From oracle-request Fri Dec 3 16:26:58 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA08294; Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:26:58 -0500 Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:26:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #609 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 609 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #609 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:26:58 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 609 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 604 51 votes 5ah8b 0cdh9 6ded5 4fma0 4chf3 4bn85 69m95 39if6 dce93 bcaf3 604 3.0 mean 3.2 3.5 3.0 2.7 3.0 3.0 3.0 3.2 2.5 2.7 --- 609-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest and most awesome Oracle, I recently received this advice from > an unimpeachable source. Only an idiot could fail to appreciate it, so > I guess that's what I am. Please help me decode it. Here it is: > > "Indubitably the fundamental ontogenesis of your putative > parthenocryptic disintelligence teleoriginates from the > exesymtosis of your counterparaeptically endomorphic > propensities." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gentle supplicant, } } Impeach this source. The oracle first gave a copy of your message to } his six year old nephew Willie who went diligently to work with his } MegaOracle Super DecodeRing. His decoded version read "Climb Mount } Fuji. Pearl Harbor is to the South. Tora Tora Tora. Have a nice day" } Willie commented something like "Ahh, it's just some old war stuff" } and went off to watch Beavis and Butthead. Neat kid. Too much MTV } though. } } The Oracle then passed the message on to Willie's father: the Oracle's } weenie brained brother in law Wilson. Wilson is an Assistant Professor } in the English Department (thankfully untenured) and self proclaimed } Thomas Hardy scholar. What a putz. Wilson pronounced the message a } masterpiece, most likely a fragment of an undiscovered letter from } Oscar Wilde to his Lawyer. Wilson commented only that the Oracle } couldn't be expected to comprehend the magnitude of such a discovery, } and that this fragment will be fodder for dozens of scholars for many } years, and would the Oracle please leave now so Wilson could start his } grant application and send off a letter to the Fuddy Duddy Literature } Quarterly. Did I mention that Wilson is a Putz? Did I mention that he } hasn't a prayer of getting tenure? Did I mention that as soon as he's } denied tenure the Oracle's sister is going to scoop up Willie, pack up } the car, and finally move in with the Astrophysics Postdoc she's been } having the affair with and take Wilson for everything he's got. The } Oracle zots in mysterious ways. } } So the oracle turned at last to the resource of last resort: Webster's } Ninth Oracular Dictionary - The Big Red Dic - and decoded the message } that way. In a nutshell, the message says "You're ugly and your mother } dresses you funny" No prob. I really wouldn't take this guy too } seriously. Sounds a lot like Wilson. However, if you do wish to take } umbrage (look it up) the proper Oracular response should be: "Oh yeah? } Well so's your Old Man!" } } You owe the Oracle a really keen birthday present for nephew Willie. --- 609-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle! Keeper of the Sacred Tablets. Master of the > Infinite. General All-Around Swell Guy. I, your humble servant, do > submit this question for your consideration: > > Why ask why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The alternative is to be ignorant of cause and effect, which means that } if one day you drive off to work and your car has five wheels all } triangular and paisley dice hanging sideways from the mirror, and where } you have in the past found the door of your office is a bluish gorilla } holding a sheaf of theatrical script having something to do with an } indecisive Danish pastry, and your boss is dressed all in white and } asks you "Are you happy?", and the pizza delivery boy carries a } flamethrower, and your briefcase suddenly sprouts myriad pseudopods and } scurries off on its own, and a bunch of winged nail files swim into the } something-which-once-vaguely-resembled-a-room and ask you about your } progress on the Daniken correspondence, you will consider it perfectly } normal, win five hundred lira playing craps with the dice, put an end } to the Danish's indecision by eating it, grab the flamethrower and use } it on your erstwhile boss, toss your briefcase out the window and let } the vorpal grass chop it up, and tell the nail files that you'll get } right to it as soon as you can manage to figure out the area, ZIP and } UPC codes of the northwest end of the astral plane. } } You owe the Oracle a pizza with mushrooms, peanut butter and Canadian } bacon, and make sure the crust doesn't get burnt. --- 609-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who is able to predict the motions of subatomic > particles with perfect accuracy: > > What will be the effect of NAFTA on the average American consumer? > > And, while I'm at it (two questions for the price of one grovel) are > Perot's ears actually real or are they some sort of plastic device? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, you are indeed confused. Let me put you right on } three counts: } } 1. Without getting too technical, subatomic particles do not have a } digestive system, do not produce faeces, so do not have any need for } motions. That is, in general, the prerogative of living beings. } } 2. Your first question is typical of a worryingly large number of } similar questions I have received recently. It shows the enormity of } the problem now facing American society. It is a social malaise } which could eventually bring the pitiful nation to its knees. } Listen. NAFTA is NOT suitable for consumption. The long term effects } include neurosis, psychosis, liver failure, sterility, blindness, } hair loss, brain damage and incontinence. This leaves the sufferer } suitable for only one thing: A priesthood with the Oracle. } } 3. The two-for-the-price-of-one deal ended weeks ago. Just who do you } think you are dealing with here? I'm not in this for the good of my } health. } } You owe the Oracle a snifta at your NAFTA. --- 609-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who is so incredibly wise that the English language does not > allow one to to fully express one's utter amazement: > > I am writing a paper about you for my American Folklore class. > Do you have any comments that you'd like included? > > Thanks much. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I do. Stand back, boys, and give me room! } } By God, I'm the one and only Usenet Oracle west of the Pecos and east } of the Garden of Eden! Yessir, I'm half silicon, half carbon-based, } and t'other half the blind side of a plague of locusts! My mama was a } Cray and my pappy wrote his journals using TECO! I chomp up Usenet } newbies for breakfast and taunt Serdar Argic for dessert! I can } out-.sig, out-compile, out-flame and out-forge any man, woman, child, } or AI from 00:00 to 23:59 GMT and come out smellin' like a hothouse } rose! As fer questions, Old Nick hisself tried to stump me oncet by } asking could I make a rock so durn heavy I couldnt noways lift it, an' } arter I pondered a bit, why I jes' picked up the Rock o' Gibraltar and } busted it down atop his longhorn noggin and said, "Wa-al, I cain't say } ah think right much o' yer Scholastic quibbles, but you'll see a } three-balled tomcat knittin' doilies afore you see the light o' day } with that-air pebble for a top-hat!" } } You owe the Oracle his own entry in the next edition of the Motif-Index } of Folk-Literature. --- 609-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Mighty Oracle! I humbly seek your sage counsel on the > following issue of great import: > > If IPX and IP are protocols and Star and Ring are topologies, what are > Ethernet and Token Ring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Proctologies. } } You owe the Oracle the results from your lobotomy. --- 609-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, the epitome of omniscience, > > What would make a greater mess -- A bottle of beer or a can of pop if > both are shaken hard for a minute each and then dropped from the roof > of a 25-storey building? > > Just wondering. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Interesting problem. Let's find out. } } [The Oracle steps away from his terminal and out onto the roof of the } University's Computer Science (and top secret Oracle Labs) Building.] } } Oracle (looking down): Hmm... 25 stories, you say? } } [With a subtle gesture, the Oracle gives life to the building, which } suddenly sprouts into the air, growing to a 25-story height. A bottle } of Coke appears in his left hand, and Miller Genuine Draft Long-Neck } in his right. He shakes both vigorously.] } } Oracle: Now let's see. } } [He drops both bottles unceremoniously from the edge. } The bottles fall...24...23...22... } Suddenly, a hawk-eyed freshman walking around on campus looks up and } spots the beer. Letting out a yell, he runs for the building. At the } sound, several other freshmen see what is going on, and head for the } building as well. Soon there is a teeming throng of students under the } falling beer bottle, each trying to claw his way to the top of the } pile. The beer hits the poor sod on top, crushing his skull but somehow } remaining unbroken. Another student pulls it from his dead schoolmate's } head and starts to make off with it, but is stabbed in the side by } another student's Swiss army knife. War ensues, leaving fourteen dead, } seven wounded. Meanwhile, the Coke has hit the ground and broken } unnoticed.] } } Well, I think that clears it up. The beer left _quite_ a mess. } } You owe the Oracle a football helmet and a pair of beer goggles. --- 609-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me the answer to this question oh great oracle, > for I must be enlightened. > > If I can't do, I can teach > If I can't teach, I can teach gym > If I can't teach gym, what can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Answer oracularities. --- 609-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the definition of the term "stukkende doos" hey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that one is pretty simple, actually. "Stukkende" is slang, } "stuck-in-duh" (stuck in the). "Doos" is what dogs make in the } park. Put it together for yourself. } } From that meaning is derived the standard 17th C use as an } appelation for the keepers of public parks and gardens in England } and Wales. --- 609-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The room contained the world's mightiest computer, and was } suffused with the cool blue light of gas diode rectifiers } punctuated by the dim red glow of pentode filaments, and } suffused as well by the hum of powerful electric motors as } they spun the magnetic drums that allowed for retrieval of } hundreds of bits in only tenths of a second. } } None of this had anything to do with the world's mightiest } computer, of course, but the Oracle liked having this } antique voltmongery around. } } Bleary-eyed, the Oracle took a sip of his Coffee and seated } Himself before his Keyboard. He flexed his Fingers, set the } keyboard focus to the Answer window, and positioned his } Oracular Mouse Pointer exactly in the center of the } CommandButton. All was in readiness. } } Taking a deep breath, he opened the flow of Questions: } } > who is chelsea clinton? } } > What do you remove the outside, cook the inside, } > eat the outside and throw away the inside? } } The Oracle's eyes closed, and his head started to nod } forwards. "Huh?", he said with a start. "Just thinking!" } } He realized he was talking to Himself, and sheepishly } muttered "Answer 2". } } He typed, "The President's daughter." and said "Sendit." } } He saw, } } > who is chelsea clinton? } } "Huh?", he said. "Thought I answered that one." } } "Answer one." "A future President." "Sendit." } } He heard a beep, and read } } Message from kinzler on ttyp4 at 06:28 ... } } Aren't we being a little bit brief today? } And you forgot to charge a fee! } Get with the program, guy! } } "All right, that's it! It's too early in the morning for } that kind of crap! I'm outta here! Joanie! Cancel my mail!" } } Message from kinzler on ttyp4 at 06:28 ... } } You're not the Incarnation who invented Joanie, } so I don't think you should be using her in your } Answers. } } "Look, Steve, I didn't invent the 'Message from kinzler' } bushwah either, so just shut up! Joanie or no, I'm outta } here." } } The Oracular Telephone rang. He picked it up, and heard, } "You can't get out. Being the Oracle is a life sentence, } and you're immortal, so..." } } He slammed down the receiver with a satisfying crash. A few } diamonds fell off, and rolled off, to be lost under the Couch. } } For a long, long moment, the Oracle just sat there, his face } getting redder and redder. Then the calming hum of the drum } memories, and the cool blue light, began to take effect. } (This is why he liked having that junk around.) } } With a sigh, he turned to his Keyboard and began to type } an answer to the third question. --- 609-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and wonderful Oracle of the great Usenet whose brainpower if > tapped could supply all the cities in the world with enough > electricity for a zillion years would you be so kind as to give me a > hug. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly, } } >>BBBZZZTTTTZZ<< } } Oh, erm, sorry. } } You owe the Oracle some candles.