From oracle-request Sun Jul 31 15:51:01 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA11445; Sun, 31 Jul 1994 15:51:01 -0500 Date: Sun, 31 Jul 1994 15:51:01 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #668 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 668 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #668 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 31 Jul 1994 15:51:01 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 668 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 663 74 votes apje6 agsj1 aktc3 atka5 5kud6 8hpj5 6klgb 26ppg 37okk 4lpl3 663 3.0 mean 2.7 2.8 2.7 2.6 2.9 2.9 3.1 3.6 3.6 3.0 --- 668-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a relationship between a real love and sex? > Or are they used together ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Love and sex are distinct entities, but both are required in a } successful relationship. Allow me to demonstrate. } } Consider a relationship based purely on sex: } } "Do you want to have sex tonight?" } "*sigh* OK." } "Is something wrong?" } "Yes. *sob* You never take me anywhere!" } } Now, compare this with a relationship of all love and no sex: } } "Do you want to go out tonight?" } "*sigh* OK." } "Is something wrong?" } "Yes. *sob* You never *take me* anywhere!" } } Hope that helps. } } You owe the Oracle either an evening of mad, passionate sex or a } night out bowling. --- 668-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, I think you're the nazz. OK, let's get down to brass tax: > > What is the smartest animal of all? Why? > > Love, Gloria And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Gloria, } } The Oracle tried several different approaches to resolve this } question. The results perturbed me deeply. } } ====== } } 1. My first attempt was to base my conclusion on a sheer } brain-to-body-mass ratio. } } Under this criteria, homo sapiens rate rather high on the scale. } However, the theory does not fit the observed facts. Most people } have about the same size brain regardless of body size, therefore } skinny people should be smarter than fat people (Just look at } Rush Limbaugh or Ted Kennedy). } } Proponents of this theory point to Laurel and Hardy, Abbot } and Costello, George Bush and Bill Clinton as examples where the } skinnier partner is twice as smart as the fatter one. The Oracle } must point out that all multiples of zero are still zero. } } 2. My next attempt was based on measuring the animal's ability to } get the most out of life with putting the least amount of effort } into the process. } } Homo sapiens once again rated high on this scale, particularly } the sub-species, politician americanis. However, even they are } surpassed by one other creature. -- Consider this, if you knew a } person who was conceited, arrogant, lazy and spent his entire } life doing nothing more than eating and sleeping; could you love } him? (Forget, for the moment, that you may be married to him.) } Now, take that same personality and wrap it in a fur-lined body, } give it four feet and call it a cat, and see what you get. } } 3. My third attempt was to put the issue to a popular vote. By } this measure, slime molds won in a landslide. } } Charges by Amoebas International that the slime molds stuffed the } ballot boxes were totally unfounded. Although there are more } amoebas than there are slime molds, political analysts state that } the amoebas split their vote between the pro-tozoa and pro-tien } factions in the party. This is confusing, particularly in a } species that reproduces asexually. } } Given the relatively low crime rate and absolutely zero drug } abuse among slime molds there just might be something to the } intelligence of this species. Sure, not too many of them have } PhDs, but don't confuse education with intelligence. } } ====== } } Finally, I decided that I would have to actually test each } species with a problem solving exercise. In a simulation, I } arranged for comet Schumaker-Levy to smash into the earth. } } The homo sapien thought he was under attack by a foreign power, } launched all his missiles and blew up the planet. } } The cat was giving itself a bath and didn't notice. } } The slime mold simply slithered across the lawn and turned into } spores. Once again, proving its superiority. } } ====== } } You owe the Oracle 29 gazillion dollars for postage on the } absentee ballots. --- 668-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why isn't toast brown on the inside? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, finally, an easy question. This week alone, I've had } fifty-three questions on what to do with Haitian refugees, } seventeen questions on the proper approach to U.S. dollar } declines, one hundred and twenty-one questions on how to } get a date with the only woman in the CS department, and } three hundred seventy-two you know whats. } } I won't even have to access the databases for this one. } You see, the heat of dissociation for carbohydrate chains } is less than the mean-time integral heat for center-of-mass } bodies. That is, by the time that, according to Maxwell's } equations, enough energy has been transmitted... } } Why what? Oh, well, heat is transferred through neighboring } molecules by a number of methods. Most importantly, shared } electron-shells (not to be confused with electron shell } binding) can traslate vibrational energy