From oracle-request Sun Jan 16 08:20:30 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA11520; Sun, 16 Jan 1994 08:20:30 -0500 Date: Sun, 16 Jan 1994 08:20:30 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #619 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 619 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #619 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 16 Jan 1994 08:20:30 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 619 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 614 51 votes 5fja2 8kbc0 7gi73 27bgf 5dka3 2akc7 14bhi 7gcb5 36bjc 3adaf 614 3.2 mean 2.8 2.5 2.7 3.7 2.9 3.2 3.9 2.8 3.6 3.5 --- 619-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oz....oops, wrong super power... > ...great and powerful Oracle, > who knows more about Athlete's Foot > than Dr. Scholls. Please tell me, > > Exactly how young of a woman is it acceptable > for me to date, I'm almost 24. ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you love someone, set her free. } } If she comes back, she's yours. } } If she toddles away or crawls, definitely too young. --- 619-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle , > > Please tell me what question I could ask you ! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many moons ago you asked me what questions you could ask me... } } I have ponderd this awesomely complex question deeply, and considerd } many possible answers - finaly after half an hour of very intense } tantric sexual meditation ceremonies I had the answer! } } It is quite obvious that you are an inquisitive young person - with a } thirst for knowledge, and a fondness for traditional English cookery. } You could have asked me how to make a Bread and Butter pudding and I } would gladly tell you. } } Ingredients: } } Milk - Loads } Eggs - A few } Butter - A lump } White Sliced Bread - A few slice } Cinnamon and Nutmeg } Rasins - About a hand-full } The outside of a lemon rind } } First butter the sliced bread, then trim of the crusts. Break up the } crusts and place them in the bottom of the baking dish. Slice the } butterd slices in half, sprinkling rasins between the slices. } } Next prepare some liquids - Get a litre jug, add about a pint of milk, } 3 eggs, quite a lot of sugar, some nutmeg and a load of spices. Mix it } all up and then pour it over the butterd bread. The liquid should half } cover the slices of bread aranged in the dish. } } Sprinkle sugar on the top - It will be caramelized and will taste very } nice. Now leave it to stand for about half an hour. } } Now place it in an oven at a medium heat - wait untill the surface is a } golden brown. If it has worked out sucessfully It should have puffed up } slightly. Next serve with double creeam and enjoy. } } You owe me a bag of sawdust, a length of string and a pack of Pringles } crisps. --- 619-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Congratulations! You are the 500th recipient of this question, > originally submitted on December 5, 1988! Don't break the chain by > answering: pass it on to the next Incarnation! > > * * * * * * * * * * * * > > Dear Oracle, who is as potent as the Cincinnati Bengals' offense, > and wackier than Sam Wyche, > > My girlfriend and I recently had another argument. It seems we can't > agree on anything. She likes the Bangles; I like the Boss. If I go > to McDonalds, she complains that the styrofoam boxes are depleting > the ozone. I think that America's doing fine - she says we're > bankrupting ourselves. > > How can we get past this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, loyal supplicant, the Oracle IS the cahain, so don't go } griping to me about breaking it. } } The solution to your problem is simple. Watch Baywatch and } Charles in Charge on TV, listen to Weird Al Yankovic and Bjork (I hear } they are coming out with a duet album), and Eat at Taco Bell (remember, } no lettuce 'cause it gives you gas). } } You owe the Oracle a $100 gift certificate for Musicland (not } that it relates to this question, I just want one). --- 619-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do freshmen, the scum of the earth, exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because if they didn't, sophomores would be the scum of the earth. --- 619-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do you always have to have "tell me" in the subject line when > answering a question? If yer a God, or Goddes, why don't you already > know that I'm asking you a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the thirteenth century, there was a marauding band of pirates, known } as the "Dallas Cowboys." These pirates enjoyed going up to a helpless } person and asking him a question whose answer was painfully obvious, } then smashing him before he could answer and running away, laughing. } } This was a humiliating and often dangerous process; soon people began } having pre-prepared, all-encompassing sarcastic replies ready to shoot } back before they got hit. The Cowboys needed a way to slow this down, } for hitting someone after they answer the question sarcastically lacked } the sheer beauty of hitting them immediately. } } The Cowboys turned to the Oracle for assistance, and were informed that } they could delay the process long enough to hit the person by making } the person begin with "An answer to the #_____ question is required by } the Cowboys." This worked, and soon enough, the Cowboys were as } powerful as ever. } } Their reign of terror now recommencing, the Cowboys roamed the globe, } asking people questions and smashing them. More and more of the } innocent prey got on their PC's and asked the Oracle for help. The } Oracle was caught in a dillema; both the question-askers and the } question-answerers sought help. } } The Oracle's solution was the present