From oracle-request Wed Mar 30 10:15:30 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA27844; Wed, 30 Mar 1994 10:15:30 -0500 Date: Wed, 30 Mar 1994 10:15:30 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #639 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 639 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #639 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 30 Mar 1994 10:15:30 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 639 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 634 64 votes 7dhj8 79ckg 7qn80 47jmc 9rfa3 6ghj6 6eqd5 38yf4 kebc7 dlk73 634 2.9 mean 3.1 3.5 2.5 3.5 2.5 3.0 3.0 3.1 2.6 2.5 --- 639-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: amg@panix.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o your wisdomness, provide a solution to my dilemma: > > what's the difference between a duck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Seeker, } This is a common question. } The difference between a duck is roughly equal to that of a pigeon, } only more so. The yellow-bellied sapsucker is another good example, } only not nearly. It's important to keep in mind when comparing a duck } that in mating and migration season it is the same. } Hope this helps-- } } The Oracle --- 639-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the matter with the car I'm driving? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle would like to point out that you are facing the wrong } direction, which should explain the difficulty you are having driving. } The Oracle is suprised that it took you this long to notice. --- 639-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, your brightness would blind any supplicant. Pray, shine > only a small beam of your awesome majesty upon me... > > When should I be worried that I'm drinking too much coffee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Too much coffee" is a vague term, so I'll quantify it. Rate yourself } and your relationship with coffee, using the standard Oracular 1-to-5 } scale (5 is least dangerous, 1 is most dangerous): } } 5: If I drink coffee at all, it's at the occasional social event. One } cup only. } } 4: I like the taste of coffee, and I've been known to patronize the } local gourmet coffee house. I even occasionally drink it for the } caffeine hit, but only if I have to wake up really early. } } 3: Can't start the morning without that first hot cup; my co-workers / } classmates avoid me until the caffeine kicks in. } } 2: I used to keep a coffee pot at all the computer labs at school, but } not anymore; I just bought a battery-operated coffee pot that fits in } my backpack. Juan Valdez named his oldest child after me. The last } time I paid my bill at the local gourmet coffee house, the owner told } Harvard to cancel the student loans, because he just came up with the } tuition money for all five kids. } } 1: I drink coffee through an IV. My only exercise is caffeine } jitters. The last time I tried to cut down, the bottom fell out of the } coffee-bean futures market. } } I hope that gives you a better idea of your coffee consumption. } } You owe the Oracle a coffee maker of his very own. Zeus always hogs } the community coffee pot...never puts any money in the coffee fund, } either. --- 639-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pardon m*, but th* * k*y on my t*rminal has brok*n, and I can't s**m > to fix it. Can you do som*thing to h*lp m*, pl*as*? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pull your thumb out of your asterisk. --- 639-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh Wise and Omniscient Oracle (bow and scrape), how does one > actually connect physically to the Omnipresent and Omnipotent > Internet? > > I don't mean through a modem to a company that offers the service, but > how could I connect my home computer directly to the Ever-present and > All-powerful Internet. > > Your most humble and obedient servant. > > HAL ;-{)} And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet is everywhere. It flows through us, connects us. It is } in all living things. You must feeeeel the Internet running through } you. Channel it, feel it, repect it. Then you may be ready to learn } how to connect with it. } } You owe the Oracle a few floating rocks, a small green puppet with } funny ears, and a hamster named Chewie... } } May the Internet be with you. --- 639-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > q > q And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ---------- } |q | } |q @+ } | | } ---------- } } ---------- } | q | } | q @ + } | | } ---------- } } ---------- } | q | } | q --@ + } | | } ---------- } } ---------- } |**q** | } |**q** @ + } |***** | } ---------- } } ---------- } | ( / | } |$ !? @ + } | = $ | } ---------- --- 639-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The other oracle isn't any good, just keeps telling me lies, so I'm > turning to you as a last resort. The Mafia keep following me around. > They hide behind trees and stare at me. Sometimes they look through > my windows at night when I'm asleep. And the FBI puts poison in my > peanutbutter, so I don't eat it. They all want me dead, but I've > fooled them, I use mirrors. What can I do to make them go away? