From oracle-request Mon Nov 29 08:24:13 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA18502; Mon, 29 Nov 1993 08:24:13 -0500 Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1993 08:24:13 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #607 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 607 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #607 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1993 08:24:13 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 607 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 602 57 votes gfh72 2dgh9 7glb2 6jha5 7am8a 6ik94 03iv5 129dw d9bg8 4ip82 602 3.1 mean 2.4 3.3 2.7 2.8 3.1 2.8 3.7 4.3 2.9 2.8 --- 607-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty oracle, keeper of all riddles... > > I recently learned that an ancient greek oracle divined prophecies > by inhaling gas that came from a deep fissure in the ground. What do > you inhale that gives you so much pep? > > **BTW, I am, as you know, NOT Bill Clinton. Please try to keep your > answer topical. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hilary, If I told you once, I told you a thousand times.... } } I DID NOT INHALE!!!! } } - Bill "Filling in for the Oracle on Guest Day" C. } } P.S. Almost forgot, you owe the oracle, today that's me, a Health Care } plan that works for once.... --- 607-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Most Gracious and Wise Oracle, please tell me, > > Why must I answer questions for You? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ME? I'm the one who's answering the question! } } Obvoiusly you have no idea what the Oracle means. Let me explain. } } You see, if the Oracle's questions were all answered by a single } person, or even a group of people in some CS lab, not only would } this/these person/people be overwhelmed with work, but the chances of } getting certain questions answered would be slim if they fell outside } of these people's range of knowledge... Considering the Oracle is } located in a hick state like Indiana, the only questions that don't get } answered would be woodchuck questions, since Indianans know woodchucks } better than Nature origiannly intended them to. Questions on how to } meet chicks in the CS labs would go unanswered, because the thought } wouldn't occur to these people to go OUT of the CS labs. } } As a result, the entire Oracle system is spread through an email system } where your questions get sent to people who probably just sent out } the same question you just asked. And as a result, you get a nice, } humorous response that differs in style every time you consult the } Oracle, since a single supplicant's questions rarely get sent to the } same user twice. You might get a response from a comic genius who } delives you a hilarious pee-your-pants response AND answers your } question, or you could get some dumb guy with no clue who simply } replies "hay how cum i hav to replie 2 mesages im the one with the } ???s!"... which is usually the case. } } Besides, nothing is free. If you expect someone to answer a stupid } question for you, you might as well answer someone else's stupid } questions. If there were just a select group of people who answered } all the stupid questions you had, your sum of knowledge would amount } only to this group's knowledge. This group could plant messages } in your mind, subliminal messages, that might be a part of a grand } scheme of theirs. They could eventually coax you into delivering a } pint of nitroglycerin to a parking lot, or they could brainwash you } into re-electing Clinton. When knowledge only comes from one source, } that source has absolute power, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. } } Another reason you have to answer other people's questions is, } we are all guinea pigs in a sick project by cs.indiana.edu. } While we're running around like chickens with our heads cut off, } answering each other's dumb questions and avenging each other with } even dumber ones, the people at cs.indiana.edu are putting the most } entertaining of us on display, like caged animals, on the Usenet } newsgroup "rec.humor.oracle". We're performing for them like trained } animals, jumping through hoops. } } Finally, if you're lucky, the question sent to you will have a nice } grovel in it. "O Oracle whose IQ, if written down, would wipe out } the rain forest"... that kind of thing. It's a real ego trip. and } if they don't grovel, you can ZOT them, like this... } } ///// ||||| \\\\\ } / | | \ } !!! / | | \ !!! } / | | \ } ///// ||||| \ } } That's what you get for being stupid! } } You owe the Oracle a pint of nitroglycerin, in the parking lot on 23rd } and Van Buren. --- 