From oracle-request Fri Jul 8 08:02:15 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA14842; Fri, 8 Jul 1994 08:02:15 -0500 Date: Fri, 8 Jul 1994 08:02:15 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #661 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 661 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #661 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 8 Jul 1994 08:02:15 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 661 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 656 66 votes 5ckp4 5pp65 3bql5 epgb0 2dte8 39fli 5chma ju872 5coeb 1dqj7 656 3.0 mean 3.2 2.7 3.2 2.4 3.2 3.6 3.3 2.1 3.2 3.3 --- 661-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the ethics of releasing artificial life programs onto the net. > Specifically, the Catholic Church seems to indicate (by extension of > their contraceptive ban) that failing to create AL is murder, while the > 1985 Computer Security Act seems to prohibit creating and releasing > such creatures. WOuld the Oracle shed some light on this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle finds that there is no solution that is at once sin-free } and absolutely legal, but recommends the following as a very } respectable hack. } } Catholics are allowed, as you of course know, to use the rhythm method } of contraception, a natural means of reducing the odds of impregnation. } By analogy, all you are really required to do with your AL program is } to post it, but you may post it to a newsgroup where its chances of } propagation are very slender. } } The Oracle suggests news.announce.newusers, which by all the evidence } no one reads at all anymore. Certainly not the enforcement bureaus of } the United States government, judging from the Air Force's merry } spewing of binary "Wanted" posters across dozens of groups. } } The Church will be content, the Feds will never know, and you'll sleep } soundly at night. } } You owe the Oracle a Usenet condom large enough to fit over the Air } Force's news servers. --- 661-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose knowledge of the animal world is beyond compare, > > I can't find my dictionary. What's another word for groundhog? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sausage. --- 661-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What makes a good Internet "how to" book? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A good Internet how-to book must contain the information readers REALLY } want. The following two subjects are ABSOLUTELY required: } } 1 How to petition the Oracle for advice } 2 How not to annoy the Oracle } } If there is room left in your book after (2), you should move on to: } } 1 How to send multiple copies of inappropriate messages to small } newgroups } 2 How to telnet to eighteen different MUSH's while ftp'ing large } pornographic GIF files during prime usage hours } 3 How to break in to credit agencies and adjust your file } 4 How to set up cults with secret Internet communications which } create a large, well coordinated terrorist act and disappear } again.(*) } 5 How to post admissions of illegal activities to Usenet and get } arrested. This should help keep the newbies out. } 6 How to ftp crypto programs across international bounderies and } get arrested (see number 5). } 7 How to write a worm which exploits well know security problems } and brings the Internet to a crawl. } 8 How to set up packet snoopers on major service providers and } steal thousands of passwords. } 9 How to use these passwords to be the first kid on your block to } control the technological infrastructure. } 10 How not to get caught when doing any of the above. } } (*) This would help bolster the credibility of the U.S. Gov't, which } is concerned about such a contigency. } } The Usenet Oracle } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the book. --- 661-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the world really round? It sure looks flat to me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The world looks flat because it is flat. For centuries, mankind } understood this simple fact. However, after Columbus made his journey } "around" the world, people started believeing in the erroneous } "roundness theory". } } There are several erroneeous "proofs" of this theory, which I will } dispell. } } 1. The "Ship's Mast" proof: When the mast of a ship comes up over the } horizon, we see the top of the mast first, then the prow, then the } whole ship. It appears little by little. This can only be explained by } a round earth. } } This is, obviously, incorrect. The same effect can be observed when } wheeling a large model of a ship up a steep hill -- first you see the } mast, then the prow, then the