From oracle-request Wed Jul 13 09:33:27 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22127; Wed, 13 Jul 1994 09:33:27 -0500 Date: Wed, 13 Jul 1994 09:33:27 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #663 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 663 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #663 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 13 Jul 1994 09:33:27 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 663 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 658 73 votes 5bsja 3btn7 2cijm 4brm9 aqkc5 58jkl 4ktc8 aspa0 cnn96 hi9ja 658 3.1 mean 3.2 3.3 3.6 3.3 2.7 3.6 3.0 2.5 2.6 2.8 --- 663-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, great and wise, this question has long plagued me: > > Why is a raven like a writing desk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A raven is a bird, much like a sparrow. } Sparrow rhymes with wheelbarrow. } A wheelbarrow has only one wheel. } A unicycle also has only one wheel. } At Harvey Mudd College, computer-science nerds often ride unicycles. } Harvey Mudd College is very difficult to get in to. } The preceding sentence, although correct, ended with a preposition. } Most grammar experts dislike sentences that end with prepositions. } Most grammar experts write frequently. } It is much easier to write if one has a surface to write upon. } The writing desk is one such surface. } } Note that the preceding set of statements prove nothing... they are } merely for your edification and elucidation. } } A raven is like a writing desk because God decreed it to be so. Quoth } the scripture: } } "And behold, this shall be a law unto you for all time: take the raven, } yea, even the raven of thy youth, and render it undo the priest, that } he may have the raven and find favor in my sight. And lo: he shall } take the raven, and hold it before the assembled congregation, and } proclaim unto all that it beareth a distinct resemblance to a writing } desk. And ever after, at any sacred convocation, each member of the } congregation shall behold the sacred raven, and remark unto his fellow } that it looketh strikingly like a writing desk." } ---Incompetents, 4:16-4:19 } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as jzimmerman@cmcvax.claremont.edu) one } of Lewis Carrol's books on logic. --- 663-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you're so wise and experienced, I'm sure you've been in this > position before: > > My nuts are siezed, what can I do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try using WD-40. If that doesn't work, try a wench (errr.. } wrench). --- 663-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mystical Oracle, whose day camps for grownups are the most innovative > in the world, please tell me: > > As I've read your Oracularities, I've noticed that your priests and > priestesses have cool and bizarre-sounding names such as "Carole S. > Fungaroli" and "The Wumpus" and "Leo (Bols Ewhac) Schwab" and > "Darkmage". Do you select your priesthood on the basis of their names? > Or do you make them change their names when they enter the priesthood? > > A Humble Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As with a lesser religous order, where upon elevation the priests } change their names (e.g. John Cardinal O' Connor), my priest also } change their names. It is lesser known that they are also required to } get a full body tattoo of my likeness and sacrifice one major organ } when elevated to the priesthood. } } You owe the Oracle Carole S. Fungaroli's pancreas. She has been } delinquent in her dues. --- 663-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O sporting Oracle, who can leap tall microwave towers in a single > bound, who is more powerful than a loco chipmunk, who is faster than a > speeding TCP/IP packet, please tell me: > > There exists a miraculous substance known as Ben-Gay, which is > advertised as a "pain relieving rub." The idea is that you rub it into > your sore muscles and it somehow warms them up. I tried this stuff on > my arm, and it seemed to me that it didn't do anything to warm it. But > I noticed a mild yet distinct itchy sensation, which I suppose is their > idea of "soothing warmth." What's the deal? Do Methyl Salicylate (15%) > and Menthol (10%) produce heat, or just an itchy sensation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No wonder you didn't feel any warmth! You are not applying it corectly! } The fact is that Methyl Salicylate (15%) and Menthol (10%) don't } produce anything but an annoying itch and are only there so that the } manufacturer can claim to have "active ingrediants". The trick to } useing Ben-Gay effectivly is to have a member of the opposit sex } (preferably an atractive one) rub it into your acheing muscles. That is } what produces the healing warmth assosiated with this product. } } You owe the Oracle a rubdown and a tube of Ben-Gay. --- 663-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Mighty Oracle who never has ring around the collar, > > How does one become an Oracle Priest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One doesn't BECOME an Oracle Priest, one is BORN to it. Look at Rich } McGee. His credentials were established when as a baby he rejected his } mother's left breast for incorrect spelling and grammar. Michael } Atkinson proved himself chosen when he disowned two of his offspring } for quoting his own genetic material within themselves. Scott Forbes } was hired on the spot by a band of Priestly Talent Spotters who found } the words "selected by Scott Forbes" on undigested corn kernals. Carole } S. Fungaroli found true destiny when the local greengrocers claimed } that Carole invariably chose the worst cabbages. Leo Schwab was noticed } buying a copy of the "Weekly World News", claiming that originality was } far more important than accuracy. Finally, Joshua Poulson refused to } listen to any music by Lisa Stansfied, Lisa Minelli, or Lisa Lisa. } } You owe The Oracle an automated spell checker, ZOT filter, and } de-Lisafier. --- 663-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, purveyor of power tools, thou who hast > achieved the enlightened state of cordlessness: > > Last week I bought a new key for my drill, as I had > lost the old one and found myself in the sad position > of being unable to change bits. The package gave > detailed instructions on how to test and calibrate > this new addition to my workbench. > > "To test," it said, "chuck key with drill. Remove; > chuck key through back of package." > > I followed these instructions meticulously, placing > the key in my drill and chucking them together as far > as I could. I then removed the key from the drill > and attempted to chuck it back into the package > through the hole in the rear. I was unable to do this, > however, as