607-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh! Oracle, who has only the finest in brains, courage, and heart, > please tell me: > > Who was the "real" star of The Wizard of Oz? I don't believe it was > that namby-pamby Dorothy, and the other 3 with her were pretty weird, > although I think I may have dated that lion before. I think the leader > of the munchkins would get my vote, or possibly that guy at the Emerald > City who cried at the door. Only you know the real answer though. > > Love, gloria And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gosh, here it is just Monday, and already I've a question } from Gloria -- it's enough to make my bus ill. } } Ah, well, sic transit gloria mundi, as they say, and so I'll } see if I can excel this day. } } The real star of the Wizard of Oz was me, of course; I } suppose you knew that, otherwise why ask? } } What you didn't know, though, was what role I played in the } film; you've watched it again and again hoping for a glimpse } of me, but always ended up in bleary-eyed disappointment. } } Truth of the matter is, it was early in my career, and I } didn't get a speaking part. Well, actually, I didn't even } get a walk-on, you never see me on screen. } } How, then, you ask (and I can clearly hear you ask), } can I claim to be the star? Was it a voice-over? } Did I dub Judy's singing parts? } } No, and no. Remember the scene in the Emerald City where the } Talent says "a horse of a different color", and magically } the horse changes color? Best thing in the whole movie, right? } } Well, *I* did that. } } You owe the Oracle a wheelbarrow of bull manure; } I seem to have used mine all up. --- 607-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, my name is Melissa Geard. I am a student at Rosetta High School > in Tasmania, Australia. Have you been to Australia before? Madonna is > currently on tour in Australia. Do you think she exploits herself too > much? Also, will I ever go out with this guy I like, his name is > Michael Christie. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like all deities, I reside in a tasteful residence in the north } of Canada. I *know* Australia is a wonderful place, being } omniscient. What's that place I created early on in my tenure as } Omniscient and Omnipotent Deity of All Earthly Manifestation? } Fern Gulch? Moss Valley? Something like that. Anyway, one of my } favorite inventions. I feel moved to recite... } } On her left side the Diva lies } Round eyes and milky silken thighs } She's bought it all, what money buys } Big cars, nice clothes, and famous guys } And many-towered Hollywood. } And up and down the Porsches go } Gazing where her windows glow } A beacon to them there below } In old West Hollywood } } Critics praise, employees shiver, } Teenage boys do stare and quiver; } Her PR stunts go on forever } Like a never-ending river } Flowing down to Hollywood. } A barbed wire fence and uniforms } Protect her world renowne'd charms } From all who'd inflict grievous harms } On the Lady of WeHo } } Only trashmen, sweeping early, } Unshav'd men, begloved and burly } Hear a song that echoes cheerly } From the mansion winding clearly } Down to towered Hollywood. } And by the moon the trashmen weary, } With bloodshot eyes and voices beery, } Listening, whisper " 'Tis the eerie } Lady of WeHo." } } ...well, I could go on like this all night. But let's take a look } at the cards to see what they say about your romantic life: } } The Cheese-Vizier } Your future will include an aromatic, well-rounded man of } substantial body and refined texture. He is best taken with } a drop of Burgundy, or if you must, a glass of port. Do not } eat apples while the two of you are together. Remember the } old saying: *buy on apples, sell on cheese*. } } Well, that's encouraging so far. Let's see what's next: } } The Five of Tabernacles. } You will feel an irresistible urge to genuflect. Do not } attempt to smuggle holy books across international borders. } A dark man with a thick accent will stumble across you in } strange circumstances. Luck in times of flood. } } Well, they're a bit obscure sometimes. Were you thinking of } visiting Southeast Asia during the monsoon season, perhaps? With } a load of Korans stashed secretively in your luggage? Resist the } temptation. Next: } } The Eight of Trilobites. } You will desire to squish about in the mud on the sea floor. } } Aha! so you _were_ planning on Southeast Asia. And now: } } The Three of Trilobites. } You will desire to squish about in the mud on the sea floor. } } Well, yes. OK. Next: } } The Seventeen of Peanuts } You are a sensitive person, filled with the milk of human } kindness. You will attract attention from higher-ups, } especially if they are ovo-lacto-vegetarians. Beware of } soiled kleenexes, they may herald unwanted visitors. } } Sound advice, what say? And useful that bit about attracting } attention. Does this young man live on the floor above you or } something? } } Goodness. Where did I put my teeth? } } You owe the oracle one tube of denture fixative. --- 607-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, who knows all things, pray tell me : > > Why do sheep have short fluffy tails? