From oracle-request Wed Jan 12 16:25:05 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26380; Wed, 12 Jan 1994 16:25:05 -0500 Date: Wed, 12 Jan 1994 16:25:05 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #618 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 618 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #618 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 12 Jan 1994 16:25:05 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 618 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 613 50 votes 6kg62 eic51 48nb4 3gka1 0hfb7 6aadb 288ie 6jj51 3eka3 3blc3 613 2.9 mean 2.6 2.2 3.1 2.8 3.2 3.3 3.7 2.5 2.9 3.0 --- 618-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh, generous Oracle, who welcomes every opportunity to help his > admiring supplicants, > > will you allow me to market the oracular wisdom on a tv infomercial? > i promise that it will be tastefully done, unlike some programs out > there. > > i will of course donate a portion of the profits to charity in your > name (since you already wealthy beyond the dreams of supplicants). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Benighted Supplicant, } } Get in line. } } Oracle (tm) was first approached by Ron Popeil, president and CEO of } Ronco, in July 1988 about the possibility of marketing Oracular Wisdom } in conjunction with other Ronco products. The original proposal called } for throwing in two Oracular answers if you ordered your Ginsu Knives } before midnight tonight. Playing second fiddle to another product } obviously did not sit well with the priesthood, and with the Lorena } Bobbitt trial starting this week, that's a product with which we'd } rather not be confused. Negotiations continued however, with the } priesthood insisting on being the primary product, maybe with a Salad } Shooter thrown in as a premium and Ronco countering with an offer to } incorporate Oracular wisdom in the handle of the Pocket Fisherman. } This was mighty tempting, but the smell of week old carp in the glove } compartment finally put the Kibosh on the deal. } } From November 1988 through February 1989 Oracle (tm) entertained } competing proposals from Tom Vu and Tony Robbins. Let me tell you, it } was a tough winter. Vu wished to incorporated Oracular insight into } his no money down real estate millionaire program - allowing investors } to know in advance just how profitable a piece of property could be. } This was just as the S&L Scandal was breaking and though we really } liked hanging out on Tom's Yacht with the various empty head blonde } bimbos (they're for real) he keeps around the place, the idea of } working closely with the Resolution Trust Corporation and Silverado } Savings and Loan left a bad taste. We understand that Vu turned } instead to Adnan Khashogi and BCCI and made a pile of money (which } everyone is still looking for) off it. Tony Robbins was just too much. } As tall as Vu is short, with teeth a two year old horse would kill for, } he just plumb wore us out. No, we said, we really, really don't have } any desire to walk across hot coals. Please, we said, sit down, you're } making us nervous,. Tony! we said, shut the hell up! No dice there } either. } } In the Spring and Summer of 1989 that guy with the ugly sweaters on } Amazing Discoveries and Incredible Breakthroughs and Stupendous Junk } tried to sell us on the infomercial route, with the Oracle as sole and } star product. We even went so far as to film a test spot, with a } studio audience and all of the priests in really ugly sweaters that } looked even worse than the one that Lisa once tried to knit. I'll tell } you, that canned, phony enthusiasm really was contagious - right up to } the point where pinhead invited six "randomly selected" members of the } studio audience up to try out the oracle. You guessed it: five } woodchuck questions and one null query. It's been alleged (but never } proven) that the ferocious, concentrated and close range zotting from } that day started seven brush fires in Los Angeles County and extended } the drought for two more years. I think there's an amazing fire } extinguisher set to debut next month on that one. Coincidence? I think } not. } } After the smoke cleared, infomercial producers kind of gave us a wide } berth. We got the occasional approach from Time-Life books, Sears & } Roebuck Aluminum Siding and other second rank players, but they were } only tentative feelers and if we just casually observed out loud a } physical similarity between the pitchmen and a woodchuck they } hightailed it out of the temple pretty fast. } } Recently, however, we've been approached by QVC network. They put } together a nice package of designer Oracularities gilded in Black hills } gold and set off with Diamonique "gemstones". We wavered on this for } months until they came up with the clincher: They bought Paramount for } us. The priesthood continues to maintain the Oracle and make it's } wisdom available to the marketing wizards at QVC and each week, one or } more priests gets to guest star in an episode of Star Trek. Perhaps } you've seen them. "Captain, over here, I've found