From oracle-request Sun Jan 23 18:19:55 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00448; Sun, 23 Jan 1994 18:19:55 -0500 Date: Sun, 23 Jan 1994 18:19:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #622 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 622 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #622 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 23 Jan 1994 18:19:55 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 622 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 617 73 votes 98hqd 6moe7 aftc7 28moh 9midb hmr43 bhpe6 59qje inec6 gimb6 617 2.9 mean 3.4 2.9 2.9 3.6 2.9 2.4 2.8 3.4 2.5 2.6 --- 622-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I, your Supplicant, beg to be deemed worthy of reply from your > most powerful divination, and be enlightened in spirit and > knowledge! > > Oh, great one, who is the guy on the Infinity commercial? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh most lowly servant, you are obviously teetering on the brink of } Insanity, to ask such a question. Knowing who the guy is in the } Infinity commericial will do no good to your life. This is what will } happen should you acquire this information: } } 1) You will sell all your possesions and use all your money to buy an } airline ticket. } 2) This airline ticket will take you to where the Infinity guy } currently is. } 3) Upon arriving at the town, you will spend three days } wandering aimlessly around the town, wearing nothing but a dirty towel } wrapped around your waist, until you find the Infinity guy. } 4) Upon meeting the Infinity guy, you will promptly kill him with a } pork sausage because of your raging jealousy of him (you don't think } someone as ugly as him should be allowed to stand next to such a } beautiful car). } 5) Because your heinous act was witnessed by thirty } cops, you will be thrown in jail, where you will spend the rest of your } days in a cell with a man named Bubba. } } You owe the Oracle a cake with a nail file baked into it. --- 622-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle: > > No matter how much you wiggle and Dance... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...you will never get all the sand out of your pockets. It sounds } terrible, but it is true. Listen carefully to this recording. We } replaced the coffee in a fine New York restaurant with Solgers instant } and went around with tape recorders in our trousers to gauge the } reactions. } } (garble garble) } Our Man: and how did you like the coffee this evening, madame? } Madame: Oh, just f... hey, *you're* not our waiter! Waiter! call the } police! I- } } (garble garble) } Our Man: and how did you enjoy the coffee this evening, sir? } Sir:... what the hell is that in your trousers? } } (garble garble) } Our Man: and how did you find the coffee this evening, madame? } Madame: The... waiter set it down in front of me? } } (garble garble) } Our Man: and how did you enjoy the coffee this evening, Luigi? } Luigi: oh, it sure was swell! mm-mmm!! good the the la-a-a-a-ast drop, } I tell ya! Hoo boy! I could sit here and drink it all night if I } wouldn't pee all night because of it! I mean, wow! This- } Our Man:-thank you, Luigi. } Luigi: No, I mean it!... say, did I say something wrong? Does this mean } I dont get my fifty dollar- } (large crunching noise) } } So you see, naive and guileless supplicant, nobody really cares about } good coffee in new york. So you have to wonder, is this an effective } advertising scam? Or has Solgers been sabotaged? Sabotaged by somebody } out to make a buck... somebody kinda like you, perhaps? } } Sand. Hell, I dunno. Theres alot of it. It doesnt really matter if } you wiggle and dance. Life is short. Pockets are small. Turn off the } computer and go stand in the rain for a change. It might help. } } You owe the oracle a Train of thought... hers is boarding at the } station. --- 622-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there sex after death? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends on which mortuary they take you to. --- 622-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the > seemingly unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating > fires in Australia, the flood in the Midwest of the United States of > America, the devastating fires near Los Angeles, California, the > rapid and appalling increase in violence in cities, towns, villages > all over the world, the famines, the diseases, the rapid decline of > the family unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993) > are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. The human > race has trampled on God's Constitution, as given in Exodus 20:1-17 > (King James Version Bible), and Jesus is coming to set things right. > These rapidly accelerating signs are an indication that Jesus is > coming soon (Matthew 24). > > God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the > earth