From oracle-request Fri May 20 08:02:01 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA10981; Fri, 20 May 1994 08:02:01 -0500 Date: Fri, 20 May 1994 08:02:01 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #650 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 650 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #650 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 20 May 1994 08:02:01 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 650 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 645 82 votes nzd74 gksf3 6qml7 gku97 akmka 3hmz5 8soh5 ejrd9 9psg4 5dwp7 645 2.8 mean 2.2 2.6 3.0 2.6 3.0 3.3 2.8 2.8 2.8 3.2 --- 650-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, Great Oracle, who ne'er tells a lie, > Why, oh, why, is my tie in my fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A combination of bad manners and bad posture. Now next time try to } behave yourself if you must read those alt.sex newsgroups! } } You owe the Oracle - ugh, nevermind, just go wash your hands. --- 650-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most knowledgable Oracle whose germs I'm not worthy to be infected by, > > Where are my car keys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your car keys are, at once, both everywhere and nowhere. } Unfortunately, by failing to continuously observe your car } keys, you have allowed their quantum wave function to once } again enter a state of indeterminate fluctuation. Your car } keys currently exist (or don't exist) in a quantum state, } and only by observing your car keys can you cause their wave } function to collapse to a state of existence. } } Yet, you must realize, that by looking for them already, you } may have inadvertantly caused the keys' wave function to } collapse to a state of non-existence. The keys, then, will } stay in this state of non-existence so long as you are } thinking of the keys and not finding them (i.e. continuously } observing their non-existence). To effectively find your } keys, therefore, you must stop thinking about them and stop } looking for them. Only when this happens will your keys } resume their quantum mechanical fluctuations. If then you } search for your keys and do not find them, then you } must forget about them again and repeat the process until } you find them. } } A very quick way to undertake this (rather than running } everywhere trying to find your keys) is simply to put a box } in the middle of your room. When you forget about your } keys, look in the box. It is equally probable that your } keys will pop into existence there as anywhere else. One } drawback, however, it that the box will occasionally contain } a cat (live or dead). } } I am uncertain as to what you owe the Oracle . . . either a } vial of poison or a radioactive source. --- 650-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have taken on a new job with greater responsibilties paying me large > sums of money. Will I find fullfillment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, 37% of the time, you'll be 18% happier than you were in the best } 14% of the time at your old job. But 22% of the time, you'll be 13% } unhappier than you were in the worst 5% of the time at your old job. } Your blood pressure will increase by 15% (actually 17% systolic and } 13% diastolic), but your cholesterol level will go down 18%, and your } vision will improve from 20/80 to 20/60. The added stress of your new } job will cause your hair to turn completely gray by the time you are } 47, but gray hair will look good on you. You won't get to spend as } much time with your children, but your daughter is going to have a } child out of wedlock either way. } } I hope this clears things up for you. --- 650-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dead Ant, > Dead Ant, > Dead Ant Dead Ant Dead Annnnnt, > Dead Ant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is the Pink Panther theme as mocked by various science } fiction-SCA-Computer types listening to too much Tom Lehrer? --- 650-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A challenge I hear the allmighty Oracle boom with glee...... > I am trying to uncover whether the following person has an E_mail > address: > > Sue Savage-Rumbaugh,(or Sue Rumbaugh) > Yerks Regional Primate Research Center > Emory University > Atlanta, Georgia 30322. > > I do not know whether this person still resides at this location.. > However the mighty Oracle I'm sure, WILL FIND A WAY! <:-|)>> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Completely unlike its mortal supplicants the oracle of course } does not have to search for unknown email adresses by } telnetting bruno.cs.colorado.edu and using 