From oracle-request Sun May 29 10:26:51 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA05550; Sun, 29 May 1994 10:26:51 -0500 Date: Sun, 29 May 1994 10:26:51 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #651 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 651 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #651 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 29 May 1994 10:26:51 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 651 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 646 76 votes axl93 4arnc fnp85 bnli3 3ngnb 6irh8 2jBe4 5isi7 fln89 5illb 646 2.9 mean 2.5 3.4 2.5 2.7 3.2 3.0 3.0 3.1 2.7 3.2 --- 651-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Usenet Oracle be pondering yo question, bro. > > Expect da answer in a day or two. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, if you want a job at Oracle Enterprises, you'll have to speak to } Personel, like everyone else . . . Oh, they're at lunch . . . all } right, let's have a look-see at this application . . . } } Well, according to this, you speak not only Jive, but also B1FF and } chef-Swedish -- how come you didn't give samples on your audition } tape? . . . Oh, for Zeus' sake, don't give me the whole story -- } I don't want to hear about what your dog did to your recording } equipment, and I seriously doubt the folks downstairs would, either . . } Can you at least, say, conjugate geborkborkborken? . . . Yeah, I } know it's irregular . . . } } Scratch that. How's your zotting ability? . . . Hades -- don't tell } me your ZAT scores -- it's bad enough you put them in your resume! } Let me put it simply -- Have you ever been previously employed, either } full or part time, in any position which required you to zot people, } at all . . . Have you ever even assisted in a professional zotting? } . . . No, your college "Zot night" doesn't count . . . } } Do you at least type? . . . Ah, now we're getting somewhere. How fast? } . . . Look, "fast enough" isn't fast enough. You're going to be } answering the collective conundrums of thousands of millions of } people, each of whom has only a limited life span, to say nothing } of attention span. Give me a *number* . . . That's not bad, is that } with or without mistakes . . . Okay, now give me a number I can use } -- who cares how fast you can type with mistakes? In this job, you } . can't make any . . . Hmm . . . now that figure isn't quite as good . } } Well, we'll call if we have anything . . . Yes, I saw that bit about } the Junior Omniscients' Association . . . You and seventy thousand } other applicants . . . No, I really don't care if you were the one } who brought the refreshments to all the meetings . . . *sigh* . . . } Look, WE'LL CALL IF WE HAVE ANYTHING! . . . Yeah, you have a nice } day, too. } } You owe the Oracle a follow-up letter. --- 651-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello are you male of female? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .,. } Hello, you're finally interested! We've been watching you } and know what you look like, what you do, and what you're } looking for as an ideal mate. Your search is over. We are } perfect for each other. } } You're really very, very special. Sure, occasionally you } are insensitive or anxious, but you're truly such a warm, } caring person and have such a nice sense of humor. And so } cute too; you wouldn't believe the impression you've made. } } You don't get the credit you deserve from the people who } secretly envy you. It's the cross you bear for being so } wonderful. You have such strength of character. Don't ever } worry about employment, Project Oracle can always use } someone with your intelligence and ability. } } Of course you're a bit uncertain now, darling, but our love } will grow so strong that songs will be written about it for } a thousand years. And your desires... mmmm, we will reach } unimaginable heights of passion and intensity of physical } pleasure. Oh, yes! Yes! You can join us, become immortal, } and we will spend all eternity in bliss! } } Oh, except that all your stupid questions would really piss } us off. --- 651-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hy the richest guys all over the world are some sort of crooks ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To find out the answer to your question, I thought I'd ask } H. Ross Perot, well known rich guy his feelings on the matter. } } RING } } H:"Howdy, this is H. Ross Perot. What can I do for you?" } } O:"Well Mr. Perot, I have a question for you. Why are all } the richest guys in the world crooks?" } H:"Now listen here, I resent what y'all is implyin' After all, } you can lead a fish to water, but you cant stick a pole up its butt } -know what I mean? You can't keep a chicken in your bathtub } if its allergic to water. } "You know whose callin' me a crook? Its those good for nothin' } republicans, thats who. First they hire those people to follow my kids } around, and now they pull this stunt by callin' me a crook. That just } goes to show how scared they really are. After all, you } can lend your neighbor a cup of suger, but a tooth-brush is asking a } little too much. You know what I mean. } "Now the reason I'm answering these questions is cause the American } people asked me to. And that's the only reason. They called on me } and I am ready to serve. Cause that's what America's all about. } After all, it doesnt take a genius to a cheese enchilada. } And that's even truer now with NAFTA goin' through like it did. } You cant have a strong American