From oracle-request Thu Jan 20 08:18:43 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA14272; Thu, 20 Jan 1994 08:18:43 -0500 Date: Thu, 20 Jan 1994 08:18:43 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #621 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 621 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #621 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 20 Jan 1994 08:18:43 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 621 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 616 73 votes 5koi6 8ddof cuo61 7jlh9 8ihka 9hrb9 9slc3 cihl5 ilma2 7gom4 616 2.9 mean 3.0 3.3 2.4 3.0 3.1 2.9 2.6 2.8 2.4 3.0 --- 621-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O wise Oracle, who knows everything in the universe including > the naughty bits, > > What really turns the babes on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Follow the following instructions, and babes will crawl all over you!! } } THE USENET ORACLE UNLIMITED BABE SECRET: } } Supplies: } 2 cups peanut butter 4 Cups sugar } 1 Bottle of your favorite perfume 3 Toothpicks } 10 crates of whipped cream 1 bottle of that green } crap you put on your } face } } Instructions: } 1) Mix one cup of peanut butter with 3 cups of the sugar. (You may add } flour for texture). Mix until even texture, and then chill. } 2) While chilling peanut butter/sugar mixture, spread the bottle of the } green crap on your face, chest, and back. } 3) Use 5 crates of whipping cream to cover your legs, arms, hair, and } um, any over questionary body parts. } 4) Take the Peanut butter/sugar mixture out. Mix in the other 5 crates } of whipping cream and perfume. } 5) Use the toothpicks to mix the mixtures into a frothy type substance. } 6) When the babes see you, they will die for a date! } 7) When the supermodel of your choice shows up, apply the second } mixture to her body! } 8) The Usenet Oracle wishes you and your date an exciting, and yummy } evening!! } } You owe the Oracle a dictionary, and any left over (clean) dates, along } with the left over mixtures. --- 621-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Totally unflossable Oracle, who makes my toes grovel in front of my > nose in abject terror of YOU, please help me find my mittens. It's > awful cold outside, and I cannot go out until I find them. I've > looked **everywhere**. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DEaR SuPpLiCAnt, } } We HAve InTercepted YoUr ATTEMPT To CONTact the Oracle. } } IF You Want to see mittens ALIVE again, PUT $100 IN a BOX outside } YOUR garage DOOR tonight. WE will NEGOTIATE for the missing SOCK } later. } } SiNcerEly, } } XXxXxXX --- 621-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great & mighty net.oracle, > I am wandering in the wilderness, > I am confused and bewildered, > When I traverse the net I see many net.things and they each > proseltyze and preach that their way is the way to true enlightenment. > The discordia mosaic site instructs me to find Eris in my pineal gland, > alt.religon.emacs tell me to eschew eVIl by m-x-worship-ing the one > true editor, Kibo ranges across the net spreading his gospel of > explosion, > from every gopher site, ftp, cookie, news article, and unsolicited mail > prophets preach to me, how can I find the true path to enlightenment ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Follow the green line, second door on the left after you cross the } red line." } } The supplicant walks down the low, white hallway. Her eyes glances } furtively at the 'decorative' artwork on the walls...Kibo's } self-portrait, a black and white photo of Heimdall at Ragnarok, } Christ's autograph on a napkin from the Last Supper, Michael } Jackson's missing glove.... } } She pauses at the door, unsure. "Shall I open it? It might not be } what I think...but I must know!" She opens the door and enters. } } She jumps as the door slams behind her. She whirls and sees the } Oracle behind her, dressed in a white lab coat. He caresses his } stethoscope as he speaks. "Oh supplicant, you have come seeking } knowledge, and you have certainly come to the right place! Please, } stop up to the table." } } The supplicant, charmed by the Oracle's manner, does as he asks. She } provides only the merest token resistance as the Oracle straps her to } the table "for safety reasons," but begins to regret the decision } after the Oracle sets the table on end. } } Lisa enters through another door. She is clad in leather and chains, } her nipple-rings decorated with golden tassels. She smirks as she } approaches the supplicant. Lifting the supplicant's chin with her } riding crop, Lisa says, "So. Ya came seeking enlightment, din't ya? } Prepare to have your eyes opened...." } } ---- } } The author at this time cuts back to the main lobby, where the } receptionist wears only a secret smile, knowing that an Oracularity } is the last bastion of cheap literary devices such as this. } } ---- } } Her eyes opened significantly wider, the supplicant leaves the } Oracular compound, barely noticing a new painting upon the Wall of } Fame. The Oracle and Lisa sip tea on the veranda and watch as the } supplicant leaves. } } "Orrie, dear, do you think we were too harsh?" } } "Nonsense, my love," he replies as he reaches for a bagel. "Millions } of children watch Barney every day. What could it possibly do to an } adult, besides warn her?" } } ---- } } Many miles away, across the Rigitan Desert, beyond the Mountains of } Psychotonia, the new convert dons her suit, soon to appear as } Barney's new friend...Baby Bop. } } } You owe the Oracle an end to the ceaseless rantings of childrens' } television marketing. --- 621-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose mouse never gets stuck, > > Whenever I clean the little rubber sphere in my mouse, > people make stupid jokes. > > What are some snappy things I can say to shut them up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle offers you... } } "The Top Five Snappy Comebacks List to Shut Up People Who Make Comments } to You While You're Cleaning the Little Rubber Sphere in Your Mouse!" } } Wait a minute. That's too long. Let's try... } } "Five Snappy Comebacks!" } } Hmmm. Not really clear on what kind of 'Snappy Comebacks' are being } offered. How about... } } "The Top Five Snappy Comebacks While Mouse Cleaning!" } } Number five: } "It's in the Mouse Field Maintenance Instructions. Can't you } read?" } } Number four: } "Oh, and I suppose you never clean your balls?" (male-offenders } only) } } Number three: } "It's the key to keeping mouse-movements all in the wrist." } } Number two: } "Hey, it's either this or get an optical mouse! And those things } can sear your eyeballs right out!" } } And the number one snappy comeback while mouse cleaning... } } "I'm practicing for when I meet my boyfriend tonight. Why, are } you jealous?" (female usage only, unless, well... *ahem*) } } You owe the Oracle a massage. --- 621-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, in your great and infinite wisdom, with sight of all > things that were, that are, and are yet to come, (grovel, grovel...) > > There is something that puzzles me. I have searched long and hard for > the answer. I have climbed the highest mountains, searched far off > lands, sailed the seven seas, and even read a book (though admitadly it > was a X-Man comic), yet I have not come up with the answer. So in > desperation, I have come to the Oracle. > > My question is this: How do you program the VCR? Everyone says that > it is so simple, yet I have found no one (save my four year old cousin) > who could actually do it. Who came up with this whole VCR thing > anyway? > > Help me Oracle, you are my only hope. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, as incomparable as your intelligence is to mine, have already } stumbled upon the answer to this problem that has pained so many lesser } souls. } } A VCR should *never* *ever* be programmed by an adult. This is } dangerous to both the VCR, and the adult's mind. When your VCR needs } programming, go to your local Rent-A-Kid[tm], and have it programmed } for you. The manuals that accompany your VCR *were NOT* put in the box } by your VCR-supplier, but are fakes, put there by the Devil[R] to trap } unwary adults. The original manual, is just one piece of paper, in } large enough type, so that even kids can read it, saying the maximum } age for programming a VCR is 14 yrs, but that, for safety sake, people } shouldn't even touch a VCR once they've reached puberty. } } You owe the Oracle the director's cut of DUNE. --- 621-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I love you and constantly work to glorify Your name. > I'm always thinking. > > Now I have devised a special OracleGrovelSmiley for all the > net.people to use. > > It is full of symbolic meaning; it shows a Supplicant, beaming > broadly from delight at being in your Presence; the Supplicant is > horizontal from having bowed down so deeply to abase himself. The > supplicant's body is not shown, to indicate that You exist on a > higher and incorporeal plane of Being than lowly mortals do. > > Okay. You ready? Here it comes -- > > :-) > > What do you think of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pause... Oracle scratches his head. He sets his monitor on it's } edge. Now the smiley looks something like: } } /-\ } | } . . } } "Darnit... wrong way..." } } . . } | } \-/ } } "Much better." But something still wasn't quite right. Somehow the } supplicant's picture was more suitable. And then it occurred to him. } He set monitor upright again... } } :-) } } "You know what supplicant? You're right. I'm much more effective in } the horizontal position." } } You owe the Oracle a contraceptive. --- 621-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, more dear to me than Bambi, > > How come the people who are always passing the buck > never pass me any dough? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: Oracle } To: High Priest } Subject: #Qa13320 } } High Priest, } Umm, Lisa wants to _you_know_what_ right now. Could you look after this } one for me? Good lad. } T.U. Oracle } } --- } } From: High Priest } To: Priest #47 } Subject: #Qa13320 } } Priest, } I'm a bit tied up at the moment. Perhaps you would like to answer this } question. } High Priest } } --- } } From: Priest #47 } To: Apprentice Priest #98 } Subject: #Qa13320 } } Hey, } The big guy is a bit busy right now. Perhaps you could answer this } question for him, OK? } Priest #47 } } --- } } From: Apprentice Priest #98 } To: Admin Clerk #143 } Subject: #Qa13320 } } Hiya. } Remember you were telling me how you always wanted to answer one of } these questions? Well, I got one for you. See what you can do. } Apprentice Priest #98 } } --- } } From: Admin Clerk @143 } To: Records Archivist } Subject: #Qa13320 } } Please check attached question w.r.t. previous attempts. Report ASAP. } } --- } } From: Records Archivist } To: Assistant Records Archivist } Subject: #Qa13320 } } I've got a bit of a backlog of search requests. Can you look after this } one for me please? } } --- } } From: Assistant Records Archivist } To: Janitor } Subject: #Qa13320 } } When you clear out the trash tonight, just take a quick look to see if } there's anything in there which could be used as the basis for an } answer to this question. } } --- } } From: Janitor } To: Chaimbermaid } Subject: #Qa13320 } } Have a look around in Mr. Big's room when you get a chance. He's got a } big book of clever answers and I need one real soon. See you behind the } garden shed after work. } } --- } } From: Chaimbermaid } To: Head Cook } Subject: #Qa13320 } } They're both in their room at the moment doing _you_know_what_ and I } need that big book off his desk. Can you get somebody to bring it down } when you send up their supper? Thanks. } } --- } } From: Head Cook } To: Head Baker } Subject: #Qa13320 } } They're at it again. That means we'll need to order more whipped } cream, treacle and all the other stuff they use. Just mix it all up } together, don't bother to send up so many bottles. } } --- } } From: Oracle } To: Supplicant } Subject: #Qa13320 } } Er, the kitched just sent me this large bowl of dough. Is that what you } wanted? } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of whipped cream and treacle. (Ready my } dear?) --- 621-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > For the love of God, Montresor! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, I said askme, not "cask" me! --- 621-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who is so perfect that he always surpasses himself, your > humble supplicant lies flat on his face in the mud and asks, "Hey, this > isn't mud! It's rapid-set cement! How am I going to get up?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait for the road runner to go "Meep, Meep". This will launch you into } the air, landing in the path of a large train. The cement will grease } your feet, allowing you to slide smoothly along the tracks. By pushing } frantically, you will be able to barely stay ahead of the train until } you manage to escape by heading down a siding. You will turn to look } at the departing train, breathing a sigh of relief, and not notice } that the tracks end at the edge of a cliff. You will travel along, in } mid-air, for several moments until you notice. You will then fall, } head followed by body followed by tail, right back into the rapid-set } cement again. } Sorry about that. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of ACME jet-powered roller skates and } Chuck Jones' autograph. --- 621-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does a clock have hands, but no fingers or arms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On the face of it, that's a good question. } } Clocks appear to have no fingers because they are bundled up against } the wind, (people insist on winding them, you know), } and have no arms because they do not partake of } the alarums and excursions of war. } } Shins they lack for religious reasons, so clocks } widdershins are counterclockwise, } and their feet have been loaned out to poets } who thusly measure time. } } Grandfather clocks have pendulous balls, } but the strangest thing of all, } is that if a clock has a second hand, } it is its third hand, } but its most minute hand is not its minute hand. } } You owe the Oracle Big Ben.