From oracle-request Thu Feb 10 10:49:30 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA04315; Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:49:30 -0500 Date: Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:49:30 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #627 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 627 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #627 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:49:30 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 627 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 622 67 votes cnl83 9fij6 498mo 45ojf 6npc1 2lgl7 4gbjh 78tf8 7jqb4 6biie 622 3.1 mean 2.5 3.0 3.8 3.5 2.7 3.1 3.4 3.1 2.8 3.3 --- 627-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, all powerful Oracle, whose toe nail clippings I am not worthy > enough to grind onto my chicken pot pie: > > I suspect that Bill Gates of Microsoft is really a Lemur. Is this > true? Does his wife know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lemurs are of the prosimian branches of the ape family (as opposed to } the arthropoid branches, wherein reside humans). The were so named } because the appeared to the Romans to be the spirits of the unburied } dead. The are extremely territorial and possessive and spend the } entire day eating and making haunting noises to warn off potential } intruders/thieves. As they walk, they urinate on their own paws so } that their scent will be everywhere they have walked, thereby marking } off their territories with widely recognized signs. } } It is sometimes difficult to tell what Bill Gates is...I presume he's } some sort of ape. He appears to the public to be some sort of } demonic programmer. He is extremely territorial and possessive and } will sue anyone who "steals his programs." As he codes, he marks } every line he has typed with widely recognized copyright symbols. } } Hmmm. Could be. --- 627-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, please tell me why the sky is blue. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We ran out of pistachio. --- 627-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you tell me if John Wayne Bobbit a.k.a. Stubby is doing > Okay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He's hanging in there. } } You owe the Oracle a Masculinity Sensitivity Training Course. --- 627-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear almighty oracle > are dinosaurs still around? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. But like other tenured faculty, they are rarely seen in the } classroom anymore due to their lofty status and spend most of their } time trying to get their massive tomes of drivel accepted for } publication and making bucks on the side through outside consulting } (Spielberg found this out and blackmailed them to make cameo } appearances in _Jurassic_Park_). --- 627-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me why the stars do shine; > Tell me why the ivy twines; > Tell me why the sky's so blue, > And I will tell you, just why I love you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question has an irresistable charm. It harks back to a day when } barter dominated the world market, often based upon trades of little } value to the other. } } Since the Oracle is simply the mouthpiece of the net.gods, It doesn't } really care why you love it. However, we can answer your question } nonetheless. } } Nuclear Fusion makes the stars to shine } Phototropism makes the ivy twine } Raleigh Scattering makes the so blue } Hormones make you say "I love you." } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of Isaac Asimov's books. --- 627-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do all words that rhyme have the same meaning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If two words did mean the same } Simply because they did rhyme } Then Lisa would really be my name } And robbery would be a lime } } A young man would want his date to miss, } Wizards would wield magic flowers, } You'd know a snake by his sis', } And get wet in April towers. } } But words that rhyme mean different things, } Which thus averts these curses; } You owe the Oracle three ruby rings, } To pay me for these verses. --- 627-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My God! No! You didn't! We can't print that in a family Ocularity. } } Note to priests: please appropriately censor the question with which } this answer is paired. } } Anyway, this little problem of yours, it's nobody's fault but your own. } However, in my infinite wisdom, I am going to furnish you with an } answer to your current predicament. } } This is what you must do: } 1) Stuff the goose (as in taxidermy, not as in edible stuffing). } 2) Tie it to the bottom of the bell-rope. } 3) Find a friend with tinnitus. Convince him or her that their cure } lies in campanology. } 4) Tie friend to goose. } 5) Give a good hard pull on the bell-rope, making friend, goose, etc, } shoot up into the rafters. } 6) Call the police (anonymously). } 7) Run very fast. } } Your friend will then be arrested, and the circumstantial evidence that } you left at the scene will point to him. } } You owe the Oracle: One of those photos you mentioned. How *did* you } manage that? --- 627-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh nearly divine oracle, creature of legend, and all that: > > What is the difference between a chicken and a ham? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The wise yet modest Oracle will illustrate this with a food parable. } With a breakfast of ham and eggs, the chicken is involved, while the } pig is committed. } The Oracle suggests you stick with cold cereal, as it appears best for } all concerned. --- 627-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, who not only knows how many angels can dance on the > head of a pin, but has also derived a hypothetical expression relating > angel-density to the composition of the pin-head. Who's merest > thoughts are more complex than Bolivia's air-defense system. I beg of > you to take pity on me, a poor ignorant supplicant who is in dire need > of an answer. > My question, oh seer of all, is this. > How many chu...er.. Sorry. Wrong page. > Ah, here we are: > My question, that is, my REAL question, is this: > > My girlfriend lives 4 hours away, yet alas; neither of us have cars. > Public transportation, while available, grows costly. > How may I spend more time with my love while at the same time not > spending next term's tuition? > > I await your wisdom.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It seems to me that you have several options. They are listed below, } in no apparent order: } } - The Romeo and Juliet option: You both arrange a time when you will } both take lethal poison and die together. Unfortunately, this hasn't } been proven to bring you closer together, and does have the side } effect of negating whatever life you may have had together. } } - The Surrogate Lover option: For a nominal fee, one of you can rent } someone to be there when the other can't. } } - The Shirley McLaine option: Learn to have out-of-body experiences } together. Distances are of little concern on the astral plane and } you'll get a kick out of actually being able to merge. Don't let that } silver cord break, though, whatever you do. } } - Telepathy: Tune in to each other's thoughts. Does have the } drawback of letting the other person know everything and anything } you're thinking of at the moment, so if you don't want any } misunderstandings, sit in a darkened room and don't you dare think of } sexy models you've seen recently. } } Or you could do the more conventional things like writing passionate } love letters everyday detailing just exactly how much you miss one } another, or you could go into debt with AT&T talking on the phone. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen long-stemmed roses and a box of chocolates. } Nuts and chewies, none of those cream centers. --- 627-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would you get if you crossed Geraldo with Lt. Worf? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know, but I wouldn't try to hit him with a chair. } } You owe the Oracle my own talk show. The first episode will be: } Overly abrasive security officers and the } slutty ship's counselors who love them. } The second guest will be Richard Simmons who will show us how to make a } lovely cellular peptide cake.....with MINT frosting.