From oracle-request Sun Apr 17 22:18:59 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29256; Sun, 17 Apr 1994 22:18:59 -0500 Date: Sun, 17 Apr 1994 22:18:59 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #644 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 644 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #644 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 17 Apr 1994 22:18:59 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 644 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 639 75 votes ewl53 crs53 1cppc ggjcc anrb4 ehfdg alpg3 dvj93 2arkg ilp83 639 2.8 mean 2.3 2.5 3.5 2.8 2.7 3.0 2.7 2.4 3.5 2.4 --- 644-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who's shoes I am unworthy to slobber upon, please > dignify my question with a response. > > Why is it that when I go to lectures, I seem to have trouble staying > awake? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The effect of students going to sleep in lectures is well known, and } Billy Graham has recently been hired to investigate this problem. } } A COMPARISON } } ROCK CONCERT LECTURES } ------------ -------- } CLOTHES: Spandex Grey Suit } STARTING TIME: "When the spirit moves us man" 2pm } AUDIO/VISUAL: Lasers/Projection Screen OHPs } DRINK: Beer/Recreational Drugs Water } SOUND SYSTEM: 32 Channels 40,000 watts Lapel Mic } INTERMISSION: Drum Solo 5 minutes } ENCORES: Yes Only just before exams } SWEATING: Yes Only just before exams } RECORDING: Hidden Micro-DAT recorder in Pen and Paper } bootleg } HANDOUTS: Glossy Full-Colour Program Photocopies } EQUIPMENT: Synthesisers Slide Rule } DANCING: Yes Only when cancelled } } Your university has now sacked all of your professors, and your promise } to be more interesting from now own. } } You owe The Oracle a bootleg recording of "Advanced Calculus III" in a } 2CD package with fold-out artwork. --- 644-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise, Humble, and praise-worthy Oracle, would thou kindly answer my > question? > > Why is it that people tend to run in "cliques," often > chastizing, and humiliating those who "don't belong" in the "cool" > group? And why do the people in the "cool" group also seem to be the > most immoral? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are totally and utterly confused! Cool people are completely } sane, well-balanced and generally untroubled by fears, insecurities } and personal eccentricities that afflict everyone else. Cool people } are not afraid of dogs. They get along well with machines. They } never abuse power. They like themselves - all the time. They are } never bossy or aggressive. They don't nag. They know how to take } a joke. These people do nothing to excess. No, nothing. They have } no bad habits, no weakness, no little fetishes. They are always } methodical and logical. Reasonable, even. Yes, these are people } who open every piece of correspondence they receive immediately and } pay all accounts promptly. } } Isn't that incredible? Perfect, completely sane and rational human } beings. The rest of humanity is so uncool. The problem is that there } is precisely zero cool people in the entire world. No cool people on } the planet Earth! That's right. It seems just incredible, considering } The Renaissance, The Age of Reason, Sigmund Freud and executive toys! } Personally, I'm amazed there are so many. --- 644-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I was young I worked as a programmer at an add agency, and I > learned. Not that I am old I worked at DEC and learned nothing. > It's been 10 weeks since I've worked. > When will I get another consulting job ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is just part of my old adage: } } The young learn through working. The old work at DEC. } } What you really need is my quick course on DEC rehabilitation called: } } "Fired from DEC: Youth Serum of the 90's" } } Step One: } Don't work at DEC. This is a lot easier than it looks. It } looks so hard because all the other consultants think they } need to look like they're working. Remember: They're OLD and } You're leaving DEC. } } Step Two: } Throw out that VT-whatever that they gave you to take home so } you could work during sick leave. You aren't working for DEC } anymore. Besides, the old VT100 had a small resistor in it } that was designed to blow every 100 hours of operation to keep } the consultants busy. You think the new model is any } different? Remember: If you aren't working For DEC, you } aren't working With DEC. } } Step Three: } Burn all the old VAX/VMS manuals you have. The best way to do } this is to use the old DEC RSX-11 manuals as kindling. They } should be pretty dry by now, so they'll start with no problem. } DON'T do this at home. That would be dangerous. Better do it } at the office (well, your old office -- you don't WORK at DEC } anymore). Don't let the DEC employees deter you with idle } talk. Remember: You aren't working for DEC, so you don't have } to listen to DEC employees. } } Step Four: } You got to Step Four! You've got real potential! The } exercise you've been getting for the past week has you feeling } better already. Stacking DEC manuals is better than weight } training! Now, buy an SGI Workstation with the money DEC paid } you NOT to burn those manuals. (You better take the bribe in } Step Three.) These things don't really come with manuals of } their own. You can play their demo program until the hard } drive crashes. Remember: If it isn't made by DEC, it's not a } DEC product. OK! } } Step Five: } Go to work for SGI Tech support. You still won't be working, } but you'll learn a lot about WHY you aren't working. (Mainly } described by their motto and catch phrase, "We don't know why } it does that!") } } You owe the oracle a 3 ton truck for the latest release of VAX/VMS. --- 644-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm in the middle of a comp sci class ready to fall asleep. How can I > fall asleep and look like I'm awake? