From oracle-request Wed Dec 1 09:16:07 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA04306; Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:16:07 -0500 Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:16:07 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #608 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 608 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #608 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:16:07 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 608 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 603 48 votes 7eh73 18bdf 6bic1 6cba9 55je5 2go51 12fic 2gk82 17kh3 p9680 603 3.0 mean 2.7 3.7 2.8 3.1 3.2 2.7 3.8 2.8 3.3 1.9 --- 608-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Oracle I think I know this thing about 42 now. I am just wondering > what about 43 ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The number 43 has some fascinating and mysterious properties: } } * It is the first prime number, besides 7, the sum of whose digits } equals the mystical number 7! } } * If you reverse its digits you get 34, the sum of whose digits is } also 7! } } * 34 is the product of 2 x 17. 17 is the first prime number after } 7 that contains the mystical number 7! } } * 43 times 34 equals 1462 ; 1 + 4 + 6 + 2 = 13; } if you take the SUM of 13, 1 + 3 = 4, and the PRODUCT, 1 x 3 = 3, } you get 43 again!! Now, look at that number 1462 once more: } } 1 * ( 4 + ( 6 / 2 ) ) = 7 !!!!! } } * 43 squared equals 1849, the year of the California Gold Rush and } of course the Forty-Niners. 49 is the square of 7!!! } } * 43! equals approximately 6.04 x 10^52. The sum of the digits in the } exponent, 5 + 2, is . . . 7 !!!!! } } * The septadecimal (base 7) representation of 43 is 61. 6 + 1 = 7 } } 42 ain't got NOTHING that 43 don't have! --- 608-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, who not only understands the innermost mysteries of > the universe but is responsible for creating many of them, please > answer me this one if you're so damn smart. > > Science is marching on. Geneticists are finding all sorts of fun > things to do with gene-splicing, like inserting genes from oak trees > into straberries to increase their hardiness and inserting genes from > dogs into celery to make it smarter. > > My question is this: if you insert the genes of a pig into a tomato, > does that make the tomato trayf? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Years* ago I tinkered with genetics, haha brings back some } memories...especially that earthworm with Micheal Jackson's head, that } thing just sat around in the cage all day and...haha, oh never mind. } Now back to your question, hmm let's see...A pig and a tomatoe eh? Did } I ever do that one? Let's see ...pig has..right 45 } chromso...tomatoe..that's 56...carry the 1...that chain links up with } that acid...right, yup OK it works, yes *veeeery* nice. Makes the } tomatoe pink and hairy, but as far as trayfness, no you're not going } to be able to increase that with pig genes, now try lama genes, there } you're going to make it trayf. } } You owe the Oracle a pizza marinara. --- 608-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, > > Someone told me today that I was going to kill my father and marry my > mother. Should I worry? Have you ever heard of something like that > happening? > > Just wondering... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are suffering from the Edifice complex. After you assault and/or } marry your relatives, you will feel a compulsive urge to erect a tall } office building. --- 608-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and tells all (for a price) I > humbly beg an answer from you: > > Why is it in this day and age my company STILL has me working on > hardware with an 8088 processor? To get rid of these antiques I've > tried spilling coffee into them, plugging them into my 220v Clothes > Dryer outlet, and even a guest shot on the "Chevy Chase Show" (which is > sure to send anything to oblivion). How do they keep coming back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 8088's are durable because they use the highest quality in vacuum } tubes. } } <<< ducking a tomato >>> } } OK... sorry about that. } Actually, to fill you in, your computers aren't really running on } 8088's. They're merely operating under the Microsoft Windows } environment. } } <<< ducking tomatoes >>> } } OK.... I got a better one. } } Maybe if you quit breaking all their computers, they wouldn't have to } keep replacing them and they could upgrade! } } OK.. that should work. } } You owe the Oracle a CGA card... and if you can make it the buggy kind } that puts snow on the screen and flashes the whole screen whenever it } tries to scroll... and also give me a monochrome monitor, and the kind } of cable that makes all the colors the same intensity, so I have no } idea whats on the screen, and if you could have the monitor be one of } those that has over a dozen different pornographic pictures burned in } on the screen, and... and if you could get the kind that has the screen } permanently shifted to the left so far you can't see the C:\ prompt, } and even if you could, it would be burned in.. ))SLAP!