From oracle-request Wed Jul 27 08:40:02 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA12082; Wed, 27 Jul 1994 08:40:02 -0500 Date: Wed, 27 Jul 1994 08:40:02 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #667 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 667 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #667 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 27 Jul 1994 08:40:02 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 667 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 662 77 votes 3ptg4 3prh5 2croc 3gpmb 4hwg8 cdkkc bur54 9jue5 cdlid cold7 662 3.0 mean 2.9 2.9 3.4 3.3 3.1 3.1 2.5 2.8 3.1 2.7 --- 667-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how to get boimedical engineering in USA and canada Email? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There isn't a simple answer to your question. Let's look at some of } the options and see if any suit your needs: } } 1) Join the Air Force or NASA as a test pilot, and get } severely injured crashing a prototype. This method is not } recommended, due to the high costs, starting from six million } US dollars. } } 2) Join the police force, and get severely injured during a } drugs bust or other operation. The drawbacks with this one } include the obligatory traffic duty and the fact that certain } types of women are highly attracted to you afterwards but the } police designers see no reason to add "those extra bits". } You'll probably also have to fight a giant android police } robot to keep your job every so often, and there's often } various classified software "features" written into your Prime } Objectives by programmers who ought to know better. } } 3) Become a pirate and have your hand blown away during a } naval action. This can then be replaced with a hook or a pair } of pincers. This method is frequently used to obtain } biomedical engineering, especially among villains in Bond } movies, but it is probably not what you are looking for. } } 4) Join the Beresford University of Medicine and volunteer for } experimental research. While you may be disappointed with the } results, there is a finite chance that you will be selected } for the cyborb vats. Here your brain will be mounted in a } machine and you will find you have the strength of ten men, } etc, etc. Note, however, that there are likely to be side } effects of an unpredictable nature. Beresford University of } Medicine are currently under investigation for unethical } behaviour, so you will need to be quick. } } 5) Find the yellow brick road. At one end you will find the } Wizard of Oz, who conducts biomedical experiments. Be warned } that you might end up with certain behavioural deficiencies, } such as a lack of courage, educational difficulties, obsession } with rainbows or an overwhelming tendancy to wear red shoes. } } 6) DIY, preferably with a group of like-minded friends is an } option. A life of crime-fighting is often selected. } } 7) Join Knight Industries as a janitor. Not everyone realises } that Kit, the Knightrider car, was once Eustace Stuckley, an } ageing site maintenance man. } } 8) Stavros (S.T.A.Vros@dalek.supreme.headquarters.edu) may be } worth contacting now that all public buildings are required to } have disabled access ramps. } } 9) Startrek (TNG) have some unfinished projects on the slab. } } That should be enough to be getting on with. You owe the } Oracle an arm and a leg. } } The Oracle (Incarned as the Haz) --- 667-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how > long would it take a 2-foot caterpillar to kick the pits out of a > 12-pound watermelon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If half-hens can lay half-eggs, then we must be on the planet Xerkom, } famous for its small omelettes. This planet is ruled by the } watermelons, who took over after the dictator "The Great Pumpkin" was } overthrown on October 31. The watermelons promised change to the } inhabitants of Xerkom, but they have become extremely ineffectual } leaders (after all, have you ever heard the phrase "and the watermelon } shall lead us to victory!" I didn't think so). } An underground movement of caterpillars has formed, rebelling against } the pathetic laws of the watermelons. Once the watermelons found } out about the caterpillar rebillion, they immediately passed 3 laws } to crush the rebellion: } 1. All rebelling parties must register at the newly formed Registry of } Rebellions, where they will receive an informational packet and a } bumper sticker. } 2. All officially registered rebelling parties must bring their weapons } to the Secret Weapons Storage and Disposal Plant, located at 1 Seedless } Way. } 3. All officially registered rebelling parties will be granted } free access into the capital city, with their weapons, so they may } dispose of them at the Secret Weapons Storage and Disposal Plant at } a convenient time. } Needless to say, the caterpillars registered, brought all their } weapons into the city, and proceeded to overthrow the government. } They nearly succeeded, except the caterpillars feasted on the } watermelons, and they started to cocoon. } But during that rebellion, a 2-foot caterpillar was observed to kick } the pits out of a 12-pound watermelon faster than The Great Pumpkin } could eat a small omelette. } } You owe the Oracle a bumper sticker from the Registry of Rebellions. --- 667-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, Who Makes Routers Tremble and Rainbow Packets Stop, > You That Rule The Net, Please Answer This Humble Question of Poor > Supplicant! > > My computer appears to have a personality of its own, and judging from > its behavior (which is completely independent of the programs I want to > run) I can say that my PC is female. Not the kind that leans on your > shoulder and drags you away from keyboard to make out, but the kind > that eats your paycheck for lunch and takes you shopping instead of > dinner. Every day, my PC demands new software, cards, drives, etc. I > used to be very nice to her and gave her whatever she wanted, but I > couldn't feed her and take her shopping for a month (because I was > broke!). She was so angry that she blew her motherboard and made me > upgrade to Pentium - after sacrificing my mountain bike to pay for it. > > Oh Oracle, please advise me how to lower her appetites! This is a > matter of life and death! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The solution to this most common problem is quite simple really. Now } get ready to follow my instructions once you finish reading... } } 1. Turn computer off. } 2. Unplug all connections (mouse, keyboard, etc) } 3. Unplug power cord. } 4. Pack computer in box or the like. } 5. Take her to a computer shop. } 6. Tell the sales assistant that you would like to trade in your } computer for something more manly. } 7. Assistant should realise what your problem is and supply you with } your new computer and a bill } 8. Take your newly acquired Apple-Macintosh home and set it up as } you want it. } } There you go, in eight easy steps you have solved all your computing } problems. No longer will you have to put up with the computer's } feminine qualities, you are now a proud owner of an Apple-Mac - the } male computer. Your new computer will display all the signs of } manliness. The only problems with this is that you will now need to } share your beer and girlfriend with the computer - and it may spend } much of the time doing nothing at all, but at least you won't be } spending money on it. } } You owe the Oracle five unused 3.5" high density floppy discs and a } new mouse. } } PS: Don't leave your new computer alone with an IBM compatible or you } will end up with lots of Sega Mega Drives. --- 667-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, purveyor of culinary delights and > owner of the official sausage, please help me > solve my cuisinary quandry: > > A few weeks ago I found an old Prussian recipe > book hidden away in a trunk in my attic. The > book seems to be a collection of recipes for > wild fowl. I have already tried the Mallard > Schnitzel. It was excellent. > > I am now ready to prepare the next dish, a fowl > sausage. The book explains that is similar to > a bratwurst, but, of course made from wild birds. > I went out and shot a goose and a wild turkey, > and need only one more bird. > > Oh Oracle, where can I find a tern for the wurst? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The manuscript which you describe is older than you think. Its } origins date back to the Holy Roman Empire, in 1521, the year Charles } V called Martin Luther forth to answer for his 95 Theses. Luther not } only converted a great many in that assembly to his teachings, he } also shared his love for poultry and best recipes for preparing } birds. Luther's tips were recorded for posterity by the scribe who } kept the minutes of that famous meeting, of which you have discovered } a partial copy. To answer your question, the proper technique for } capturing uberlandseawingen (or the Rhone tern) may be found in the } full notes of that august body, the Diet of Worms. } } Of course, the secret to preparing luftwurst is not the freshness of } the bird; rather, it is the herbs with which you season it. Luther } took his hints from the book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3, which would } also later inspire the Byrds to sing: } } "To everything there is a seasoning...tern, tern, tern." } } Naturally, Luther had his own preference of herb, which soon became a } tradition. That is why, even today, you will hear luftwurst referred } to as the Wurst of Thymes. --- 667-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Wise and Mighty Oracle, Seer of Seven Distinct Ages of Earth, > Mastress of the Seven Universal Flames of Truth, Keeper of the Exalted > Orgones, Priest of the Cult of the Dark Mother Shub-Niggurath, Who is > the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, I thus call upon > your ancient wisdom and incredibleness in general to answer this, the > question which has for Eight of the Distinct Ages of Earth plagued Man > in all his incarnations: > > Tell me just what in the hell a philtrum is. That wacky third-ager > and FALSE PROPHETEER Stevie King has an independent publishing house > called Philtrum Press. I'm pretty sure I know but I need thy most holy > and exalted opinion. > Consultations with the Book of Armaments have proved fruitless. > > Most Sincerely in Your Holiness that I Might One Day Aspire To Kiss > thy Anointed and Most Holy O-Ring, > > Charlton Heston ("Let my people GO") And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A philtrum is the smooth indentation running from the bottom } of your nose to your upper lip. It is called "philtrum" after } the Greek word "philtrum" (the etymology is clearer if you know } that in Ancient Greek, the dipthong "ph" is pronounced "ph"), } meaning "the grip of a bow." The Greeks belived that the grip of } Eros' (Cupid, to you Johnny-come-lately Romans) bow looked like } the area between their lips and noses. The Greeks also drank wine } out of lead vessels. } In one of those interesting historical sidenotes that you've } come to know and love, Eros also drank wine out of lead vessels; } perhaps not coincidentally, he also thought that the grip of his } bow looked like the area between your lip and nose. When he got } tipsy, he'd look for his bow, but wind up drunkenly yanking on } the upper lips and noses of mortals. This explains a lot about } love, actually. } } You owe the Oracle wine, women, and song. --- 667-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Darling muscular and really-smart Oracle: > > What's the best way for a guy to tell his girlfriend that she's ugly > and stupid and has real bad B.O. and he doesn't ever want to touch her > again and he can't understand why he ever went out with her in the > first place but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings too much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Let's be friends." } } (That's what the girls always use.) --- 667-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose zeroes have more value than my ones, > > Recently a computer salesman tried to sell me a spreadshit program. > That sounds nasty. I can understand that a farmer might need it in > his fields, but why would anyone want a spreadshit program in their > office? Yuck! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The SPREAD$HIT(TM) program, first used by ROBERT } McElwaine, PHYSICIST, is the most effective program } in THE history of HISTORY ITSELF. Just before McElwaine } left the NET to retire in the BAHAMAS, McElwaine was } LISTED as the BIGGE$T spreader of $HIT, and the third } biggest spreader of ANYTHING, on THE internet (AS accord- } ing TO news.lists). } } More recently the PROGRAM has been U$ED by a band of } SELFLE$$ altruists who wish to SMA$H the barriers dividing } different RACES, creeds, and RELIGION$ by ensuring everybody } on earth HAS A green CARD. } } UNFORTUNATELY a legal challenge to SPREAD$HIT(TM) has ap- } peared on the HORIZON. Microsoft claims that, with MILLIONS } of COPIES of Microsoft DOS $OLD over the LAST decade, it is } already well established in the BUSINESS of spreading } shit, and is LAUNCHING a "look and feel" LAW$UIT. } } In other words, you SHOULD buy that program NOW, you } MAY not have ANOTHER chance. } } You owe THE ORACLE some dirt on MICRO$OFT that I can } use to SCARE them off. } } Un-altered reproduction and dissemination of this $HIT is ENCOURAGED. --- 667-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > when is the beginning of time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: Complete, total, utter darkness. Pitch black. Nothingness. } Absolute, uninterrupted vacuum from horizon to horizon, or at least } there would be if there *were* horizons, which there aren't. In the } middle of all this nothing there is a muted "BAMF" {actually there } *isn't* a muted "BAMF" -- there isn't any sound at all in a vacuum -- } but for the sake of the story we're assuming Star Trek physics here} } as the Oracle and a dazed Supplicant appear.] } } Oracle: Okay. Now don't look directly at that spot over there, } because you'll collapse the probability wave. } } Supplicant: HEY, it's FREEZ-- } } [The Supplicant, exposed to a temperature of 0 Kelvin, shatters.] } } Oracle: Yuck! } } You owe the Oracle a way of cleaning up this mess in the 10^-53 seconds } before the Universe begins. Better think fast.... --- 667-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Oracle, what's going on with your newsgroups? I've been reading > rec.humor.oracle, but now there's something called alt.humor.oracle. Is > this something set up by the antichrist or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In recent years we (meaning me, Lisa, and the assorted priests) have } had increasing problems with the high traffic on rec.humor.oracle; } it was bad enough when we were just getting as many posts as alt.sex } and rec.arts.startrek combined, but when we hit the 5000/day mark, we } were starting to break low-quality newsreaders, some of which choked so } badly that the people using them now get maybe one post every couple } of days. As a result, we are splitting the group, and in keeping with } our cosmic nature, we are splitting from the big-end instead of the } more usual little-end split. You have already seen alt.humor.oracle } (intended as the evil twin to this group, which is why it has that } air of pure malevolence you noticed), and you can look forward to } the following groups, which will gradually come into existence of } the next five years: } } sci.humor.oracle -- for discussions of the technology of } omniscience. } } talk.humor.oracle -- for people who don't so much want to ask } questions, but just to chat with Lisa, or me, or Lisa, or one } of the priests, or Lisa. } } soc.humor.oracle -- see above, replacing "chat" with some other } word of the same length. } } news.humor.oracle -- for discussions of the Grand Oraclular } Reorganization as it happens. } } misc.humor.oracle -- miscellaneous questions for the Oracle } (henceforth, only *entertaining* questions will be allowed in } rec.humor.oracle). } } net.humor-oracle -- a group created already obsolete, to save } time. } } is.humor.oracle -- all of the above, in Icelandic. } } You owe the Oracle a yes-vote when the CFV arrives. --- 667-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and magnificent Oracle, whose breath smells like... > gag...wheeze. > > Well forget that. > > Tell me, why is everyone so excited about Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet > striking Jupiter? Wouldn't we get much better CNN coverage if > the 100 million megaton comet were to hit Los Angeles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I don't know why everyone else is so interested, but I can } tell why I'm tuned to CNN every night. It's because I'm } PISSED OFF. I had LAND RIGHTS on the big Jupertino! I was } going to make untold trillions four centuries from now } selling methane to passing ships! It was going to be glorious. } } Then along comes Mr. "Oh-I'm-just-a-little-fragile-comet-and-you're- } -such-a-big-planet-and-why-don't-I-just-crack-under-the-pressure- } and-collide-with-you" Shoemaker-Levy 9 (the BASTARD), and gives } my planet, MY PLANET, a million megaton kick in the head. Who's } going to want to buy comet-splattered methane now, huh? Nobody, } that's who. My retirement's gone to hell and it's all that } stupid chunck of primordial ice's fault. } } You owe the Oracle mining and development rights on Venus.