something, } AHHHHHHH!" Really, it's a kick. That counselor Troi, what knockers! } } So next time you're channel surfing past Gilligans Island and C-SPAN, } drop in on the QVC channel and you might get to see James (Scotty) } Doohan hawking Dilithium Crystal powered oracularities on the QVC easy } payment plan. } } You owe the Oracle a new remote control. --- 618-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [This was the same question as 618-01, just above, so I > chopped out the text to save bandwidth -- SK] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [This would have been the same response as 228-02, so this } Incarnation chopped out the text to save bandwidth] } [And next time, come up with a more imaginative question. } We can't have two in the same Oracularity that are the same.] --- 618-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great arbiter of family values: > > My teenage sister has gotten herself pregnant. What am I to do? > > Your lowly supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Make sure it doesn't get out to the public. If women realize they can } get THEMSELVES pregnant it could be a hard blow on the marital market } } You owe the oracle two teenage sisters. --- 618-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My job is getting worse every day, my manager is a complete idiot, and > worse, much worse: He's going to marry that disgusting secretary (which > is now automatically promoted to _disgusting sub-manager_). What should > I do? Run for the hills? Become a politician? Please, tell me... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ASK MR. MANNERS } } by Bill Laimbeer } } (filling in for Mr. Oracle) } } >Mr. Manners, what should I do when I'm playing basketball, and someone } >throws an elbow at me? } >-Bruised } } Dear Bruised, } You can't let this guy push you around like that. In this case, it } would be appropriate to put him in a headlock and wrestle him to the } ground. } } >Mr. Manners, when I play "horse" with my friend, he likes to shout at } >me while I'm trying to concentrate on my shot. What advice can you } >give me? -Frazzled } } Dear Frazzled, } Your friend is not playing by the rules. Try putting him in a headlock } and wrestling him to the ground. } } >Mr. Manners, } >My coach sometimes yells at us after we make mistakes. What should I } >do? -Puzzled } } Dear Puzzled, } Your coach is being rude. Put him in a headlock and wrestle him to the } ground. } } >Mr. Manners, } >My job is getting worse every day, my manager is a complete idiot, and } >worse, much worse: he's going to marry that disgusting secretary } >(which is now automatically promoted to _disgusting sub-manager_). } >What should I do?... --- 618-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I grovel here in Cambridge Mass. as the ebb tide before the moon. > Forgive my curiosity but, the Speaker of the House is celebrating > his funeral here in town today. In preparation your close personal > friends, the Gods, have sent us snow most deep, today cold most > extreme. What sign is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Right you are, O supplicant, for you have discerned that Tip O'Neill } was in fact the 154th incarnation of Buddha. The heavens were indeed } in a little bit of a to-do about some housecleaning to welcome } Mahasamatman back, so a few traces of that activity must have trickled } back to the site of his earthly transubstantiation. } } Let me tell you a story by way of illustration. One day, a young } "boll-weevil" freshman congressman telephoned Tip, interrupting his } meditation. "Esteemed Mr. Speaker," the congressman began, "I am } calling to inform you that constituent pressures force me to vote with } the Republicans on the upcoming appropriations bill. Normally I would } have sided with the Party, but you understand the situation I'm sure." } } "Excellent, my young friend," O'Neill replied. "I am happy to know } where you truly stand." A pause. "Incidentally, I am sure you will be } interested to know that you should have a great deal more free time in } the future, now that you won't be burdened with committee assignments. } To give you a jump on your fundraising for what should be a difficult } bid for re-election." } } In that moment, the young congressman was enlightened. } } You owe the Oracle a pathetic fallacy. --- 618-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The following was included in the latest Edupage posting: > > ELECTRONIC ROSARY. No more beads -- devout Catholics can now rely on > the electronic rosary, a device much like a hand-held video game that > responds to the push of a button with instructions on how to pray the > rosary, which prayers to say when, and also plays musical versions of > some of the prayers. The gadget was invented by an Italian priest and > retails for about $42. (St. Petersburg Times 11/13/93 RSV) > > And who said the Church wasn't progressive. > > Larry Richards > > What I want to know, oh most powerful oracle, is where can I get > one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suppose I should warn you about this device. In actuality, it was } not