From oracle-request Wed Feb 23 08:44:58 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21911; Wed, 23 Feb 1994 08:44:58 -0500 Date: Wed, 23 Feb 1994 08:44:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #630 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 630 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #630 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 23 Feb 1994 08:44:58 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 630 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 625 83 votes bvpa6 769oB 7chsj eun97 eCm72 awv64 5noid 8dqnd 4irjf 6itl9 625 3.0 mean 2.6 3.9 3.5 2.6 2.3 2.5 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.1 --- 630-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 1+1 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SYNTAX ERROR } > 1 + 1 } PARSE ERROR } > 1 1 + } SEMANTIC ERROR } > help } INTENT ERROR } > ? } GRAMMAR ERROR } > quit } SATISFACTION ERROR } > ^C } UNPROVOKED ASSAULT ERROR } > ^D } VOID ERROR } > ^\ } SEGMENTATION ERROR } > ^\ } SEGMENTATION ERROR } > exit } EGRESS ERROR } > done } COOKING ERROR } > shutdown } OPEN FILES ERROR } > close files } CLOSED FILES ERROR } > shutdown } CLOSED FILES ERROR } > open files } UNOPENABLE FILES ERROR } > stop } NAME OF THE LAW ERROR } > halt } TURING ERROR } > finished } RAW WOOD ERROR } > complete } BUFFOON ERROR } > :q! } WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM VI ERROR } > ^X^C } I CANNOT BE EMULATED BY EMACS ERROR } > sod off } DON'T SWEAR AT ME YOU LIMEY BASTARD ERROR } * * * } } "IBM Tech Support, may I help you?" --- 630-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Good Oracle, greatest and best of all Oracles, Oracle of all > those that are good and great, and of Greatness and Goodness the most > Oracular arbiter: > > Why are so many of the Oracularities these days just plain unfunny? > Have your priests contracted some dreadful disease? Is it something to > do with w**dchucks? Is something on your mind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your query has been duly noted. We, too, are troubled by the current } non-humorous state of affairs. We believe that through further effort, } we can raise the quality of our humor to the standards that you had } once come to expect. } } Your co-operation in this endeavor would be much appreciated. } Please take the time to fill out the following form, so that we may } know how to better serve you. } } Strongly Agree | Agree | Disagree | Strongly } Disagree I believe the quality } of the Oracularities } has decreased. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } I feel that the humor } content of the Oracularities } is hindered by: } } a) Overuse of bad puns } } b) Campyness } } c) Dreadful diseases } } d) Excessive repetition } of questions } } e) Woodchucks } } f) Too many in-jokes } } g) An overtly stiff, } formal attitude } } h) Excessive repetition } of questions } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } I believe that the Oracularities can be made funnier by: } } a) Topicality } } b) Originality } } c) An altering of } groveling habits } } d) Full frontal nudity } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } I believe that the } Oracle's fees are } too high } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } I had Fruity Pebbles } for breakfast } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } Additional comments: } } } } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Thank you very much for filling out this form. The time you have } contributed will be instrumental in improving the quality of the } Oracularities. } } The Oracle would greatly appreciate the contribution of a banana split } made with a rutabaga instead of a banana. } } Have a nice day. --- 630-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and all-knowing Oracle, please tell me why I feel somehow > compelled to shave my butt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } Let's play a little game, shall we? } } 1) Stand up. } } 2) Put a pickle in your mouth (dill or sweet, it doesn't matter). } } 3) Next, slap a bumper sticker on your butt. } } 4) Now, which is closer to the ceiling, the pickle or the bumper } sticker? } } If you said "the bumper sticker" (which you probably did), then you } have been shaving your *face* and not what you believe to be your butt. } } ** You owe The Oracle a can of Burma Shave. --- 630-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Arf woof Oracle, bark woof woof yowl woof bark bark: > > Arf arf arf woof woof woof woof bark woof woof bark bark? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is it, Lassie? Is Timmy in trouble? What's the matter } with him? What is it, girl? He got his _WHAT_ stuck in the } milking machine??? Ahem, we interrupt this program for a } station break. } } You owe the Oracle a seven course meal - without dairy products. --- 630-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who is properly structured: > > Why does the COBOL language still exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How are COBOLs supposed to communicate, in English I suppose? Sheesh } you Americans are sooo ethnocentric. } } 'klaack spoor'cha! ( COBOL slang for "eat my shorts, yankee" ) } } You owe the Oracle a translation of the COBOL national anthem, minus } the obscenities. They *do* tend to be a bit crass. --- 630-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the chemical composition of SPAM???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pathetic. Not only do you have no manners at all (Where's my } goddamn grovel?) but you can't even grasp the most obvious of } universal fundamentals. } } Spam doesn't have a chemical composition. It's the other way } around! EVERYTHING in the universe is made from SPAM! The } question you should have asked is "What is the spam composition } of chemicals. I suggest you get yourself a few books and do } some serious reading. Here's a few you might find informative: } } A Brief History of Spam, S. Hawkins } } Godel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Spam Can, D. Hofstadter } } Surely You're Spamming Mr. Feynman?, R. Feynman } } Spam Tools, R. Rucker } } Asimov's New Guide to Spam, I. Asimov } } You owe the Oracle, a 20 page article on the relationship of } Spam particles to the strong nuclear force. --- 630-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, whose knowledge spans the Multiverse like > Rachmaninov's fingers spanned one and a half octaves on the piano, > please turn the laser beam of your wisdom to the butter pat that is my > question. Why has one of my work colleagues become very attached to a > rubber dinosaur on a metal 'stick' thingy. He always takes it around > with him, pokes people with it, and keeps finding it, no matter where > it's hidden. What is the attraction that this strange device has over > him ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh-oh, seems that the Internet has mixed up my answers. } } The dinosaur-on-a-stick thing I sent to a caveman asking } for a totem. Seems like your friend got it instead. } I wonder what the caveman got in answer to the question } about how to make a better impression at work? --- 630-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what happened? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry -- line noise. Anyway, as I was saying, it's clear that Fermat's } Last Theorem has been proved. See above. } } You owe the Oracle fame among mathematicians. --- 630-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty oracle. Why is it that in the original movie "Godzilla" > godzilla is 400 feet tall, and in "King Kong" kong is 50 ft tall, But > in the movies : "Godzilla vs. king Kong " (Both the american and > japanese movies), Kong and Godzilla are the same height? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Flintstones Vitamins. --- 630-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, oh mighty and overwhelming Oracle, oh why can't the lowly acc > find the darned ___main when it's right there in crt0.o? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The acc uses the gnidirder.hood utility with the basket process } (inputs are w1ne and brea.0) which looks into the __map in the } li6.rary for the 67dir.x reference to the __path in the for.e5t } leading to the c0tt.age where __amdnarg points to the __main. } } You probably have the w0.lf parameter in the c0tt.age instead } of in the for.e5t, also, be sure that _amdnarg is not in the w0.lf. } } /O