whole ship, little by little. The } explanation, therefore, is that the ocean is sitting on a very big } hill. } } 2. The "Christopher Columbus" proof: If you get in a ship and sail } around the world, you'll get back to where you started. } } The crew of Columbus' ship was nervous about falling off the edge of } the world. They needn't have worried -- what they didn't realize is } that although the earth is flat, it has TWO SIDES! And it's very } difficult to fall off something as big as the earth, because of the } strong force of gravity. (Gravity, by the way, is caused by small } strings attached to everything, but that's another Question } altogether). } } 3. The "Bugs Bunny" proof: If you throw a baseball really hard, it will } come back at you from the opposite direction, covered with stamps from } many different countries. } } This is by far the most difficult proof to dispell -- as we've all seen } in the famous Bugs Bunny cartoons, Bugs tries to convince an ornery } Columbus (played by Yosemite Sam) that the Earth is, indeed, round by } throwing the baseball as described above. } } This proof is literally for the birds. What happens is that there is a } little-known species of homing pigeon that plucks the baseball out of } the air mid-flight and whisks it away to a monestary in Vienna where } the stamps are cleverly forged by a monk wearing a gorilla suit. The } bird then flies back, circles around you, and throws the ball back at } you. } } Apparently, these birds were first trained by the Stanislovski Monks of } Poland, who honestly believed that the world was shaped like a large, } over-ripe banana, but if anyone found out by throwing a baseball around } it, it would be eaten by the Great Gorilla of God. } } You may rest confident that the world is, beyond any shadow of a doubt, } flat. } } You owe the Oracle all your stock in USAir. --- 661-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, please consider my question: > > What causes weather? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zeus: What's up on the agenda next? } } Mars: Oh mighty Zeus, we have to create some form of atmospheric } disturbances for the planet ..... may I suggest rains of fire from the } heavens. } } Thor: Mars! You and your bloody fire everywhere. It was you that did } volcanoes wasn't it? } } Mars: Shut up Thor, or I'll tell Zeus what you did to the sharks. } } Zeus: Stop whining you lot, we've got 15 more items to create before } lunch. } } God: If I may make a suggestion, perhaps we could have a gentle warm } precipitation of water once in a while to help the plants grow. } } Mars: It was you! You were the one who invented plants! I spent weeks } designing that dry, lifeless, red earth and now there are green things } sprouting all over it. } } Thor: I like the idea of water falling from the sky, but couldn't it be } a little harder. Like something that would bonk the silly mortals on } their puny little heads. Like this (thump! - a mortal screams) and this } (thump!) } } Robert McElwaine, physicist: I don't understand, why would rain fall? } You guys didn't create gravity did you? You can't do that, that'll KILL } perpetual motion. I'm not having my IDEA$ swept under the carpet, I'll } TELL EVERBODY what YOU'RE trying to DO! } } Aphrodite: Solid is OK, but it should fall down gently, to carpet the } ground with pure white. Like these robes I'm wearing now, I got them } from Asgard at a sale. What do you all think? } } Zeus: Very nice. But, we really need to design this weather thing. } } Waiter: Lunch is served, O immortal ones. Succulent herbs from the } Garden of Eden. Prime roast unicorn. The finest wines. (thump!) OW! } } Zeus: (licks lips). Damn! We can't even agree on the weather, and 14 } things remain, and I'm famished. } } The Oracle: The answer is simple for those of us that know the art of } compromise. We'll alternate hard rain, soft rain, and flakey rain. Beef } up the volcanoes to give the occasional rain of fire, create Australia } to keep Mars happy, and hey presto! } } Zeus: But, what about the other 14 items on the agenda? } } The Oracle: Chairs have four legs, we won't bother about strengthening } the foundations for Atlantis, $25 an hour for no-holds barred erotic } conversation with an attractive member of the opposite sex, 5 is a } prime number, everything that can go wrong will go wrong and at the } worst possible moment, hydrogen is lighter than air, mudskippers the } missing link between fish and amphibians, 10 fingers on each hand and } the same number of toes to keep it simple, 24 hours in one day, hmmm, } that's not too many, better create some really strong caffeine-based } drinks, have an ice age occasionally so the puny mortals don't need } wings, make Hertz try harder, reduce the strength of continents so that } we can create just one and let it float around a bit, and give man an } inordinate attraction to frilly knickers and suspenders. } } All: (stunned silence for 0.4 seconds, followed by a rush for the } dining room). } } Diana: Orrie! I thought we wouldn't be alone together for hours. What } with those silly old immortals arguing about the combustibility of } Lithium. } } The Oracle: The frilly knickers and suspenders? } } Diana: I'm wearing them. See. } } The Oracle: (turning to camera and grinning) Well, everybody likes to } create in their own image. YEOW! --- 661-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most powerful Oracle whose ZOT could rock the earth please grant > this humble supplicant's wish. I am OUTRAGED that I didn't make the > Oracularities this week when I'm sure I had at least 20 submissions > that were funnier than ANY of those that were selected. I want to > hire a hit on the following Priests who overlooked mine in favor of > lesser entries: , , > , , > , and ! I'm sure the priesthood > will not miss the loss of these misguided priests. > Your faithful albeit disgruntled supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear faithful albeit disgruntled (and not very humble) supplicant: } } Due to the UPDA (Universal Priests with Disabilities Act), the Oracle } is duty bound to hire the humor impaired. Let's look into the near } future and see what the prospects are: } } As I read your complaint over the shoulders of } and , they are in stitches ROTFL. They } promise to include you in the very next issue of Oracularities! } } Oops, wait a minute, it turns out that , } , and absolutely hate my } answer, and have overridden the above crew and filed it to WASTEBASKET. } } Wait a minute, we may have a possible save here, I see that } is mulling over the plusses and minuses of this } potential Oracularity. Wait, what's that? It seems that a check has } materialized in front of him, I can see lots of zeroes there. He is } debating the veracity of a check written out to internet addresses } by someone named "faithful but disgruntled supplicant". A decision } to publish will be made after a trip to the bank. Unfortunately, } the banks are closed right now. } } The Oracle invites you to go fight City Hall. --- 661-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In your travels of this vast galactic supercluster and beyond... > > Why do cats lick themselves if it just means that they'll have to > suffer the pain of coughing up a furball on their owner's new rug? > > I can't understand it... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pain? Coughing up hairballs are one of the few pleasures cats } have. They love doing it and it has evolved into some kind of feline } art form. What do you think they do when you're out shopping? } } Cat No 1: "Hack! Haaaacccccckk! Argh, argh, argh! Huck-thoooo!" } Cat No 2: "Heeeeyyy! That was a GOOD one!" --- 661-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My SO just broke up with me... How many of my coworkers am I entitled > to kill? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The number of coworker deaths is not important, as long as you get all } of them, including those who may be on vacation. The important thing } is to use the appropriate tools, depending on how long you and your } spouse were together. Here is a handy chart: } } 1 year : Wood } A club or baseball bat works best, though stakes have often been } used. Many stronger people choose to throw desks at their coworkers, } due to their availability at the office. } } 2 years : Glass } A broken bottle works best, though more patient people have used a } magnifying glass to focus the sun and burn their victims. } } 3 years : Steel } Many people choose to use a knife, although the more sadistic } people use a spoon. A particularly upset individual drove his car } through the lobby of his building. Unfortunately, he did not kill any } of his coworkers, who were washing the windows on the 30th floor. } } 4 years : Gunpowder } I highly recommend an automatic assault rifle, due to its } thoroughness and machoness. Bottle rockets have been used effectively, } but chasing your coworkers around the room, threatening to burn them } with a sparkler, is only 10% effective. } } 5 years : Grenades } Many people who are dumped after 5 years enjoy this so much that } they immediately reenter a relationship and wait patiently to do it } again. } } 10 years : Poison } Acids are the logical choice. The most successful poisons are } hydrochloric acid, sulfuric acid, and Perrier. } } 25 years : Nuclear Weapons } 'Nuff said. } } You owe the Oracle a blind date. --- 