the hole was a very tight fit and my aim was > poor. > > I decided to use the key anyway, even though it had > failed the test. I had hardly put a new bit in the > drill and pulled the trigger, when smoke started pouring > out of the drill's casing and it stopped working. > > What can I do now? My drill doesn't work, and I need > more holes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The type of chuck possible for testing and calibrating your } key are numerous. After all, in form you could use an } underhand chuck, an overhand chuck, or even a "shot put" } chuck. Each of these chuck has different consequences and } can affect the finals results. } } The Oracle suggests you make sure that you did the proper } chuck. If you were planning on drilling metal, or a } similarly hard substance, then you should have used the } metal chuck. If, on the other hand, you wanted to drill } some type of lumber, you would need to use the woodchuck. --- 663-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, master of all phases of matter! > > Answer me this: You put bread in a toaster, a couple minutes goes by, > then toast pops up, but where does the bread go and the toast come > from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quite simple. The toaster eats the bread, and the toast is the } toaster's... Well, you understand. --- 663-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O omnicient orifice of openly opulent oracleness: > > Where can I find the perfect man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle refers you to Ora-Mart, One Stop Meta-Shopping. } } Client: Where can I find the perfect man? } } Clerk: I assume you're looking for some sort of companion? May I } suggest this cat? } } Client: I was hoping for a man. } } Clerk: Well I do have Simon here in stock, but he's not exactly } perfect. People keep returning him with complaints. } } Client: What do you mean? } } Clerk: Well, he smells. } } Client: (sniff.) So he does. What is that, his feet? } } Clerk: Yes, I'm afraid. We're trying to respond to these complaints } with a new model, perhaps you'd be interested? } } Client: Of course. Didn't you hear me? Man. One. Perfect. To go. } } Clerk: Well, to get rid of the smell, we removed the sweat glands. } } Client: An improvement. } } Clerk: Yes, but then he couldn't do any work without overheating and } breaking down. People complained. Seems they want him to "lift } a finger to help out around the place" or something like that. } So, we replaced the internal organs with a combustion engine, } exhaust system, and optional air-conitioning. } } Client: Hmmm, so now he'll lift a finger? } } Clerk: Well, there was the problem of him idling all day watching } baseball or some other sport on the television. So, we removed } the eyes and replaced them with halogen headlamps. An improve- } ment, I'm sure you'll agree, but he still managed to tune the } radio to idle and listen to sport. So, we removed the ears and } installed a CD/Cassette/FM radio. Now you can tune him to suit } your needs. } } Client: Doesn't sound very nice in bed? I mean, what's left to curl up } with at night? } } Clerk: Well, the whole love thing has presented a problem to our } engineers and marketing staff. We installed bucket seats that } recline and have fully automated controls; they actually can } caress you, and with enough fiddling around you can get a half- } decent backrub. Of course, the biggest complaint in this love } category we got was that he either didn't communicate or wasn't } around to talk to. } } Client: Can you fix that? } } Clerk: Well, we installed a parking brake and this set of gauges that } indicate his internal state in an easy-to-read format. Turns } out there wasn't much to report, after all. Hunger, beer } pressure, is my fly open? That kind of thing. } } Client: Amazing. What's that red light that never goes off? } } Clerk: That's indicates whether he's thinking about sex; it went out } once in 1987, I'm told. Of course it's meaningless until the } green light comes on, indicating "I have the energy to do some- } thing about it." } } Client: Hmmm... seems like a car. } } Clerk: Well, yes, um, it... well, yes it does seem like a car... } } Client: What's left of the man part? } } Clerk: Well, it changes its own oil. } } Client: I'll take the cat. } } Clerk: May I interest you in some seedless corn or free money? } } Client: Just the cat. } } You owe the Oracle a factory rebate and a free test drive. --- 663-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All knowing and all wise Oracle, can you tell me how I can lose weight > quickly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but it will cost you an arm and a leg. --- 663-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, please tell me: > > How can I make a clean, efficient energy source for my house, using > just the following materials: > 4 toothpicks > 3 rubber bands > A tube of crazy glue > An orange > 20 feet of speaker wire > A thighmaster > 138 blue crayons And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With those materials, it is possible to make an } inexhaustable energy source. Simply dig a shallow trench, } and run the speaker wire from your fuse box to your } neighbors. Very simple, no? } } "But wait!" you might say, "What if my neigbhor finds out } and seems dissatisfied with this arrangement?" Well, you're } right. That COULD be a rub. Try explaining to him that the } All Knowing, All Seeing, and Mostly Ineffable Oracle } instructed you to do it. This may work, but if he is an } unbeliever, you will have to take more drastic steps. } Carefully explain to him that if it is the Oracles will, the } wire will be removed. } } Find a nice secluded spot in your neighbors basement near } the fuse box. Compress the thighmaster, and hold it in this } position with 2 of the rubberbands, pinned down with } toothpicks (If you were a blasphemer, you might ask how } this was possible, but I know that you are not). Next, } place the crayons on the top leaf of the thighmaster, } carefully coating each with crazy glue. Finally, place the } orange on the fuse box and connect the last rubberband to it } and one of the toothpicks that pin the other two rubberbands } down. This should be sufficient. When he gets tired of } waiting for the Oracle, and goes down to take matters into } his own hands, listen carefully. Your hard work and } devotion to the Oracle should be rewarded with a cry of } surprise as he finds himself pelted with blue crayons which } stick with the tenacity of a mongoose on a cobra. At this } point, rush down, express your sorrow, and say, in your most } reverent voice "Ineffable is the Will of the Oracle." } Explain to him that THIS, if nothing else, should make it } clear that HE is your clean, efficient energy source.