From oracle-request Sun Mar 13 09:22:03 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA25565; Sun, 13 Mar 1994 09:22:03 -0500 Date: Sun, 13 Mar 1994 09:22:03 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #636 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 636 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #636 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 13 Mar 1994 09:22:03 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 636 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 631 67 votes 8ghh9 dii99 3noc5 cd7nc cmi78 5cpi7 0aoje 4bpha 2ait8 agie9 631 3.1 mean 3.0 2.7 2.9 3.1 2.7 3.1 3.6 3.3 3.5 2.9 --- 636-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who is the highest form of life known to mankind... > > Why has Strathclyde suddenly become the centre of the universe? I mean, > as far as I was concerned it was just an irritating little Scottish > town, but recently my computing has been disrupted by a failure at > Strathclyde, and my payment for some work I did a while back is coming > not from Macclesfield, which is where it should come from, but from > Strathclyde. > > What is it with Strathclyde? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Strathclyde. From the towering heights of Cnoc May to the } dangerous shores on the Firth of Lorne. I remember spending } many a day in my youth in Ardishaig. Those were the days. } } You obviously underestimate the power of Strathclyde. It is } not "just an irritating little Scottish town", it's an entire } region of Scotland. } } I suppose I could tell you a little bit about why it is the } center of the universe. You see, the universe was thrown } together with glue. Actually, when it was built, it was } certainly quite stable, but years of use forced it to start } coming apart at the seams. Now one of the things that tears } the very fabric of the universe is bagpipe music (or similar } sounding noises.) Only three cultures in the entire universe } have come up with an instrument to produce this wonderfully } rich sound, one of them being the Scottish. As a result, all } the of energies of the universe are concentrated in these three } "centers" in order to keep them together. While God could just } wipe out these cultures in an instant, we have a kind and } benevolent God who would not deprive the universe of such } wonderful harmony. } } Now, for some reason, most of the parts of Scotland that have } been torn lie in Strathclyde (we suspect it was a } manufacturer's defect), and some of the places in Strathclyde } where you will find these "rips" are Lochgilphead, the bottom } of the Kilbrannan Sound, on the banks of Loch Awe, and of } course the Mull of Kintyre. You may notice that many of these } "rips" are near water, and that is simple because when the } bagpipe was first invented, many Scottish people thought that } it was not man's place to have the music of the Gods. Thus, } they threw the bagpipes into the water. } } You owe the Oracle a kilt, some bagpipes, and a pint of Scotch } whiskey. And remember, if it's not Scottish, it's crap! --- 636-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's cooking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cooking is the art of taking unedible ingredients and processing } them in some manner to form edible products. Note that it is } impossible to 'cook' a stadium hot dog. Rather this falls under } the category of anti-cooking, the art of taking edible } ingredients and processing them in some manner to form unedible } products. See also, raisin-bran muffins. } } You owe the Oracle a plate of Cow Flambe' and a pear A La Mode --- 636-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > I am a very busy professor, full of grants to manage and meetings > to attend. My students complain that I don't spend time with them. > Worst of all, at this very moment I don't have a single post-doc to > take care of them? > What do I do? > Busy professor. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } Don't worry. This may seem like an insuperable dilemma, but in } fact I get this sort of question all the time. In fact, I } recently prepared a factsheet containing the possible options } available to you, which I include with this answer. Read and } enjoy. } } Factsheet #247: The Busy Professor Conundrum } -------------------------------------------- } [Introduction: The B-P Conundrum is the latest in the long line } of syllogic problems devised by the creative team based in a } secret location in Ohio. It borrows from both the Prisoner's } Dilemma and the Fermat Notation Series, using a set of four } 'variables' and substituting one of several possible } Schrodingetype solutions. A sample conundrum is given below.] } } 1: The Problem } -------------- } } The problem matrix is a simple 2D construct taking into account } the number of ponderables and the probability of solution } required. } } eg problem 1) Grants to manage } 2) Meetings to attend } 3) No time for students } 4) No available post-doctorate assistants } } Reduce this to a variable set, f, where: } } f=func [ grants, meetings, time, students, postdocs ] (^n) } } where n is the 'manana factor' (see Dirk and Hopcroft, 'Nah, } It'll Keep Till Tomorrow - A Study of Procrasts', J.Time.Mot. } 1987, 53, pp 436-472) } } The matrix is composed of these variables arranged in order of } priority, and offset against possible solutions of their first- } order integrals. (A full mathematical description is given