661-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hjelp! Er det noen som snakker norsk her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [This question was diverted to WGibson@cyber.hemmingway.com. The } praise from the reviewers were as incomprehensible as the ones for } Neuromancer. "A flash of blinding, mouth watering virtual light" } proclaims The Starkville Book and Cow Weekly. "Adjectives. Zapping } metaphors." says Short Sentences Journal. "Points of view, times, } places shift without warning, Nearly as incomprehensible as Virtual } Light" exclaims the OYT BR.] } } The light hit her eyes like pistons, the color of packing peanuts from } those cartons of wine. The wine had gone to her head like a rush of } intensity. Her head now felt like a million candlepowers were in her } eyes. There was someone next to her. } } He awoke with a start like a taxi hitting a wall. There was someone } there. It was her, with those mirrored eyes and sensuous lethel } weapons built in to her. Hell, he thought, it must be a William Gibson } book. He combed his hair in her bright, mirrored eyes, wondering if she } was awake or asleep. Outside the bright colors of drug dealers in a } gunfight. He glanced out the window at the carnage and drew the shade. } } She thought about the pure crystalline form of the information, it was } so bright that it actually illuminated her retina. That thing from the } picture glasses had shown it to her. He had called himself Orrie. He } had told her what she must do. But she would have to answer a question } for him. His neon form, the color of a tablecloth at one of those } Italian places with bottles hanging from the ceiling burned in her } mind. She had asked what he was. He had zotted her like lightening } from the ground and told her she owed him things. Things she had never } heard of... } } You owe the Oracle an explanation. --- 661-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did O.J. really do it? And what's up with that Kato guy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the THIRD time this incarnation has been asked this question. } } The Oracle is happy to forward you a copy of the second answer to this } question. The Oracle, you may note, is puzzled by the sudden interest } in this old and quaint riddle, which, until recently, was only } discussed by Oracles. By the way, the Oracle at Delphi ran a scenerio } which tends to agree with me. } } ----- Begin Included Message ----- } } This supplicant must learn that inquiring about OJ Simpson's guilt is } the same as inquiring about his innocence. For the supplicant's } reference, the Oracle shall send the supplicant a copy of the previous } answer the Oracle gave the supplicant. This answer not only answered } the supplicant's question, but it also had the incalculable benefit of } setting the record wrong on a few major issues in world history. The } Oracle takes particular pride in doing this. } } Your question was: } } > Oracle Oracle rah rah rah } > King of Zot, ugly not, yah yah yah } > } > Is O.J. Simpson guilty? And what is the name of that guy on Mork and } > Mindy who worshipped him? (I can't remember for the life of me) } } Thus spake the Oracle: } } > The Oracle requests that supplicants restrain themselves to one } > question per request. The Oracle is not sure which O.J. Simpson the } > supplicant is speaking of, and will assume that the supplicant is } > discussing the best known one, Octavious J. Simpson, Roman Governor } > of Nike, 12 AD-32 AD. } > } > As the supplicant is aware, the crimes Governor Simpson stood accused } > of were quite unusual. If he had, for instance, been charged with } > having an entire town with two thousand subjects rounded up and } > tortured to death in the hot Nike sun, while birds and rats picked } > away at their still living flesh, he would have been quite clearly } > guilty. If he had been charged with having all the men from fourteen } > years of age to eighteen years of age put to death, because of some } > graffitti calling him a wimp, he would have been guilty. } > } > If, in fact, he had been charged with ordering the brutal, slow and } > painful deaths of over one houndred thousand people over the course } > of his reign, he, he would stand guilty as charged. Unfortunately, } > the charge against him, which cost him his life in the great } > Colliseum at Rome, was with being overly merciful, and allowing an } > uprising to occur by failing to rule brutally enough. The Oracle has } > discussed this matter woth many other immortals, and given the } > varience in opinion, can only offer the Oracle's own personal } > opinion. } > } > Guilty as charged. } > } > You owe the Oracle some graffitti. } } ----- End Included Message -----