From oracle-request Mon Apr 4 07:59:11 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA12765; Mon, 4 Apr 1994 07:59:11 -0500 Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 07:59:11 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #640 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 640 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #640 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 07:59:11 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 640 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 635 65 votes 4cog9 dqi80 9lma3 eph54 23grh 2apj9 5mhk1 1dgob 8fnd6 6om94 635 3.0 mean 3.2 2.3 2.6 2.4 3.8 3.4 2.8 3.5 2.9 2.7 --- 640-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! "Oracle" spelled backwards is "El Caro"! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And Moron spelled backwards is No Rom --- 640-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: amg@panix.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok chief. Here's my latest status report. > > The plan is progressing well. Ames's plan was > really a stroke of genius. Not only is the American > public convinced, but recent documents show that the > KGB has taken it hook, line, and sinker. > > The 'escape' plans have been finalized. Our contact > in Cuba has already 'planted' the seed, and the two of > them should be in Moscow within the week. Then it's > just a matter of sitting back and waiting for thier > reports to come in. > > Initial reports indicate he will be in early, and be > in deep. He will be the best damn mole we've ever had! > > I will await the final approval. > > Max. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Max: } } There is a change in status between our side and their side. Although } we have always kept our side in opposition with their side, now there } are other sides we need to consider. Because of this, our side and } their side are secretly joining sides so that our (combined) side can } work against the other side(s). } } I know this seems confusing to you, but think of it this way: Now that } their side is our side and our side works with their side, both sides } are the same side and the other side is whatever side is left. The } agents who were inside their side are now outside the other sides. } Besides, agents of their side who got inside the other sides are now on } our side. We've even got some leftists on the right side! } } As to Ames, he's on our side, but worked enough for their side so that } when he got inside our side their side thought he was still on their } side even though he was always on our side. Now that both sides are the } same side, we want the other side to think that he's always been on } their side (not the other side!) and that his escape to their side is a } problem for our side, when actually he's moving sideways, from one side } of our side to the other side of our side. } } Good work. Continue as planned. Cover your backside. } } Chief } } You owe the Oracle a two-sided Mobius strip made out of copper. Please } make sure that it is silver-plated on one side and gold-plated on the } other. --- 640-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: amg@panix.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who will be elected President of the United States in the 1996 > elections? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Can you believe supplicants these days? I must say, I have noticed a } significant lack of grovelling in the last few months. Perhaps I should } just Zot you! Yes, yes. } } Look! I hope all you disrespectfull, smarty pants, umm.. well just down } right RUDE supplicants are listening up because... Oh. OK, JUST THIS } ONCE, you understand, but this is the VERY LAST TIME. OK, OK, I'll } answer it, but the grovel better be good next time! Got it? } } I mean, there was a time when just to be compared to anything lesser } than one of the greater gods got you a zot. Like, "Hi Oracle, you're } the best!" Hey - Goodnight supplicant. But these days, hey, think } yourself lucky with a grovel like that. Huh! I mean, lately it's been } luxury to get even a hello, let alone a simple "Hi Orrie!" } } Now, where was that question again...... Oh, right, a 1996.president.US } query. } } Will you look at that! 1996 - only two years away. Like, "Hi Orrie (you } omniscient being you!) what did I have for breakfast?" or "What number } am I thinking of?" } } I mean, that really does it. That REALLY does it! First, that _SCUMBAG_ } supplicant has the hide to supply not even the hint of a grovel, and } then a question like this? I mean, well. } } What do you mean "Well, what's the answer?" } } Yes sure I know! } } Listen! No, just shut up. } } Who's ignorant?! } } RIGHT } } << ZOT! >> } } You owe the Oracle a cardboard box to keep your ashes in. One of those } ones that Garry Larson (tm) mugs come in will be fine, oh, and you may } as well throw in the mug too, because I don't think you'll have much } use for it. Oh, and I already have the one with the polar bears on it. } Yeah, thanks. --- 640-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do Redheads REALLY like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracles. --- 640-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh Wise and Omniscient Oracle (bow and scrape), Wise Oracle, > your brightness would blind any supplicant. Pray, shine only a small > beam of your awesome majesty upon me... > > I graduated Summa Cum Laude last May (1993) from a Big 10 University > with a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Science/Engineering/ > Wizardry/Information Systems. But now I can't get anyone to give me a > Computer Professional job. I've been sending out my resume and going to > interviews for more than a year now and still I have no job. Many of > these jobs I had interviews with just wanted someone with experience, > so where do I get