From oracle-request Sat Feb 12 19:10:33 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA24602; Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:10:33 -0500 Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:10:33 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #628 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 628 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #628 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:10:33 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 628 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 623 69 votes lmbc3 ano84 8jk9d dql63 bcmi6 dcsa6 5ond4 2dckm 5knk1 8eiib 623 2.9 mean 2.3 2.6 3.0 2.4 2.9 2.8 2.8 3.7 2.9 3.1 --- 628-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle, tell me please, will Eddy the Eagle fly again in Lillehammer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only if Tonya pushes him ... --- 628-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > civil wrong punitive damages And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } EXECUTE ORACLE DECRYPTION PROGRAM } } BEGIN AI PARSE } } Parsing... } Found token: civil } Translating... } Result: Cybil } Definition: Proper name. } } Parsing... } Found token: wrong } Translating... } Result: rang } Definition: Past tense of ring. } } Parsing... } Found token: punitive } Translating... } Result: pensive } Definition: Contemplative, reflective, meditative. } } Parsing... } Found token: damages } Translating... } Result: cabbages } Definition: Leafy garden vegetable. } } Parsing... } Found EOF } } END } } ANALYSIS: Some spelling mistakes, but appropriate translation } achieved. Read input as: "Cybil rang pensive cabbages." } } EVALUATION: Sentence meaningless. Can not be answered as question. } } SUGGESTION: Make better use of grammatical tools. } } END ORACLE DECRYPTION PROGRAM --- 628-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and kind Oracle, tell me why the moon is made of green cheese, > and how can I get some of it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You do realize that the Moon was not always made of green cheese. In } fact, until quite recently it was made of rock. What happened? } Simple. } } Agricultural price supports. You see, in order to keep the U. S. dairy } industry healthy, the U. S. Federal government set up a system whereby } it would buy any excess milk that dairy farmers produced and could not } sell. This began during the Great Depression, continued through WWII, } and went on and on... } } Some of this milk was dehydrated, but the most practical way to store } it proved to be to make it into a hard cheese. It was an } undersecretary of Agriculture who hit on the idea, and he suggested } that the Feds kill two birds with one stone by using the excess herbs } (mostly basil, oregano, and chives) bought through the herb price } support program to flavor the cheese. The result: a hard, } herb-flavored cheese, tolerably palatable and capable of being stored } for long periods. } } By the mid-1950s, the Feds had accumulated an incredible amount of this } cheese. Almost all of it was still edible; in fact, it aged } beautifully, the herbal flavors mellowing, and cheese over twenty years } old was usually a delicacy. But what to do with it? Selling it or } giving it away was out of the question: one bureaucrat calculated that } the huge stockpile contained enough protein to fill the needs of the } entire planet for several years -- though, of course, not everybody } likes cheese, and some people cannot tolerate dairy foods. } } By 1952, the U. S. had a practical nuclear-powered space rocket -- all } very hush-hush, of course. The solution seemed obvious once Wernher } von Braun himself presented it to President Eisenhower in 1954: send } the cheese to the Moon, and as the amount of cheese grew, remove parts } of the Moon and send them into the Sun. Through a crash program far } surpassing the legendary Manhattan Project, a fleet of spaceships, } designed to resemble the popular conception of flying saucers so that } anyone seeing one would think it an alient craft, began making Lunar } trips within the year. Untold tons of green cheese were loaded aboard } the atomic saucers and sent to the Moon, and as the cheese accumulated, } fleets of earth-moving -- or rather Moomoving -- equipment were sent up } as well, to bulldoze the Moon into chunks that could be sent hurtling } off towards the Sun. } } Oh, it took work, and bribery, and swearings to secrecy. Nobody but a } few thousand incredibly loyal government employees knew about Project } Cheddar, as it was called, and when in 1957 the Soviet Union launched } its pitiful little Sputnik I, it was a sore trial to the men and women } who were shipping untold tons of green cheese to the Moon, and scooping } out untold tons of Moon rock and hurling it towards the Sun with } solar-powered mass-drivers. Thousands of scientists had to be bribed } or silenced; many were replaced by surgicallaltered doubles -- } admittedly, a dark page in an otherwise glorious endeavour. } } You can see that the entire U. S. space