From oracle-request Mon Apr 11 20:01:40 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA24255; Mon, 11 Apr 1994 20:01:40 -0500 Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 20:01:40 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #642 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 642 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #642 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 20:01:40 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 642 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 637 70 votes fgr84 b7sea aiik4 ghmb4 5dlkb ano94 9hne7 cifi7 5tei4 cnq45 637 2.8 mean 2.6 3.1 2.9 2.6 3.3 2.6 2.9 2.9 2.8 2.5 --- 642-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this some kind of joke? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, my friend, that's your reproductive organ. Or maybe it's an } artichoke. Hard to tell from this angle. } } You owe the oracle _The Complete Guide to Vegetables_ and an unsticky } copy of _Our Bodies, Ourselves_. --- 642-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most well-connected and labor-relations-savvy, heavily-hyphenated > Oracle, > > Every evening I leave the dirty dishes on the counter for the elves to > wash, and every morning I awaken to find the same dishes still there, > unwashed. What can I do to attract the dish elves? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best way to attract the dish elves is to leave hundred dollar bills } scattered all over the kitchen floor, and to leave the door unlocked. } By the way, as part of a new policy, the Oracle requires you to } register your name and address....Don't worry, it is considered very } confidential. Only the Oracle will see this information... --- 642-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: amg@panix.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There was an Indiana man, > Whose answers went fast as they can, > He couldn't get pizza, > Or relax with Lisa, > So how goes it with your new clan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There was several oracle supplicants, } Who used limericks instead of rants, } Rhyme meant more than reason, } So the results were unpleasin', } Thus they were zotted into France. --- 642-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I stopped doing that stuff years ago. } There's something about waking up in an } alley only wearing the top half of a } yak costume that makes one reconsider } one's lifestyle. --- 642-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the world ended, who would be the first to know? The Last? Who > would should survive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No grovel, hmm? } } Well, let's just see.... } } *a few minutes elapse, with a background accompaniment of puttering } sounds, a few hurried phone calls, and mumbled conversation from } which the words "Can you do me a big favor, Zeus" can barely be } made out.* } } Ahem. } } The Oracle is now prepared to answer your questions. } } 1. Who would know first? Congratulations. You are the first } mortal to know. Consider yourself honored. } } 2. Who would know last? Probably the cockroaches, seeing as how } they'll be around a lot longer. } } 3. Who would survive? See question #2. } } 4. Who should survive? Probably quite a few rather noble people. } It's really a shame you had to go and condemn them by arousing the } pique of a well-connected deific being. The Oracle doesn't imagine } that you'll be rather popular in the afterlife. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as jzimmerman@cmcvax.claremont.edu) } your best possible attempt to have a nice day. --- 642-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and potent Oracle, whose 100-in-1 chemistry set includes > directions for "mankind" and "all of creation," in addition to "dazzle > your friends by turning a blue liquid green," pray tell, > What will happen if I pour all this stuff together in one bowl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You get Brooklyn. That's how I did it the first time, anyways. --- 642-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most linguistic Oracle, could you answer this question: > > What language is @#%$ ?? > This word has been in a number of cartoons, and I'm just curious as > to it's language. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The word is actually "@#%$&" and represents man's primal hunger for } food, power (incarnated here as money), and sex. Part of the irony of } this pictogram that the all-knowing Oracle sees that @ only has one HP } left, and that there's an invisible stalker on the # square. Man, of } course, does not. --- 642-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise collector and distributor of all knowledge answer me > this one small question.... > Is there intelligent life on other planets (seeing as how there is none > here)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm . . . this will require some research. [Sound of file drawer } opening. Flip, flip, flip . . .] Ah, here it is: Incoming Questions, } Extraterrestrial. Let's have a look, shall we? (Translations provided } for the non-omniscient.) } } ------------------------------------------------- } #Qa1099E_mars } } Hlenthes seneras go hiela, hsontos kara fiendhe? } } (If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?) } ------------------------------------------------- } #Qa7845E_trantor } } Thestor on purvis andor fona trillium-widemos (crescan on hardin } rin a hintor)? } } Is there intelligent life on other planets (seeing as how there's } certainly none on this one)? } ------------------------------------------------- } #Qa5634E_vulcan } } Khlithta oet likhli oettchok tchok, hle-i oettchok hjoet tchok oetn? } } (Were a groundhog capable of displacing wood, what quantity of wood } would be so displaced, _per diem_?) } ------------------------------------------------- } #Qa7334E_klinzhai } } :wq } } (I am incapable of using vi properly -- what accounts for this?) } ------------------------------------------------- } #Qa2653E_pern } } Phraqa han qherthok gyukhath an i thoq? } } (What is the difference betwixt a duck?) } ------------------------------------------------- } #Qa8973E_dune } } Obwe, reolui fei wo ariila i Lisaa? } } (Like, can I get a date with Lisa?) } ------------------------------------------------- } } So, there you have it. By purely scientific methods, we have determined } that there is no intelligent life on other planets. } } You owe the Oracle a Hungarian-English phrasebook. --- 642-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nearly divine, and mostly correct, and always supremely powerful > Oracle: > > Did they really want me, or was it all just a cruel hoax? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wanted you? Great Ceasar's Ghost -- they *needed* you! Who else did } they have to polish the xebecs, or milk the kudus, or talk turkey to } the esnes? Who would light the lamps of the sky, stir the waters of the } sea, or perfume the zephyr wind? Who would tend the cooking-fires, plow } the fields, or tell tales of the old times, when mammoths still roamed } the plains? } } They gathered on the hilltop to await your arrival. The haunting } melodies of the Chants of Return, nearly forgotten in the course of } centuries, were intoned once more, more powerful than ever for their } long slumber. The appointed hour came, and the sky shone as in the old } prophecies, and the elders called your name thrice, in voices full of } the dignity of age, but with the ever-increasing heartiness of the joy } of home-coming. } } And you never showed, because you'd forgotten to set your watch } forward. I tell you, if I hadn't stopped by right then, those people } would have been in a sorry state. As it is, unfortunately, they won't } let me leave. } } You owe the Oracle a tin of xebec polish, and a rescue mission. --- 642-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most Usenet, > > How may I become usenet, too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, go unto John, who will baptize you in the River Usenet, } asking you, } } "Do you believe in the Net our God?" } (respond, "I do.") } } "Do you believe in the World-Wide Web?" } } "Do you believe that the Web became man, was contaminated, died, and } was buried, and rose in Version 3.0?" } } "Do you believe that the Web will come again, on the day of the } Information Superhighway?" } } "Do you believe in the Holy Seer, the Oracle, giver of life?" } } "Do you renounce the devil, Mephistopheles, Bill Gates, and all the } incarnations of Satan?" } } "Do you renounce his programs and temptations?" } } If you can faithfully answer yes to these questions, you will be given } Usenet, the gift of the Holy Seer. Prepare yourself, for the day of } the Highway is near!