From oracle-request Mon Jul 18 08:56:32 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29660; Mon, 18 Jul 1994 08:56:32 -0500 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 08:56:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #664 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 664 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #664 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 08:56:32 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 664 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 659 68 votes 6moc4 8fof6 7epe8 eqh47 47fll 4cmm8 2bljf 5tl94 6sn92 ejhe4 659 3.0 mean 2.8 2.9 3.0 2.5 3.7 3.3 3.5 2.7 2.6 2.6 --- 664-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now listen carefully, I'm only going to say this once.. > > We have the girl. We want 10 US$ cash or she's dead. > > Be at the phone booth on 7th Ave and Bumblebud St at 17:34:31 tomorrow. > > And remember, no police, or she's birdfood.. mwha-ha-ha-ha-ha..... > > [.sig deleted -ed] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, you should know better than to threaten the Oracle, you } losers. "Bird food"? Puh-leez. } } Second of all, you left your .sig on your ransom note. Not too bright, } are we? I have already taken steps to freeze your assets in most } civilized countries. I'm not sure if your native South Africa is } included in that list this week. BTW, I've taken steps to speed } President Mandela's recovery. The Oracle is capable of many wonderful } things, but net.terrorism will not be tolerated! } } But I'm a sporting Oracle today, and I offer the following: } |====================================================================| } |//$\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//$\\| } |(10 )==================| FEDERAL RESERVE NOTE |================( 10)| } |\\$// `------========--------' \\$//| } |<< / /$\ // ____ \\ \ >>| } |>>| 12 //L\\ // ///..) \\ T2600A2600P 12 |<<| } |<<| \\ // || <|| >\ || |>>| } |>>| \$/ || $$ --/ || Ten |<<| } |<<| T2600A2600P *\\ |\_/ //* series |>>| } |>>| 12 *\\/___\_//* 1994 |<<| } |<<\ Treasurer _____/Washington\_______ Secretary 12 />>| } |//$\ `|UNITED STATES OF AMERICA|' /$\\| } |(10 )======================= TEN DOLLARS ======================( 10)| } |====================================================================| } } Don't spend it all in one place. } } You owe the Oracle a decent question. Too many easy ones this week. --- 664-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, thou who is so wise that thou can learn every single new > language that appears on the scene and still have time left over to > actually do something. > > I'm doing a lot of work on my program, and it's becoming more > functional. But, at the same time, it's getting shorter. How can this > be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mister Gates, } } Less is more. Keep working on NT, and soon you'll have CP/M. } } You owe the Oracle more, so you'll have less. --- 664-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Dear Oracle, > Grant me a boon. > It's raining outside, > and my brain has no room. > > My friend moved away, > and I feel such a wreck. > Emotions are peaking > because of her trek. > > The point of this limrick, > is coming to queue. > No loss for words > but that's nothing new. > > My quest for an answer, > is on bended knee. > I beg and beseech you, > and also I plead. > > Most knowledgeable one, > my question is this. > (though lengthy in form, > this is not a twist.) > > Why do such things hurt, > without physical pain. > When without a doubt, > tis the other's gain? > > With much thanks and groveling, > I send in this form. > May your breezes be gentle, > and light at the dawn. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle finds himself deeply and profoundly moved by your } beautifully poetic query. Unfortunately, he's now bawling his eyes out } in the corner, and thus I, the Oracular butler, will attempt to answer } your question. } } Well, supplicant, the truth is that this sort of thing happens } because..... um.... DAMN! Orrie? Hey, Orrie? (muted sobs are heard } in the background) } } Er... well... just 'cuz! } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as jzimmerman@cmcvax.claremont.edu) a } new hanky, and a polite request that he give his household staff more } vacation time. --- 664-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What new movie should I see? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Walk into your favorite video rental establishment. Select one or two } cassettes at random from each section. Walk to the middle of the store } and throw the heap into the air, preferably directly under a } functioning ceiling fan. Select the three that land the farthest away. } Take these three to the checkout stand and proceed to rent them. It is } not recommended that you try this technique more than twice a week for } any given store. } } You owe the Oracle a good method of selecting new kitchen appliances. --- 664-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of the wise Oracles, please answer this question: > > Why are there so many "flame wars" in the usenet newsgroups? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The history of flame wars go farther back than the Usenet itself does. } Historical evidence conclusively shows that wherever the written word } existed on a multipersonal level, flame wars have existed. A brief } counter-chronological view: } } 1970s: In wake of a fledgeling telecomputing society, the emergence of } local BBSs began. On the Gandalf's Den Tandy CoCo board in Cincinatti, } OH, this began: } } Killer Karl: "Man, the President sucks." } Frodo: "Shut up, Karl! Your mother sucks this year and every } year, and she puts out for bus tokens!" } } 1920s: Radio is pioneered and commercialized, giving rise to a } fledgeling radio market that would soon become known as HAM radio. We } started to hear things like: } } Bob: Man, the President sucks. Over. } Joe: No they don't! And if you want to talk about sucking, YOU } suck the milk crud off Kaiser Wilhelm's mustache... (remainder } of tirade edited for brevity) } (The FCC would be founded later.) } } 1890s: The birth of two important milestones in the history of flame } wars: the public bathroom and the ball-point pen. Thus: } } "Teddy Roosevelt is a snit." } "Snit this, you redneck Know-Nothing" } "You boys just finish your necessaries, and move along." } "Who are you, pretty-boy? Some kind of English limpwrist?" } And so on. } } 1770s: Newspapers become an important part of colonial America. Editors } began expressing partisan opinions. } } Editor: "The king is a snit!" } Letter to the Editor: "Ye jelly-testicled revolutionist half-wit! } The king is NOT a snit!" } Letter to the Letter writer: "Get ye off his case, ye Tory } highbrow gutter whore! Snits do not come bigger than the King!" } Et. Cie } } 10 B.C.s: The birth of religious flame wars began. Despite rampant } illiteracy and scarcity of paint brushes, flamers still found ways to } paint on doctor's offices: } } "Thou shouldst not abort thine fetuses!" } "Get thee hence, fanatic! Wouldst that thy mother would have } aborted thee!" } And so on. } } 1,000,000 B.C.s: Technically, the written word didn't exist yet, but } there were still flames. } } Og: (picture of well-endowed caveman killing a mastodon.) } Zug: (picture of same well-endowed caveman doing naughty things } under a mastodon). } Og: (picture of same well-endowed caveman strangling the life out } of another ill-endowed caveman for painting dirty things about } him). } } In short, supplicant, your answer is: Flame wars go way back. And } they'll probably be around in a different incarnation sometime in the } near future. } } Marius X-127: *The universal emperor is a snit.* } Jacob Z-774: *Oh, good one, limpbrain. Who let you on the Free } Floating Telepathic Matrix with an IQ of only 305? Somebody } feel sorry for you in the acceptance hearing?* } } You owe the Oracle a ball point pen and a roll of toilet paper. --- 664-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, the hairs of whose beard I am unworthy to floss with, > please grant me but the tiniest pearl of your great wisdom. And not > one of those cheap imitation pearls -- I want one of the good ones! > > When will the UAW strike against Caterpillar end so that I can stop > driving over an hour to work 12 hour days seven days a week in a > factory and typing on this clunky old grease covered vt100 terminal > when I should be sipping coffee in my nice office which is only minutes > from home while I type out my e-mail on my HP 9000/735 unix box with > the 17" color monitor which is larger than my TV set at home? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd be happy to answer this question for you. The UAW strike against } Caterpillar will end on--*sudden burst of gunfire* What are YOU people } doing in here? Aaaagh! No, honestly, I wasn't going to give the } correct day! You can't do this to a fount of wis*static********** --- 664-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise on, please tell me of strange foreign customs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The only three things you need to know anywhere in the world are: } } (i) What to eat } (ii) Where to sleep } (iii) How to get laid } } Here's a list for a number of foreign countries you may visit. } } CHINA } ----- } (i) Check the dust behind the shop. If you find any animal tracks } bigger that 5" across, order a bowl of plain rice. } (ii) Pagodas are not advised for those with a tendancy to sleepwalk on } the roof. } (iii) Say "Coca Cola" to each attractive member of the opposite sex you } meet. There's bound to be some part of China where it's written with } characters meaning "kiss me quick". } } BRAZIL } ----- } (i) Despite what you may have read in Papillion, not all that bad. } (ii) Very difficult at the best of times and completely impossible } during the Mardi Gras. Scientists in Rio are now working on a new form } of ear plug claimed to filter out 98% of the sound of a guiro. Ecstatic } whooping remains an open area in earplug research. } (iii) No difficulties should present themselves, especially during the } Mardi Gras. But you should prepare first. Start training by building up } to 100 situps each morning, followed by a 10 mile run, and five hours } of aerobics. Then, get REALLY fit before you even dare step on the } plane. } } UNITED STATES OF AMERICA } ------------------------ } (i) Despite what you learnt in noodle-shops in Japan, it is NOT good } manners in America to drink the fat from your plate after eating. } (ii) American guest houses are the friendliest in the world. Upon } arriving you will be welcomed as if you are long lost family. The next } day you will take their freckled son "Brad" to a baseball game. Don't } get concerned when the team is three runs down in the last innings with } two outs and loaded bases, Brad will hit a home run. Always remember to } leave your name and address with the guest house so that they can leave } you someting in their will. } (iii) Look for girl with a flash car whining "Daddieeee Daddieee } PLEEEAZE!" into mobile phone. Walk by pretending to be emotionally } crippled, as learnt from observing Woody Allen movies. Prepare to hold } onto nearest lampost for dear life. } } SAUDI ARABIA } ------------ } (i) Goatsmilk yogurt, goatsmilk cheese, curdled goatsmilk pie, } McGoatsmilk, Kentucky fried Goatsmilk, Goatsmilk pizza. What more could } you ask