program is a coverup. Who } would suspect that vast amounts of surplus cheese were being shipped } into space, if all he saw were such pitiful efforts? The Apollo moon } landings took place on some of the few remaining patches of original } moonrock -- just beyond camera range were great false moonscapes } sculpted with care out of cheese. } } Anyhow, during the 1980s, the Moon's last sections of rock were } entirely replaced with green cheese. Why do you think that the } government started giving away cheese then? Note that the altered Moon } has about the same mass as the old, because the cheese dehydrated in } vacuum and compacted to rocky hardness and density under its own weight } -- hence there's been little change in the Lunar tides here on Earth. } } The documents pertaining to all this are so secret that you'll never } see them under the Freedom of Information Act, so don't even try. The } old nuclear-powered saucers are now considered unsafe, and are buried } under the Nevada desert in one of those secret areas of government } land. The Oracle can't think of how you can get any of that green } cheese -- perhaps the senior Senator from Wisconsin would let you have } some of his private stockpile of the "vintage" 1935, but it's not } likely. All the excess milk nowadays gets made into the sort of yucky } bland gluey cheese they gave away in the Eighties, and dairy-price } support programs are being phased out. } } You owe the Oracle a twenty-pound wheel of five-year-old Canadian raw } milk cheddar, and none of that lousy Black Diamond crap, understand? --- 628-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: The Usenet Oracle > Subject: Yes, I am > Key Words: I shall obey > > Oh most powerful deity, whose control over me is unending, what > are your wishes for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: The Usenet Oracle } Subject: No, you're not } Key Words: You damn well better } } I wish for you to dedicate your life to the betterment of mankind. } I wish for you to be nice to one stranger, every day of your life. } I wish for you to mail me $3000 in small unmarked bills. } I wish for you to give what you can to charity. } I wish for you to spend more time with your wife and kids. } I wish for you to be grateful for what you have. } I wish for you to mail me $3000 in small unmarked bills. } I wish for you to realize that others are not as lucky as you. } I wish for you to do good deeds with no thought of reward. } I wish for you to not use leaded gasoline. } I wish for you to avoid styrofoam cups. } I wish for you to mail me $3000 in small unmarked bills. } I wish for you to convert to natural gas from oil. } I wish for you to turn the lights out before you leave. } I wish for you to not leave your car idling for more than 3 minutes. } I wish for you to flush the toilet and put the seat & cover down. } I wish for you to mail me $3000 in small unmarked bills. } I wish for you to think for yourself and ask better questions. } } You owe the oracle any of the above. --- 628-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle: > > Who plays a better game of Double Fanucci than Forburn the Wily; who > graduated Summa Cum Laude from George Underwood Edwards Institute of > Technology; who has GIRGOL firmly enscribed in his spellbook; who > mines black holes with the greatest of ease; who knows which > subsidiaries of Frobozzco International will make money; who can get > Fillmore Fiduciary to acknowledge his change-of-address; co-inventor > of the Ultramarine Bioceptor; whom Floyd would never disobey, no, not > ever; who could have warned Marshall Robner if he wanted to; who never > smells of old socks or burning rubber; longtime friend of Buddy and > Hildegarde Burbank; adored by sponge-cats everywhere; who slavers with > only the best of Grue; who speaks perfect Frobnian; and who could even > fix Fred: > > I am in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. > > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > n } You are in a twist of mazy passages, all different. } > s } You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. } > n } You are in a twist of mazy passages, all different. } > s } You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. } > n } You are in a twist of mazy passages, all different. } > s } You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. } > n } Your oscillations have built up a powerful periodic thaumatic } resonance. The walls collapse. } There is a horrible little dwarf here. } > summon crowther } Will Crowther appears! } > summon woods } Don Woods appears! } > conversation } Conversation mode set. } C] Do you two realize what you've done? Do you realize that a thousand } ] years after you die, computer geeks are going to be mumbling to each } ] other about fierce green snakes and twisty little passages? } ] -o- } Will Crowther says, "I wish I were exploring Mammoth." } Don Woods says, "I miss TOPS-10." } C] exit conversation } Action mode set. } There is a horrible little dwarf here. Will Crowther is here. Don } Woods is here. } > quit } Adventure will never