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop posting MAKE.MONEY.FAST and maybe I'll reconsider my death } sentence. Better hurry... I've offered half of Bill Gates' net worth as } a bounty, and he's willing to pay it. Evidently someone at Microsoft } got the letter and it's been circulating rather heavily. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Dave Rhodes. --- 639-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! This dike keeps springing leaks and I'm running out of fingers! > Plus, the water's getting *really* high! What should I do?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dearest Wet Supplicant, } } Well, when the water covers up one of your fingers, it's safe to } remove that finger. It has something to do with water pressure--the } explanation would be too complicated for a mortal such as yourself. } Using this clever method, you should be able to reuse fingers when they } become obsolete, thus maximizing their leak-stopping potential. You } could also use the sides of your face and your feet to stop the flow of } water. } As far as the more general picture as to what you should do, I } say take a bath, you ungroveling snot. } } You owe the Oracle a junior swimming lifesaver award. --- 639-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I'll get right to the point. You're the greatest mind I ever > hope to encounter. I can only turn to you for wisdom. Please don't > fail me, as you're my only hope. > > Can MUD addicts be cured and brought back to real life by therapy on a > more life-like MUD? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracuco is pleased to announce the world's first non-recreational MUD } -- RealityMUD!!!! Want to live the lifestyle of the little people? } Or perhaps you want to wind up. RealityMUD is just what you are } looking for. Here is a sample session: } } INTERSTATE 5 } You are driving your Yugo down Interstate 5. Traffic seems to be } unusually light for this time of day. Your home is 15 miles away. } } The truck in front of you moves forward 110 feet before it stops again. } } >Drive forward 110 feet. } } Your home is now 14.998 miles away. } } >Pass truck. } } To do that, you will have to switch lanes. } } >Switch lanes. } } You wisely decide not to switch lanes when you see that you would } crash into a Lexus on the right and a highway barrier on the left. } } The truck in front of you moves forward 50 feet. } } >Move forward 50 feet. } } Too late! A Jaguar cuts you off. } } >Yell "Are there any babes out there that want to have MUD sex with } me?" } } Your shouting is overpowered by the drone of car engines. } } The Jaguar moves forward 50 feet before it stops again. } } >Drive forward 60 feet. } } Do you want to ram the Jaguar? } } >Yes. } } In a Yugo? You must be kidding! } } >No. } } You seem very negative today. } } >Stop car and get out. } } Do you really want to stop your car on the freeway? } } >Yes, I do. } } In a Yugo? You must be kidding! } } > Drive forward 50 feet. } } You are now 14.997 miles from home. } } You owe the Oracle a MUD Lexus. --- 639-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I asked my doctor about Richard Stallman, and he said, "Are you > annoyed that Stallman is vivid?" What should I do about my doctor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's good to see that your software company has finally decided } to seek expert help. It certainly is a tough slog competing against } a company that doesn't even charge for its products. } } But I'm left wondering, "Is a guy with a PhD in Computer Science } _really_ the best man for a mentor?" } } I guess there will always be the "Brains are best" mentality when it } comes to software development, but is that really the way to go? I } think that OS/2 has clearly shown us that your average punter doesn't } give a stuff about asynchronous multiprocessing, and object oriented } design, but just wants to know "Will I feel superior to all those } deluded Macintosh users if I buy this product?" } } Yes, my answer to you is "Marketing, marketing, marketing!" When you } guys finally get your "Wordstar for Programmers" onto the market, you } want to hear "Here, take my $2000, I just want a copy!" rather than } "Yes, I must say, I find this hypertext help system most intuitive!" } } As for your doctor, sack the geek. How is "Are you annoyed that } Stallman is vivid?" going to get you your first million, let alone your } second? What you want to be hearing from your mentor is "That guy is } dirt, you hear, DIRT! And I don't want to hear that kind of language } used in this office EVER again, understand? This product is going to be } _so_ successful that people are going to be saying 'Richard who?' Our } subliminal marketing campaign is in full swing as of today, and soon we } will grind that guy right back into the crud that he crawled out of. } Got it!" } } Of course, even if you take my advice, you are doomed to failure. You } think you are going to get anywhere in this world without a decent } grovel? Not likely matey! } } You owe the Oracle the movie rights to the accidental demolition of } your building next week.