Matyas was not a greedy man, but was very poor, so he thought to } himself: they've never tasted pears. I'll bet I can take these to } the kingdom where the beggar came from and sell them at a really } good profit! } } So he took his cart and harnessed up his donkey, and travelled } for many days, over the plains and up to the mountains, to the } beggar's homeland. When he arrived there he realised why they'd } never tasted pears - it was a barren and stony place. Pear trees } would never grow here. } } The king was not hard to find, as he lived in a huge stone castle } atop a mountain. Matyas was well received, and when he brought } the pears to the king, he presented them as golden treasures fit } only for the palate of the noblest and best people in the land. } The king and his wife tried them, and were amazed and delighted. } They bought up the entire wagon-load, paying Matyas a handsome } weight of gold. Nothing but gold in exchange for these golden } wonders! } } Matyas returned safely home with his gold. At the least } prompting, he would launch into the story of the king of the } mountains, and the land where fruit trees could not grow. } } Matyas' neighbor Gyula was not a jealous man, but he was poor. He } listened to Matyas tell his story over and over. Gyula had a } cherry orchard, and grew the kind of sweet cherries that } Hungarians use to make Cseresznepalinka liquor... but I digress. } So one day it occurred to Gyula, to take cherries up into the } mountains and sell them to the king there. He thought to himself, } "Pears are sweet and smell good, that's true, but cherries are } even sweeter, and have a better taste too. Surely if the king } paid Matyas in gold, he'll pay me with the most precious things } in his kingdom! I shall come home with a sack full of diamonds." } } And so he loaded up his cart and set off towards the mountains. } He reminded himself of Matyas' story, and easily found the king's } castle. } } Once there, he was cordially received by the king and queen. The } entire court shared the cartload of cherries, and they were } declared to be the veritable food of the gods. Gyula was feasted } and feted for nearly a week. The king declared that he would pay } Gyula with the most valuable thing in his kingdom. Gyula said, "I } am deeply honoured your majesty. Will it be diamonds? Emeralds?" } "Feh," said the king (Hungarians say "Feh" a *lot*), "Feh. } Diamonds. No, I want to pay you with something truly rare and } exceptionally valuable. Do not try to talk me out of it - you must } have the most valuable thing in my kingdom." } } And so Gyula left for home the next day, with his donkey, and his } cart, and a load of yellow pears. } } You owe the oracle a glass of milk and some cookies. Csokolate Csip. --- 606-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, will More have a complete Inter > net gateway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. Not much to go on here. The word 'More' is obviously } meant as a name since it is capitalized. Perhaps you mean } Gordon Moore, CEO of Intel? Or maybe Roger Moore, who tried } his hand at playing James Bond for bit? Millard Fill-More, } 13th President of the United States? Van Morr-ison, music } sensation? Mor-ticia Aadams? The Mor-mon Tabernacle Choir? } Samual Mor-se (of Mor-se code)? Mor-occo? The (African) Moors? } The (Scottish) moors? Rebecca DeMORnay? Mor-gan Fairchild? } /usr/ucb/more ? Mor-phine? A Claymore (mine)? A Claymore (sword)? } Phar-Mor Pharmacy? A Mor-ay eel? Morgan le Fey? Morning sickness? } The Morning star? The Mor-al Majority? The Jefferson MemMORial? } } I don't believe any of them will get a complete Internet gateway, } except maybe the Intel guy. } } You owe the Moracle^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Oracle the source code for 'less'. --- 606-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, in comparison to whom an eater of the fruit > of the tree of knowledge would appear to be slightly sub-average, > please riddle me this: > > What's the big deal with raisins? I mean, the're just dried grapes, > right? > > I remain, > Fractional Wes And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Fractional Wit, } } I'm plum astonished that you're raisin this question. } Who gives a fig about it? } } You gotta get with it, and flow with the currant. } You have lots of grape questions in you, waiting to get out, } but first you have to prune these useless ones from your repertoire. } } You could have asked for a date with Lisa, } so I could have replied why not a cumquat. } } You owe the Oracle a riper question.