From oracle-request Tue Mar 1 17:49:26 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA25399; Tue, 1 Mar 1994 17:49:26 -0500 Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 17:49:26 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #632 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 632 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #632 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 17:49:26 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 632 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 627 65 votes 8nn92 chib7 ejf89 9jid6 56hpc 2e8re 2brh8 cgpa2 1dtf7 bhccd 627 3.0 mean 2.6 2.8 2.7 2.8 3.5 3.6 3.3 2.6 3.2 3.0 --- 632-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT IS INFOSYS? > > HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE TO INFOSYS? > > HOW DO I SUBMIT AN ARTICLE TO INFOSYS? > > WHAT ARTICLES ARE APPROPRIATE? > > WHO MANAGES INFOSYS? > > WHAT ARE PLANS FOR INFOSYS DEVELOPMENT? > > HOW DO I GET BACK ISSUES OF INFOSYS? > > HOW DO I DO A STRING (KEYWORD) SEARCH OF INFOSYS BACK ISSUES? > > HOW DO I GET A LIST OF INFOSYS SUBSCRIBERS? > > HOW DO I CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION? > > WHAT IS LISTSERV? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen to me carefully (get a pen and a piece of paper, if you } like). Take a deep breath. Put both hands on the desk in front } of your terminal. Push away from the desk, putting equal pressure } simultaneously on both hands. Stand up (if you don't remember how } to do this, pick up the phone and ask the Information Operator). } Walk away from your computer. Do not look back no matter how strong } the compulsion. } Walk out into the open air. Take some more deep breaths. Go } easy, you'reprobably not used to this particular ratio of oxygen to } carbon dioxide andothermiscellaneous gases. Go forth into the world } and speak to any other human being you encounter. (Try starting with } something like "hi," or "hello!" or "Hey, how's it going?") } You need to start attempting to get a life. You are way too } occupied with your computer. It's bad for you. Believe me. } I don't lie. Just do it. --- 632-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Almighty Oracle, > > What is "The missing link"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The missing link is a bratwurst reportedly last seen on the Titanic, } before its disastrous end. Many survivors claim to have in their } possession the actual link, but the actual location of the true sausage } has never been verified. --- 632-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a train, going 75 miles an hour, leaves Montreal at 7:15 a.m., with > 40 passengers, twelve of whom are discordian, fnord? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, kids!! Now get a free Shuggoth in every box of Sugar Coated } Chthuloops!! --- 632-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To the Oracle, in deepest gratitude: > > Here I sit, all alone, > In a world so strange and mean > But there is hope for all mankind > It lies within the screen. > > The Oracle is here to help > With all your wants and needs > His generosity certainly > Outweighs his fiendish greed. > > His wisdom flows from here to there > And everywhere in between, > He knows just how to make your day > He tends not to be mean. > > The Oracle shall save us all > From all our earthly woes > Just in time all shall be saved > Just don't step on his toes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's most gratified } With your dramatic assertation. } But there remains one query yet } Wither is the question? } } I've searched through both the first verse } And the second, and the fourth, } Also the third, because, } I will not shirk this quest of yours. } } I've searched all through the "wisdom", } And the "earthly", and the "mean", } But still I cannot find it! } (I've also searched full inbetween). } } Orrie has now come to an } Inescapable conclusion. } The question (if there is one) } Is concealed in the allusion } } That says that I shall save you all } From all your Earthly woes } And just in time you shall be saved } But don't step on my toes! } } (The reader may have noticed, } In the wording of this poem } A certain similarity, } To the supplicant at home, } } Tapping away at the keyboard, } Writing his little plea. } That is purely to engender } A sense of security.) } } Now this is clearly a reference, } To the wond'rous Oracular Feet. } Famed throughout the universe } For being so generally neat. } } "The Feet shall save us all!", they cry, } As the domesday hour approaches, } But wait! A problem has occured! } The Feet have been bitten by roaches! } } (That last line may seem a tad contrived, } Purely there to maintain the rhyming. } But the Oracle would never do such a thing } Especially when dining). } } "Oh no!", they cry, "Our chance is gone!", } And riot in the street. } But "Calm you down!", Our Man exclaims, } "Nothing shall stop my Feet!" } } And so, and thus, the Feet went on, } (Hooray!) To save us all, } And justly then the world exclaimed, } "Hoorah! for the Oracle!". --- 632-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you for reals? > Hello? > Fuck And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Fuck, } Let me answer your questions in turn. } } > Are you for reals? } } I am indeed for reals. The real number system (including integers, } rationals and irrationals) is fundamental to modern mathematics. } } > Hello? } } Goodbye. } } You owe the Oracle grade-school literacy. --- 