through van der Wohl } dispersion forces, and thus... } } What do you mean how? That's just basic physics. You see, } each molecule is comprised of a series of probabilty } distributions of electrons, and since they are shared between } atoms within the molecule... } } Umm, let me think. Okay, let me put it this way. The dipole } moment of an individual atom or molecule can be thought of } as a distribution of charge. So the attraction between two } non-uniform charged objects... } } What? That's simple electroweak theory. Intermediate vector } bosons, or photons in this case, act as intermediaries to } convey attraction. If you think of it as Heisenberg Uncertainty } acting on two objects of uncertain position, you can see that } there... } } Come on, supplicant. You aren't even trying now. Everybody } knows this one. The product of the momentum and the position } of a particle is a constant, put in *ahem* layman's terms. } } All right! I'm getting a little tired of this! It's that } way *because* *I* *said* *so*, okay? } } *ZOT* --- 668-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > King Kong Bundy Hosting the top ten fat wrestler guys doing their top > ten best sweaty body splashes... > Movies- top ten chick movies that make a guy belch > 1.Buck tooth Cavity Monster, Starring Marie Osmond with Donny Osmond as > her lover...2.I've had a sex operation and I look like my > brother,starring Janet Jackson as Michaeel...3.I am really a man but > nobody will believe me, starring Bea Arthur as herself...4.I am woman > hear me WHOOCHEECOOCHEEE starring Charro...5.Look at me I can't sing, > starring Frank sinatra and his liquor...6. Da Jack what's with you, > starring Suzanne Summers as chrissie 7.Brunette Bimbo on the Moon, > starring shannon Doherty as Brenda... 8. Bionic Horse Maneur, starring > Lindsay Wagner as Jamie and Lee Majors as Steve austin...9. That Poor > Old Denture,starring Carol Channing...10, The church of prehistoric > saints,the untold story, starring Miccael Douglas as Adam, and Madonna > as Eve, with Jim Carrey as Satan And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you. You have just demonstrated very nicely for us why cousins } should never marry. } } You owe the Oracle another question, when you are back on the } medication please. --- 668-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle *wipes sweat from forehead* I need some help. > > I'm a member of the Queensland Police Service's Bomb disposal > squad and I'm at a job now. A mad bomber has placed a bomb > aboard a City Council Bus so that if it's speed drops below > 55kph it will explode, presuming I defuse it how can I > sell the rights for this story with out being sued by the > film makers who made 'Speed'? Also I'm not sure > should I cut the red wire or the blue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } Let me address the more immediate danger first. Do not } cut those wires! Do not cut any wires! It's a trap -- it's } made to look like any simple, run-of-the-mill highly } complicated explosive device. Here's what you need to do: } } 1) Acquire a cellular telephone. This is most easily done } by leaping into a passing Jaguar convertible, grabbing the } phone from the driver's hand, shouting "He'll call you } back -- if he's not dead," and then jumping back on to } the bus. } } 2) Call Dennis Hopper. Ask him if he would like to do } lunch sometime. } } a) If Hopper agrees to lunch, ask him politely if he } will give you a lot of money. } i) If he says yes, you're done. Just hop into the } next passing convertible. Tell the passengers that } you're just going to get supplies, then turn away } and smile menacingly. } ii) If he says no, you're screwed. You might as well } stay and become a national hero. } } b) If Hopper does not agree to lunch, ask him if he } knows anything about bombs, or who the mad bomber } might be. } i) If he says he does know something, just hang up. } He's insane -- don't listen to him. } ii) If he says he doesn't know anything, you have } found the mad bomber. Tell the police to go nab } him. You will know that they have arrived when } the bus explodes in a ball of fire. } } 3) In case 2.a.ii or 2.b.i, you still have work to do. } You have several options at this point, depending on } what you have available to you. } } a) If you have the cast of "Gilligan's Island" on board, } have Ginger and Mary Ann do a strip tease in front of } the hidden camera (Mr. Howell can supply some cash to } the passengers to put in their panties), and send the } Professor to defuse the bomb. Throw Gilligan out the } window. } } b) If you have a bunch of old cast iron bathtubs on board, } as well as some heavy Kevlar blankets, just have the } passengers get into those. Discuss with the driver } whether you should slam on the emergency brake and dive } into a tub "on three," or if you should count "one, two, } three -- and then go." In either case, remember to mention } to the driver that you are "too old for this sh*t." } } c) If you have William Shatner on board, have him engage } the bomb in a battle of wits. He will logically maneuver } the bomb into a position where it has no choice but to } explode. While the bomb is processing, remove it from the } bus and step on the gas. } } d) If you have several hundred thousand cans of 7UP on board, } look inside them until you find one with the words "Uncola } Island," printed on