'netfind' as login. } (Hey captain, what's this big red display that shows a full tilt 100? } Mhmmm, that's the read out of the clue-o-meter we installed } yesterday...) } } Sue herself is not at the primate research center anymore. The } experiments were cancelled in 1992 when Emory could not afford any more } bananas. Together with all the other primates Sue was brought back into } the Amazone rain forest and released. The scientists did tie a radio } transmitter to her back to track her migrations but this transmitter } does not have an internet adress. (The oracle suggests that you should } start tieing transmitters to the backs of your remaining friends to } keep the oracle from having to answer this kind of questions). } } You owe the oracle a copy of 'Gorillas in the mist' a Banana and the } email adress of Cindy Crawford. --- 650-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, > I've begun to lose all my hair. > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Store your hair in a bag as it falls out. That way, when people say } that you're losing your hair, you can take some out and show them. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a more realistic hairpiece than the one he is } currently using. --- 650-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, that aced the GRE the first time it was offered... > > I have been studying day and night for that dreaded exam. You know the > type, pass and you're a Nobel candidate; fail and you're a lowlife scum > that has significant trouble drooling... The part I'm stumbling on is > the "analogy" section. The instructions tell me that the way to > interpret a:b::c:d is "a is to b as c is to d". But I'm still stuck, > and the test is tomorrow! Can you please help me choose the right > answer, and explain the reasoning behind it? > > 1) gerbilation:earlobes::aristocracy:____________ > a) stapler b) canteloupe > c) velveeta d) combustion > > 2) contrapositive:muffler::"Song of the South":______________ > a) "60 Minutes" b) "Cheers" > c) "Midnight Blue" d) "NYPD Blue" > > 3) semaphore:"The White Man's Burden"::"Manifest Destiny":__________ > a) armegeddon b) diptheria > c) AUTOEXEC.BAT d) pampers And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um, no problem, man. } } > 1) gerbilation:earlobes::aristocracy:____________ } > a) stapler b) canteloupe } > c) velveeta d) combustion } } Well, here we have a case where the answer is clear. "Gerbilation", of } course, means the process of creating gerbils, which have no earlobes. } Since aristocracy always has staplers, combustion and even canteloupes, } they can no way ever have Velveeta, which is outlawed for sale as a } food product outside the US, but allowed as an alternate to spackle in } Europe. } } > 2) contrapositive:muffler::"Song of the South":______________ } > a) "60 Minutes" b) "Cheers" } > c) "Midnight Blue" d) "NYPD Blue" } } Since "contra" comes from Latin for oposite or below - like contra-band } (literally, "below the band") - ans positive is self-explanatory, the } natural association is Midnight Blue, which recently came in _below_ } the other three programs in Nielson ratings. } } > 3) semaphore:"The White Man's Burden"::"Manifest Destiny":__________ } > a) armegeddon b) diptheria } > c) AUTOEXEC.BAT d) pampers } } Since sema (meaning "partial") and phore (Latin for "fore", or the cry } one makes two milliseconds before one's golf ball is about to crush } another golfers skull, this clearly alludes to the fact that golf is a } white man's game. Hence, the only possible answer to Manifest Destiny } is clearly AUTOEXEC.BAT } } Thank you. --- 650-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend is not pregnant, but I spent all my week-end waiting for > her "period": how can I have this week-end back ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Somehow the Supplicant is instantly transported through } space and time to Friday evening. Right outside the door } of his girlfriends dorm room] } } He knocks and the door is opened by a pretty but somewhat thin } young woman with a worried expression. } } Suppl: Hi Becky, ready for the concert? God, I love Pink Floyd. I need } to relax tonight cause I have to work on my term paper all day } tomarrow and Sunday or I'm gonna flunk big time. } } Becky: I'm late. } } S: What do you mean? It's over an hour till they open the doors. } } B: No, I mean my period was supposed to start Tuesday. I called } the Doctor this afternoon. I'm going in on Monday. } } S: Oh shit...Oh no. I...I... } } [Supplicant begins to wander around campus in a daze. His mind is } numb with worry and fear. Every ten minutes he stops to phone } Becky to find out if her period has