From oracle-request Sun Mar 6 10:10:43 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA03423; Sun, 6 Mar 1994 10:10:43 -0500 Date: Sun, 6 Mar 1994 10:10:43 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #634 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 634 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #634 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 6 Mar 1994 10:10:43 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 634 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 629 60 votes 8go84 aaig6 hfca6 8ar96 6dmd6 4mm75 67iaj bied4 6hle2 a9fbf 629 2.9 mean 2.7 3.0 2.5 2.9 3.0 2.8 3.5 2.7 2.8 3.2 --- 634-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most spediferous, who has never faced an existential crisis: > > My life is for shit. I am graduating soon, with a perfectly useless > BA degree, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, I'm > terrified of being stuck in a useless, boring, low-paying job for > my entire life, my roommate has gone insane, my paramour won't leave > his wife, I can't get anyone of either gender to go out with me > and my father has started claiming that he's getting in touch with > his past lives -- I meet a new one every few days. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chin up, supplicant, and forget your fear } The answer to all your problems is here } Don't worry about the past lives of your Dad } And everything else that is making you sad. } } If you haven't a clue what to do with your life } Then you're perfectly suited to become someone's wife } It's the best thing to do when life is a bitch } For your problems will vanish if you marry rich. } } Your husband may be such a terrible bore } Who leaves hairs in the bath, and at night, he may snore } Just discover the reason your roomie's insane } And whatever you did back then, do it again. } } When he's totally gaa-gaa, and eating the walls } Take him for a holiday, to Niagra falls } Tell him you love him, and then tell him why } Tell him you love him coz he's able to fly. } } Then back in the comfort of your brand new home } Call up your old paramour on your solid gold phone } Tell him about all the stock you've acquired } Tell him you're his new boss, and that he's fired. } } Follow this advice and the world will be yours } For money buys happiness, power, and laws } But always be thankful, pay me half what you've got } Though you may buy an army, I've still got my ZOT! --- 634-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is everyone telepathic but me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 634-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh wise and perplexing oracle, if Socrates died thousands of > years ago by doing something rather unintelligent as consuming hemlock, > why would we want to answer questions in the Socratic Method, thus > continuing his legacy of stupidity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suppose you meant "...why would we want to answer questions posed by } a teacher using the Socratic Method". The difference, of course, is } that the Socratic Method is a teaching technique, not a technique of } answering a teacher's questions. } I suppose you also meant to preface your question with an appropriate } amount of groveling and sniveling, but it was sadly omitted. } I suppose you also are unaware of the many enlightening truths recently } brought to light by NORHL (the National Organization for the Reform of } Hemlock Laws). For instance, hemlock has many beneficial uses (it's a } dessert topping AND a floor wax), when taken in moderation. Socrates } was a notorious party animal, and frequently HEMmed-out, as ODing was } called in those days. Recent translations have made it clear that } Socrates' final fling was caused by waiting too long for a slow student } to respond to one of his questions. [The Final Question, as it is now } called, had to do with why one would want to answer his questions; thus } lending a certain irony to your current inquiry. In fact, while } waiting for myself to complete the answer to your question, I feel a } strong need for more hemlock myself.] } } "Do you owe the Oracle anything for this answer?" I said Socratically. --- 634-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle who most likely has tax exempt status, > > what tax preparation tips do you have for us work-a-day supplicants in > the throws of preparing our taxes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hyde Jurassets, D. Duct, N. Pray } Tax Consultants and Accounting } } Dear Sir, } As the USENET Oraclce is currently undergoing an IRS audit all } tax questions are being forwarded to us. } The oracle is in a unique tax situation as most of his income results } from payment in kind. Our position as his tax preparers is that many } of these payments are actually services to the individual supplicant } required for the enlightenment and training of same and that the Oracle } receives little or no fiscal value from such renumeration. The IRS, on } the other hand, insists, based on POLICY that taxes be paid based on } actual undiscounted retail. When none exists they arbitrarily assign } value based on "standard industry practice". } Several cases which illustrate the problems we are trying to overcome } during these proceedings follow. } } CASE1:payment- A duck that flies backwards while quacking } inna-gadda-davida. IRS value assigned- $2000 for performing } animal. } } Our contention was that the particular qualities required of the } duck were to train the supplicant of the folly of the late } sixties hippie generation. The actual value to the oracle as } itemized in his return was listed at $12.99 as the animal was } roasted upon receipt. } } CASE2:payment- A better mousetrap. } IRS value assigned- $150,000 based on similar improvements in } other appliances. } } We contend that the Oracle received no actual value from this } device as he has no problem with the particular rodent involved, } has no plans to market the device as the world already beats an } electronic path to his door, and has no other use for the device. } } CASE3:payment- Bill Clinton's little black book. } IRS value-$1,000,000 based on offer from The National Enquirer. } } This payment was for the supplicant's own good to keep his mind } on the campaign and out of his pants. Lisa burned the