From oracle-request Tue Jan 18 08:35:40 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA05782; Tue, 18 Jan 1994 08:35:40 -0500 Date: Tue, 18 Jan 1994 08:35:40 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #620 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 620 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #620 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 18 Jan 1994 08:35:40 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 620 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 615 70 votes beli6 8dclg akmb7 69lmc 2eqj9 4gri5 7ahjh 4itd6 plh52 hkn55 615 3.0 mean 2.9 3.3 2.8 3.4 3.3 3.1 3.4 3.0 2.1 2.4 --- 620-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo, Orrie Baaby, > > I tell this chick she's got great knockers and she slaps me!!!! > What's goin' on here? I mean, sheesh, can't no one take a complement > these days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Agreed! I once told this totally built Ethernet router she had a nice } set of BNC's and asked her if she would like to do the twisted pair. } She wouldn't exchange packets with me for over a month! --- 620-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose greatness and glory yada yada yada: > > Is it possible to get charged with assault for shooting the breeze? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but it's possible to get charged with battery if you have a D cell } in your pocket while being hit by lightning. --- 620-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle in the parrallel dimension where mu resides, I have a > question for thee: > > I asked my wife what question she would like for me to ask you and she > said that she was not interested in The Oracle in the slightest bit. > > Should I lock her in the laundry room with a woodchuck? > > Lowly Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Lowly (and Confused) Supplicant, I think it will be easier if you } lock her in the laundry room with a key. --- 620-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there life after death? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Phffffweeeett! Hooooolllllllddddd everything! STOP. WAIT JUST A } DAD-BLAMED MINUTE! } } Now look, I know this is the 90's, and we're all supposed to be } politically correct egalitarians and all that, and I know that for the } past few years the priesthood has felt that the null-grovel ZOT is } just a hideout for the grotequely unimaginative, but hey... THIS is } where all this egalitarian horse plop leads! You let a few supplicants } slide, and powee, they think they can ask you to solve wave equations } and unravel the mysteries of existence, and they don't even have to say } "Please". Not even "Dear Sir or Ma'am". } } That's IT. I've HAD IT. You know what? I don't give a Frenchman's } flatulence what the priesthood thinks. You want to know if there's } life after death? I'm going to let you find out the old-fashioned } way. } } ZOT! } } I'm not supposed to do that. So what? I'm the Oracle. I can do } whatever I like, right? } } ZZOOTT!! } } Oh golly me, I zotted a supplicant for failing to grovel! Will } they EVER forgive me? } } ZOT! } } OOOOOHHHHHHH! There it goes again! (I hate it when it does that.) } Over the shoulder: } } ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! } } Behind the back, over the head, off the ceiling, nothing but net: } } ZOT! } } Five miles over the Jersey Turnpike, off the Garden State Freeway, } bounces twice on the roof of the Spectrum in downtown Philly, falls } through the air duct on the roof, hits the backboard and drops through } the hoop, nothin' but net: } } ZOT! ZOT! } } Oh, yeah, excuse me for breathing, I'm not supposed to ZOT supplicants } anymore. Ok, then, } } SKZZZIXXXXXPHFFFTTTTTTTziz ziz pop! crackle crackle... } } Now, a nice big FAT one: } } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OOOOOOO TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOOOOO TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT } ZZZZZ OOOO OOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOOO OOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOOO OOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOOO OOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOO OOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOO OOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOOO OOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOOO OOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOOO OOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZ OOOO OOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOOOOOO TTTTT } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOO TTTTT } } Now, a little, quiet one: } } (zotlet) } } and a few more for the road: } } ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!, dammit, ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! } } AAAAHhhhhhhhh..... } } ZOT! (Caught you looking!) } } Whew. That feels better. Now, to your question: } } Is there life after death? Yes. } } That was good therapy. I feel so much better now, you don't owe the } Oracle a damn thing. Stop in any time. --- 620-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > should I make love to that spanish girl I met . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Due to the extreme crankiness of the Oracle, your question has been } routed to the Magic 8-Ball. Reply follows:] } } > Future hazy. Try again. } } [We apologize for any minor inconveniences this may have caused.] --- 620-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bang, bang. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I observed that at a distance of 173 meters both your questions } were 1.3 cm. low and .2 cm. to the right of your } intended target. A nice group (.16cm) but points are not given } for consistency. I would suggest a redirect of the questions } after an adjustment of the verbal accuracy settings. Anticipating } that you may not want to make these adjustments, the only other } option is to elevate yourself above the intended target and wait } for it to move from your left to your right. Under these } conditions your questions should reach the target as anticipated, } and have the desired affect. A grassy knoll may help with the } elevation problems, but a more factual and exact answer may be } found in a book depository (library). --- 620-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > < > < > < > < > < > < And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um, I hate to tell you this, but your fly's open. } } You owe the Oracle a deep red blush. --- 620-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What color is your hair? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My hair! } it ripples and flows as the golden waves of wheat gleaming brightly } in the autumn sun! } its highlights are as the sea-spray thrown up by waves crashing onto } cliffs of basalt! } deeper, by far, is the shadow of my brow than the inky murk of } uncharted ocean trenches! } every shake of my head produces repercussions that make the } foundations of the earth tremble! } it is bright with the relentless ultraviolet of catastrophic } supernova explosions in the void! } it smites the unwary viewer with hard gamma radiation, thermonuclear } in its splendence! } without parallel is its multidimensional topology of its strands, } unfathomable to mortal beings! } it...it... } } Wait a minute, this is _your_ job, not mine. } } You owe the Oracle a supertanker filled with Brylcreem. --- 620-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle whose bunions never ache, whose feet never smell, whose > breath is always as fresh as a spring rain. Please answer me this: > > What is the easiest way to get a boyfriend without having > to, as they say "put out?" > > signed, > lonely And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just a moment while I adjust my gender identity... *BAMPF*! } } Hrm. Trying to avoid sexual contact? Reasonable enough. So what } you're actually in the market for is not a boyfriend so much as a } sycophant-- sort of a combo fashion accessory and wailing wall. } Fortunately, you're in the right industry. As I'm sure you've } noticed, there are a LOT more men than women in your terminal room... } } The key is to SEEM like at ANY MINUTE, you may be consumed with lust } and pounce. So talk about old boyfriends. Smoke. Drink. Wear } revealing clothing, even if you have nothing to reveal. [In fact, wear } revealing clothing even if you would look better in concealing } clothing.] Discuss fellatio in a loud tone of voice. Screen out the } ones who don't bathe (don't worry about their feelings, they're } actually Monera, anyway) and take your pick of the remainder. } } There are some drawbacks, of course. It's during bouts of depression } that you really NEED a significant other, and there's nothing as } annoying as pushing a fellow's hands away from your [BLEEP] in the } midst of a full-blown angst attack. } } You owe the Oracle a little more time to think about it. --- 620-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh grand and mysterious Oracle: > > Why is a raven like a writing desk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Looking deep into the recesses of my writing desk, I find a dead raven. } I wondered what the smell was. } } 1. Ravens leave scratches and the writing desk has scratches. } } 2. My writing desk is ink black (at least where I spilled ink) and so } is a raven. } } 3. Raven can mean glossy sheen, which some writing desks have. } } 4. Raven can mean plunder, which my desk has been plundered...and I } know who did it! } } 5. Writing desks are where you inscribe stuff and ravens inscribe (I am } not going into details in case a little child is reading this). } } 6. Writing desks have Pigeonholes. Pigeons are birds. Ravens are } birds. } } 7. Who really cares! } } 8. If my great aunt Fanny sat on either, they would be as flat as a } pancake! } } 9. Ravens have been know to flock, while people have been know to flock } to the Oracle's desk to see what sage writings lay there! } } 10. One is made of wood, while the other roosts in woods. } } 11. If you drop them both at the same time from the Leaning Tower of } Pizza, in a vacuum, they would both hit the earth at the same time. } } 12. If you take a pound of ravens and a pound of a writing desk, they } would weight the same. } } 13. As they both approach the even horizon of a black hole, they will } appear to be going slower to a distant observer outside the attractive } force of the black hole. } } 14. They were both used in your stupid question! } } That will be a turkey sandwich (I got very tired of ravens!).