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Paint small blue circles with black dots on your eyelids. } } May I just comment here that your ability to stay awake is not your } fault. Don't these comp sci profs KNOW that the maximum awareness } period of a young computer nerd is 2 - 3 in the morning? What do they } do, have lectures at 10am in the morning, that's what. } } As per normal, it'll take until the next generation gets through before } comp sci classes have any reasonable correspondence to the computing } culture we live in. } } Here's a preview of what will happen in about 20 years time, when you } yourself, supplicant, will be a full professor. Academic dress will be } black jeans and a t-shirt. Flames in exam papers will be given full } credit. All exam rooms will have a direct line to the Oracle. Space } will be left on the front page of exam papers for huge .sigs. Happy } days, but what of the students? } } (scan to scene of very tired looking students. All of them are neatly } and conservatively dressed, with neatly combed hair and big } white-toothed smiles. They look like a 200 strong Osmand family). } } "What's this guy think he's doing? It's 2am in the morning." } "We should be praying. Aren't classes meant to start with prayer?" } "This guy is pre-SRC you know." } "What's that?" } "You know, when usenet used to have lots of newsgroups. Before the big } crash." } ALL: "The Big Crash!" AMEN! } "I see, so he used usenet before the big crash that deleted all of the } newsgroups except soc.religion.christianity." } "The poor man. We must save him." } "He may have even been reading alt.sex.bestiality." } "Shame on you! saying such a thing. I'll tell the priest on you!" } "I'm sorry, I slipped. It's 2am...... Please don't tell, I'll pray for } forgiveness." } } You owe The Oracle a crucifixion screen-saver. --- 644-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you send me any C-programs ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } /* Yes, sure */ } } int *sigfn(); } } main() } { int signalNum; } } printf( "This program deduces the meaning of life\n" ); } printf( "Please wait a moment\n" ); } } signal( 2, sigfn ); } signal( 3, sigfn ); } } sleep( 256745 ); } } } } sigfn() } { printf( "Oh no, you killed me just as I was going to\n"); } printf( "tell you the answer\n" ); } exit( 0 ); } } --- 644-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > me, baby... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "All right! Nothing doing honey!" } } [Ground rumbles] } } ZZZZZ } Z OOO } Z O O T -- *squip* *THUNK* } Z OOO } ZZZZZ } } [Stares blankly at glowing heap of energy on floor. Looks up again, } not in the least bit pleased] } "Okay, who's the bonehead who greased my Zot Gun?!" } Lisa poked her head around the corner. "Nobody, dearie. Remember how } you left it out in the rain last night? Eeew, what's THAT thing on } the carpet?"" } "Crap! The rain rusted it! You know how much this thing cost?!!!" } } You owe the Oracle a new Zotter. } } *Click* "Hello, room service? I was wondering if you had any anti- } matter dustpans? ..." --- 644-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you have to shower before getting into the gene pool? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Curiously, most shower after getting out. } } You owe the Oracle. --- 644-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O pious Oracle, whose historic answers are of mythic proportions, > please tell me: > > Do satyrs celebrate seder? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it's kind of hard to circumcise a butterfly. } } The Oracle requests that you check a dictionary for the tertiary } definition of "satyr" --- 644-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you send me any C-programms ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Deer Supplicant, } } Sure! Here's my favorite one. Remmember, if it doesn't work, be sure } to blame your commpiler. } } } } #include } } mane() } } prindf("Helllo, werld.\m) } } } } You owe the Oracle a speling and gramer checker, written in C. --- 644-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose name I cannot prononce without hearing sounds > of majestic horns over the mountains, of rivers full of pure > and clear water going down those mountains and visions of gold > and silver, please Oracle answer my question! > > After years of painful studies, polls and chips munching > in front of a RCA TV with the two dalmatians, me and my > faithful research team found something troubling. We cannot > sleep at night without horrible nightmares. I even look back > a couple of times when I go out. So please Oracle, answer > this insignificant mumbling : > > Are you David Letterman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Synaesthetic Supplicant: } } you asked for it... } } TOP 10 REASONS THE ORACLE IS NOT DAVE } ------------------------------------- } 10. Dave doesn't really stay up until 12:30. } 9. Potential risk of exposure to Madonna's undergarments too high. } 8. The Oracle doesn't have a mom. } 7. The Oracle Orchestra is led by a noneffeminate American. } 6. @indiana.edu, not @ge.com } 5. The Oracle doesn't own a gorilla suit or break merchandise for the } sake of breaking it. } 4. The Oracle was asked to host the Tonight show, but refused due to } disembodiment. } 3. When Cher slapped the Oracle, she got 'd. } 2. The Oracle moves info at the speed of sound without attracting the } attention of the Connecticut Highway Patrol. } 1. The Oracle is funny 99.7% of the time. } } Yours truly, } } Jay Leno