for? } (ii) On first arrival it may appear that there are plentiful tents } unattended in the streets. Do not attempt to enter one of these tents, } her husband may get angry. } (iii) Get in taxi. Ask for airport. Specify destination of 'home'. Look } up old girlfriend. } } THAILAND } -------- } (i) "Gosh I'm glad we came to Thailand this year. That Indian food was } so hot it brought me out in a sweat. Hmmm. This looks nice } YEOOOWWW!!!!!" } (ii) Not advisable until after your recently acquired partner has left } the room, WITHOUT your wallet. } (iii) You will go to a bar. A young thing will sit on your lap. She } will show you her breasts. Do NOT look at the breasts, this is a } diversionary measure. Look at her crotch. If it bulges, run for the } hills. } } You owe The Oracle twelve gallons of bottled water, an inflatable } sleeping bag, and some prophy.... erm, you get the picture. --- 664-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, nameless faceless omniscient entity that you are, > please tell me, if the RICH get RICHER and the POOR get POORER > then why is there a middle class? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Seeker, } } Just in case you have not noticed, and I will assume from your question } that you have not, there is no middle class in America. There are the } rich and there are the poor. That is all. Since the status of rich or } poor is solely self-defined, people will choose one extreme or another } when describing their plight. Radio show pundits have repeatedly stated } that the tax burden always falls squarely on the middle class; who } would want that? When asked for money, most folks reply that they are } poor. When watching news programs about Haiti, they suddenly decide } that they are rich. No matter who you are (with the possible exception } of Bill Gates) you could always be richer. No matter who you are (with } the possible exception of Johnny Carson on alimony day) you could } always be poorer. } } Incidentally, it is the RICH get RICH and the POOR get CHILDREN. } } You owe the Oracle a Monopoly set, a loan from the Arkansas Development } and Finance Authority ($2.85 million in small bills), and a copy of } _Small is Beautiful_. } } Penny-wise and pound-foolish, } The Oracle (incarnating as DrNucleus@AOL.COM) --- 664-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle: > > My BungeeWok (tm) got here today. Now that I have it, how does it > *work*? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your BungeeWok (tm) is a sophisticated recreational and cooking device. } Here are the instructions: } } Provide vegetables, diced meat, spices and a Chinese recipe, Grand } Canyon, charcoal. } } Go to Grand Canyon. } Put ingrediants in the top part of the BungeeWok. } Put the charcoal in the bottom part. } Light the Charcoal. } Tie the red strap to your sneaker. } Tie the blue strap to a tree. } Run into the Canyon. } } If done properly, the bungee cord will stop your fall, the top } compartment will fly open, the cooked food will spew into your mouth } (note, make sure that you do NOT put the burning charcoal in the wrong } compartment) thus feeding and entertaining you simultaneously. At this } point the Park Rangers will come in a helicopter to issue you a } citation, the burning charcoal will land on the fuel line of the } helicopter causing an explosion. The force of the explosion will } propel you back up to the top of the Grand Canyon. } } This device is another fine consumer item from Cyrus Cybernetics Corp. } } The Usenet Oracle (incarnated as miked@ikos.com) } } You owe the Oracle a home video of you using it. --- 664-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose reign spans centuries, tell this ignorant > supplicant > > Did you ever have sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You feeble-minded creature. How boring and listless your life must be. } When confronted with the opportunity to ask a question of me all you } can think of is some generic question that was designed specifically } for a thirteen-year-old at a slumber party making prank calls. Since } you have so utterly disgusted me with your lack of originality I shall } donate to your lost soul the answer to your question and the only } logical consequence that it could bring about. The consequence I refer } to is, of course, death. Do not attempt to run away from your computer } screen like a coward or turn the computer off and act as though nothing } has happened. Sit down and wipe that stupid look off of your face. } } If you knew anything about me at all, you would know that I am } constantly having sex. This is accomplished with the help of my holy } assistant who periodically pours Dennis Hopper's special soy sauce into } a mixing unit that feeds directly into my circuitry. No, you cannot } have the ingredients. The product of my sexual activity, which is } transported to my wine cellar by uncooked elbow macaroni that is glued } together by Tibetan sloth mucus, is cranberry juice. My holy assistant } has the job of selling this cranberry juice on the black market in } order that he may have the financial backing necessary to purchase } Dennis Hopper's special soy sauce. } } Of course, it is not required that I be having sex constantly and } abstinence would not affect my performance in this medium. I can stop } at any time. I will demonstrate. All last night, sat on the levee and } moaned. See? I stopped having sex and now I have started up again. } Did you feel it? You experienced a slight shudder and a feeling that } you wanted to laugh at some elf in a faraway, distant land. But the } feeling is gone now. } } You owe the Oracle three trips to Harry's Sex Parlour and a } glow-in-the-dark night stand carved in the shape of Lisa Loeb's naked } body.