From oracle-request Mon Jan 10 08:52:06 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA02039; Mon, 10 Jan 1994 08:52:06 -0500 Date: Mon, 10 Jan 1994 08:52:06 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #617 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 617 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #617 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 10 Jan 1994 08:52:06 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 617 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 612 67 votes 3gsh3 6gqg3 blp64 33atm 8mle2 afpc5 35aqn 4glh9 5ind8 5lnd5 612 3.1 mean 3.0 2.9 2.6 4.0 2.7 2.8 3.9 3.2 3.0 2.9 --- 617-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > help And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle sits at his computer terminal, typing at hyper-light speeds } the answers to all of Man's questions which don't concern woodchucks, } taking some occasional 2-microsecond breaks to scarf a Rally's combo } meal, two bowls of Froot Loops, and a Dr. Pepper. } } Meanwhile, a collie bounds across the rolling hills of the countryside, } chasing around a woodchuck. She chases him around a tree, across } a shallow river, and finally into a deep hole. She growls at the } woodchuck, claws at him, toys with him. When the woodchuck begins to } show signs of nervous breakdown, the dog ends his misery and <*ZOT*>s } him. (Guess whose dog it is.) } } Suddenly, she hears, distantly, almost nonexistantly.... } } "help" } } (start whistling theme music) } } She bounds back across the river, around the tree, across the rolling } hills of the countryside, over the fence, and into the Oracle's office, } where she begind to bark wildly at her master. } } "What is it, girl?" } } "Arf!" } } "Did Timmy fall into the well?" } } "Arf!" } } "Did you bring me another dead woodchuck?" } } The collie whimpers, remembering that she ZOTted her only catch of the } day. } } "What is it? What IS it?" The Oracle gets no response. Then he } finally remembers. } } "O Generous Collie, who would never degrade herself by sniffing another } dog's butt, who faithfully guards my house against invasion and does a } very good job, who could fetch and skeet shoot a frisbee at the same } time, tell me, what is the trouble of which you speak?" } } Something finally clicks, and the Collie tilts her head. "Thanks. } I heard a cry for help while I was zotting woodchucks. It came from } the southeast." } } "Well, what are we waiting for?" The dog growls. "O Collie who once } attracted every Canine on this world to my front lawn when She went } into heat, what are we waiting for?" } } With that, they bound outside, across the rolling hills, around a tree, } across a river, down a country road, turning north to I-10, then going } west on Dunlap, until it became Olive, and into the local community } college where a pale user was staring into his computer terminal, } drooling on the keys which were protected by a plastic Keyboard Kondom. } } "What is it, O Supplicant?" } } The user turned his neck, with great effort, since his neck was almost } locked into its current position. "uh, like, uh, how do I, uh, do } this?" } } "Ask me a question, and I will answer. Be sure to grovel profusely." } } "A question? uh, ok... uh... how much wood....." } } "O Collie whose tail could wag fast enough to light up Las Vegas with } wind power, sick'em!" } } The resulting ZOT destroyed the computer lab in that computer science } lab, but the admins didn't mind, nothing productive has been going on } in there since DOOM was released. } } You owe the Oracle the cost of all that equipment. I could have just } as easily looted the place. --- 617-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is my Internet ID? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before you study the ID, you need to ponder the complexities of your } EGO and SUPEREGO. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _The_Complete_Works_of_Freud_. --- 617-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who asked you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, he did. And he wasn't paying attention to the game when he did, } so the firstbaseman and pitcher were able to pull the hidden-ball trick } and tag him out when he led off. } } You owe the Oracle "The Best of Abbot and Castello" --- 617-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me why men like dogs and women like cats? Dogs are so > feminine and cats are so masculine...Are they not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's examine this in detail, based on commonly observed behavior: } } ENVIRONMENT } DOGS urinate on their local environment. } MEN spray lawn chemicals on their local environment. } CATS shed fur on everything in their local environment. } WOMEN redecorate their local environment. } } NIGHT LIFE } DOGS chew leather objects for entertainment in the evening. } MEN watch people throw leather objects around on television. } CATS go out and get laid. } WOMEN go out and dance. } } HAIR } DOGS go to great lengths to avoid shampoo. } MEN don't care what it looks like, as long as it doesn't fall out. } CATS spend hours grooming and licking their fur. } WOMEN put afterbirth proteins in their hair to prevent "split ends." } } DEFECATION } DOGS leave wastes sitting on the front lawn. } MEN stink up the bathroom and leave the toilet seat up. } CATS bury their wastes. } WOMEN think of the bathroom as the place where the bath is. } } SPEECH } DOGS bark at everything and howl when they're happy. } MEN say everything loudly and yell at the television set a lot. } CATS meow when they want affection and yowl noisily when they're upset. } WOMEN phone their lovers at work and only raise their voices to } complain. } } I think you will agree that dogs are a lot more masculine, and } cats more feminine, than you previously imagined. } } You owe the Oracle a softer pillow; I'm busy hibernating. --- 617-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh wierdest of Oracles, who has a pocket protester: > > Why are you such a geek. 