From oracle-request Mon May 16 11:57:55 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA19348; Mon, 16 May 1994 11:57:55 -0500 Date: Mon, 16 May 1994 11:57:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #649 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 649 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #649 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 16 May 1994 11:57:55 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 649 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 644 70 votes 6inf8 htk22 8hqe5 6etg5 8fnf9 cqh87 gdie9 dqi94 fol46 4dimd 644 2.8 mean 3.0 2.2 2.9 3.0 3.0 2.6 2.8 2.5 2.5 3.4 --- 649-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The ORACLE is the Oracliest of sages! > His wisdom doth fill a million billion trillion pages! > He provideth wit and insight to supplicants of all ages! > > His strength is far far greater than a hurricane that rages! > It cannot be measured; it exceedeth all the gauges! > It could not be purchased with a million years of wages! > > He could kick the asses of all the ancient mages! > Those who disagree should all be locked in cages! > All I ask of you is one more word that rhymes with "ages"... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Although rhyming hardly engages, } I'll answer your question in stages: } You know there are many, } and one's good as any, } but best is "bacteriophages." } } You owe the Oracle a cask of amontillado and two words that rhyme with } "orange." --- 649-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sweet my Oracle, > > There are some lovely cherry trees on the street that I live on, and > they are in bloom. Now they are not on anyone's particular property as > far as I can tell, but they are definitely not on my property either. > How do you think my chances are of sneaking out and trimming a few > low-hanging branches to decorate my kitchen with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's the best question I've ever heard. Take a bough. } } You owe the Oracle a blossom. --- 649-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > racle, I think yu can see what my prblem is. It means my bts fall ff, > my ballns wn't blw up, and ther difficulties, t. Is there sme slutin > I am verlking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pwwr supplicant, } } I'm swrry, I dwn't have any wf thwse to spare right nww either. Need } 'em fwr my name, ywu knww. } } I suggest that ywu replace the wffending vwwel with lwwse, rubbery } dwuble-u's, which ywu can pump up later when swmewne lwans you an } wzwne generator. (Swmetimes ywu can get the same effect by hwwking up } an iwnizer backwards). If ywu dwn't knww anyone whw wwns wne, call } AAA, who can swlve ywor prwblem with ease (or any wther letter). } } Ywu can't wwe the Wracle anything until this prwblem's swlved, sw I'll } get back tw ywu. --- 649-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does out university censor alt.binaries.erotica.male? Where can I > find uncensored postings?? Who will develop my pictures??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor desperate supplicant, you are in luck! Fortunately, there ARE } more complicated ways to get ahold of poor-quality quasi-erotica! } Here's what you do: Post queries to random addresses at the anon } poster in Finland. Eventually, you will reach one of the legion of 14 } year old boys who REALLY run the Infobahn. If you agree to go to } airports and watch travelers poke their phone card numbers into the } payphones, these kids can beam binary code directly to your TV } antenna. With a translator, a transformer, and a black box, you should } be able to convert rough outlines to a format that can be faxed } directly to your computer! Once the code is on your hard drive, baby, } it's time. Simply de-uuencode the images, unbinhex them as needed, } decrypt the black bars over the models' eyes, and get ready to type } with a pencil in your mouth!~ Hubba hubba! Warm up the giffer and get } ready to tweak. } } You owe the Oracle a damn magazine. --- 649-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Whose Knowledge Far Supersede Everything Else, > Can you tell me what REALLY happened in the last episode of Twin Peaks? > Will we ever see Agent Cooper at his best again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the last episode of Twin Peaks, the audience discovered several key } facts, which should have been disclosed at the beginning of the series } so as to make the programme even vaguely watchable: } 1) Dale Cooper was revealed as nothing more than an anagram of Replace } Odo - a subliminal message telling the audience to transfer their } attentions to the far superior series Deep Space 9. } 2) Cherry Pie turns out to be the real star of the show when it is } nominatated for an Emmy. } 3) Laura Palmer's father was the devil, who sexually abused her, dumped } her body, walked backwards and then made a guest appearance on Oprah } to talk about aforementioned traumas with Roseanne Arnold who } underwent similar experiences as she describes in her biography. } The Oracle is available for children's parties. --- 649-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Patient One. Giver of inspiration and life. Please bestow > upon this lowly supplicant, a portion of your infinite wisdom.... > > Is the term "rubber cement" a contradiction in terms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not if you know how it was invented.... } } To explain this, we have to go back to the 1930s. In New York City, in } the Flushing district, was the