From oracle-request Wed Jan 26 16:44:18 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA02448; Wed, 26 Jan 1994 16:44:18 -0500 Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 16:44:18 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #623 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 623 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #623 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 16:44:18 -0500 @@@ Check out the new 3rd edition of Brendan Kehoe's "Zen and the Art @@@ of the Internet" book for a feature on the Usenet Oracle. It's on @@@ pages 18-19 under the title "Some Fun with Email: The Oracle". @@@ Thanks to priest Joshua R Poulson for the promotion. To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 623 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 618 60 votes 6cffc fbi97 67kcf 5fle5 6jla4 6ml83 6jjc4 fbgc6 5gpe0 6dhj5 618 2.9 mean 3.2 2.7 3.4 3.0 2.8 2.7 2.8 2.7 2.8 3.1 --- 623-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I just recently met this fantastic woman at a dance. We went to my > place and had one great night. I never got her name, and I thought > I'd never meet here again. But then, this last friday I met her again. > To me it seemed like she wasn't recognizing me, which made me a bit > cofused. Anyway, we danced all night, and ended up in her apartment, > making love for a second time. It was even better the second time. > > Since I was free I stayed there all morning for breakfast, and every- > thing seemed to go fine - until about noon when her sister came by. > I overheard them speaking in the kitchen - the sister was pregnant > with a man she had met a couple of weeks ago, but hadn't talked to > since. Well - the real surprice came when I got into the kitchen for > an introduction - they were twins! > > I guess you figured the rest of the story. We are all three now > awaiting if the second sister is also pregnant... > > The question: What do I do? If both of them turn out pregnant, who do > I stick to (they are both anti-abortion-activists)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean to tell me that you actually are considering sticking } with one of them? You've got more moral fiber than most young men your } age, but in this case, it might be misplaced. Normally, my sympathy } would be with the ladies (there were a couple of early women's libbers } amoung the priestesses when I was still back in Greece; this is one } reason why I rarely run around on Lisa). In this case, however.... } At the very least, you shouldn't remain with number two. Any } Sweet Young Thang (TM) that not only sleeps with a strange guy she's } never met before on the first date in this day is pretty stupid; not } using some sort of protection against AIDS and pregnancy compounds } the stupidity. (Of course, that applies to both of them....) But to } not take precautions against pregnancy, given that her twin just got } knocked up doing the same sort of dumb stunt? GET REAL! } If you really feel compelled to stay with one (and only one, } but let's not get distracted), the first one at least has ignorance } as an excuse. However, since twins are generally about the same level } of smarts, if you keep either, you're probably going to be stuck with } someone completely lacking good sense. } } You owe the Oracle a way from keeping Lisa from finding out } about this response. --- 623-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is is the "Peter Principle" a universal truth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because that's what life is all about, you know. } } All of society is founded on the principle of keeping peters under } control. } } Woody Allen, Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Magic Johnson, } John Wayne Bobbit, Joey Buttafuoco, George Herbert Walker Bush, Bill } Clinton, all of these and more, have learnt to their sorrow how much } trouble an uncontrolled peter can cause. } } And then just when you finally get into the situation where } your peter is permitted to do its thing, it does, } and peters out. } } By the way, there's no truth to the rumor about putting salt on it. } } You owe the Oracle a leash. --- 623-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > about erotic! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why are you sending me the last two words from your most recent letter } the "Penthouse Forum"? Why not just send the whole thing? Here it is: } } Dear Penthouse Forum: } } I always read Forum and I never thought anything like this would ever } happen to me. But it finally did the other night. I'm a freshman at } Indiana State University studying computer science. Now most women } around here don't really find me very attractive, I'm 5'4", very } skinny with bad acne and I rarely shower. Well the other night after } eating Chinese and playing Nintendo I settled down to my latest } programming project, when I decided to log into the local BBS. After } several hours of hunting down any messages which seemed remotely } involved with women, I was summoned into a "live chat" with "Debbie". } I entered the conference and there we were, both of us confronting } eachother with so much sexual energy I was about to explode. We } exchanged information about our respective hobbies and interests and I } was going wild with ecstasy! But I held back waiting for the right } moment. Then, "Sheila" came into the conference and there I was with } two babes! I never imagined myself in this position. I found out } "Sheila" was still living at home with her parents and was going to } highschool and was looking for a boyfriend. I exploded. Then "Debbie" } and "Sheila" both started asking me about which Nintendo cartridges I } have, and I exploded again. Then power went out just before my last } orgasm and I slept well, knowing that you would publish this } incredible story in your pages. Talk about erotic! } } Live Long and Prosper, } Norman Nyberg --- 623-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "The quality of mercy is not strained..." > > Does that mean it's lumpy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, it means that it *could* be lumpy. No guarantees one } way or the other. --- 623-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I bang a girl who wants easy "good" sex and be > completly faithfull to a woman I care for even tho > she says to go out and have fun. I am torn between doing both And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: High Priest } From: The Big Guy } He wants to shoot her? You handle this one. You're the murder } and ethics expert. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: Priest Apprentice #1 } From: High Priest } This one's yours. Research your books on killing and come up } with something original. I'll be in my chambers. Yeah, the perfumy } one with the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: Priest Apprentice #2 } From: Priest Apprentice #1 } The High Preist sez this one's for you, a direct request from the } Oracle. Seems someone wants to shoot his girlfriend to please his } wife. Or something. You figure it out. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: Secretary, P.A. #2 } From: P.A. #2 } Grace, there appears to be potential for a TV movie here. Please } call Amy Fisher's agent, see if we can get her to play the role. Of } course I'll need a producer. I'll direct, though. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: Sam A. Gent } From: Grace } Sam, we need Amy for another TV movie. It's got sex, drugs, and } murder. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: Grace } From: Sam } She's on her way. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: Secretary, P.A. #2 } From: Front Security } There's a broad claiming to be "Amy Fisher" here to see you about } some sort of movie role? } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: Front Security } From: Secretary, P.A. #2 } It's okay, send her up. She's kosher. Well, we want her, } anyways. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: P.A. #2 } From: Grace } Miss Fisher is here to see you, along with Danny Devito, who } wants to produce, now that all his directing jobs have flopped. He also } wants to play Buttafuoco. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: Grace } From: P.A. #2 } There's no part for either of them now. I talked to my } 11-year-old brother about the new movie idea, and he said that "bang" } means to fornicate, not shoot. Thanks anyways. Send them home. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: High Priest } From: Priest Apprentice #2 } Looks like "bang" means to fornicate, not shoot, my lord. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: The Great and Merciful Oracle } From: Your lowly High Priest } "Bang" has different connotations than we thought, oh Great, } powerful Oracle. He doesn't want to shoot the girl, but "have fun". } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } To: High Priest } From: The Big Guy } Huh? --- 623-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear spiffy, splendid, superb, superior Oracle: > > It's Top 10 time again! > From your experience, what are the ten best ways to cure insomnia? > > From a supplicant who's watched one too many Letterman shows. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's Top 10 Cures for Insomnia } } 0. *Try* to stay awake. } 1. Sex! If you don't fall asleep afterwards, at least you had } fun trying. } 2. Read Hillary's health care plan. } 3. Sex! (It's obligatory to repeat an entry in these lists.) } 4. Count your breaths. } 5. Do some askme's. } 6. Sex! See notes above. } 7. Get into your jammies, lie down in bed, and close your eyes. } } That's ten. You owe the Oracle an octalpus. --- 623-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most honorable oracle, > > I have just waxed up my surfboard, and would like some guidance in > pointing my board in the direction of some fulfilling net-surfing. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle could guide you in becoming an expert net-surfer by } recomending some wonderful spots to surf, but this would be good you in } the future. To get the most fulfillment from net-surfing, one must } practice. Alot. This brings me to my list of tips for becoming a } successful net-surfer: } } 1. Eliminate any social life you may have. You need to free up as much } time as possible for 'practice'. } } 2. Avoid the sun. You need to stay a nice pale color. This keeps you } from being mistaken for a real surfer. } } 3. If you excercise, stop. see tip 2. } } 4. You must change your diet to include large quantities of caffiene } (for late night surfing) and sugar (twinkies work well). } } 5. Paint your windows black. This keeps unneccessary light out of your } room. } } 6. Memorize the list of smileys. This helps because you will have a } smiley for every occasion. } } These tips should get you started. For more information refer to the } Oracle Handbook (pg. 357-1595). } } You owe the Oracle some Mr. Zog's Sex Wax. --- 623-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are amway products? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (amwa)*(y), (amw)*(ay), (am)*(way), (a)*(mway), (amw)*(a)*(y), } (am)*(wa)*(y), (a)*(mwa)*(y), (am)*(w)*(ay), (a)*(mw)*(ay), } (a)*(m)*(way), (am)*(w)*(a)*(y), (a)*(mw)*(a)*(y), (a)*(m)*(wa)*(y), } (a)*(m)*(w)*(ay), and (a)*(m)*(w)*(a)*(y). } } You owe the Usenet Oracle an algebraic number theory text. --- 623-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who's the best at Orifying -- > > What's the right word for what we're doing here? > Oraculating? Oraculizing? Oraclification? Oracling? > > Anyhow, it's better than sex, at least in the sense > that one can do it more often. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle thinks all of your suggestions for descriptions of the } process of consulting the Oracle are perfectly valid. The Oracle is, } however, keenest on "Oraculating" .... stimulate the Oracle and you } will, indeed, get a response. } } If you are truly blessed, you might get more than one. } } If you're lucky, you will get one almost immediately. } } And if it's a particularly good one, you might even get it in public. } } The Oracle cannot comment on sex, since It has none. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Joy of Sex" (for research purposes } only) --- 623-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Worshipful Oracle (grovel, grovel), > please tell me: in washing powder adverts, you know, the ones > where they offer some dappy housewife "2 boxes of mystery brand washing > powder for one of Gloop, your usual brand" and she goes off and tries > it and says "wow it even got my little Timmy's vomit stains off at 40 > degrees, what can this amazingly wonderful stuff be?" and they unwrap > it and say "it's NEW IMPROVED Gloop and it's even better than the old > one, so buy it", > Just who do they think they are fooling??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All those ads are fooling Mr. M.J. Duffy of 191 Sandon Road, Stafford, } UK