die. } > quit } Adventure will never die. } > ^Z } Stopped } 126 ~% kill %1 } Adventure will never die. } 127 ~% kill %1 } Adventure will never die. } 128 ~% kill -9 %1 } Adventure will never die. } 129 ~% su - } Password: } 51 /# /usr/ucb/shutdown -r +5 } Shutdown aborted. } Adventure will never die. } 52 /# init 0 } init: cannot change to state 0 } Adventure will never die. } 53 /# wall } Gang, mango is in the grips of a runaway advent process. I'm going to } go downstairs and yank the plug. Please save your work and log out. } } * * * } } UNIX(r) System V Release 4.0 (mango) } } login: root } 51 /# mail mango-all } Subject: New system administrator for mango. } } Hi. My name is Cathy Bletherflope. As I'm sure you all heard, Dr. } Basilisk passed away in a freak accident two days ago . . . --- 628-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great, Wise, Witty, Oracle, for whom there are no conundrums. . . > > Two Abyssinians walk into a bar. One Abyssinian is the father of the > other Abyssinian's son. > > How are they related? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, as two entities in space, where both entities posess a } certain amount of mass, they are are attracted to each other } by gravity. Assuming the bar is situated on another entity } (let's call it The Earth) this relation is neglectable. } } By the fact that they have a common son (from now on referred to } as "entity-link A", one might assume that the entity-link A is a } product of injection of seminal substances obtained from the entity } referred to as "One Abyssinian" (from now on referred to as "entity } A"), into the entity referred to as "the other Abyssinian" (from } now on referred to as "entity B"). } } By the fact that they are walking into a bar, it could be assumed } that entities A and B are creatures of the species Homo Sapiens, } looking at the address of the questioner, this entity (from now on } referred to as "entity C"), is probably a creature of the same species. } } These assumptions indicate that the question could be loaded with } implied facts, as the relations of Homo Sapiens are very complicated. } I therefore would not like to give a definite answer to the question } but instead supply you with some hypotheses, which you owe the Oracle } to investigate in order to find the one most probable. } } 6. Entity A is male, and related by sexual intercourse to entity B, } which is female. The relation has produced entity-link A. } 5. Entity A is male and has together with entity B, also male, } adopted entity-link A. } 4. Entity A is male and has sold seminal substance to an unknown } entity, which in turn injected this into entity B, producing } entity-link A. A and B are not related at all. } 3. Entity A is married to entity C, which have had sexual intercourse } with entity B, producing entity-link A. Entity A and B are male, } and related as best friends. } 2. Entity B is male, entity A is female, and entity C is confused over } the genders of parents. } } and } } 1. Entity A, B and C are drunk, not able of walking, writing questions, } breeding, or keeping track of relations. Entity D (The bar) is a } singles bar. Entities E and F are huge, attached to entity G } and much admired by entity C, who by telling this story, wants to } make entity G discard entity A and B, join entity C and produce } entity-link B. --- 628-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi Oracle, I've got a confusing problem I hope you can help me with. > (Just a minute while I take off my shoes... There, that's better.) > You see, I grew up in a nudist colony, and I just don't understand how > people can do anything with these scratchy, uncomfortable clothes on. > (Just a minute while I take off this shirt... Ahh, much better.) > Whenever I take a test, I just can't concentrate because of the > discomfort, but the proctors won't let me get comfortable. > (Just a minute while I take off these pants... Much, much better.) > And now, all the people in the terminal room are staring at me. So > this brings me to my question: What is the matter with them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What's wrong with them? They're unAmerican! Yes! They're breaking } Constitutional law! } } The best way to end-run this problem is to demonstrate that your right } to walk around naked is guaranteed by the Bill of Rights. [If you } were writing from England, you'd be hosed.] May I suggest: } } FIRST AMENDMENT: Tattoo "Helms Sucks" on your chest. Claim that being } forced to wear clothing is now a restriction of free speech. } } SECOND AMENDMENT: Claim that your schvanstucke constitutes armament, } and this is how you choose to keep and bear it. } } THIRD AMENDMENT: Claim to be married to soldier, and you have given } your consent for her to be quartered in your house. However, you are } homeless, so the only `house' you have is your clothing-- and she's } using it right now. } } FOURTH AMENDMENT: Batting your eyelashes, preen a little and insinuate } something about being unreasonably searched and seized. Play it for } laughs. } } FIFTH AMENDMENT: Claim that