632-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you're really the Oracle.... > > what do I have behind my back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O.K. wiseguy, the Most Powerful and Least Patient Oracle will } give you your answer. } } Speaking directionally, your back, while being the back of your } front, is also the front of your back. Now if the front of your } back is your back, that is the back of your front, then logically } anything behind your back must be behind the front of your back, } and therefore, in front of you. } So, the answer is your computer screen. } } Doubt the Almighty Oracle, will you? Any more skepticism } from you and you'll be on the recieving end of a *ZOT* so big you } won't find your back for a fortnight. --- 632-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why *did* the chicken cross the road, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has duly ponder every facet } of your intellectual musings and is } prepared to profoundly answer your } question... } } One fine Saturday afternoon there was more abuzz than } usual in the steel and glass mansion of the Chicken } household. Little Chelsea D. Chicken, it seems, was } going to the prom that night. Her first dance at } the Cornish Game Hen Finishing HIgh School, Chelsea } was understandably nervous and giddy. She darted around } the house like a chicken with her head cut off } checking to make sure all preparations were well under } control. } } Her father, Bob "Brown N Serve" Chicken had already lovingly } slapped 3 hours worth of tape in the videocamera. } } Lydia "I'd like a thigh" Chicken had made the hors d'oevres } for the pre-photo session chit-chat between the Chicken } family and the Pollos, a wonderful Spanish wine clan who } had only recently moved to the area after stock in their } Malaguena wine company went public. } } Little Chunk CHicken had been safely locked in his room, } along with every childhood photo album which showed } Chelsea in embarassing egg-hood. } } Chelsea mentally went over the routine she would follow to } make herself a fitting date for the suave and debonaire } Julio Cesar Pollo. Tiara.. check. Pearl earrings and } necklace.... check. Nylons to cover her unsightly chicken } skinned legs. A beautiful feather trimmed dress to hide her } skinny chicken legs and accentuate her plump and delicious chest. } } SUddenly Chelsea let out a great squawk, causing her parents to } race to the frilly lace nest of their daughter. } } "I like totally forgot about beak gloss and talon polish!" } she gasped, falling back into her nest and sobbing uncontrollably. } "How will I ever be the most succulent chicken at the prom } with beak gloss and talon polish???? Julio Cesar will despise me!" } } Chelsea's mother sweated in panic... Wht to do, what to do. } In an instant, she whispered to her husband, urging him } to go to the Circle K across the street and pick up some } polish and gloss for Chelsea, to soothe her nerves and } let her concentrate on the festivities at hand. } } Seizing the opportunity for chivalry, Mr. Chicken patted his } daughter on the head and raced out of the house, proud to } be able to help his Angel Birdie in her moment of need. } } Unfortunately in his haste, poor Bob did not have the good } sense to look both ways when crossing the road and was } most unpoetically flattened by a Foster Farms Truck, } putting a damper on not only the prom jocularity, but } on the slushie throwing contest that was going on across } the street at the Circle K as well. } } You owe the oracle a bucket of the Colonel's finest, hold the nasty } gravy. --- 632-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O frabjous Oracle, calloo callay, whose gyres and gimbals never wabe, > please enlighten me, your pathetic useless supplicant: > > How is it that I'm moderately popular and have an active social life, > when I was a Computer Science major in college? From what I > understand, I am an anomaly. I'm supposed to be spending my time in a > dimly lit lab playing XTrek and drinking Jolt, am I not? > > PS. I am female; please refrain from penis jokes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You didn't mention my more vorpal qualities. } } O pathetic worthless supplicant, you are indeed supposed to be in a } dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and drinking Jolt. For what is our } educational system for? To educate? NO! It's a mouse race designed } to prepare you for the rat race! (College is time trials.) The } curricula are specifically designed to help you fit into the grand } pattern of modern life. } } It seems that you failed to meet the expectations of society, your } parents, various civic leaders, and most Deadheads by actually } learning something. The only cure is to continue your education } until the system grinds your free will and joie de vivre into a fine } powder. } } You might choose from the following areas of underachievement. I } have included (for your benefit) a synopsis of what is expected of } you. } } Computer Science: } } College Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing } XTrek and drinking Jolt. Interact only with other } CS majors, and only via the 'net if you can manage } it. Become passionately involved only in the } continuing IBeM/Commode-ore/Suckintosh debate. } } Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, } playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet } coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only } with your own project team, and