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle refuses to answer that question on the grounds that } it might incriminate him. --- 607-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why the differences in who gets what vacations off, O wonderous > Oracle of Trivial Matters and Really Nice Shoes? Some people get > every Sunday off AND every little beknownst holiday scribbled > on a caladen (say like -oh- the Post Office) while others get > only the vacations that cause the Malls to put up signs for > holiday sales -- the Big Ones (like certain Universities who > shall remain nameless). Of course, there's also those who never > take ANY vacations, like yourself, O Oracle of Trivial Shoes > and Really Nice Matters. Why is that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I certaintly cant speak for other oragnizations, but ours bases } vacation time on a relatively simple hierarchy. Heres a list of the } basic classes of employees: } } Class1: } The very top of the pyramid here at Usenet Oracularities, inc., } this bunch includes Kinzler and other top dogs of the priesthood. } Generally, they have unlimited vacation time, as their only job is } to enjoy the massive cashflow produced by commercial endorsements and } extorsion. They're generally a rather slack lot, especially Kinzler. } Too bad the poor fool doesn't realize that he only has 2 years, } 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days to enjoy himself... Opps! Forget I } said that! } } Class 2: The oracle priesthood. Yes, the usual greasy-nerds-with-no- } life stereotype does apply here. They get rather liberal vacation } allowances, though they never use them. You couldnt pry one of these } guys loose from the safety of his (or her) computer terminal with a } crowbar. } } Class 3: The 'galley slaves' of the corporation. This group consists } mainly of employees who were caught misbehaving (ie writing Lisa's } phone # on the men's room stall, or posting questions on behalf of the } alt.fans.l*murs newsgroup), or those poor souls won by me from Satan } during one of our frequent poker games. They get no vacation time at } all, and spend every waking hour (all 20 of them) working at the } terminals they're chained to. They are fed a single bowl of gruel } flavored with w**dch*k meat (the corpses are easily gathered from the } perimeter of the main compound's external security system) each day and } are cleansed and de-loused every sunday. Their work consists of, for } the most part, writing cheap and pointless answers to questions not } deemed worthy of my attention (was this really written by the Oracle } himself? Haha! You'll never know!!). } } This, as I said earlier, is a _very_ basical framework for the work } hierarchy here. A complete list of the positions here at Usenet } Oracularities would be several volumes long. I hope that this has } enlightened you some, mortal. } } You owe the oracle a completed application for the position of } 'assistant woodchuk grinder' here at Usenet Oracularities. --- 607-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' Wise and Cool Oracle, Please Answer this simple question for me: > > How can I overcome my writers' block? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Consider. Writer's block is the psycholinguistic analogue of } constipation. To treat constipation, what do you do? Consume a } diet high in fiber: crude, indigestible material which in itself } provides nothing of nutritional value but which facilitates peristaltic } action. Now, what would be the linguistic equivalent of non-nutritive } fiber? } } Legal documents, of course. } } So the cure is for you to enroll in law school. In short time your } writer's block will be cured, and you will be producing voluminous } quantities of prose on a regular basis. Analogous in shape, texture, } odor, and social utility to the product of peristaltic action--but then } you DID want to be unblocked. } } You owe the Oracle your first-born child. --- 607-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me truely, oh wise one, for I am in sore need: > > Why do I spend so much time on the Internet, instead of getting a real > life like all those people in the shows on cable TV? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are a boring supplicant, and you should grovel more. I'm feeling } particularly benevolent today, so I'll let you in on a big secret... } ...cable tv is the antichrist, and should be stopped at all costs. The } people you see there are propaganda devices employed to make the real } people who run the planet, the intelligentsia, feel like they should } have social lives. These propaganda machines also serve the function } of making the boring pretariate look up to the ideals of cable tv. } This makes them work even harder. Look at what cable tv has given } us... or rather, who.. Pauly Shore, the Bobbitts, Conan O'Brian, and } the ringleader of them all, the king of the deviants, pedophile } supreme, Satan himself: BARNEY! Barney is evil. Barney is bad. } Barney epitomizes cable tv. When Beavis & Butthead made that } five-year-old burn down his trailer, kill his sister, and put warnings } in the beginning of the show, **it was at the evil command of Barney** } In order to crush evil, we must crush Barney. Avoid cable tv. If you } ever look at a CRT that has been infected with the essence of evil, } cable tv, I order you to give youlf 20 lashes with a bicycle chain, } while singing `I love you, You love me, we're a dysfunctional family'. } You owe the Oracle five minutes of advertising space during the } superbowl, a Ford Cortina, and a way to stop all this annoying line } noise. --- 607-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, whose tusks are always looser, > > One of my favorite songs sung by Groucho is > "Whatever it is, I'm against it", from the movie Horsefeathers. > > Now I hear it's being re-recorded and released as a single > by Bob Dole, > on the flip side of "Tax and Spend". > > What further developments can we expect in political music? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look for these coming soon to the Politics section of your local music } store from Sound Bite Records. } } ARTIST: Ann Richards, governor of Texas } TITLE: Collider Slippin' Away } DESCRIPTION: Country album. Includes title song about the death of } the superconducting supercollider; "Do we Hafta NATFA?"; "Aikman Breaky } Heart" (about the Dallas Cowboys); "Friends in High Places" (about Bill } Clinton). } } ARTIST: Bob Packwood, senator, R-Ore. } TITLE: "Somebody's Watchin' Me" b/w "Twenty-Eight Princesses" } DESCRIPTION: Pop single } } ARTIST: Janet Reno, attorney general } TITLE: These Boots Are Made for Walkin' } DESCRIPTION: Rock album including "Turn It Down (Or I'll Turn It } Off)"; "No Automatics for the People"; "The Ballad of NYPD Blue"; and } "In the Name of Law" } } ARTIST: Socks the Cat } TITLE: Sock's Favorites Volume 1. } DESCRIPTION: Compilation of cheesy pop songs plus two versions of } "Jingle Bells"--one performed by dogs and the other by cats. } } ARTIST: Warren Christopher, secretary of state } TITLE: "I Don't Get No Respect" b/w "What the Hell Are We Doing In } This Awful Place?" } DESCIPTION: In this blues single Christopher sings about his } foreign policy experiences. } } ARTIST: Ross Perot } TITLE: It's That Simple } DESCRIPTION: Rap album including "Talk Show Rappin'"; "Say Goodbye } to Your Jobs"; "Whoomp! Here I Am"; and "I'm All Ears (Talk to Me)" } } ARTIST: Hillary Rodham Clinton } TITLE: I Got the Power } DESCRIPTION: Pop/dance EP, including title song; "Don't Worry Be } Happy (We'll Take Care of Everything)"; and ""People Are Still Having } Unprotected Sex." } } Lisa insisted that I include the following even though it won't be } available until March 1994. } } ARTIST: Al Gore, vice-president } TITLE: "Enter Rainforest Man" b/w "We're Gonna Reinvent This } Government" and "Here Comes the Acid Rain" } DESCRIPTION: Heavy-metal single } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _Rolling Stone_'s Year In Review issue and } a new set of tusks. --- 607-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, who, if He ever needed to look > for a job, which would never happen, except by > His choice, because no one would dare fire Him, > would have no trouble finding a new one, please > answer the query of this pitiful mortal. > > Is there a creative way to work the phrase > "Problem Flatulence" into my resume which > will ensure that I get a job? I'm a CS > major, if it matters. > > I remain, > Fractional Wes And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy. } } \fBPapers Presented\fR } } "A Fractal Model of Problem Flatulence, with Suggestions for Real- } Time Terrain Modelling." 3rd Annual International Conference } on Fractal Representation, Indianapolis, Indiana, 5 August - } 8 August 1993.