you've already been tried on charges of } public indecency, and thus can't be tried again; besides, the use of } your own state of undress in the process of filling out the police } complaint constitutes being forced to testify against yourself. } } SIXTH AMENDMENT: Remind your persecutor of your right to a public } trial. Putting a naked person on the witness stand of a public trial } merely exacerbates the problem they're trying to avoid. } } SEVENTH AMENDMENT: Bat eyelashes and preen as above; ask your } oppressor if it's worth twenty dollars or more, and then insist on a } jury. [Do NOT try this if you think the question could honestly be } answered in the negative.] } } EIGHTH AMENDMENT: Demonstrate how painful it is for you to wear } clothing; claim that being forced to do so constitutes a cruel and } unusual punishment. } } NINTH AMENDMENT: Let's quote this one in full: } } Amendment IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, } shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the } people. } } If the eight arguments above FAIL to convince your persecutors, they } have clearly taken the stand that being naked is not guaranteed by any } of the first eight amendments. Then you whip THIS one out, saying, } "Okay, being naked is not guaranteed by the first eight. But I retain } the right to be naked, which you cannot deny or disparage, by the } NINTH Amendment!" } } They will be Confused. Make good your escape. } } TENTH AMENDMENT: Another one to quote: } } Amendment X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the } Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the } States respectively, or to the people. } } Defy your tormentors to find the word "Naked" in the Constitution. } } You owe the Oracle a way to STOP thinking like a $#&?!ing lawyer. --- 628-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where can I find and get the manual of ORACLE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I must warn you that what you seek is not easily had. Only the very } brave or the very foolish would attempt the quest. } } First you must seek out the golden sword of Taarnak the beast. Only } armed with this, the mightiest of weapons, can you brave the dangers } of the underground maze of Khaaron. When at the deepest point in the } maze, you will find a small altar with four candles. You must pray } for guidance for if you light the candles in the wrong order, you will } be cast into the deepest pits of hell, there to rot in pits of molten } fire, eternally tormented. } } Having lit the candles, you should find yourself transported to a } featureless plain, bare in all directions. This is the land of } Yrrnhh, ruled over by the evil hunter-baron Xirtlu. If he finds you, } he will lose his ur-wolves on you for sport and will laugh as they } tear the flesh from your bones. } } Cross the plain of Yrrnhh, keeping the sun always to your back until } you reach a mighty river where a ferry tended by a one-legged man } named Xuph will allow you cross only if you can defeat him in unarmed } combat. } } On the other side of the river you will find the black cliffs of Ynos. } The only way is up and the only method is to climb, hand over hand, } until you reach the top. Beware the faceless harpies who fly around } the cliffs at dusk; they will tear at your face and back, attempting to } dislodge you. } } When you reach the top of the cliff, you should behold a huge mansion } behind an enormous gate. The gatekeeper will ask you three questions. } If you answer correctly, you will be allowed to pass. If not, you } will be thrown from the cliffs and the harpies will pick the flesh from } your corpse. } } Once inside the gate, follow the path around the mansion to the left } until you reach a large garden. In the centre of the garden, you will } find a man working quietly. } } This is Manuel, the Oracle's gardener. Try not to keep him busy too } long. He costs me a fortune. } } You owe the Oracle the reading-glasses of Ptarrsssossss. --- 628-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, please tell me how a bureaucracy > reproduces. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The mating patterns of bureaucracies are facinating. First, the } large male bureaucracy attempts to attract the attention of the female } bureaucracy by holding public hearings. Then they both create special } sub-committees on reporduction to do feasibility studies. After } several months, if all is favorable, a joint committee on reproduction } is established between the two bureaucracies. Soon there is the } seminal exchange of paperwork, and a few years later, the tiny new } bureaucracy is born, and begins to follow the path of its parents by } trying to devote all of its energies to sustaining and enlarging } itself. Such is the miracle of birth. --- 628-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most incredible edible oracle... > > How can I get a good-looking babe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Breed with a good looking woman, and hope that looks are genetically } dominant. } } You owe the Oracle a pea.