invented by an "Italian priest," as Mr. Richards claims, but a } secret cabal of apocalyptic scientists. They have constructed a } special circuit for all of the "electronic rosaries" which will flash } a subliminal message into all of its users, which will implant a deep } hypnotic suggestion to: } } 1) Buy the devices for their friends and } 2) At a given signal, they will go into a Berserker rage and } kill all humans in sight. } } According to their precise calculations, they only need to distribute } a certain critical number of these devices to ensure the total } annihilation of the human race. Hmmm. } } You can get one at your local Radio Shack. } } You owe it to the Oracle to buy one for all of your friends. --- 618-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose wisdom exceeds that of the wisest of the Ancients, > please tell me, is it better to incorporate a small business, or to > run it as a sole proprietorship? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, both God and the Devil seem to prefer running as a soul } proprietorship. Make of that what you will. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a mediator. --- 618-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do we fart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As a woman, I do not fart, belch, or sweat... If I didn't bitch, I } would explode... --- 618-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Wise Oracle, fountain of all wisdom, possessor of penetrating > insight, whose pens surely never leak in his pocket, please open > my eyes to the explanation for this strange mystery: > > Recently I had need to replenish my supply of ball point pens. > Journeying to my local purveyor of such devices, I purchased a > package of 2 medium point, blue Bic pens (which I see are now > styled "Bic Classic"). > > Upon opening the package and using my nifty new Bic Classic, I > was perplexed to see that the color-coded, removable cap for the pen > is now open at both ends; there is a small hole in the top. This is > true for both pens in the package. Every other Bic pen I have ever used > was only open at the end where you put the pen into the cap. > Why, Great Oracle, do these pen caps now have holes in both ends?? > Is the fact that the pen was apparently made in Mexico related? > (Will I be able to write better Spanish now?) I am sorely > perplexed by this conundrum, and am losing much sleep pondering > the meaning of this change in the pen world. > > PS. The pen works fine. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's part of NAFTA, the North American Free Tip Agreement. By act of } the various governments of North America, all pen tips must now be } free! Free to breathe and live life to its fullest! } } However, powerful lobbyists pointed out (using the impressive tactic } of buying expensive gifts for government officials) that having no } caps on the pens would allow the ink to soak into the shirt, causing } massive unemployment, increased drug usage, violent crimes among } youth, immoral behavior, and an appearance by Barney on Oprah. So } legislators compromised with the Protestant Condom Cap, rendering the } pen useless while giving a false feeling of security. So don't } invert the pen in your pocket, even with the cap. } } You owe the Oracle a 500-word essay on why medium-point pens are more } popular than fine points. --- 618-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and protuberant Oracle, whose mere presence adds vibrance and > tumerity to life: > > Why do the martians keep blowing up our space probes? What are they > hiding? And, what is the meaning of the mysterious face seen in > previous photos of the red planet. And, what's going to happen when > that comet hits Jupiter, And why did NASA let SpaceLab fall from the > sky and roast like the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahh.... (Oracle puts all its fingers together while spreading all its } toes apart -- no easy feat and one that separates the Oracle from lowly } question-asking dreck.) ... you seek many things. You think many } thoughts. You inhale too much Oreo cream. } } The answers to these many mysteries can be revealed at last. In } actuality, amazingly dentally-evolved creatures from outer space } invaded this planet and helped bring man up to the next level of } evolvement by means of a singular monolith left on the plains of the } awakening horizon of mankind. Unfortunately for almost everybody, this } happened about four weeks ago in Detroit, and the monolith was covered } in colorful but rude spraypainted slogans inside of a minute, and then } given a hefty grant by the National Endowment of the Arts. NASA } discovered its mistake and tried to show respect to the aliens by } giving the monolith its own TV show, but there were no results other } than that it got better ratings than Roc. So you poor earthlings are in } the path of some pretty hacked-off superior beings, with almost perfect } teeth, and if I were you I wouldn't bother planning any summer } vacations, if you know what I mean. } } You owe me one of Saturn's lesser moons, and don't try anything funny.