From oracle-request Tue Apr 19 13:01:50 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA18711; Tue, 19 Apr 1994 13:01:50 -0500 Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 13:01:50 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #645 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 645 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #645 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 13:01:50 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 645 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 640 92 votes ilpk8 59oou oDgc1 bkwl8 3hyrb dlydb 5Dvc5 6cjhC 5pwm8 8irqd 640 3.0 mean 2.8 3.7 2.2 2.9 3.3 2.9 2.7 3.8 3.0 3.2 --- 645-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O all-knowing Oracle, whose self-referential answers are like questions > unto themselves, please tell me: > > What question should I ask you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What do you think? --- 645-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WOODCHUCK MAN > a song by > They Might Be Supplicants > ---- ----- -- ----------- > > Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man > Doing the things a Woodchuck can > What's he like? It's not important > Woodchuck Man > > Is he calm? Or running amuck? > When he's in wood, does he chuck? > Or does the wood get him instead? > Nobody knows. > Woodchuck Man > > Oracle Man, Oracle Man > Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man > They have a fight, Oracle wins. > Oracle Man > > Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man > Really Annoying Supplicant Man > Usually asks about Woodchuck Man > Supplicant Man > > He's got a watch with a minute hand, > Millenium hand and an eon hand > When they meet it's a happy land > Powerful man, Supplicant Man > > Oracle Man, Oracle Man > Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man > They have a fight > Oracle wins > Oracle Man And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, you can't expect me to be impressed by johnny-come lately } songs. I was there at the beginning you know, look at these: } } >From: colonel.tom.parker@sun-records.com } >Subject: O wise one, please tell me } > } >Oracle, who dances better than any of my chickens. I've got this } >stunning new dance act, but the chickens keep breaking their backs } >with the gyrations. What should I do? } } >From: john.lennon@beatles.star-club.hamburg.de } >Subject: Kind Oracle, tell me } > } >Oracle. Pete Best says that you're a load of shite and we } >shouldn't listen to your advice. What shall we do? } } >From: david.gilmour@pink-floyd.com } >Subject: O magnificent Oracle, please tell me } > } >Most maginficent Oracle, please spare some of your amazing } >intelligence for this pathetic question. Our ^%$$%$ engineer put some } >of the tapes in backwards and they sound all garbled. Is this going to } >be a serious problem? } } >From: alex.patterson@orb.co.uk } >Subject: Floating and really acid Oracle, please tell me } > } >Fantastic Oracle, who can maintain interest longer than any of our } >mixes. Please excuse this wormlike mortal for questioning your words, } >but are you sure we should mix out the vocals? } } You owe The Oracle an orginal copy of Martha Hunt doing "Man, don't } give me no more grief" out on Star-Tone records, the issue with the "P" } in the catalogue number printed upside down. --- 645-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No I won't grovel! > > You just aren't worth it!! > > Day after day I ask you questions, often very well thought out > questions and 90% of the time all I get back is crap!!! > > *WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH . . . YOU?* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle knows all and sees all, as most are aware. It's a little } known fact that The Oracle also contracts all. Hence, I have anthrax, } AIDS, cough, cold, flu, measles, chickenpox, cancer, syphilis, } gonorrhea, the mumps, bronchitis, diarrhoea, kuru, gammy leg, polio, } and thousands of other inconvenient infections. } } And, so I must apologise for the quality of my answers. I haven't been } feeling very well lately. --- 645-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, O great Oracle, do sentence fragments bother me so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because ... --- 645-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you send me any C-programs ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I could, but I do not think you are C-worthy. } } You owe the Oracle a Dramamine. --- 645-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dewdrops on diskettes, > Corn fritter noodles, > Fresh toner cartridges, > Bi-sexual poodles! > > Blue hessian noteboards, > Tied up with string, > Tell me Oracle - > What are a few of your favorite things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Groveling supplicants humbly abasing, } Folks who hear Primus and dislike what they sing, } Leather on Lisa and whips with a sting, } These are a few of My favorite things! } } When the core dumps, } When you've got mumps, } And you're feeling bad, } Dear supplicant, think of your favorite things, } But frankly, I think -- } You're mad! } } You owe the Oracle a two-disc set of "The Sound of Music Man". --- 645-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > who are you And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you need to listen to the advertising jingle again. Cue the } music guys... } } (bom biddy bom bom bom biddy bom bom) } } Who's the guy, that answers every 'why', ORACLE! } Who's that being, that translates every dream, ORACLE! } When you pondering the secrets of the universe } The Oracle's the guy with whom you should converse } } (da ba doobah doobah) } } O is for Omnipotence } R is for Readiness } A is for Astounding } C is for Confounding } L is for Legendary } E is for Egalitary } } (parp parpitty paaaa) } } O .. R .. A .. C .. L .. E .. RAH RAH RAH } O .. R .. A .. C .. L .. E .. That spells ORACLE! } } (bom biddy bom bom bom biddy bom bom) } } Who's the ant, that pays a huge amount SUPPLICANT! } } ... Ooops! Hey you guys down there, I thought you had the new version } ready to roll. } } You owe The Oracle $234,900.33, all major credit cards accepted. --- 645-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you send me any C-programs ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } /* zen.c */ } } main() } { } } --- 645-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh smokey one on High... > Why does Bill keep in denial, and weep about the > nasty 1980's as money grubbers? > BTW, lend me a thousand for some cattle futures, Hillary is my trader. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In fields with Flowers, Bill could sleep, } Beside still Whitewater, Hillary did keep, } Money and futures her passion for the take, } For when Bill was at home, he could not stay awake. } } The eighties gave Bill an exciting life, } He could play, and romp not fearing his wife, } She, with the brains, a money grubber herself, } Dragged poor Bill along to power and wealth. } } Of course he can't see the err of his ways, } The past is obscured by an odd Purple Haze, } He now seems confused as each charge is detailed, } Difficult to believe that he never inhaled! --- 645-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, Master of all Knowledge. Please could you tell me why you > can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. > > There's a ten spot in it for you if you get it right. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This bit of oft-quoted and much paraphrased folk wisdom (e.g. "You can } expose a student to knowledge, but you can't make him think.") was } actually scientifically tested only once. Using a randomly chosen set } of horses and students (the control group), behavioral science } researchers at Purdue Univ. isolated them at a glacial pothole lake } outside Roadapple Indiana and issued the command "Drink!" over } loudspeakers at hourly intervals for two weeks. Overall, 52% of the } horses and 35% of the students did, in fact, obey the command; but the } percentages tended to drop off as the experiment progressed. } } As a point of interest, these same researchers tested the parallel } "expose/student/knowledge/think" theory with the same test set. After } an instrumented exposure of one semester to Business Math 105, the } passing rate for the students was 35%; whereas the horses, stomping out } the answers with their right foreleg, achieved a passing rate of 83%. } } The Oracle does not like the implication that IF the Oracle has the } right answer he will get ten bucks. The Oracle always has the right } answers!! You owe the Oracle ten bucks.