started. By Saturday night he } has managed somehow to have lost his wallet, get beaten and raped by } five frat boys who mistook him for a homeless homosexual. By Sunday } morning his calls to Becky have become more frequent. By evening she } has told him to get lost and has sworn that she'll deal with } everything herself.] } } [Sunday 10:00pm. The supplicant returns to his room to find the } answering machine flashing. He presses the button.] } } Answering Mach: BEEP...hey Bob, this Mike from your thermo class. } I told you you should have come to class today, } Professor Charles is giving us a test on chapters } 7 and 8 Monday. Give me a call when you get back } from the concert...BEEP...Bobby, this is your Mother. } It's Saturday morning. If you need your student loan } for next semester you need to get that application } to the bank before they close at noon today. Come } see us. And call your grandmother sometime...BEEP... } (Becky's Voice) You can stop sweating, asshole, I'm } not pregnant. Oh and you can come get your red shirt } and your CD today or they go in the trash...BEEP... } } Suppl:(mumbling) Thank God gbfgm not pregnant hgum .Worst weekend of my } life mbmbg...shit } paperdue...mumubh..test...wallet..mghhfgh..bitch.. } mojjm...loan.... } } [Supplicant continues to mumble. He is almost in tears as he sits down } at his computer and begins to type............ } } > My girlfriend is not pregnant, but I spent all my week-end waiting } > for her "period": how can I have this week-end back ? } } [Somehow the supplicant is instantly transported through } space and time to Friday evening. Right outside...... --- 650-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Oh Oracle, > Spare a moment of your time; > Rid me of this quest for answers > To this ponderer of mine: > > If I am my mother's brother, and cousin to my uncle's sister, what > relation does that make Bruce Banner to The Incredible Hulk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your own cross-temporally inbred family notwithstanding, the truth } remains that Bruce and the Hulk are still the same person. They've } made a lot of attempts to hide this, by calling each other their } "first cousin zero times removed" or "uncle's sister's first husband's } son." } } Unfortunately, no matter how obfuscated they make their relationship, } Bruce _still_ can not claim the Hulk as a dependant. This was decided } by the same court that ruled that super heroes who were killed and } then brought back to life had to pay taxes for the period they spent } dead. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Spiderman's 1992 1040 EZ. --- 650-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise and well read, please answer me this... > > Since a cat always lands on its feet, and a piece of buttered toast > always lands buttered side down, if you strap a piece of buttered toast > to the back of a cat (buttered side up), which side will it land on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant most wise-cracker: } Never fool with Murphy, for He supersedes Nature, even in Her Infinite } Wisdom. } } Verily, the strap shall break on the way down. And the piece of toast } shall proceed to fall faster than the cat (DON'T give me that jive } about Gallileo, this is higher stuff!) and shall indeed land on the } expensive carpet buttered side down. The cat will fall on its feet, } directly on the piece of toast, thus grinding it well into the fabric } of the carpet (which you could've sworn you remembered to roll away } before the experiment!). } } In your desparate attempts to clean up the $2,000 rug, the vacuum will } suddenly reverse action and spew out all of the dirt which has } accumulated in it over the last few months (and just yesterday you were } going to replace the bag, dammit!). So you call up the salesman, only } to discover that the warranty has expired yesterday. You try to fix it } yourself, and of course the moment you have taken the fine machinery } apart is when the screwdriver drops out of your hand onto your big toe. } You jump and cry out in agony, scattering the tiny screws and nuts } into the least-accessible corners of the workshop, except for the } largest one which is eaten by the cat. The spare screwdriver was lent } to your neighbour last week, and he has just left for a month's } vacation in the Bahamas. } } Ergo: Ask not which side things land on: this side or that side, Nature } and Murphy are never on *your* side. } } You owe the Oracle $2.50 for the toast, $75 for the vet, $100 for } medical expenses (wounded toe), $200 for the carpet cleaners, and $200 } for a new vacuum cleaner. You owe Murphy an apology. You owe Nature } your existence.