From oracle-request Thu Apr 14 16:57:56 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00276; Thu, 14 Apr 1994 16:57:56 -0500 Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 16:57:56 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #643 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 643 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #643 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 16:57:56 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 643 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 638 100 votes loBf3 2orAb 7FAc4 fitpd dwti8 7Dvj4 grzh5 62flU hqgub 7dlsv 638 3.0 mean 2.5 3.3 2.6 3.0 2.8 2.7 2.7 4.2 2.9 3.6 --- 643-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > :q And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because vi is innately evil, that's why. All of the mysterious } disappearences you mention -- your English 101 paper, Chaucer's Book } of the Lion, the sheet music to Thespis, the Shopping List of the Gods } -- were the result of the depraved appetite of this most diabolical } of programs, which lurks in the bowels of unsuspecting computer } systems everywhere, salivating over every morsel of text that } comes its way, every poem, every essay, every question for the } Oracle, until finally it can be restrained no longer, and devours } some helpless document in a frenzy of flashing jaws and piercing } teeth, leaving only an unrecognizable character or two behind, } and stalking off again unsatisfied, as unfilled and ravenous as } before, for the appetite of this infernal code-creature can never } be satisfied by words alone. As the Bard put it, } } Truly, vi hath a lean and hungry look; } Give me an editor which is fat! } Such as emacs, for example . . . } } You owe the Oracle the Loeb Classics edition of Aristotle's _Comedia_ --- 643-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise help me! > > I'm a 2nd year CS student who has stumbled onto a international > conspiracy, I call it the Parakeet Brief. > > My problem is this, I'm currently trapped in the building, the > CIA, FBI and NSA have surrounded it and are searching it floor by > floor, It's only a matter of time before they find me. > > How can I escape the building? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do the words 'Beam me up Scotty' mean anything to you? --- 643-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you ask the question, I'll answer! } - ideal Oracle } } If you ask the question, you'll answer! } - somewhat less than ideal Oracle } } If I ask the question, you'll answer! } - somewhat misguided Oracle } } If I ask the question, I'll answer! } - self-centered Oracle } } If ask question, answer you I. } - dyslexic, functionally illiterate Oracle } } I knoweth all! Ask me any question! } - a true Oracle } } Hide, I'll answer for it! } - self-sacrificing Oracle } } If you ask my question, I'll answer! } - ineffective Oracle } } If I answer your question, you are the suppliant. } - Oracle who has trouble dealing with the obvious } } If a you aska the question, I gonna answer it. } - Oracle from New York } } If my answer is not funny, so what? If you complain, who cares? } - weak, uninspired, lackluster Oracle } } If I "askme", you'll get an answer. } - pragmatic Oracle } } Tell me. } - every Oracle incarnation to date. --- 643-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SECRET WOODCHUCK MAN > > Words and music by Phil Connors > Performed by Johnny Slivers > from the TV series "Secret Woodchuck Man" starring Patrick McMarmot > > There's a chuck who lives a life of danger > The nightmare of every forest ranger > Don't tell him that he's cute > If you do your life is moot > Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow > > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Give him all your lumber > 'Cause chuckin' is his game... > > Alone he waddles through the forest silence > Twenty pounds of wild rodentine violence > With cheek pouches made of steel > He's makin' you his next meal > And odds are you won't live to see tomorrow! > > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Give him all your lumber > 'Cause chuckin' is his game... > > Don't ask him where he's from or where he's goin' > Or how long will the winter winds be blowin' > Or the chuckin' that he could > Do if a woodchuck could chuck wood > 'Cause odds are you won't live to see tomorrow! > > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Give him all your lumber > 'Cause chuckin' is his game... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: an English country lane, flanked by rolling hills and very, } VERY low-lying hedges. Entering the field of vision on the viewer's } right, a Rolls Royce Phantom V idles effortlessly down the lane. From } view left, an Edsel, rusting out slightly and running on one, maybe two } cylinders. The cars converge, and the driver of the Edsel sticks out a } limb and flags down the Rolls' chauffeur. } } Characters: } } L. Supplicant: meets every stereotype. Foolish, haphazard, deprived } of sex. Easily confused, should not be allowed out alone. The thought } of him driving a car on the wrong side of the road is mind-numbingly } frightening. } } The Oracle: (hey! I'll cast whomever I damn well please!) What can } be said which would do adequate justice? The ultimate. God asks him } for advice. } } The Chauffeur: played by Sean Connery. Has seen (almost) as much as } his master. Beware if he delivers you a fish. } } Fade in to rustic bird-like sounds, subtle purring of the Rolls, } contrasted with the gawd-awful cacophony of the Edsel. } } Supplicant: "Hey, jerk! Move that boat off the road! Oh, and pardon } me, SIR, do you have a grey baton?" } } Chauffeur: "One moment please, _sir_. [Supplicant shivers; Chauf. } turns to O.] M'lord, this...gentleman has asked for the grey baton. } Shall I deliver it, or would you like to?" } } [A muffled reply emanates over the car's intercom system] } } Chauffeur: "Very well, m'lord. [returns to pleb] Yes, sir, would you } care to step out of your car for a moment?" } } Supp.: "Huh? Ok, whatever." [exits car. engine sputters noisily] } } [Chauf. exits car, walks several yards to its trunk, and removes an } innocuous silver-grey wand, about an inch in diameter, and maybe 10 } inches long.] } } Chauf.: "Is this what you need, sir?" } } Supp.: "No, hang on, that's not mustard, is it? No, wait! What are } you doing? [Chauf. is extending telescopic lengths from within the } baton] Hey! Put that down! I'll call the cops!!! HEY!!!" } } [Blurred frenzy of motion. Many loud, painful thunks and crashes arise } from the cloud. Dust settles. Supp. is lying in a bloody heap, devoid } of any humanoid form. Chauf. is retracting telescopic baton, carefully } wiping off any contaminants from its surface with a chamois. He } returns to the driver's seat.] } } Chauf.: "All taken care of, m'lord. He won't be asking any questions } about...THEM anymore." } } [Through the tinted rear window, we see Oracle's hand make a gesture so } as to say 'Carry on' to his driver. The car pulls away almost } silently, as the Edsel's engine succumbs to fate somewhat less gory } than its driver. With a cough and a backfire it stops, spewing noxious } waste onto a curious woodland creature not unlike a woodchuck which } happened to be foolish enough to enter itself into the situation. From } off-screen we hear a rumbling, fearsome roar of laughter, the revving } of an engine of "adequate power output", and the gradual return of the } serene aural qualities of the countryside.] --- 643-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and wise Oracle, good friend of "Bob" Dobbs, drinking buddy > of Cthulhu, and bridge partner of Athena: Please answer the humble > query that I, a lowly supplicant who is unworthy of trimming your > nose hairs, ask of you: > > What treatment programs are available for those poor souls who are > Hooked on Phonics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You asked for it, you got it: the Oracle's } 12-step do-it-yourself Usenet illiteracy program! } } 1. Abandon your spell checker. Delete it if you just } can't help yourself. If it wasn't serious enough } of an error to catch it the first time, it's not } serious enough to correct. } } 2. Start making the "common" mistakes, such as agreement } between pronouns and antecedents. Use sentences } such as "Someone left their umbrella here." } } 3. Begin ending sentences with prepostions, or begin } with conjunctions. When you feel comfortable with this, } try to do both in the same sentence. } } 4. Shift moods and tenses at will. } } 5. Shift number at will. Lose any comprehension of the } words "singular" and "plural" before continuing. } } 6. Now is the time to begin losing controll of your spelling. } Have fun and develop your personnel grammatic quirks. } } 7. All ways incorrectly use "your", "you're" and "yore". } } 8. Lose controll of your vowells , not in public please. } Also. now is a good time to begin taping fingers together } before atempting to type. bEGIN using 2 for two, R for } are, and etc. } } 9. Lose controll fo "it's" and "its. } } 10. Punctuate at random } } 11. Your allmost finished - just start stabing at the keybored } Proceded when you find the caps look key. } } 12. Y00 R NOW C0MPL3T3LEE 1LL1T3RIT!!!! 1TS S3W K00L!!!! } PAR-T33 ON D00DZ! } } U 0 M3 10 BUX!!!!!! --- 643-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Considering the contribution of Dick Clark's athletes foot on the Lime > Jello industry, please tell me how a bowel movement of a rabid chipmunk > lead to the S Stock Market crash of 1929 which in turn lead to the > Great Depression of the 19 30's. Please include references to the > inflatable rubber duckie industry and Hitler's effect on the Icelandic > roots of a rotten cheese sandwich. