From oracle-request Fri Mar 4 09:05:16 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA08880; Fri, 4 Mar 1994 09:05:16 -0500 Date: Fri, 4 Mar 1994 09:05:16 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #633 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 633 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #633 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 4 Mar 1994 09:05:16 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 633 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 628 63 votes hbka5 7kob1 58iie 4jmd5 4aamh bdhf7 45dlk 5bkn4 2fki8 6ecid 628 3.2 mean 2.6 2.7 3.4 2.9 3.6 2.9 3.8 3.2 3.2 3.3 --- 633-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Magnificent Oracle, whose knowledge is truly all-encompassing, who > never needs a spell-checker to write even the word "inestimable" with > confidence, and who could spend an hour on the stairmaster without > breaking a sweat (if he wasn't so perfectly in shape that Ah-nold > gnashes his teeth at the very thought of that physique), please help > your humblest of supplicants out with the following Really Nasty > Problem: > > Today, I received my World History final. Everything was going fine > until I reached a problem that my limited little brain simply could not > answer. So I left a full-size wax dummy of myself in my chair and > rushed off to ask you to help me out. Please answer the question for > me, and quickly, since I'm not sure how long Professor Spluttenfern > will be fooled by my simulacrum. Here's the question: > > "Please recount the entire history of the world in a rhymed verse of 86 > words or less." > > Help me, Usenet Oracle, you're my only hope. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's half your answer. You'll have to write the other 43 words } yourself. If you're lucky, Spluttenfern won't notice that my part } wasn't written by a member of homo sapiens. } } Indus Valley, Land of Sumer, } Egypt, China, Greece and Rome. } Thought and intrigue, plot and rumor, } Sailors straying far from home, } } Ages dark and ages light, } Vandals, Vikings burn and rape. } Follies, forces, foes to fight, } Lo! The works of Man, Great Ape. } } You owe the Oracle your technique for figuring out in advance that } you're going to need wax dummies for your exams even when you think } they are going to go well. Also your recipe for making them. And, oh } yes, you owe Prof. Spluttenfern the secret formula for getting that } horrid wax off his fingers. He thinks he killed you when he tried to } wake you up, and he sent the dummy to the infirmary. I'm patching } things up best I can. You really owe me a lot for this one. --- 633-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I deal with a selfish woman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just ignore her and she'll go away. --- 633-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If all the world is in fact a stage, what can we do if we really screw > up our lines? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's use this supplicant's life as an example: } [The Director aka God has summoned the chief writer aka the USENET } [ Oracle to a review meeting.] } } G: We got a guy here who keeps blowing his lines. I want you to take a } look at this. [shouts off stage: okay replay today] } } [Scene one, this morning] } Cute Cheerleader: Hi, could you help me a second? } Supplicant: Sorry, I got a class right now. } } O: Damn, he blew that. Well I guess I can scrap that hot sex scene I've } been working on all afternoon. } G: Thats not all, keep watching. } } [Scene two, lunch time] } Supplicant:[busting up in line at the local deli] Excuse me } mister, I'm kinda in a hurry here. } Businessman1: Isn't that Joe's kid? } Businessman2: Yeah, looks like the photo he sent when asked me } to give him a job. } Businessman1: You gonna do it? } Businessman2: No way, I got enough rude kids working for me } already. } } O: Well, I can scratch writing the car buying scene for this clown, } too. } G: One more. } } [Scene three, evening. An A and R man for a major record label } knocks on the supplicants door] } Record Exec: Son, I heard you playing your guitar all the way } down in the lobby when I came in and I... } Supplicant: I'LL PLAY HOWEVER FRICKEN LOUD I WANT. IT AIN'T } QUIET HOURS YET JUST GET OUT OF MY DAMN FACE. } [slams door] } } O: Oh no, now I have to rescript this guy's whole life. This was the } start of the big rock star thing we were planning for months. } G: Well write him something simple. Make him a janitor or something. } O: The hell with that. I'm going to write him out. } [Lightning crackles in the distance. A major storm is brewing] } } You owe the Oracle a last request. (Watch him blow this line too) --- 633-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All wise, all knowing Oracle, why do drive-up ATM machines have > Braille codes on the keys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the blind, silly. The seeing-eye dog can't be expected to drive } AND use the machine. --- 633-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wisest Oracle, > Whom we trust the best in, > How would _you_ answer a rhetorical question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do you ask? --- 633-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, one whose flatulence smells of roses and elderberries, > whose visage is glowing and perky, and who plays a mean game of > cribbage, I, your unworthy supplicant, lower than the lowest undergrad, > and tiddler of winks, I prostrate myself at thy feet, kiss thy hairy > toes and ask you this question..... > > Is sex better than Ben & Jerry's ice cream? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, sex is better _with_ Ben & Jerry's ice cream. --- 633-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who understands all the puzzles of humankind, along > with all those of goatkind. And dogkind too. Also fishkind, lemurkind, > wombatkind - yea, verily, even moosekind, albatrosskind, lemmingk... > > Ahem. Sorry. > > My question is this: > > There are two forms of logic. One for when you are in a state of > sobriety, and one for when you are not. Can you explain this second > form of logic to me? The sort of logic that makes it seem completely > logical to remove a bollard from in front of the police station and > carry it home. The sort of logic that means that the only thing you can > possibly do next is run through the high street singing 'American Pie' > wearing only a traffic cone. > > How does that logic work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi-ho nervous supplicant, Kermit the Oracle here with another muppet } news flash: } } Your question has been deliberated with great solemnity (or at least } as much solemnity as you can cram in amongst a lunch of tuna salad } and smores) and the following answers have been found, one along } classic Western thought, and one among the great works of the } Vietnamese Zen Masters: } } A) Basic Aristotelian syllogisms run if A = B, and B = C, then A = C. } Alcoholic syllogisms run if A = B and a half, and Barney + Xuxa = } Clarabell, then the woman on the far end of the bar really wants to } have your children, where children = the number of darts that actually } managed to hit the target without poking somebody in the eye + the last } place you remember seeing your wallet. } } B) Slap! You should eat ape dung for asking explanations! The sound of } one hoof tapping; a mailman at my door. } } You owe the Oracle a Slippery Nipple for using the word "bollard" in } public. --- 633-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what meal could I cook today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. Let me check out your kitchen. You have: } } 6 frozen mini-pizzas } 1 half-full can of spaghetti sauce } A whole heap of noodles } 5 three-month-old eggs } table syrup } } Now, I'll run the ingredients through my Oracle recipe database } to get all possible meals that can be made from these ingredients } (filtering out anything inedible by humans or that tastes like } it should be.) } } Hmmm. A nice small number. Of course, you want to know which } one of these to cook, so I'll just list the consequences of } each choice: } } Meal: mini-pizzas } } Consequence: Unknown to you, the power has been spotty at your } place for the last month. As a result, everything } in your freezer is somewhat past due. Thus, if you eat } these, you will die, slowly and painfully, of } food-poisoning. } } Meal: Spaghetti } } Consequence: A pretty good meal, but one that'll give you } gas. This is especially bad considering the roving } camera crew that will appear at your door. The } force-ten pants-buster you'll let go just as Regis } asks your opinion on Middle-East peace talks will, } because of a bug in the satellite uplink software, } be seen world-wide. Propagandists will seize } on the footage as the American opinion of their } plight. Terrorism will follow and the whole thing } will escalate into world-wide nuclear war within } ten months. } } Meal: Mystery Omelette } } Consequence: A freak quantum event will occur while you } are nuking the spaghetti sauce, noodles and } table syrup, causing your meal to collapse into } a very dense, extremely massive black hole. } It will only takes another fifteen minutes for } the Earth and everything on it to get sucked in } too. } } So, if I were you, I'd go to McDonald's again. } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Chicken McNuggets, and don't } forget the barbecue sauce. --- 633-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, > > I came across a question in an ethics in computing mailing list I > subscribe to and decided that since you know EVERYTHING (being > omniscient and all) I should check with you to learn what the > correct answer is before responding. I've paraphrased the > question below. > > "In a case of human death because an expert system was misused > in a hospital who should be held liable? Is it the user of the > expert system (In this case the doctor), the programmer, the > experts from whom the knowledge was gained (other doctors) or the > service provider?" > > Thanks for your help! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The trouble with law cases like these is that there are no precedents. } Fortunately since I am ominipotent, I can give you a consequent. } } >Scene: The Old Bailey, London, June 1998. } > } >Judge: Will the counsel for the prosecution call the first witness. } > } >Counsel for the Prosecution (CP): I call upon Dr Evan Braithwaite. } > } >(pause while witness takes the stand) } > } >CP: Dr Braithwaite. Were you using the Expert System, supplied by } >InterFact LTD at the time the patient died? } > } >DB: Yes. } > } >CP: And, do you feel that the Expert System was in any way responsible } >for the death of the patient? } > } >DB: I have no doubt of that. } > } >CP: And, would you say, that had the Expert System not been installed, } >that the patient would still be alive today? } > } >DB: Yes, the patient would be alive today. } > } >CP: Thank you Dr Braithwaite. That is all. } > } >Judge: The counsel for the defense will now call their first witness. } > } >Counsel for the defense: The defense also wishes to call Dr } >Braithwaite. } > } >CP: OBJECTION your honour. The defense is calling a witness who has } >nothing to do with their case. } > } >Judge: Objection overruled. Dr Braithwaite will now take the stand. } > } >CP: OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR. For the defense to call Dr Braithwaite to } >the stand is unnacceptable for a man of Dr Braithwaite's professional } >standing. } > } >Judge: Overruled. Dr Braithwaite will now take the stand and the } >Counsel for the Prosecution will cease and desist from these } >objections. } > } >CP: OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR. Dr Braithwaite is of a delicate } >constitution and should not take the stand under any circumstances } >where he might be aggressively questioned. } > } >Judge: OVERRULED COUNSEL. } > } >CP: OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR. } > } >Judge: The counsel for the prosecution is now in contempt of court and } >will.. } > } >CP: OBJECTION YOUR .... } > } >Judge: The counsel for the prosecution is in contempt of court. } >Baliffs! Remove the counsel for the prosecution from the court. } > } >(two burly baliffs drag the counsel for the prosecution from the } >court) } > } >Judge: Dr Braithwaite will now take the stand. } > } >Counsel for the defense: Dr Braithwaite. Were you present at the time } >the patient died? } > } >DB: Yes. } > } >CD: What specific injuries were the cause of death? } > } >DB: Fracture of the skull and intrusion into the cerebral region. } > } >CD: And, the Expert System was the cause of death? } > } >DB: Yes. } > } >CD: (sighs) Dr Braithwaite, were you using the Expert System at the } >time the patient sustained these injuries? } > } >DB: Yes. } > } >CD: And how were you using the computer at that time? } > } >DB: Well, I had my hands on it.... } > } >CD: And? } > } >DB: ... and I was, well, using the computer. } > } >CD: Dr Braithwaite. Had you or had you not raised the computer above } >your head? } > } >DB: Erm, yes, but .... } > } >CD: And, Dr Braithwaite, did you or did you not then bring the } >computer down on the patient's head with considerable force? } > } >DB: Well, I might have done. } > } >CD: Dr Braithwaite? } > } >DB: Well, ok then, yes I did. } > } >CD: No more questions, your honour. } } You owe the Oracle a fix for the "smash the computer into the patient's } head" bug. --- 633-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and wonderful Oracle, > wiser than mortal man, > Answer me this simple question > as I'm sure you can. > > A symptom of cultural decay, > our lifestyle is in danger: > Tell me what's the great appeal to those > "MIGHTY MORPHIN' POWER RANGERS"?!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, certainly dear supplicant, } the answer's clear to me. } And since you were so eloquent, } I will reply for free... } } In our society today } dullness and life are one: } And so we need to find some way } to give ourselves some fun. } } Now since ourselves we don't possess } a safe way to get thrills, } We'll have to go for second best: } which at least won't get us killed. } } The mighty power rangers are } (and this to me is clear) } The method that is best by far } to experience without fear. } } For their adventures bold and wild } (strange as it may seem) } Are the fond desire of every child } and every adult's dream.