headquarters and factory of the Acme } Joke and Novelty Co. Acme specialized in the sort of cheap novelty } items you see advertised in comic books: X-ray specs, fake dog poop, } red-hot chewing gum, disappearing ink, exploding chasity belts } (discontinued after a lawsuit), gag non-flammable gasoline, joke phoney } dead fish (smells real!), you name it. } } Anyway, it so happens that Sol Wasserman, Acme's president, was the } cousin of Yitzak Finklestien, who was a major NY building contractor at } the time. Wasserman, as you might imagine, loved practical jokes. One } day in August 1937 he was experimenting in Acme's lab, and he came up } with a sticky, thick, grey substance, which looked to him like freshl } mixed cement. Wasting no time, he contacted Murray Abramson, who } supplied cement to Finklestien's contracting company, and arranged for } a shipment of the gag "rubber" cement to be sent in place of the real } stuff. Finklestien was fixing a sidewalk in Flatbush (Brooklyn), and } was confused at first when the cement refused to set properly. A good } laugh was had by all when Finklestien, checking the "cement", lost his } balance and fell in, where the sticky, rubbery gag cement kept him } stuck for three days. [Finklestien is said to have retaliated by using } *real* cement to "attach" Wasserman to the front of a local bar for a } few days, but that's another story]. Wasserman thought he had a hit, } and began marketing the "rubber cement" in toy stores and magic shops } in New York, but sales never took off. Upset one day over low sales, } Wasserman smashed a bottle of the stuff on his desk. His mood changed } when he noticed how well the "cement" held things together on his desk. } In a stroke of marketing genius, he took his existing stock of "rubber } cement" and sold it to office supply stores. He considered changing } the name but the stuff was already bottled and labelled, so [PUN } ALERT!] he stuck with it. Needless to say, the "rubber cement" was } very popular, and Wasserman retired a wealthy man. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of those fake plastic ice-cubes with bugs in } them, and an explanation of the term "light heavyweight" --- 649-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is the which? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dorthy and Toto killed her with the house. --- 649-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much is that doggy in the window? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends on which cut you want: } } CUT PRICE PER POUND (US$) } Rump ........... 7.90 } Ribs ........... 6.50 } Flank ......... 11.75 } Sides ......... 12.80 } Quarter ....... 15.25 } Loin .......... 14.80 } Round ......... 11.40 } Boxed ......... 18.50 } Chuck ......... available only to people named Lisa --- 649-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did Samsung buy Commodore? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [sigh] } The events of the last week and a half are complicated. Sit down } and listen up: } } Samsung bought Commodore. I bought Samsung. Sony bought me. I got a } stock option on myself, and leveraged a buyout when I hit +8.5; I had } enough capital left over to buy a minor interest in Sony. Sony hit me } with a trade infringement lawsuit over control of the Columbia Record } Club, and I countersued for defamation of character. } } We settled out of court; Sony kept everything with the name Columbia } and I took Samsung, but not Commodore. Bertlesmann AG interested me in } a share-split on a Sony buyout, and we invaded New York, Munich and } Tokyo with our agents to purchase or swap every share we could. By the } afternoon of the same day, Sony had sent ninjas in to take out our } buyers, and the going got rough fast. At 12:35 EDT, we launched a } counteoffensive by macing the floor of the New York Stock Exchange; in } the ensuing panic, hundreds of our trained experts were on their hands } and knees, wearing gas masks and picking up buy tickets for use in } purchasing Sony. We lost a dozen men that day, all good and faithful } to the last. } } At 3:15 EDT, Bertlesmann wanted to pull out, saying that things were } going wrong. I made them stick to their guns, and in twelve minutes we } had 23% of Sony. The next three minutes, we lost two million shares } when one of our agents went renegade. I had him put down, but we had a } controlling interest in Sony anyway. } } Two days later, at the board meeting we convinced Sony to divest } themselves of Commodore, which they did in exchange for 48% of Samsung. } } Commodore promptly went belly-up from lack of capital. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed photo of Ivan Boesky. --- 649-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who knows more about food than even John > Candy did, please tell me: > > Pizza is getting dull. Everybody is tired of pepperoni, > sausage, mushrooms, olives, etc.. I want to become rich > by introducing a new pizza topping that will sweep the > world by virtue of an irresistible taste. I want my wallet > to runneth over. What new topping would you suggest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the computer-geek world, try chopped-floppy. If you want to } attract the physics crowd, claim that neutrinos are topping every } pizza. For the math interested individuals, just state how the topping } of their choice will be laid across the pizza using a Fourier series. } Finally, for just the plain average crowd (where most of the money is) } try spotted owl. } } You owe the Oracle two large, in 30 IP packets or less.