From oracle-request Wed Jun 1 07:52:56 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA20215; Wed, 1 Jun 1994 07:52:56 -0500 Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 07:52:56 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #652 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 652 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #652 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 07:52:56 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 652 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 647 73 votes gsh84 4aqkd 2byo2 84gqj 2lnk7 5cgrd kkge3 6nmg6 cehka 6dnjc 647 3.1 mean 2.4 3.4 3.2 3.6 3.1 3.4 2.5 2.9 3.0 3.2 --- 652-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where are they? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has asked them, and they have replied: } } We've been waiting for YOU! Why are you fooling around with that } computer when you were supposed to meet us half an hour ago? We kept } trying to call, but your line was busy. Anyway, we went ahead with the } heist, though we had to recruit a new getaway driver at the last } minute. Of course YOU, being uninvolved, will have to be, ah, } accounted for. Mr. Pink will be along shortly to conclude our } business. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything, but good luck settling up with your } pals. --- 652-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did I pass the test today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not a test, Bill, and it's not over for another two years. --- 652-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am wondering how many hours sleep should a person get each night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Probably 7-8, but I usually go with 4-16. --- 652-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Entertain me, o wise Oracle... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, here comes the StarTrek-theme. } } Laa laa la laa la la laa. Laa laa. Laaalaaalaala. } Laalaalaalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. --- 652-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > How does one get rid of weeds without digging them up? > I would like to kill some foliage without harming the soil. > Can I do this chemically? If so what chemicals do I use? > Is there any home reamedies that you may suggest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dearest Supplicant, the answer is very simple. Go to your local army } dump and buy a small yet powerful flamethrower. Fill her up with } petrol, kick the safety switch and let it rock! } This will also devestate any rare orchids, trees, and people in the } vicinity of your weeds, but hey, you didn't harm the soil. } } You owe the Oracle some of those nice orchids.. --- 652-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, > > what is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The cereal, the magazine, or the board game? --- 652-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighy Oracle, whose intellect shines brighter than the heavens, whose > understanding is deeper than an ocean trench, whose houseplants thrive > forevermore, I, a supplicant not worthy to pick the chewed gum out of > your golden bootsoles with my tongue, as a eternal highlight to my > puerile existence, seek any answer that you deign to bestow upon me in > reference to this question: Why do housecats always have that weird > "cat attitude", while dogs are such sappy sloppy drooling simperers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As the result of thousands of years of artificial selection, women } have molded cats into what women subconsciously consider the ideal } man, and men have molded dogs into what men subconsciously consider } the ideal woman. --- 652-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one, > Why is there no free lunch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with Rush Limbaugh } visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet at Shoney's. --- 652-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, who is wise enough to be everywhere at once, > > How can I be in two places at once? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem of being in two places at once has plagued mankind since } the dawn of last Monday. Many people have wondered "Why am I here? } Why am I not there? Here is nice. Hmmm. There seems nice too. Let's } go see. Oh, gee, now I'm here, which was there, but I'm not there (and } there is where I'm not which was here before I was where I am). I } wonder if I can be here and there at once. Maybe if I run... pant, } pant, pant... :-P hey, I was just there and now I'm here again and } I've lost there again. This is tough!" (Well, maybe not *that* many } people have wondered this, but at least two have.) } } But now, finally, allow us to present: } } HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE } =============================== } A brief guide by T. U. Oracle } } The Solomon method: Get a sharp sword. Cut yourself in half. Send } one half here and the other half here. Caveat: if cut } sideways, you'll have to make sure that the upper half } goes somewhere appropriate (say, a good dinner or movie) } and the lower half does likewise (an orgy would do fine). } If cut lengthwise, you may experience difficulties in } spatial perception. In both cases you only have 12 } seconds or so to enjoy yourself before blood loss gets } you. } } The Tachyon method: Become a subatomic particle. You can now be in } two places at once. Caveat: if you look at your watch to } find out the time, your wave function will collapse in } space and make quite a mess. } } The wise-cracker method: Wear a mask and concealing clothes, and then } you can be in one place and in cognito at the same time. } Caveat: nobody knows where cognito is, presumably it is } very near to communicado. } } The Deity method: Become the USENET Oracle, or some equivalent } deity. You will be everywhere at once. Caveat: you'll } have to answer lots of annoying questions. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ky) Schroedinger's cat, dead or } alive. --- 652-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me more about Howdy Doody. And the Flub-A-Dub. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stage Name: Howdy Doody } Real Name: Bonjour LaFeces } Birth Date: April 22, 1921 } Place: Nice, France (the same place as 'Andre the Giant') } Height: 60 cm. } Weight: Approximately 3.5 kgs.(varies with the moisture content in the } air) } Turn Ons: Tung oil, #200 grit sandpaper, Pentox, Jello 1-2-3, and } Lambchop } Turn Offs: Termites, dry rot, circular saws, Barney, Mr. Bill } Claim to fame: After spotted show biz career, was the first to coin } the phrase "She gives me a woody". } Current Status: Resting in a health care facility in eastern Canada } that is treating him for the long term affects of Dutch } Elm Disease and years of self 'Flub-A-Dub' abuse. He } learned this cruel form of sphincter enlargement back } in his native France and could not break himself of the } shameful habit. Although unable to talk or move any of } his limbs, he remains in good spirits and hopes to make } a movie with Regis and Kathie Lee that will be entitled } "Sphincter Boy, Anal Retentive Sidekick, and The Big } Woody Immigrant". Watch for the steamy/dusty scenes. } } You owe the Oracle 2 packs of O-Pee-Chee hockey cards and a lime } Popsicle.