From oracle-request Thu Feb 3 18:56:51 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA19662; Thu, 3 Feb 1994 18:56:51 -0500 Date: Thu, 3 Feb 1994 18:56:51 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #625 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 625 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #625 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 3 Feb 1994 18:56:51 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 625 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 620 73 votes 7npc6 cglh7 8dnhc 66kho dkig6 5iml7 2amrc 8iok3 7jpf7 alna9 620 3.1 mean 2.8 2.9 3.2 3.6 2.8 3.1 3.5 2.9 2.9 2.8 --- 625-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > What does it feel like to be Zotted? > > (Listen you bloody stupid thing, I don't want you to zot me, I want > you to tell me if that isn't above your stupid depraved excuse for > a mind!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Though the oracle regrets your disrespectful and brusque tone, it } answers nevertheless. To be zotted in more pleasant than being zitted, } as many teenagers can attest. It is similar to being potted, but not } to being rotted. IT involves being knotted, (like a clotted carotid). } You see, a zot is hot. But I fear a zot is not quite whot you thot. } It is not a pleasant experience to be sot, so lie down on your cot, } watch the football game, and bother me not. } Thanks a lot --- 625-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The outlook wasn't brilliant for r.h.o that week; } For all the priest's submissions had been uniformly weak; } And so, when Dr. Noe struck out and Otis Viles fell flat, } A cry of "Not again!" escaped from supplicant Goldblatt. } } A straggling few logged off in deep despair. But all the rest } Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast; } They thought, if only Oracle could answer one or two, } They'd probably laugh so loud and long their faces would turn blue! } } But all this hopeful thinking was going to be quite moot } For the Mage was in the dark, and Harold was a Foot; } So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat, } For there seemed but little chance of Oracle's getting past all that. } } But Darkmage hit a funny-bone and expectations grew, } And Harold found a short exchange that bust a gut or two; } And when the dust had lifted, and they saw what all they had, } There were nine oracularities, and not one of them was bad. } } Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell, } It bounded from the mountain-top, and rattled in the dell; } It struck upon the hillside, and shook the very sky; } For Oracle, mighty Oracle, was advancing for his try. } } There was ease in Oracle's manner as he stepped up to the screen, } His teeth had a bright sparkle, his hair had a nice sheen; } And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat, } No stranger on the net could doubt 'twas Oracle at the bat. } } Ten thousand eyes were on him as he cracked his mighty knuckles, } Five thousand bellies knotted tight in half-expectant chuckles; } Then while the mailer-daemon started with a little blip, } Defiance gleamed in Oracle's eye, a sneer curled Oracle's lip. } } And now the supplicant's question came speeding down the coax, } The Oracle read, and frowned, and thought "This must be a hoax!" } For there upon the screen the supplicant's lame question stood: } "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck } wood?" } } From across the net, across the world, there came a muffled roar, } Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore; } "Flame him! Flame the supplicant!" a disgruntled reader said. } And they likely would have flamed him had Oracle not zotted him dead. } } With a smile of supreme wisdom great Oracle scanned the crowd; } He looked upon the ash-charred corpse, and then he laughed aloud. } He commanded Kinzler's mailer to give him another try; } The question came back quickly, and it was but one word: "Why?" } } "Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered, "Fraud!" } But a scornful look from Oracle, and the audience was awed; } They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain, } And they knew that Oracle didn't want a lame question again. } } The sneer is gone from Oracle's lips, his teeth they gnash like mad, } He pounds with cruel violence his mouse upon its pad; } He sends his subject "tellme", it goes speeding like a bull. } A question comes right speeding back--the question, it is null! } } Oh! somewhere on this Internet the sun is shining bright, } The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light; } And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout, } But there is no joy in r.h.o--mighty Oracle has freaked out. } } You owe the Oracle a more creative question and Kirby Puckett's rookie } year baseball card. --- 625-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, big Dude, we all know that you aren't human, but what are you? > Can you tell us what you look like? Do you have a tail or antlers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grumble, grumble -- Babs, get me the Pole on the phone . . . } } Right away, sir . . . [phone connection noises] . . . Okay, line 2 } } Thanks. [picks up] Hi, it's me -- } } Morozhenoj w potrzebie? Wlosz y -- } } Um . . . sorry, your Holiness. [Hang-up] Babs, get me the *North* Pole, } . . . okay . . . Ah, there we