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, I can't tell you. I had this written down in my notebook, } but in 1929, while I was away answering a question about athelete's } foot, Benjamin Disraeli on route to a conference slipped up on surplus } to requirements lime jello, and hit his head. This lead to dementia, } and statements such as "Thank God for men like Hitler". Hearing this on } the radio, a disgusted Icelendic person threw a rotten cheese sandwich } out the window (saving his own life) whereupon it was eaten by a } squirrel. The squirrel then attempted to hide the remains of the } sandwich in the wheel compartment of a passenger airplane. During } flight, the freezing squirrel released a bowel movement, which due to } the rotten cheese sandwich was of such acidity that it ate a hole in } the plane. The plane depressurised, and crashed on an inflatable rubber } duckie factory. } } Unfortunately, due to a lack of computing power in 1929, the stock } market was evaluated by a huge room of accountants who only watched one } stock, the T.M.N. Appleton inflatable rubber duckie company. The } destruction of the factory cause the shares to plummet, and soon all } the great financial brains of the generation were spattered all over } pavements. This caused most financial districts to have a constant } 'pock' noise in the background as cranial cavities hit the footpaths. } Being annoyed by this noise, and not yet having my ZOT in commission, I } threw the notebook at them. } } And that, dear supplicant, is why I'm unable to tell you. } } You owe The Oracle a new notebook. --- 643-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omnipresent Oracle, whose knowledge exceeds even '42': > > Where do I get hot dog buns outside America? > > Hungry And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hot dog buns? Why would you want to eat hot dog buns outside America } when there is a world full of over-seasoned, non-nutritious, food of } suspect origin to choose from. Here are some other choices you may like } to consider: } } (1) England. Scampi and chips. Bite-sized pieces of fish from the } country that builds all its nuclear power stations at the seaside and } has an "Official Secrets Act" in law. } } (2) Japan. Gyu-don. Cheap food including beef from the country where } beef is more expensive than anywhere else. Yes, you get 0.2 grams of } beef in an unidentifiable brown sauce on top of, you guessed it, a } large bowl of rice. Japan gets extra points for junk-food tourists by } having a common dish called "taco" that turns out to be octopus. } } (3) Singapore. Satay. Yes, in this hot and humid island paradise you } can eat skewered freshly cooked pieces of meat in a peanut sauce from a } street vender with no fridge. } } (4) New Zealand. Hangi. Dig a hole in the ground, thow in a few hot } rocks, throw in the food, and bury it. Wouldn't be a bad idea, except } they dig the food up again and eat it. } } (5) France. No name here, as the number one food country specialises in } hundreds of different ways of serving a small cube of something in a } huge plate covered by a thin layer of sauce. Those who speak french can } pretend not to and be delighted by the way the waiter refers to them as } "stinking ignorant pig-dogs". } } (6) China. Manju. Yes, steamed buns with a surprise inside. And, unless } you can read the menu, it truly is a surprise. What are these? Duck's } feet? } } You owe the Oracle a 5 pound jar of Monosodium Glutamate and a health } insurance policy. --- 643-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: km4rb@aol.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mighty Oracle, > How do you feel about frogs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm touched, so often in this line of work people mearly use } you, Oh oracle tell me...Oh oracle I want to know. } They never take the time to ask how I am, and often they } even forget to offer me some praise or thanks, again I say } I'm touched, and thank you. *wipes tear from eye* } } How do I feel about frogs? I like them alot, especially } the marshmellow ones. } } You owe the Oracle three tonnes of Freddos --- 643-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: km4rb@aol.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In 1945 British Prime Minister Winston Churchill made a proposal > to Soviet leader Josef Stalin regarding the placement of troops > in Poland and the Balkan nations. Was this proposal in agreement > with the conditions involving wartime Britain and did it provide the > initial spark which ignited the Cold War. Please justify your answer > with historical documentation. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you should ask. I've got Winnie and Joe here with me. Let's } ask. Hey, uh, Churchy! Get your ancient behind over here, will ya? } [Churchill sits staidly and says nothing.] No wisdom to impart? } [Nothing.] } } *sigh* Let's try his buddy. Joe, quit stallin' and come talk with me. } [Stalin does not move.] Hello? Joe... Joe? YO! WAKE UP! } } I was afraid of that. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they're } dead. You'll have to submit your questions a bit earlier next time... } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid". --- 643-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, please tell me what the heck is wrong with me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see. Go run around the block twice. Now, write a poem. Now, think } carefully about your loved one. } } OK, Chromosome 14, Gene 2563, change the GC pairing to an AT. } Chromosome 66, Gene 1445, change the AT pairing to a TA. } Chromosome 12, Gene 0233, change the GC pairing to a CG. } } That should get rid of most of the remaining bugs. } } You owe The Oracle a bucketfull of reverse transcriptase, a set of } monogrammed beakers, and a flowchart stencil.