experience if no one will hire me in the first place? > Its not because I look like a geek or a nerd (and I certainly am not a > geek or a nerd), I present a very professional appearance with a good > looking blue suit and a firm handshake (firm not gripping). I've read > and followed the advise of all the good books on landing a job, but > still to no avail, not even one little job offer. > > So please help me Great Oracle, you're my only hope, what should I do? > How can I get a job (as a Computer Professional)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just tell the interviewer, "I have all the passwords on your system. } I'd just love to be able to use some of them legally." } } You owe the Oracle your company's /etc/passwd file. --- 640-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would you do if I sent you a null question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 640-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > I'm a guy. And I guess you're a guy too. But, it's perfectly > natural for me to be having these feelings about you, right? I > mean, there's nothing wrong with it, is there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle isn't a guy, or even gal. The Oracle simply exists in } a gender-neutral state. Your feelings are completely natural } when viewed in the light of my heavenly glow. Who could NOT } be aroused by the grandure? Still, you could no more have } sex with me than you could have sex with the Grand Canyon. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower. --- 640-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of world fame, yea even unto those of us who are still > struggling to get some news software to work: > > The **** with it. I just can't be creatively funny. Not to-day, maybe > not again. A little background: I live in Johannesburg, South Africa. > Thirty-odd of my countrymen lost their lives a few days ago for no good > reason, and scores more were injured. By the grace of whatever deity > keeps an eye out for software engineers/systems administrators, I was > not in the wrong place at the wrong time - this time. My fellow > countrymen seem locked on a course of self-destruction, and I'm playing > the fiddle while Rome burns, so to speak. > > I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, I have a job, a modest house, and a > small car, all of which have simply put me in a higher debt bracket. I > do hope that the fact that this comes from a "co" and not an "ac" does > not mitigate against me, I do prefer eating and I'm not the academic > type. > > I know I'm not the only one in the world with problems, but I could > really use some of your famed creative humor about now. I'm sorry to be > such a wet blanket in my first suplication, but even my Monty-Python > collection isn't lightening the gloom. > > No reasonable job offer refused, my skills are still intact, even if > I'm currently suffering a complete sense-of-humor failure. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Friend, } } The Oracle cannot in good faith maintain its omnipotent persona in the } face of your plea. Instead you get a graduate student in } upstate New York who has also felt powerless and fearful and overcome } by the relentless stupidity of the powers that be and forces that are. } } I wish that I could make you laugh. As I read your supplication, } radio reports of the state of emergency that has been imposed there - } to maintain a safe voting environment!- bring tears to my eyes. } } I'm not sure what to tell you, but I do think that the smug sarcasm of } the Oracle would be counterproductive and trivial. Instead, I offer to } you what I have - a recipe for banana bread. } } You really don't need to know how to cook to do this - in fact, it's } better if you don't know, since you will feel even better when you } bake successfully if you do not usually bake. } } Ingredients: } } 3 ripe bananas, well mashed } 2 eggs, well beaten } 2 cups flour } 3/4 cup sugar } 1 teaspoon salt } 1 teaspoon baking soda } 1/2 cup chopped walnuts } } Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. (180 degrees Celsius; sorry I don't } know the other metric equivalents). Grease a loaf pan. Mix the bananas } and eggs together in a large bowl. Stir in the flour, sugar, salt, and } baking soda. Add the walnuts and stir to blend. Put the batter in the } pan and bake for 1 hour. Remove from pan to a rack to cool. } } I hope that you try this and find some satisfaction from it. If it } doesn't make you feel better, I suggest you re-query the Oracle: food } is an easier topic for comedic riffs than suffering. } } I have faith in your strength, and I am assured that your sense of } humor shall return to you. My thoughts are with you. } } (not-exactly-incarnated as Priscilla Finley, } ba07230@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu) --- 640-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Amourous Oracle, please answer your humble supplicant this most > unworthy of questions: > > Why do fools fall in love? > > Ta. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ta-ing Supplicant, } } Not an easy one, like why do birds sing so gay? Lovers await the break } of day? Why does the rain fall from up above? Why does your heart skip } a crazy beat, 'cause you know it will re-peat peat? Well, here goes. } } Fools fall in love because it's more socially acceptable than falling } in mudpuddles. Because they rush in where angels fear to tread. } Because their shoelaces are tied together. } } Because love is a losing game, when he don't feel the same. I know, } can't you see, cause that fool is me... } } What the Oracle wonders is who wrote the book of love. --- 640-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it bad to use a preposition to end a sentence with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because that's not what they are for!