go. } Kriss? } } Look, I said you'll get your check Monday -- I'm dealing with a } major elf crisis here . . . } } Uh, Kriss, it's me, Oracle. You know, Mt. Olympus, third house on the } right, big red chimney, constant glow of omniscience . . . Right, well } the postman screwed up again. } } You got a Dear Santa letter? Hell, I've got enough problems dealing } with the letters I *got*, what with the creditors breathing down } my neck, and half the elves running off to work for those bastards } at Keebler, and -- } } No, you don't understand -- } } Look, just give the kid a lump of coal -- coal's cheap, and a hell } of a lot more useful than some Nintendo gadget -- } } No, no. I didn't get a letter addressed to you, I got one for one of } your *reindeer* . . . } } Hmm . . . well, most of them are in Lapland right now, for the } '94 Reindeer Games . . . } } This one's for Rudolf. See, it was addressed to "Big Rudy", but the } guy's handwriting is bad, and the idiots at the post office read it as } "Big Dude." Here, lemme show it to you. [Holds letter up to phone.] } } You call that an R? } } Hey, *I* didn't write it. } } *Sigh*. Okay, I'll pass it along . . . the guy should get a response } } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } Memo: } City of New York, } Office of Mayor. } } Thank you for your question of _January 31_. In fact, I do have antlers } and a tail, but I feel it is more important to emphasize that I also } have a very shiny nose -- and, if you ever saw it, you would even say } it glows. In these trying times of economic crisis and ethnic tension, } I think the people of this great city should focus more on my nasal } luminescence, and less on my categorization as a Reindeer-American. } Thank you again for your concern, and my son Andrew says to say "Hi." } } Rudolf Giuliani, } Mayor of the City of New York } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } } along with your reply to his message -- maybe even mixed in with } it, somewhere near the end. } } Thanks. [Click.] } } You owe the Oracle a package of New York Minute Rice. --- 625-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are opera singers usually fat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They would rather sing in rounded tones than be flat. --- 625-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who is on a first name basis with everyone > on Mt. Olympus. . . > > Does Tonya Harding =really= still think she will be skating > at Lillehammer? > > Why doesn't she just just go ahead and sell the print rights > to National Enquirer and the made-for-TV movie rights to Fox? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To do the latter she has to *act* as if she believes the former. } Even if a jury of her peers finds her innocent, I think she's lost } most of what she was after. The only celebrity endorsement she } has any hope for is Louisville Slugger. } } You owe The Oracle a pair of rink-side seats for the NHL, which is } at least honest about violence. --- 625-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle whose mighty brow scarce furrows while > contemplating the impossible questions mere acolytes pose: > > What the hell is a woodchuck anyway? > In Scotland, there is a sport called "Tossing the Caber" which > involves tossing (chucking) a Caber (large cylinder of wood) as > far as possible. The trick is getting it to flip over when > thrown. Some trick when it's the size of a telegraph pole. > Remember, this is done by hairy men wearing skirts. So, is a > woodchuck a large hairy transvestite who gets his kicks heaving > large phallic symbols around in a suggestive manner? > Enquiring minds have nothing better to think about. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Woodchucks cannot chuck wood, otherwise the "if" statement would } be unnecessary in the Evil Question(rm). This is not to say that all } those who are not Scottish are woodchucks, though. } } Note that the first spears, used by cavemen throughout the planet } thousands of years ago, were made of wood. In fact, everything that } could be chucked, clubbed, or rolled, was made of wood until people } learned how to cast metal. } } Also, beavers chuck wood quite often; how else could they build dams? } } My point? I have none. I just wanted to prove that Scottish men are } not woodchucks. } } You owe the oracle the answer to the question: } "How much steel could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck } steel?" --- 625-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > i WOuld appreciate yOur aDviCe in regard to a serious issue affecting > tHoUsands of Citizens in the world today. that's right--subliminal > advertising. billboards, television commercials, radio--everywhere we > looK and listen in the WOrldwide media tODay there are seCret messages > being distributed to our unsuspecting eyes and ears, and no way to > protect our cHildren, innocent and UnsophistiCated, from their menacing > intentions. bacK in the days When there was nO radiO anD no television > there was virtually no subliminal advertising beCause it was Harder to > conceal a sUbConscious image or message in newspaper printing. does > this mean that the electronic media are responsible for all the crazy > things that happen, and if so, how can we fight bacK? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } i would say the chances of being able to fight back is around Zero. } however, i would not be overly cOncerned about the adverTisers causing } all the craZy things that go on in this wOrld. despite the fact that } it's unlikely that The little details in ads seiZe our minds and cause } us spontaneously to buy or kill things, though, such fine points should } not be ignored. the electronic media should nOt be to blame, however. } the reasons lie in advancing accessibility to psychologists who can } advise The advertisers. interestingly, the line between subliminal } advertising and gimmicks is somewhat haZy. for instance, i was most } impressed a few years back when pepsi printed cans such that if you put } one on top of another in the right Orientation it spelled the word } 'sex' down the side. nevertheless, i think you're being a biT paranoid. --- 625-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mysterious Oracle, whose reasoning is without fail and perfect, > enlighten me: > > Your son and sage Heraclitus, whom you must remember, is reported to > have said: "The Oracle at Delphi does not answer yes or no, but gives > a sign." Is this crass commercialism or... (I'm sorry, I've forgotten > my question.) O Oracle, give me a sign. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } + --- 625-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo O, > > What can you tell me about the politically correct business And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PC-Filter......FOUND: 4 instances: } } Instance 1: } } Yo O } ^^ } } Not Politically Correct Error on : YO Line 1 } Usage of colloquialism common for Afro-Americans give some clue as to } origin of original sender. } Suggestion: Hello } } Instance 2: } } Yo O } ^ } } Not Politically Correct Error on : O Line 1 } Usage of O may ostracize those with hemmroids, those who cannot acheive } orgasm, implies stupidity, sexual connotations. } Suggestion: Person } } Instance 3: } } Yo O } ^ ^ } } Not Politically Correct Error on: Yo O Line 1 } Immediate comparison of two items of which one is inferior to the } other. Suggestion: YO O Yo o } } Instance 4: } } Yo O } ^ ^ } } Not Politcally Correct Error on: Yo O Line 1 } Apparent favouritism of the character 'o/O'. Discrimination against } other, equally competent vowels 'a/A e/E i/I u/U' } Suggestion: Yaeiou AEIOU } } Document FAILS PC Inspection. --- 625-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I am abashed by your relentless effulgence, and scarcely dare speak > in the presence of such a superior Being, but speak I must. > > It's almost February, and I need your advice, because I'm > Punxsutawney Phil. > > Well, actually, I'm Speedy Alka-Seltzer, from the old commercials, > and I only dress up as a famous groundhog. > > You remember, of course, that I wrote to you a few months ago, my > life in ruins, my pockets empty, no more limelight, the residual > checks from my commercials long since spent. Nobody in show business > cared about me any more, and I couldn't get a job. > > I turned to you for advice, and you saved my life. You referred me > to the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce, who were in a dither > because their famous Phil had been fried by a mysterious > lightning bolt, and they needed a stand-in, but fast! > > Yes, thanks to you, I have a job, and I'll be on network TV, even if > only once a year. It is all I ever wanted, and I owe it all to you! > My gratitude is eternal. > > But, I have a problem, and reluctantly I bother you again. > > I'm rusty, Oracle! I've been away too long! I can't remember my > lines! In the dress rehearsal, I popped out of the hole okay, but > when all the bright lights hit me, I froze up! I couldn't remember > whether to duck back in or to parade around Fred's back yard! > I'm gona be a flop! I'm gonna lose this gig! > > O Oracle, who can hog more ground than the real Phil ever could, > please help me, tell me, what shall I do, what shall I do? > > ----Speedy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Calm down Speedy, all is not lost. } } It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way. Even I used to get } nervous when confronted by cameras and lights. Here is the benefit of } my experience. } } 1) Take plenty of valium. Then take three more just to make sure. } Things never seem too bad when viewed through a chemical haze, } take my word for it. } } 2) Write your lines on the inside of your eyelids. The comfort of } knowing that they can be read in the blink of an eye will } probably calm you to such an extent that you'll remember them } anyway. } } 3) Wear a good pair of very dark sun glasses. Popping up into } the harsh glare of studio lighting after hours sitting in a } dark hole waiting for your cue, can cause severe stress. } } 4) Always evacuate your bowels and bladder before a take. It's } well known that rodent sphincters are not the most effective of } organs. The knowledge you're not going to crap all over the set } and maybe pee on the star of the show will be a great help. It's } one less thing to worry about, when you should be concentrating } on your lines, cues, and motivation. } } That's all there is to it really. I hope your career goes from } strength to strength. } } You owe the Oracle a widescreen tape of "Caddyshack". } } BTW, If I ever catch you digging up my lupin patch again, my priests } have orders to blow your face off with a shotgun. Have a nice day.