in } the Dirk paper.) Examples of possible solutions are described } below. } } 2: The Solution } --------------- } } Solution 1: Bool(grants)=0 ; Bool(meets, time, studs, p-docs)=1 } } Stop managing the grants. In fact, mis-manage them. } Transfer all the finances to a personal bank account, preferably } in Switzerland. Abscond with the funds. Have a damn good holiday } at the students' expense. Come back refreshed. Laugh with the } other professors at how funny the whole operation was. Laugh and } laugh and laugh. Answer some questions put to you by a number of } nice policemen. Spend an amount of time in a small, grey cubicle, } weaving raffia. Grants will no longer be a concern. } } Solution 2: Bool(meets)=0 ; Bool(grants, time, studs, p-docs)=1 } } Stop attending meetings. Become a recluse. Change your } name to Walter by deed poll. Go the whole hog and cease having a } social life completely. Conceal yourself in the ventilation } ducting of the University, and only venture out, naked, filthy } and bearded, late in the evening to scare the jeepers out of } female undergrads. Steal food from the kitchens and weave it into } your hair. Start worshipping Znoid, God of the Elder Ones. Break } both legs in a tragic ritual ceremony accident. Meetings will } cease to trouble you. } } Solution 3: Bool(time)=0 ; Bool(grants, meets, studs, p-docs)=1 } } Stop time. A little tricky, this one, bearing in mind } the time machine is not to be invented for another four hundred } and seventy years. The only loophole to this is to travel to the } Arctic, and slip yourself into the crevice between two colliding } glaciers. Wait for cryogenesis. If you have selected two } particularly slomoving glaciers, this may take longer than 470 } years. In which case Kendal's mintcake whiles away the long hours } admirably. Awake in the year 2464. Convince future generations } that you are a notable scientist. Show them your most complex } theorems. Wait for the laughter to stop. Lay seige to a Time } Machine factory ; demand one thousand UniDol notes and unlimited } use of a time machine. Sit in the time machine, set controls for } 1994 and wait. } and wait. } and wait. } and wait. } and wait. } and w } } Solution 4:Bool(studs)=0 ; Bool(grants, meets, time, p-docs)=1 } } Kill your students. An all-out massacre may attract some } unwelcome suspicion, so plan their deaths carefully. Poison is } usually good for a couple of dozen. Pump benzene through the air } conditioning of the University bar. Don breathing apparatus and } search through the corpses for *your* students. Bound to be a few } in there. Repeat on following and subsequent evenings until the } toll has mounted to suitable level, or until the penny drops and } the bar is closed. Invite a few into your study, one at a time, } for informal tutorial sessions. When they're inside, blow them } apart with an Uzi. Place the weapon in the hands of the final } dead student, then run screaming from the building, shouting 'My } God! My God! He's gone mad in there and *killed all my } students*!!!' } Alternatively, torch the building and move to Miami. } } Solution 5:Bool(p-docs)=0 ; Bool(grants, meets, time, studs)=0 } } Elevate all your students to post-doctorate level. This } will result in a lot of bored post-docs hanging around the } building, ruiing the atmosphere, so drop a couple of the weediest } back down to undergraduates and get the postdocs to beat them up. } Create a fun 'Post Doc Happy Club', with badges and stickers. } Arrange tea-parties on alternate Sunday afternoons. Get } investigated by the local Education Authority who'll strike you } off the faculty. On walking back home from the University, } encounter one of the 'weedy' undegrads, juiced to his eyeballs on } rocket fuel, and get the sharp end of a Stanley knife in the } guts. Expire quietly. } } Solution 6:Bool(grants, meets, time, studs, p-docs)=0 } } Buy a diary, bozo. } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } } The Oracle is omnipotent. } The Oracle is eternal. } You owe a large comfortable armchair to all two-headed green beings } called Daisy. } Omnipotent creatures absorb light between 420 and 440 wave-numbers. } Only ephemerals with one head are called Daisy. } The green part of the visible spectrum is at about 430 wave-numbers. } You have five minutes to complete the problem. } } O. --- 636-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh might oracle so noble and wise, > Who never has need to exercise, > Who has power to crush nuts between your thighs, > Who shall live to see the world's demise, > Who is not unmov'ed by the world's sad cries, > Who I am told cooks the most unbelievable pies, > This question is asked by one as meek as the flies. > > What can be done about this telnet-addiction, > which afflicts so many men? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Telnet addiction is a very serious problem. I have trawled through my } Oracular databanks to discover a solution. First let us hear the } testimony of Dave (no relation), a hardened telnet addict. Due to } government reporting restrictions, Dave's comments will be typed by an } actor. } } "Yeah, I started out doing telnet say once or twice a month. Anonymous } mail, that sort of thing. I figured I could handle it. Next thing I } know, a friend brings some MUD addresses round. He offers me one. I } know it's against the regulations, but I figure it can't harm me. Not } just one MUD. } } "Anyway, I couldn't stick to just one. Before I knew it I was MUDding } every night. I had to do it at night to avoid security. } } "I had to start sleeping in the day to give me energy for late-night } MUDding sessions. My work began to suffer. To help me cure the problem } I turned to IRC. At first it covered up the symptoms. But soon it } became an even worse addiction. If I couldn't get into the hottub at } least twice a day, I'd be irritable and violent." } } Dave is just one of the many victims of telnet abuse. However, you can } help Dave and hundreds like him. The Oracle Telnet Abuse Relief Fund } has been set up to save these people. Just email oracle@cs.indiana.edu } with your credit card number, account number and pin number, and we'll } do the rest. } } Remember, telnet abuse ruins lives. } } This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the Oracle } Telnet Abuse Relief Fund. --- 636-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that my cat always tries to eat the > buttons off my shirt every time I pick him up? > He is well fed and has plenty of toys, yet he > will chomp on buttons and pull like mad. No > amount of scolding will stop him. What should > I do? > Cat-Nipped in Wisconsin And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a not-well-known fact that all cats are actually beings from } outer space here to take over the world. Fortunately for humans, cats } aren't that bright, and they think the rulers of the world are shiney } objects that can be batted around by their paws. } So, when your cat attacks a button, it is simply carrying out its duty } as a space being, and trying to kill the ruler of the world. } } I think it would be best if you killed the cat, just in case. One never } knows when they'll start understanding television and go after the true } rulers of the world, like Nancy Kerrigan. } } Picture... } } Newsperson: I'm here with Nancy Kerrigan, silver medalist at the } Olympic games. Nancy, how do you feel? } } N. Kerrigan: ...Get...this....damn....cat....off....me.... } } Cat: Mrowl! Meow! fsst! fsst! Purr! Mrowl! --- 636-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If God is all-powerful, can he create a stone so large that he cannot > lift it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a question often brought up by people arguing against the } existence of an omnipotent God. I tried it out once. } } Oracle: Hey, God, you can do anything, right? } God: This is true. } Oracle: Well, I bet you can't create an immovable stone. } God: Oh yeah? How much? } Oracle: Ten pints and a packet of peanuts. } God: You're on. } Oracle: That's pretty impressive. } God: You bet it is. } Oracle: How about a double-or-nothing bet? } God: Sure, why not? } Oracle: I bet you can't move it over there. } God: That's not fair! You're playing with semantics and petty logic. } Oracle: So? If you can move it, you owe me the ten pints and a packet } of peanuts. If you can't, then I still don't owe you anything. } God: Let me think about this one... Got it. You see, I can play games with logic and semantics too. } } You owe the Oracle twenty pints and two packets of peanuts. --- 636-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do women always have sex with me on the first date And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some people will do anything for money... } } You owe the Oracle a monthly AIDS test --- 636-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the weather like. It is overcast here. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The forecast calls for a 100% chance of air, intermixed clouds and sun } during the day, and darkness at night. The marine forecast predicts } plenty of water, as usual. --- 636-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose wisdom far exceeds the size of the observable universe: > > What will the Hubble telescope discover, now that the mirror is fixed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *It* won't discover anything - but the scientists will discover that } putting a 286 inside was probably a mistake. } } Stars not found - (A)bort, (R)e(en)try, (F)ail. --- 636-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Gabungmeister The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Is it just me, or is Bill Gates actually Satan whom is > coming from his fiery hell to drag all of humanity down with him, and > use our souls as he pleases for eternity? > > - A religous assasin > (who is waiting) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MICROSOFT-HELL MERGER ANNOUNCED } } William H. Gates III, Chairman of Microsoft Corporation,and Lucifer } Satan, chairman of Hell Ltd., have announced the merger of the two } companies. Satan will be given the title of "Vice President for } Corruption" at Microsoft. } } Wall Street looks favorably upon this merger as Microsoft's control of } the material world will now be supplemented by Hell's control over the } spiritual. } } "When we agree on methods and motivation, there is no need for us to } compete further", said Gates. } } "As an original investor in Microsoft, I have been delighted with its } progress and welcome the opportunity to work with its clients at a more } intimate level", said Satan. } } Philippe Kahn, President of Borland International, and Yahweh Elohim, } chairman of Heaven Associates, were not available for comment. } Speculation is rife that a merger between Word Perfect and the Angel } Moroni is to be formalized this week. } } PC Week, 3/12/94