((.. sorry, the } Oracle has the same problem. --- 608-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Oracle what do you want for christmas presents ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Being omniscient can be frustrating at times. Not only do I know what } I want for christmas presents, I also know what I am going to get, } what I will feel like, what I will say to Auntie Dot, and at what } point I will fall backwards into the punch, to the hilarity of those } present, and many not. } } However, with a due sense of resignation and dread, I append the } following: } } What I Want What I Get What I Say What I Think } ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ } The Macallan Xmas socks How amusing! How about a whisky? } BBC Radio 4 Xmas socks How original! How much more can I take? } A nice brisk walk Lost Where am I? Where am I? } Pi e How irrational! 4-4/3+4/5-4/7+4/9... } Game Pie GameBoy Just once more Pow! Pow! Pow! } A nice kip An ice pick Who picked this? ZZZzzzzzz. } Answers Questions Nothing Everything. } } You owe the Oracle an amusing card that plays "Jingle Bells" in F#, } and a pair of highly amusing Christmas socks. --- 608-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh no. > Not again. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, it has happened again. } } It has been another long, hard day at school. Your english teacher } wants that research paper that you haven't worked on for months, your } Calculus professor just announced a surprise exam, and the astrophysics } homework is one problem that should only take you the next day and a } half. You're sweaty, nervous, and you made the mistake of eating at } McDonald's again. } } You come home to find that your "well-trained" pooch has left what } looks like Lake Michigan on your carpet, you find that the microwave } oven has blown a fuse and turned your house into what the EPA calls an } "environmental threat" which means you only have to pay $500,000 for } someone to clean it up. } } You turn on the answering machine, only to find that your Visa is way } over limit, your girlfriend just left you for some guy named Lenny with } no hair, and you've been fired from your job at Safeway. Just another } long, hard day. } } Hoping to relax, you sit down at your computer, your one prized } possession. You spend over ten-thousand on it. The special titanium } case was one-of-a kind. You've got the 21 inch monitor, the 5 gigabyte } hard drive, the 17600 BPS fax/modem, the parallel pentium processors, } the 16.7 quadzillion color S-SVGA card, the sound card that sings } Madonna tunes on command, the color camera, the TV connection, the } remote control, the six-disc CD-Rom changer, the most agile and precise } joysticks ever made, using some kind of moon rock, the color } scanner that knows Shakespeare, and, of course, the computer-genital } interface. And about 99% of all programs ever made for PCs. Yes, this } is your one reason for living, your IBMoreMoney 5000 Special, } customized for you by some guy in Florida, it was worth the 2000 hours } at Safeway. } } You sit down and gaze longingly at the blank screen, hoping that } somehow, it will all get better. } } Beep! You can hear the redundant fail-safe super anti-virus checker } making sure no one has been able to touch your precious files. Beep! } Beep! "No virus' found during scan" As you sit there, waiting, you } watch as the now-famalier "Windows NT" logo comes onto the screen, then } the "O/S 2.1" logo comes on. Yes, in your madcap ways, you had been } able to install O/S 2.1 inside Windows NT. The best of both worlds, } you thought. } } "Connect I-net" you calmly type. } } Beep! } "Login:" } carefully you spell it out - "Bill Clinton" } Beep! } "Password:" } searching your memory, you finally are able to extract it - } "xxxxxxxxxx" "Now connected to server Superman at Harvard.edu" } } Suddenly, something unexpected happens. } Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! } A hundred, a thousand, maybe a million times it beeps before you } realize your hard drive has been running for the last ten minutes. } } Frantically, you reach for the phone line. But it is too late. } Beep! "Disconnected from server" } } quickly, you type those few letters: "Dir" } "/" } } Your worst fears have been realized. Someone, somehow, has unleashed a } dreadful virus that erased every last file from your Titanium Gold 5 } Gigabyte hard drive that cost $6000 by itself. Every program, every } last file, every piece of information stored there lost. } } You suddenly realize a drowning feeling. You look down. You just wet } your pants. No less, the $300 Armani pants. But that doesn't bother } you so much now as the