From oracle-request Mon Jul 4 11:02:35 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA09211; Mon, 4 Jul 1994 11:02:35 -0500 Date: Mon, 4 Jul 1994 11:02:35 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #660 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 660 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #660 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 4 Jul 1994 11:02:35 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 660 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 655 75 votes 8hri5 7oqe4 cqq83 9mmi4 klgd5 9bimf 48hpl bmgce 9ati9 6lhkb 655 3.0 mean 2.9 2.8 2.5 2.8 2.5 3.3 3.7 2.9 3.1 3.1 --- 660-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is baseball called "America's national pastime"? Everybody I know > spends more time sleeping than watch baseball. Shouldn't sleeping be > called "America's national pastime"? And what would baseball be > called? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Baseball is called "America's national pastime" because, for many } decades, it was far more popular in America than elsewhere; not because } it is more popular in America than other pastimes. Today, baseball is } the national pastime of America and Japan. (Why did baseball catch } on much more in Japan than in Germany or Italy? You didn't ask that } question, so I won't distract you by answering it.) In any event, } baseball is now Nipo-America's national pastime. } } If America's national pastime were defined by the amount of time } Americans devote to it, that pastime would be three inter-related } activities: worrying, envying others, and trying to figure out ways } to make more money. (By contrast, most people sleep only several } hours a day.) } } Some people thought that sleepball would become America's national } pastime, but it never caught on. I'll tell you the rules. Just before } you go to sleep, get a roll (a roll, not a sheet) of postage stamps. } Tear off four stamps. Now, you have a strip of four stamps. There are } two end stamps (the stamps at the strip's two ends) and two middle } stamps (the stamps in the middle). Lick one of the end stamps. } Wind the strip of stamps around the shaft of a penis, so that the } two ends of the strip overlap (with the wet stamp on top, so that } its glue does not touch any skin). When the glue dries, the strip } of stamps will be like a paper ring glued around the penis's shaft. } The player (that's the person with the strip of stamps around the } circumference of the shaft of his penis) goes to sleep. If he has } an erection in his sleep, the strip of stamps will tear (along a } perforation, incidentally). When he wakes up, he'll discover a torn } strip of stamps (if he had an erection; otherwise, the strip of stamps } will remain intact and in place). Typically, one goes to sleep with } a soft, bowling-ball-sized sphere covered with fur (the "sleepball"). } This is because players report that erections are more common if } the player sleeps with a soft, curvaceous object. Some players } sleep with a friend (or, if they're desperate, a spouse): this is } cheating (unless the marriage has lasted for at least seven years, } in which case the effect of the spouse's availability is considered } insignificant). With the sole exception of players who sleep with } someone to whom they have been married for at least seven years, the } player must sleep alone. (Incidentally, Wilson makes a fine line of } regulation sleepballs.) } } The game is televised (because the players don't sleep under a blanket } in a regulation game). Fluorescent ink is painted onto the stamps. } Special bulbs (emiting light invisible to the naked eye) make the } stamp rings glow in the dark. All the television audience sees is } a ring glowing in the dark. Gradually, the ring begins to throb. } Then, if there is enough of an erection, it tears. Millions of TV } viewers cheer. The game is usually played as a two-player competition. } Bets are made about which one will have an erection first. Sometimes } there are bets about the point spread (the number of minutes separating } the spliting of the two player's rings). The players sleep with EEG } equipment attached, to be sure that they are asleep when the ring } bursts. The players must have an ejaculation in the ninety minutes } before applying the stamp ring. The ejaculations are witnessed } by medical personnel, but are not televised in the United States. } There was once a cable station that had only sleepball programming. } It was called the "sleepball station." Sleep-ball never became a big } sport in America, chiefly because of the efforts of anti-fur activists. } } You owe the Oracle a regulation sleepball. --- 660-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Let us suppose we could (and did) raise the mean (or median if it > matters to the answer) educational level in the United States to, oh > say post doctoral levels. Who would serve us our Big Macs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Postal employees. --- 660-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have labored many many weary miles > And suffered many pains so that I could get to a computer and pose to > you this question, so please oh please great one, knowledgable one, > one with undoubtably huge brain folds, tell me please: > > Why do men have nipples? > > pray tell. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } User Interface guidelines require them to have the same number and } placement of controls as their counterparts, even though in their } case these pushbuttons serve no function (and are therefore visibly } disabled). } } You owe the Oracle a meaningful dialogue. --- 660-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Why does my computer keep getting slower and slower? > Two years ago, it was the fastest machine around, and now, > it's nearly the slowest. Where will it all end? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is little known law of nature that computing power is conserved. As } faster computers become available their computing power must come from } somewhere. The computing power of your computer is sucked through the } ether into the faster computers any time they are turned on. } Consequently your computer runs slower. When the Intel P6 comes out } your computer should stop functioning entirely. Conservation of } computing is not limited to Intel family of processors. For example, } when Cray Research turned on their first supercomputer 90% of the } TRS-80s slowed to a crawl, 34000 abicuses in China ceased to function } and three math professors, an engineering professor and the Minneapolis } offices of Cooper and Lybrandt became babbling idiots. You may have } heard the Steven Jobs is halting production of the NeXT computers. This } is because Apple started producing the PowerPC based computers and Jobs } realized the NeXT would be hopelessly underpowered because of this and } would never be competitive (and you thought it was bad marketing). } } You the Oracle a Pentium overdrive chip for his Z80. --- 660-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is fastest chip you can get for a 386? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The fastest chip for a 386 is of course the California HIghway } Patrol'S Eric Estrada Chip. It normally doesn't function over 55 MHZ } except in pursuit mode when it can reach 120. } } More affordable is the Disney 386-Chip-and-Dale. It functions well } when chased by large talking ducks, but is often distracted when it } smells nuts. } } Another consideration is the 386-Chip Douglas. It is the fastest in } the My-3-son's line of high performance chips, the Uncle Charlie } being the lowest and surliest of the group. } } The Tony Randall Eagle-chip is also on the forefront of chip } technology. } } --You owe the Oracle one order of Fish and Chips. It's lunchtime. --- 660-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "oracle", you get "ac > lore". So do you know any tales about air conditioners? (I'm really > NOT interested in tales about California). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What do you think alt.folklore.conditioners.air is for?? Cripes, I } am *surrounded* by newbies!! And don't *post* there, for God's sake, } get the FAQ and **read it**!!! } Actually, since the Oracle is in a good mood, I'll get it for you, } but this time *only*! Consider yourself extremely fortunate that I } haven't zotted you in the jobs instead! OK, here it is: } } *******************alt.folklore.conditioners.air********************* } ******************Frequently Asked Questions File******************** } } PLEASE read and commit to memory before even THINKING about posting } to this group, you clueless newbie!! Remember, Abraham Lincoln read } this group for over 150 years before posting! Get a clue! And don't } talk with your mouth full! And stop tracking mud accross my nice } clean database!! } This FAQ is available through anonymous ftp from } acarchive.uselessinfo.ukshnooksville.edu. } The following urban legends about air conditioners are rated by the } following code: } T=100% scientific truth } Tb=believed true by superstitious idiots like yourself } F=100% false (includes 100% of what you were taught in grade school, } 99.99% of what you were taught in high school, 90% of what you were } taught in college, 105% of what you read in the paper, and 100% of } any beliefs you have that give you hope and a reason to live) } Fb=false, but we think you'll buy it } S=too silly to even consider } Cypidh?=Can you prove it *didn't* happen?? } ===================================================================== } LEGENDS } T=The air conditioner got its name from its inventor, Theodore "Lumpy" } Airconditioner. } F=William McKinley was assassinated by having an air conditioner dropped } on his head (it was a humidifier). } F=Millard Fillmore installed the first air conditioner in the White } House (no, he had a repairman do it). } T=They had to install a special extra-powerful air conditioner in the } White House for William Howard Taft. } T=A woman was in an air conditioner dealership when she suddenly } noticed Paul Newman standing next to her. She managed to leave the } dealership calmly, but then noticed that she forgot to take the air } conditioner she just bought. She went back into the store and asked } the clerk "Where's my air conditioner?" "In your purse, lady, where } you put it!" said Paul Newman. } T=If you put an air conditioner in a microwave oven, it will explode. } Tb=Sloppy person fails to replace air conditioner filters regularly. } Slug lays its eggs in air conditioner. Next summer, the air } conditioner makes strange noises. Repairman removes front of air } conditioner, is covered with baby slugs, one of which eats its way } into his brain. } Fb=Housewife gets very hot doing housework on a hot summer day. } Considers doing housework in the nude, but finally decides to turn } on air conditioner instead. Meter reader arrives and says, "Your air } conditioner certainly makes your house pleasantly cool!" } T=Captain James T. Kirk's middle name is "Air Conditioner". } Tb=Old woman's dying wish is to be buried with her cat and her air } conditioner. The request is carried out. Three days later, the casket } is dug up for some reason, and it is discovered that the air } conditioner has eaten the cat. } Cypidh?