day system; the Cowboys had to } begin their questions with "tell me..." thus giving the answerers time } to run away in fear. However, the answerers also asked a question, thus } giving the Cowboys a chance to run the other way in victory. Both sides } felt like they had won. } } Three people tried to buck the system by simply doing "ask me," so that } they would answer a question, but not ask one, but they were turned } into a pillar of salt, pepper, and A-1 steak sauce respectively. } } You owe the Oracle a 5-7 page paper on PC's in the Middle Ages and two } hard-boiled eggs. --- 619-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that vienna sausage in your hand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Just so long as it's not a Red Hot sausage! } } The Oracle incarnated as Joe Macarthy. } } 2. SAUSAGE! VIENNA! NEW LOCATION? } } The Oracle incarnated as Joe Piscopo. } } 3. Duh, keep yur meethooks offa my sausage. } } The Oracle incarnated as Joe Puluka. } } 4. Hello, I'd like to introduce you to one of } our new products, Mr. Sausage. } Hot, tasty sausage made fast and easy. } } The Oracle incarnated as Joe DiMaggio. } } 5. It's for Amy. She likes it this way. } } The Oracle incarnated as Joey Buttafucco. } } 6. It's for the people. They like it this way. } } The Oracle incarnated as Joe Stalin. } } You owe the Oracle one baby kangaroo. --- 619-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens when I die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When you die, you will undergo one of the following processes: } } 1) Your body will be emptied out, wrapped in muslin sheets and douced } in chemicals. You will be covered with gold and placed under a } very large triangular rock. } } 2) Your body will be shaved bald and used for hamster bedding. } } 3) Your body will be studied to determine the cause of your death. } You will be placed in a box and buried under six feet of soil. You } will have only a small stone above you, but many flowers. } } 4) Your body will be eaten by vultures. } } 5) Your body will be burned to a crisp, and the ashes of your flesh } will be placed in an ugly tarnished pot to live forever on } someone's mantle. } } 6) Your body will be diced and used to study how blowtorches affect } organic tissue. } } 7) Your body will be eaten by a soccer team on a mountainside. } } 8) Your body will be scraped up with a spackle knife and put into a } ziplock bag. } } 9) Your body will dissolve into the murky acid puddles common to the } first planet of Cygnus 7. } } 10) Your body will scattered, atom by atom, throughout the galaxy when } then transporter beam carrying it fails. } } 11) Your body will be vaporized. } } 12) Your body will be dug up and the brain will be placed inside the } body of a hideous, fire-fearing monster. } } So don't worry, everything will be ok. } } You owe the oracle your left big toe. You won't need it where you're } going! --- 619-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your son was not lying. The hole was fixed by his guardian taylor. > Now, how do I pick up women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } very carefully. } } you owe the oracle a forklift --- 619-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that some questions that get posed to the all knowing oricale > are real stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah... a lack of understanding of the inner workings of the Oracle. See, } when a question comes to the Oracle, most don't realize that it is } first passed through several random parsing programs before arriving at } its destination. For example, your question, } } "Why is it that some questions that get posed to the all knowing } oricale are real stupid" } } last passed through the parsing script "un-educate". Before going } through that script, it appeared as: } } "Why are some of the questions sent to the all-knowing Oracle } unintelligent?" } } As you can see, these parsing scripts can often greatly alter the } content of the question, making them appear quite stupid. } } Now, this question *could* have also previously passed through the } parsing script "de-grovel", and thus before that would have been: } } "Oh godly Oracle, who forever shall be exalted as the mightiest } of the supreme beings, please tell a lowly supplicant such as } myself why some of the many questions that the all-mighty, } all-knowing Oracle is asked to ponder, come across as } unintelligent, wasteless banters of your infinite wisdom?" } } The question also could have been a result of the "de-woodchuck" } script, and would have originally been queried as: } } "Why would some wood sent to the Head Woodchuck be tough to } chuck?" } } Additionally, the question may have been a result of the "de-Quayle" } script, and would have been: } } "A stupid question posted to the Oracle is not a stupid question, } but instead a question that is stupid." } } Or, perhaps, it had been passed through the "de-Clinton" script, and } was originally: } } "If I ask the Oracle a stupid question, is it still stupid if I } quietly muttered it under my breath?" } } It may have even gone through the "de-mime" script, and thus was } originally: } } But I think you get the idea. } } You owe the oracle a parsing script called "de-Limbaugh". --- 619-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle who could hide a squadron of armed and armored men in > each nostril, who could carry off all the cattle of Donnegal in the > crotch of his trousers, Whose single exhaled sigh brings fear to > sailors across the ocean as their sails are torn to ribbons. . . . > Well, you get the point - I got a question. > > Where's Bill Gates going on his honeymoon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Berke Breathed's ranch. } } You owe the Oracle a Bill the Gates doll.