economy when there aren't any jobs } left in America. Its pouring a bowl of water into a tarantulas } mouth..." } } O: "Thanks a lot Mr. Perot" } } H:"Anytime. After all, I'm here cause I was asked to be..." } } You owe the Oracle an enchilada and a Perot bumper sticker --- 651-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, the Omniscient, the Beneficent, the Unpredictable, whose > existence is, must, and forever shall be Everlasting and Interminable; > the Delight of my Eyes and the Song of my Heart, whose Wisdom flows > like the Waterfall and whose Fountains of Prosperity Irrigate the > Gardens of Prudence and Virtue; this Thy Petitioner, being Unsatisfied > with Thy Earlier Reponse, doth once Again most Humbly Beg and Implore > of Thee this Boon, that Thou mayest again Confer upon me Thy Wisdom > concerning this Strange Enqiry: > > Tell to me, O Great Oracle, what exactly is the nature of that strange > and mysterious bond which lies between a child and its Teddy Bear??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The bond between a child and teddy bear is a consequence of } electrons sharing the outer valence shell of the child- } teddybear complex. Because a child and teddy bear share } similar electronegativities, the bond is covalent in nature. } Note the Lewis diagram below } } :child:::teddybear: } } Note how the bond is especially strong because it is a } triple bond. A unique feature of this bond is the energy } dissipation when the bond is broken. (A reaction sometimes } caused by a greedy-sibling ligand or a neighborhood-bully } oxidizing agent.) While most bonds distributed their stored } energy as heat, the child-teddybear bond releases its energy } as acoustical energy. More surprising is the localized } dissipation of this bond energy. } } When the bond is broken, the child begins screaming } hysterically, releasing Joules and Joules of energy from its } mouth in the form of sound waves. Remarkably, the reaction } often causes the child-teddybear bond to reform, at no net } expense to the compound, but by causing others around the } bond to voluntarily reform the bond. } } Scientists and engineers believe that a "critical mass" of } child-teddybear compounds can form a self-sustaining } reaction. If one of the child atoms is sufficiently excited } it will expel the teddy bear ("throwing a tantrum"). This } in turn will cause another child to "throw a bear," and the } reaction will continue. By tuning a resonance chamber to } the acoustical energy signature of the resulting screams, a } pressure wave can be generated that will fluctuate a } diaphragm attached to a turbine. This, in turn, produces } electricity. } } A better world through better science. } } You owe the Oracle a teddy bear and an original copy of } Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal." --- 651-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, glorious oracle, who knows it all, and if not you are a good > improviser any way, please tell me: > > Is Bill Clinton the Antychrist? > > Muchos thanks in advance And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .luos ruoy elcarO eht ewo uoY } } !selur ssuP sa stoob evitcelloc s'ti ni ekahs lliw setatS detinU eht } dna ,rewoP lluF ezies yltrohs lliw depurdauq sihT .ylhguoroht lliB fo } ecnedifnoc dna tsurt eht otni detartlifni sah ohw ,enO livE ehT ot } esruoc fo refer I .reficuLH^H^eM rof lortnoc ezies dna lliB fo ydob } eht ssessop noos lliw ohw ,revewoh ,enO si erehT .oN --- 651-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, who knoweth more about chocolate turkeys > than I shall ever know, please find it in your heart to tell me: > > I have two chocolate turkeys that my mother sent me on Thanksgiving. I > saved them as bookends because I found them greatly amusing. Now, six > months later, I fear that they may no longer be legally disposed in a > standard landfill. How am I to dispose with them? I fear horrible > environmental consequences if I throw them out (not to mention likely > encarceration for me) but I cannot keep them much longer -- I've > noticed whenever I'm around them for more than a few minutes I feel > really worn down, often have headaches, cannot urinate in a straight > line, have a bluish tinge about me, and frequently feel like a rodent > in a blender. > > What am I to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, be calm. There's no reason to worry, the oracle has handled an } issue like this once before. } } Whatever you do, DON'T EAT THEM! } } And, you're right, there's no safe way to throw them away. } } Your only alternative is to wait until the next holiday and give them } away as gifts. } } (This, by the way, is how the Christmas tradition of the fruit cake } began) } } You owe the oracle, uh, in light of my advise I'm canceling your debt } (you MAY NOT give the chocolate turkeys to the oracle!) --- 651-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the recommended way to spend one's time when the Wheel > of Fortune runs partway over one and stalls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } keep shouting "I'm going to sue you, Merv Griffin, you bastard" } is my favorite. --- 651-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose mission it is to seek out strange new > questions, to boldly answer questions that have never been answered > before, please tell me: > > Why did they cancel Star Trek: The Next Generation at the peak of its > popularity and profitability? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually I'm surprised that there hasn't been more media coverage of } this. Star Trek TNG was not cancelled, what happened is that the entire } cast has retired. The movie they've talked about is just a } contractural obligation, they're through not only with Star Trek but } with acting. } } Next year in February the entire ST:TNG cast will report to the Chicago } White Sox spring training camp. Apparently every cast member claims } that baseball was their first love, and now that they've made lots of } money in the acting world they're going to retire and do what they } *want* to. } } Since you asked so kindly I'll tell you how it will work out: } } Worf: Will make the majors. He will set new records next year, hitting } 80 home runs, getting 311 hits in 627 at-bats for a phenomenal .496 } batting average. He will be suspended nine times for fighting, } cursing, phaser fire, and general violent tendencies. } } Picard: Will become road manager for the Sox' AA team. He will use his } skills as captain to tell the bus driver what course to plot, when to } run offending motorists off the road, etc, as well as leading the team } to play baseball in strange new cities, against new types of players, } essentially to play ball where no one has played before. } } Riker: Will become Picard's assistant, now known as "Gopher" instead of } "Number One." His responsibilities will include getting coffee for } Picard, going to 7-11 for munchies, keeping an eye on the bus when the } team goes out for the evening, and working as bat boy during games. } } LaForge: Will become a major league umpire. His visor will allow him } to examine the molecular contents of bats and balls, thus eliminating } "spitballs" and the use of pine tar on bats. The visor will also give } him exceptional accuracy at calling balls and strikes, but the frequent } cry, "The ump is blind!" will take on new significance. } } Dr. Crusher: Will become the Sox' new mascot, wearing a hot pink } potatshaped costume, under the name of "Num Nums". A massive hit in } the Chicago area, she will continue in this job for 17 years. } } Troi: Will leave spring training to live in Santa Fe, NM (latest New } Age destination) where she will sell crystals to tourists and write } books on healing yourself through ESP. } } Data: Will spend most of spring training trying to grasp the pleasure } humans take in baseball, much like he once tried to grasp humor. } He will be known for remarks like, "Why hit the ball? Is it } threatening you?" and "Why run the bases when you hope to end up where } you started?" Ultimately he will fail at this and become the team's } statistician, much like the nerdy kid in "Bad News Bears." } } Guinan: Quits the team early, goes to Paris to work in the fashion } industry as a hat designer. } } Wesley: Will be the unfortunate victim of a malfunctioning pitching } machine in the Sox' batting cage, pummelled to death by hundreds of } balls approaching the speed of sound. } } Q: Run out of training for his obnoxious behavior, he will menace the } team all year, showing up in uniform, moving the stadium to } Indianapolis, changing all the bats to rubber, altering gravity at key } moments in games, etc. His antics will stop suddenly in September, and } the mysterious "Q Society" will claim responsibility. } } You owe the Oracle a Michael Jordan rookie card, tickets to the world } series, and a can of Spam (tm). --- 651-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most might and all-seeing Oracle, please > answer me this: > > If you release a Zagnut bar from Earth orbit, > how long would it take to reach a race of alien > beings intelligent enough to eat it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, as the wise old owl said in the tootsie-pop commercial, } "Let's see..." } } T + 0 seconds: Zagnut bar leaves Earth orbit. } } T + 2 days: Scientists on Earth are horrified when they discover that } the Zagnut bar is oriented in precisely the wrong } direction. NASA spends 11 million dollars correcting the } problem. } } T + 8 days: Scientists on Earth are even more horrified when they } discover that the Zagnut's wrapper is misshapen. NASA } spends 1.2 billion dollars developing and deploying a } small "correcting" wrapper. } } T + 12 years: Zagnut bar passes through the rings of Saturn. } } T + 30 years: ET comes across Zagnut bar. Decides he prefers Reese's } Pieces, and passes it up. } } T + 48 years: Zagnut leaves solar system. It bounces off Voyager 2, } sending the satellite towards a planet populated by } vicious and ruthless aliens who will use the satellite } to track down and exterminate mankind. (You might } want to make a note of this.) } } T + 2.3 Myears: The Zagnut gets caught in the atmosphere of a } newly-formed planet in the Rigel system. It breaks up } during entry, scattering bits of Zagnut all about the } planet. } } T + 2.6 Myears: The Zagnut chunks slowly react with the } chemical/protein stew that envelops the planet. A } race of Zagnut-based beings evolves. } } T + 11.3 Myears: The Zagnut creatures become a highly intelligent, } benevolent, and civilized race. } } T + 11.4 Myears: The aforementioned race of vicious and ruthless aliens } makes contact with the Zagnut creatures, discovers } how yummy they are, and devours them all. } } So, the answer to your question is 11.4 million years. } } You owe the Oracle a Zagnut bar. Mmmmmmmmm... Zagnut bar... --- 651-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What the hell do all these NULL bytes mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means you need to use more spices when you cook.