radiation poisoning which at this very moment is } decaying your lungs, making each breath of air feel like molasses. } Your dog just peed on the carpet again. Now he's chewing off your leg. } You can do nothing to fight back, as you start to lose consciousness. } Things go blurry. You can barely see the "All files deleted" message } on the screen anymore. You can no longer feel the dog's razor-like } teeth in your ankle anymore. You fall to the floor, and smile, a sick } twisted smile telling the world just where it can shove it. With a } thud, your head hits the floor, squishing the dog pee around your head. } Your eyes close. Then all is black. } } "WAKE UP!" You've got to get to class." You look up to see your } roomate. Your pants are dry and the dog is licking your face. You're } in bed, a book by your side. You look at the title: "Life and times of } an Internet Loser" You wonder if it was all a dream. } } When you get to class, your teacher passes out an exam... --- 608-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, master of all knowledge, what does UNIX stand for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ken Thompson claims that UNIX is "a weak pun on Multics," but this is } a lie. UNIX is a weak pun on eunuch. Look around you. Are any of } your male peers ever going to reproduce? And if their significant } others DO become pregnant-- will you not doubt the identity of the } father? } } UNIX is not all that impressive an operating system. Why, then, is it } so popular? *UNIX is addictive!* And, just like heroin, the UNIX } drive quickly displaces the sex drive. (Oh, sure, computer geeks talk } a lot about wanting to get laid... but do they ever *do* anything } about it?) } } Yet terrible as UNIX addiction is, there are worse fates. If UNIX is } the heroin of operating systems, then VMS is barbiturate addiction, } the Mac is MDMA, and MS-DOS is sniffing glue. (Windows is filling } your sinuses with lucite and letting it set.) } } You owe the Oracle a twelve step program. --- 608-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a woodchuck would grovel, what would it do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a tough one. I can make a few educated guesses though: } } 1. "O mighty and powerful Oracle who" -- } [woodchuck is instantly vaporized and never bothers the Oracle } again] } } That's the most likely outcome. But suppose the Oracular } All-Powerful and Pretty-Damn-Frightening Supplicant Punishment device } (i.e. the ZOTer) was not working, and so the woodchuck was actually } able to finish the grovel, then things would get more interesting: } } 2. "O mighty and powerful Oracle who is much too kind at heart to } ZOT an innocent woodchuck such as myself . . . " } } [woodchuck waits in anxious anticipation of impending . . . } . . . then breaths a sigh of relief when no comes.] } } " . . . please tell me: how many ZOTs could an Oracle ZOT if an } Oracle could ZOT ZOTs?" } } Of course, depending on the exact woodchuck asking the question, the } specific content of the question could vary: } } space-faring wookchuck: } } How much space could a spaceship ship if a spaceship could ship } space? } } dyslexic woodchuck: } } How much chuck would a chuckwood wood if a chuckwood could wood } chuck? } } hungry woodchuck: } } How much soda could a soda cracker crack if a soda cracker could } crack soda? } } British woodchuck: } } How much cup could a tea cup cup if a tea cup could cup tea? } -or- } How much time could tea time time if tea time could time tea? } } Dead woodchuck: } } Confused woodchuck: } } How far south would I travel east if I could travel southeast. } } Hacker woodchuck: } } (a) How many disks could a disk drive drive if a disk drive could } drive disks? } } (b) How much C could a C shell shell if a C shell could shell C? } } Omniscient woodchuck: } } Move over Orrie, this is my job now!!! } } Well there you have it. As a final note, I must inform you that all } of this is purely hypothetical. No woodchuck has ever asked me a } question (usually because they don't survive long enough) so I can't } draw from actual experience. } } You owe the Oracle a toothbrush that could brush tooth if the } toothbrush could brush tooth. --- 608-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > @@@ This is a compressed Oracular Request > @@@ Compression method: Oracular Optimum Compression v9.23 > @@@ Compressed size: 1 byte. > > ~ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } @@@ This is an expanded Oracular Answer } @@@ Expansion method: Oracular Optimum Expansion v1.01 } @@@ Expanded size: } expANDED SIZE: G"& } Arithmetic Overflow } Core Dumped --- 608-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I heard in a movie, > "There are some things man was not meant to know." > > For example? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That your car is being towed for parking in the theatres handicapped } spaces. } } Have a nice walk home.