From oracle-request Tue Jun 7 07:53:11 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA23825; Tue, 7 Jun 1994 07:53:11 -0500 Date: Tue, 7 Jun 1994 07:53:11 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #653 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 653 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #653 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 7 Jun 1994 07:53:11 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 653 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 648 81 votes uom32 hun74 2cnpj 1fooh cvjd6 9gnna 5clqh 3fqs9 8mwe5 dgmka 648 3.0 mean 2.0 2.4 3.6 3.5 2.6 3.1 3.5 3.3 2.8 3.0 --- 653-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, please tell me: > > Where do babies REALLY come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We tested this one out in the lab, and with close inspection via } electron microscope, the inscription "Made in Japan" was found. --- 653-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What the hell is going on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I believe it is now time we tell you what has been } taking place. Even though it is not your 'right' } to know, we feel that you are no longer capable } of responding in a negative or harmful way. } } It all started in July of 1989. A young man } (and now you know who you are) was checked into } a hospital room for some routine tests. Sometime } during the night, he was wisked away by two procurement } specialists that were contracted by Oracle Enterprises. } He was taken to a private laboratory (the location of } which is still classified) somewhere in Europe. } } For the next three years a number of experimental } procedures were performed on Gunter (this is the } name the lab technicians gave this particular } young man. The researchers just refered to him } as Specimen 42.). These procedures included genetic } manipulation, cellular reconfiguration, and daily } back massage. } } On February 22, 1993, it was discovered that Specimen } 42 and Specimen 43 had been placed in the wrong } sequence of genetically selected procedures. (Specimen } 43 was refered to as Algernon by the technicians) } } On February 24, 1993 Specimens 42 and 43 were released } in an alley near 47th and Grand in Grand Rapids } Michigan. } } No one has heard from Specimen 43, but it is believed } that one of our 'clean-up' crews was able to terminate } his file. } } We appreciate your contacting us at this time. By the } way could you please maintain your current address for } at least 24 hours. We would be very grateful. } } Your Friend, The Oracle } } P.S. You owe the oracle one small piece of cheese. --- 653-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will it take for me to be able to sustain a six-and-a-half minute > mile for three miles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } J. Peter Acme } Acme Corporation } Buena Vista, CA } } 2 June, 1994 } } Dear Mr. Coyote, } } Thank you for your recent inquiry; you are certainly one of our most } valued customers, and we are always eager to assist you. } } For your most recent project, please consider the enclosed Acme Rocket } Booster Roller Skates (tm, pat. pending). Full instructions are } included. If you are not entirely satisfied, simply return the product } with packing material to our shipping office for a full credit. } } Sincerely, } } J. Peter Acme } } PS: Acme is not responsible for accidental misfiring. Acme is a } wholly-owned subsidiary of Oracle-Roadrunner Industries. --- 653-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How about those Bay Area kids who found those chromosomes linked > to cancer, huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, why not? I'll try anything once. And some fries with that, too. } } If it's any good, you owe the Oracle the recipe. --- 653-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am writing a book on the Internet and the people who use it. What is > the most important thing that should be included? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE : (shyly, timidly) Well, um, (clears throat), not to seem } overly vain or anything (coughs politely), but, er, it seems that - } well, some people have told me that *I* am, you know, pretty } important to the Internet. } } YOU: I thought you were the *Usenet* Oracle... } } ORACLE : Oh, yeah, well, uh, Usenet, Internet, same thing. } } YOU : Um, well, people might laugh at the idea of an omniscient } being roaming around the Information Highway. } } ORACLE : No need to worry. I'll include a ZOT in every book } to convince your readers of the authenticity of my existence. } } YOU : No, really, it's all right. No need to go to such trouble... } } ORACLE : Don't worry. Your books will become a best-seller } overnight. People will buy it in mass quantities as present for } their in-laws, their bosses, their children's pets. You'll } go down in history. } } [You smile happily.] } } [Curtains fall.] } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of your } posthumously published book. --- 653-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of spam? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for contacting Cantor and Seagull's "CyberSell". Details of } our exclusive range of spam-related merchandise are below. If you have } any questions or complaints, call 1-900-WE-SPAM ($50 a minute legal } rates). } } - - - cut here - - - } } CYBERSELL SPAM MERCHANDISE LIST } } Last updated: 06/03/94 by MELT down MAN } } SPAM T-SHIRTS } } 100% cotton with spam stains on front and back. Tasteful "I spammed } the net" logo on chest. $15.99. } } SPAM-ON-A-ROPE } } Perfect for use in the shower. Ever felt hungry whilst soaping your } butt? Never again. Not recommended for use as a food product. } $10.99. } } SUPER OXYGENATED SPAM } } Brain food for the 21st century! May prevent cancer, AIDS, and most } other infectious diseases if eaten regularly. Then again, it may not. } $200 per tin. } } OFFICIAL D-DAY LANDING SPAM FRITTERS } } As recommended by UK Prime Minister John Major. Celebrate the death } of thousands of Allied troops by cooking these tasty 'meaty' treats. } $5.95. } } THE SPAM PHONE } } Remember when you used to make telephones out of old tin cans and } string? Re-live those halcyon days with the Spam Phone -- a fully } functional telephone made entirely from spam cans. (Prohibited from } connection to public telephone systems. Spam not included.) $56.50. } } EAU DE SPAM } } Girls! Send your guy crazy with this exclusive fragrance. Only } $29.95! (10ml bottle.) } } SPAM FLAVOURED CONDOMS } } People say there's no meat in spam -- prove them wrong! As used by } L Cantor (thank goodness). $4.95. } } SPAMSICLE } } Smooth and creamy ice-cold spam on a stick. $0.90 each. (We } recommend next-day delivery at $20 extra.) } } CHICKEN SPAMNUGGETS } } Are your family bored of chicken? Perhaps they're just bored of } chicken flavoured chicken. Try new Spamnuggets -- real processed } chicken with the great taste of spam. $1.20 per pound. } } SPAMALAMADINGDONG } } Jumbo-sized vibrator with the texture and colour of spam, with extra } ridges for added excitement. Supplied with mains adaptor and } spam-flavoured lubricant. } } - - - cut here - - - --- 653-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you think I would look good with a beard? > -Hillary And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } yep --- 653-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > nice hooters? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } Your continual sexual harrasment of our client, the Usenet Oracle, } has prompted us to issue the following warning. Immedeatly } cease all references to breasts, genitalia, and other sexual } explicit subjects while transacting business with our client. } If you do not cease your emotionally disturbing activities immedeatly } we will be forfced to pursue legal actions. } Our client has a delicate constitution. Please keep this in mind } in the future. } } You have been warned. } } The Law Offices of Cantor and Seagull --- 653-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Recently I decided to take some time out from the ratrace and get > better acquainted with myself. > > I decided I liked me. In fact, I liked me so much I invited me out > to dinner, and afterwards we came back to my place and had sex. > > Now I'm worried: "What if I caught something? > What if me wants a key, or wants to move in?" > > O Oracle who knows so much, what shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suggest you go with your emotions. If you REALLY really like this } person, then I think there is an excellent chance that they like you. } The worry over disease is not one to think about. If you think you } have caught something, I think you'll find you probably already had } it. } } The only problem I can see is that this is more likely than not a } homosexual relationship, and as a result you may be stigmatised in } public, and if you are a prominent politician you may lose your job. } Still, what goes around comes around. } } Just make sure you practice safe sex. Once you've practiced it } enough, try doing it for real. } } You owe the Oracle a long-term commitment and an invitation to the } wedding. --- 653-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle: > > where's the beef? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because I didn't think much of your grovel, I have snipped out a few } pixels from your question, and sold them for serifs to the local } fontsmiths. What remains is: } } > where's the beer? } } I'm not telling. If you can't find it, all the more for me. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for a hangover...