=Nigel Tufnel has an air conditioner that goes to 11. } S=East German secret "bug" plant now makes air conditioners. } Tb=World Trade Center air conditioner contains dead bodies of several of } the workers who built it. } Fb=You can buy unused World War II vintage centra air conditioners from } the government for $50 each. They come unassembled, packed in grease. } T=A professor at an air conditioning installation and repair trade } school once pushed an air conditioner into the classroom over the } transom. } Tb=The Great Air Conditioner of China can be seen with the naked eye } from the moon. } T=Dave Lennox is a hermaphrodite. } Tb=If the air conditioner in your college dorm room breaks beyond } repair, you get "A's" in all your classes that semester. } T=Cancer kid Craig Shergold wants to get into the Guiness Book of World } Records for owning the most air conditioners. Send in your air } conditioner immediately! } T=Having an air conditioner go through your digestive system causes } cancer in lab rats. } T=Albert Einstein's air conditioner did poorly in school. } Fb=The FCC is considering putting a tax on air conditioners. Write your } congressman immediately!! } T=Woman finds a small air conditioner by the side of the road while } vacationing in Mexico. Smuggles it back to U.S. Takes it to } repairman, who tells her it's really a Mexican sewer rat with fresh, } minty breath. } Tb=Putting a bottle of water on top of your air conditioner will keep } your dog from turning it on while you're not home. } Fb=Johnny Carson broadcast a telephone number that people can call to } get free air conditioner repair. } T=Man submitted water dripping from his air conditioner instead of urine } for a drug test. Test showed he needed to have his filter changed. } F=Lee Harvey Oswald's air conditioner acted alone. } T=Paul is dead. } Tb=John Dillinger's unusually large air conditioner is preserved in the } Smithsonian. } T=Adolf Hitler had only one air conditioner. } T=Richard Gere has a special custom-made air conditioner shaped like a } penis. He once had to go to the emergency room to have it removed from } his rectum. } T=A woman once installed an air conditioner in her beehive hairdo. It } ate its way into her brain. } ===================================================================== } } You owe the oracle some factory air-conditioned air from our fully } factory air condtioned factory. --- 660-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, whose wildly wacky witticisms wonder and wow the world's > weirdest wombats..... > > Why are hot dogs sold in packages of ten while hot dog buns are only > sold in packages of eight? It's a real pain...... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well actually, when the hot dogs leave the factory there are only eight } of them. They just reproduce on the way. Them suckers don't look } like... well, you know... for nothing. } } You owe the Oracle a ride in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. --- 660-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > wefqwqwfqwfwef And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Still haven't figured out how to use your Clipper chip yet I take it. --- 660-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great creature of immense worldly knowledge... > > I ate too much of my dad's chili this winter, and I still have > heartburn. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, poor supplicant, your dad used a chili recipe from the wrong book } this year. No wonder you still have heartburn: } } 1/4 cup poisoned entrails } 1 large toad } 1 lb fenny snake fillet } 1/8 lb newt eye } 1/8 lb frog toe } 1 tbsp bat wool } 1/4 lb dog tongue } 1/8 lb adder tongue } 2 tsp blind-worm sting } 1/2 lb lizard leg } 1 tbsp howlet wing } 1/3 cup dragon scale } 1/4 lb wolf teeth } 1 lb shark } 2 tbsp hemlock } 2 lb liver } 1/2 lb goat gall-bladder } 1 tbsp yew } 1/4 lb nose } 1/4 lb lips } 1/8 lb finger } 1/2 lb tiger } 3 cups baboon blood } } Keep the large toad under a cold stone for a month, dig the hemlock } root in the dark, buy the liver from a reform Jewish deli, and cut } the yew during a lunar eclipse. } } When the cat mews 3 times and the hedgehog whines 4 times, boil the } toad for 5 minutes in a charmed pot. Add the poisoned entrails and toad } to a large cauldron. Boil for another 5 minutes, and then add the rest } of the ingredients, except for the baboon blood, and stir well. Boil } for 15 minutes and then remove from heat and add the baboon blood. } } This is the recipe your dad should have used: } } 2 lbs dry pinto beans } 1/2 lb salt pork } 1/4 cup fresh cilantro } 5 jalepeno peppers } 10 garlic cloves } 2 medium onions } 1 tbsp salt } 3 tbsp chili powder } 1 tbsp cumin } 2 tsp oregano } } Soak the beans overnight. Chop the cilantro and onions, and cut the } pork into small pieces. Mix all the ingredients and bring to a boil. } Once boiling, turn the heat to low and let cook all day. } } I suggest that you seek medical attention immediately, and advise your } dad to be more careful in the future. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Bill Can Cook!" --- 660-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just had a disturbing thought, Mr. Oracle: > > Since vegetarians eat vegetables, shouldn't the human population be > worried about humanitarians? > > A humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps they should. But long before humanity is faced with that } particular threat (in 2267, to be exact -- see Hobart & Schultz's } _History, Part II_, Chapter XLVII: "To Serve Mankind") they will have } to deal with many more imminent dangers. A brief timeline: } } 2007: Religious strife reaches a new peak as members of some religious } factions resort to physically consuming members of disagreeing } factions. (see H & S, Chapter VII: "The New Sectarianism"). } } 2049: The already-fragmented Sword-Swallowers Alliance (which has kept } an uneasy peace for thirty years) is torn apart utterly when the ruling } Pin-Swallowers' Guild (known to history as the "pinheads") are attacked } by combined force of fishhook- and harpoon-swallowers (see H & S, Ch. } XII: "Barbarians at the Gates"). } } 2077-2179: The Golden Century of Humanity -- built upon the rubble left } from the chaos which preceded it, this biotechnologically advanced } civilization collapses almost overnight when famine drives starving } mobs to eat the contents of their own Petri dishes (see H & S, Ch. } XXXI: "The Agrarian Revolution"). } } 2193: The Powers That Be make a vain attempt to re-establish order, } but famine strikes again, and a three-way civil war results (see H & S, } Ch. XLI: "Establishmentarianism, Disestablishmentarianism, and } Antidisestablishmentarianism"). } } You owe the Oracle a black horse, and some grain (a penny a measure).