then only via } e-mail. Become passionately involved in the } continuing debate over who pays when the schedule } slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them } to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. } } Psychology: } } College Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing } with rats and other vermin. Drink Jolt by the } six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents. } Interact only with other Psychos, but only to } analyze their behavior in non-lab situations. } Become involved in the continuing debate over } whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci } major. } } Real Life Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and } living in a cardboard box with other vermin, } wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat. } Continue to consider yourself superior to social } work majors. } } Economics: } } College Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room } full of charts and graphs. Learn about supply and } demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply } and demand, inflation, and supply and demand. } } Real Life Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government } office with people who look just like you. Issue } reports you wrote in college because you're too } lazy to write a new one. Watch newscaster explain } your report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to } President explain that the economy sucks because } of unemployed psychologists. } } Philosophy: } } College Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree } falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, fuck! Not } again!" Consider the ethical problems in the killing } of annoying street mimes. Get failed by prof for } not liking correct dead guy. } } Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, } playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet } coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only } with your own project team, and then only via } e-mail. Become passionately involved in the } continuing debate over who pays when the schedule } slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them } to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. } Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays } better than being a dead philosopher. } } Math: } } College Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about } polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties } with other mathematicians. Scream when they steal } your work. Steal their work. Be a social outcast. } } Real Life See above. You work for the university. } } I suggest you apply immediately and start being downwardly mobile. } It's never too late to become a sponge. } } You owe the Oracle a doctorate. } } PS How many penises does it take to screw in a light bulb? --- 632-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, clever and quick witted, storyteller extraordinaire, please > tell me a story that has romance, intrigue, daring and excitement. > > Ta. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, once there was this guy, you see, and he like fell in love with } this girl and like, they had to hide it from people cause like he was } black and she was white or somethin'. So finally they like tell } everybody and there's this big chase scene. } } You didn't ask for a good story. --- 632-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is life And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just a game, devised within the same timeframe, by God and John Conway. } } The God version is somewhat more complex, since it allows some players } to wonder why they have to die, and give rise to rebellion, denial and } suicide. But that becomes rather messy after a while, and the required } board to play the game is somewhat larger than your standard universe. } (Of course, basement universes can provide an enjoyable evening). } } The Conway version is much cleaner. And the little dots don't run } around screaming when they have to die, or ask silly questions like } "Why are we here", or "Is there really 100% beef between the Golden } Arches buns?". } } I've heard the rumour that somewhere on a game of Conway Life, by } strange and random mutations, the dots combine to form a bit-map of } Elvis's face alternating over a couple of life cycles to the words } 'Jimmy Carter=GODT'. } } This raises some Pan Critical Questions, as the extropians would say, } for we do not know: } 1. If Elvis is being paid royalties for appearing in a shareware } program. } 2. If GOD is behind this, John Conway is behind this, or if it is } just some kind of practical joke played by the Unified Field } Theory 0.92beta which most immortals have acknowledged to be *the* } supreme being. } 3. Why, of all possible mutations, that the dots could only be } fitted to this display by misspelling the word GOD as GODT. } NOTE: many believe that this either implies that the English } language does not fit the true flow of the cosmos, or } that there is a supreme other above GOD with the strange } name GODT. } 4. What in the hell Jimmy Carter (the human peanut) is doing in all } this. } } PS: the existence of the two versions of life have prompted the common } phrase in our incomplete language: 'Get *a* life' opposed to 'Get } Life'. } } Extropians would argue that since English was devised BEFORE Conway } came up with his version of life, this means that everything in } this universe was meant to be. } } Including Tonya Harding. } } Oooooops. Slipped again.