and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of > Satan's power. All those who are not guarded by God are in danger of > forever losing eternal life. > > [ The remainder of this "question" has been editted out for brevity. > Please refer to any Usenet newsgroup of late for this posting > in its apocalyptic entirety. -sk ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. Thanks. Now that I know the world is coming to an end, I } suppose I can cancel my vaction plans for next year. And, heck, I } guess I'll just spend the rest of my life relaxing. No more oracle. } The famous cs.indiana.edu oracle is no more. } } Thanks for your enlightenment. } . } Cc: } write_log:delivered supplicant@somewhere.outthere.edu using local for } supplicant } } Oracle% shutdown -now } There are stopped jobs. } } Oracle% jobs } } [1] + Stopped (tty input) spell letter.to.universe } [2] + Running (tty input) whois Satan } } Oracle% kill %1 } Oracle% kill %2 } [1] universe: Terminated } [2] Satan: Terminated } Oracle% mail mom } Subject: Bye, mom. I'm outa here. } Well, I've heard that the world is coming to an end, and so I've } decided to give up the oracle position here in Indiana. I'm moving to } Mexico to become a hat-dancer. That's what I always wanted, mom. I've } never been able to tell you this, but now, it doesn't matter, huh? If } you see Jesus, say hi I'm sorry about the coffee cake incident. Thank } him for all of his nature and grace, especially the woodchucks. } } Bye, love you, } Lester Browning } . } Cc: } write_log:delivered kbrowning@sunnypines.fl.us using local for mom } } Oracle% rm -r * } Oracle% shutdown -now } ORACLE-Log_append: 18jan1994: shutdown } Oracle: Terminated } } [bloop] --- 622-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle most wise and wonderful, I need your help fast! > > Where did they put the bathrooms in this building? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh No.... } } Okay, listen carfully...... } } First you find a FAST horse. (Yes, it's going to be a bit of } a trip, and you want to make sure you get there quick enough.) } } Get on that horse, bareback, of course. Ride it out of your } room, turn right, and go into a full gallop to the end of the } hall. Turn left at the end of the hall and ride to the end of } that hall. Okay, turn left again, and kicker into overdrive, I } know your bladder is about to bust, but for Lisa's sake DON'T BUT } ON THE HORSE!!!! And try not to notice the water fountains, } which could make you think of waterfalls, showers, and the worst, } a leaky faucet.... DRIP, DRIP, DRIP.... } } TIE A KNOT IN IT IF YOU HAVE TO. I see you riding with your legs } crossed. } } Oh no, through all this babbling, you missed it. Turn around and } go back.... Get that horse a moving again. Turn right at the } end of the hall. Turn right again at the end of the next hall. } Okay, you see that familiar office there on the left. Yeah, } that one. Dismount there, the bathroom is on the right. } } What do you mean it was just across the hall from your office } the whole time? You have no idea what you are taking about, } I *AM* the Oracle! (Aren't I?) } } You owe the oracle a set of brass fixtures.... } } (There, now don't you feel so much better?) --- 622-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O is for Oracle, you big brain with hips. > R is for Random Access Memory Chips. > A is for All of the Questions you answer. > C is for Comet, Cupid, Dasher and Prancer. > L is for Long-Range ESP Clarivoyance. > E is Eternal, which describes your annoyance. > > Put 'em all together and whattaya got? > Oracle! Oracle! Oracle.... (you know what). > > Anyways, my question is this: > OK, I'm using an Xterminal on a DECstation 5000/25, and my darn window > keeps blinking out! It'll just dissapear on me in the middle of a > letter or something. It's really getting annoying. Do you know how to > fix it, or how to reach a DEC technical assistant who charge me $200 an > hour? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DECstations are best repaired by means of a small animal sacrifice, } coupled with the burning of the incense of your choice (just make } certain it's expensive) and prayer to the Great God Zarquon. Actually, } the Great God Zarquon isn't specifically a retainer of DECSystems, but } he is a great pal of the Oracle's and doesn't have much to do these } days, and will probably be glad at least to entertain your request for } his intercession. Hiring a DEC technical assistant wouldn't do you much } good, I'm afraid; he would only do all the things I have described } above, and charge you the $200 anyway. The key seems to be in the } combination of the choice of incense and the choice of small animal; } try sandalwood with a lamb, and if your DEC remains recalcitrant, } progress to jasmine with a calf or colt. } } You owe the Oracle a Grateful Dead CD. --- 622-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most worthy oracle, > Whose toenail clippings I dare not collect, > > Every time I go to the market, I hear somebody shouting: > "Fresh Fish, Fresh Fish !" > > Who is Fresh Fish anyway ? Is he related to Fred Fish? > > Yours Humbly... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your theory, while plausible, is in fact incorrect. The true story is } more complicated: } } Way, way back, many centuries ago, when sagas were still being written, } and dinosaurs roamed the earth, and you could still ride the subway for } a nickel, a giant arose out of the sea, and began to wreak havoc } throughout the land. This Giant was over one hundred fathoms tall, with } arms and legs of brass, a body of steel, and a head of solid adamant; } consequently, he could wreak a great deal of havoc. } } It seemed that all was lost. But then, as the Giant turned towards the } City, intending to devour it whole, a column of sparkly light appeared } in the City Square, and as the light faded, a figure was seen to be } standing there. It was a man, in dark trousers and a golden shirt, and } he spake a few words of paradox to the Giant, who promptly collapsed } in a heap of contradiction. The man then vanished as he had appeared, } in a column of sparkly light. } } Ever since, that unknown hero has been worshipped throughout the land. } Different sects, however, disagree as to what his name was. Some call } him Kirk, and set up places of worship (Khurkhes) in his honor. Some } call him James, and every four years celebrate his bravery by holding } enormous Jimnastic competitions in honor of this great hero (the Olympic } James). } } One group however, claims to have special knowledge of the true Heroic } Name. They are the followers of Monger the Magnificent, who claims } to have followed the Giant-Killer to his celestial ship. There he saw } the Hero of the Square in all his glory, commanding four hundred men } and women -- and other strange wights, including a strange, sallow } being with pointed ears and eyebrows. Still more amazing were the } magical inanimate objects under his command, including machines that } could solve mathematical problems and play chess, chambers that moved } of their own volition around the ship, and doors that opened of their } own accord. } } It was these last that told Monger the true name of the Hero. For } every time the Hero would approach a door, the door would open to } let him by, and then close again once he was through. And every } time they did this, they softly whispered his name: "Frsh-fsh." } To this day, the followers of Monger (who are few in number, but hange } around in marketplaces a lot) still invoke the great Heroic Name } at every possible opportunity. } } You owe the Oracle 1,771,561 tribbles. --- 622-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > If you and I could switch places for a day, what would Lisa be > like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is a very big IF. I seriously doubt that a supplicant such as } yourself could answer questions. } } Well, throughout the morning, she would constantly tease you, by } wearing a low-cut blouse and leaning forward a lot, casually } unbuttoning your shirt, and dropping the word "woodchuck" into the } conversation. } } She would meet you for lunch at Bubba Pascali's Italian Ristaurante and } Oyster Bar, and drive you mad with animal lust by fidgeting obscenely } with a clam shell and a breadstick. } } Throughout the afternoon, she would work side-by-side with you, } especially on questions that have obscure feminine references. (There } are a few things that not even an Oracle can comprehend.) } } Finally, in the evening, she would meet you at your place with a ball } of twine, a box of assorded feathers, and a plastic swiss steak maker, } and ... well, use your imagination. } } And that is how your day, with Lisa, would go. } } By the way, the Oracle is not in right now; he's a little ... tied up } at the moment. This is Lisa. May I help you? } } You owe me your phone number and email address. --- 622-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > will everything go smoothly with getting my car back tomorow And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is the opinion of The Oracle that if the supplicant continues to eat } all his vegetables, remembers to place his dirty socks in the laundry } hamper and not scatter them over the living room floor, completes all } his homework as soon as he comes home from school, and takes the dog } for a walk at least once a day, then the supplicant's mother will not } only return the supplicant's car keys tomorrow, but also the } controllers to his Sega Genesis. } } You owe the Oracle all your X-Men comics. --- 622-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, tell me; > > What is the difference between men and women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "wo". } } You owe the Oracle a good grade in first-year linguistics.