book on } receipt. } } Until the Oracle's tax affairs are straightened out, he can answer no } further tax questions. However, the services of our firm are available } at reasonable rates. We are licensed, bonded, and endorsed by the } USENET Oracle. } } Sincerely, } Hyde Jurassets, Sr. Partner. } } By the way, you owe the Oracle some cold hard cash. We'll bill you. --- 634-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Deer Orikle, > > You play thuh banjo, boy? > > Sinseerlie, > Rupert And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Deer Suppleecant Roopert, } } Your lack of polish notwithstanding, the great Oracle will condescend } to answer your question. } } The answer is: Yeah, boy, ah sure do. In fact, ah was originally from } Alabama, & came to Indiana by way of Louisiana. Took three years of } surgury to detach that dadblamed banjo from my knee. } } You owe the Oracle a buckwheat cake and a tear. --- 634-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, witness my most abject grovelling and shine your light > of wisdom on my questions dank with confusion... > > O Oracle, are Nabisco Cheese Nips actually preferred over Sunshine > Cheese-Its, as it says on the box? If so, how do they know? > > And, O Oracle, is the correct plural of "Cheese-It" "Cheese-Its" or > "Cheese-They"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Subjects force-fed both tended to projectile vomit the Cheese } Nips only 70% as far as when fed the competing brand; thus, the Cheese } Nips are deduced to be more popular. } } However, no-one has ever determined the plural of "Cheese-It", } since no-one has been willing to deal with more than one. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a copy of the NRC regulations on the } handling of radioactively orange fake cheese products. --- 634-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > wow this thing really works! Now to ask a real > question!! I'm a sysop that runs a board in Gra > Grass Valley CA, I'm trying to start a Net calle > d PhishNet. Can you give me some pointers on > starting a Net? Things what to do, things not > to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle's Top 10 Things NOT to Do When Starting a Net: } } 10. Advertise it as "unhackable!" } 9. Let everyone be a sysop. } 8. Make passwords optional. } 7. Run a mail program that routes questions and answers between callers } anonymously. } 6. Carry the alt.net.how-to-crash Newsgroup. } 5. Become partners with IBM and Sears. } 4. Run it under CP/M on an 8086. } 3. Free chat! } 2. Bring it up for only 8 hours a day. } 1. Give it a trite, over-used name with a pun, like "PhishNet." --- 634-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OMighty Oracle: > Why are academic snailmailing addresses getting longer when we can all > survive on a one-line email address? > > Typically now we have things like : > Associate Professor P. Retentious > William R. Hamilton Unit of Pedantry and Pedagoguery > Division of Splitters > School of Epistomological Sciences and Unnatural History > Obscurantist University of Smalltown MidWest > 1553 Abraham Lincoln Memorial Parkway NW > Building 123 #45 > Smalltown, State 12345-1234 > > Try getting that on an address label! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's nice to make people feel important when they're not. It's } a widely known fact that the size of a man's mailing address is } directly proportional to the size of a man's....... ego. } } You owe the Oracle a toothbrush. } } The Oracle } Associate Professor of Omniscience } Department of Soothsaying, Foretelling, and Premonating } Universe University } 214324 Main Street } Building #192 } Second Floor } Room 237B } Back Room } Behind the Water Cooler } Under the Desk } Who Cares, UT 92148 } United States } North America } Earth } Sol } Milky Way } Universe #39-B } Reality } oracle@cs.indiana.edu --- 634-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, WHO would never SELL OUT! > > Me and my brother were talkin' to each other 'bout what makes a man > a man. Was it brains or brawn or the month you were born. We just > couldn't understand. So me and my brother borrowed money from > mother, we knew what we had to do. We went downstairs to the > barber and gymnasium and got our arms tattooed. My dad beat me > because mine said mother but my mother naturally liked it and beat > my brother cause his tattoo was of a lady in the nude and my mother > thought that was extremely rude. > > What kind of tattoo does the Oracle have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A short one that says "DE PLANE!! DE PLANE!!" --- 634-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are things not always as they appear? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question betrays the usual Eurocentric, linearly logical, } patriarchal obsession with correlating appearance with reality. I } challenge the implicit assumption of your question: that things should } always appear as they are. Get in touch with your feminine self. Take } time to smell the roses instead of wondering why they don't always } smell as they appear. Accept the seeming illogic of a world in which } things aren't as they appear. There is more to life and truth than } logic. There are alternative logics. } } Think of me as your friend, not just your Oracle. I'm concerned } about you. Because I'm your friend, I'm going to tell you } something that people who don't care about you, wouldn't bother } to tell you. I think that you might benefit from psychotherapy. } You seem to have an excessive inability to tolerate ambiguity. } Your question betrays this inability, an inability which thwarts } your ability to completely enjoy and benefit from your relationships } with other people. If you disagree with me, fine. I hope that you } appreciate the care that motivates my friendly advice. I hope } that we are still friends. } } Your remark presupposes a visual frame of reference. After all, you } didn't ask why things are not always as they sound, or why things are } not always as they feel. I know that you didn't intend to offend } anyone, but your blithe use of a visual frame of reference is } insensitive to the ocularly challenged. By answering at greater } length, I might seem to legitimize your insensitivity. Therefore, I } reluctantly bring this response to a close. } } Peace.