'Scuze me, I gotto go play sports. Like real > men And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...image of two pale teenagers running excitedly into a room with a } IBM 486dx2/66 with Super-VGA monitor and presumably a sizable hard } drive. The floor is laced with various printouts of documentation } files, passwords, ASCII nudes, etc. } } "Dude", says the fat one, "what are we doing here? Aren't we going to } pick up the Pentium motherboard at the drop site?" } "Not tonight, on the way home I saw a bunch of vans that looked like } they could be feds. Besides, I wanted to show you the account I got a } couple weeks ago on Internet!" } "Internet? Wow, you mean with Penix and everything?" } "It's not Penix, butt-munch! It's Anix!" } "Oh yeah. I heard that Anix is real easy to hack." } "We can't hack yet! First we have to become elite, like we did on the } boards!" } "Hey, I don't have an account yet!" } "Don't worry, when we get to be elite, I'll hack an account for you." } } The duo dial up the Internet, keeping a log of the whole thing on the } printer. They time out three times trying to find the guy's password } written down. They finally login, and the tall one gives the fat one a } guided tour of the Internet he knew so far. He went into IRC, joined } #hack and #phreak and all those, and talked in an elite language } unknown to them. Not only was S now Z, which they already knew, but E } was 3, I was |, 1, and l. They learned quickly, but still didn't quite } make the cut. They were soon kick/banned from #hack and #phreak. } } Then they read the Usenet news. They downloaded binary nudes from } alt.sex.binaries.erotica, and quickly learned what forms of pornography } were illegal in ANY country, and downloaded a sample of each of them } quick as can be. They browsed the rec.humor hierarchy to look for } dirty jokes, and discovered how to un-rot13 the ones in } rec.humor.funny. They finally stumbled upon rec.humor.oracle. } } Intrigued, they mailed to this oracle@cs.indiana.edu. } } "Let me get this straight, you ask a question and some other guy at } random answers it? COOL! And we get to be anonymous! We can do all } sorts of stuff!" } } For fun, they asked the Oracle how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if } a woodchuck could chuck wood about five times. They wondered who would } get each of their questions. They began to get creative... they sent } blank questions, questions with 20 blank lines, etc. One finally got } an idea. } } "The guy on the other end of this is probably some guy who thinks he's } all cool just because he knows who Captain Crunch was. Let's flame } him." } } So they made themselves look really big, and made fun of the Oracle's } alleged pocket protector, and told him that they were jocks and stuff. } They couldn't wait for the Oracle to respond with some whimpering cry } for help. } } Then, the following morning, the pair are obliterated by two } high-powered ZOT bolts. } } You owe the oracle an athletic support. --- 617-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where will I find my great love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'll find your great love on the silver screen. Okay } the movies aren't from any of the major studios and the } directors aren't well known, and the whole thing was shot } using a cheap palmcorder, and the movie go-ers do hide their } faces hoping not to be recognised, and most decent people } wouldn't be caught dead in that section of town. Anyway, } have you looked in the mirror lately, your not the greatest } prize either. } } Payment: Don't invite me to the wedding. --- 617-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@taligent.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did Adam and Eve have navels? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, there weren't any oranges around. } } Just that darned apple tree. --- 617-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Boom tiddy tiddy boom > Boom tiddy tiddy boom > Boom tiddy tiddy boom > Boom tiddy tiddy boom > Boom tiddy tiddy boom > Boom tiddy tiddy boom > Boom tiddy tiddy boom > Boom tiddy tiddy boom > Boom tiddy tiddy bang And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Finally, the Energizer Bunny has been assassinated. } } You owe the Oracle a pack of AA Duracells. --- 617-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I find anyone to join my Wesley Crusher > fan club?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try asking Andorians, Wesley ! --- 617-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Excellent Oracle: > > I'm not feeling well, can you recommend a good placebo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try two askmes and call me in the morning.