the bottom of the can. At this point, } follow the instructions inside the can -- you will soon } be whisked away to a tropical paradise. } } e) If you have Richard Dean Anderson on board, point him to } the bomb, give him plenty of chewing gum, and relax -- he'll } figure it out. } } f) If all else fails, try putting aluminum foil on the ends of } the red and blue wires, smack the side of the bomb with your } hand a few times, and then slouch on a seat and stare } mindlessly at it for the rest of the day. } } If you have managed to follow these directions, McDonald's } will be happy to buy the movie rights from you. To avoid any } possible legal hassles, they will insert a wheelchair-bound boy } and a cute, friendly alien, into the script. } } You owe the oracle your life. --- 668-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle...oh, Oracle... > > What do you call the flap of skin that hangs down in the back of your > mouth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know what YOU call it (pervert...), but the world calls it a } Uvula, pronounced "You-Vue-Lah". Named, of course, after the Roman } Godess Uvuliptides, the Godess of pendulous hanging things. } } She didn't have quite as nice a figure as Venus's. } } You owe the Oracle a 14-hour bra and a sucker. --- 668-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and awe-inspiring, please tell me: > > What kind of a name is "Kinzler", anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Kinzler" is derived from the Proto-Indo-Arabian verb "kinz," meaning } "to ask unanswerable questions." The suffix "ler" is actually from } ancient Sanskrit, meaning "often." --- 668-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom laid end to end would encompass the globe > 27 times, > > I am planning to start up a chain of lemonade stands in my hometown. To > run all the other kids out of business, how many stands will I need per > block, and what would the proper Country Tyme-to-water ratio be to get > best taste for lowest cost? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, forget everything you know about economics. Economics is } a myth taught in business colleges. The real world doesn't work like } that. } } For a reasonable fee (reasonable to me, that is), I can arrange } to have you put into the same category as banks, gambling casinos, } insurance companies and the IRS. That is, "If you're not winning, } change the rules." } } ====== } } To run the other kids out of business: } } 1. Contribute generously to the campaign of, or give some hot } investment tips to, (see also BRIBE) a few Congressmen to pass a } law putting an involuntary investment contribution (see also TAX) } on rich lemonade stand owners. Once the legislation passes, } redefine rich to mean anyone making any kind of profit. Make the } tax reverse-time compliant (see also RETROACTIVE). } } 2. Make sure the stands are EPA compliant: } } - Have the any of the competition's locations that are located } within 50 feet of a puddle redesignated as a wetlands. } } - Have the any stand located within 50 feet of a garbage can } condemned as a toxic waste site. } } - Have lemons proclaimed an endangered species. } } - Require an environmental impact statement for all new stand } start-ups. } } 3. Make sure the stands are OSHA compliant: } } - Require that all stands have seller's side air bags and can } sustain a 20G side impact. } } - Require that all stands have a designated non-smoking area } of three miles, and enforce it. } } - Invoke child labor laws. Redefine child if necessary. } } 4. Litigate the bastards out of existence. } } - Lodge a discrimination or sexual harassment suit against } your competitors. This should be easy to do. Most kids don't like } grown-ups. Claim age discrimination. } } - File a product liability suit. Assert that lemonade drinking } is hazardous to your health and has been proven to cause cancer } in laboratory slugs. You don't have to prove this claim, the } National Enquirer and 60 Minutes will make it seem true even if } it isn't. } } 5. Organize a demonstration or boycott } } - Tell the right-to-lifers that a lemon fruit is actually an } unborn lemon tree. } } - Point out that lemons come from [fill in name of country } here] noted for its dictatorial government and lack of human } rights } } - Unionize stands and immediately organize a strike. } } - Claim that other fruits have been harmed in the harvesting of } lemons. } } ====== } } How you make a killing in the business: } } After the completion is eliminated, open up a lemonade stand. } Redefine lemonade. As to the Country-Tyme-to-water ratio. Who } cares? You're a monopoly. } } You owe the Oracle a fresh squeeze. --- 668-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and omnipotent oracle ... Riddle me this: > When does the clock taste red? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When you eat it, silly. } } During the flood of New Deal legislation in the mid and late 1930's, } it was made aware to the Roosevelt administration that people, in } their desperation to get sustenance, were eating almost anything they } could lay their hands on. This included relatively common household } appliances, such as clocks. These elegant timepieces were expensive, } but since the Roaring 20's had just passed, many people owned clocks } since people were just into buying everything they could lay their } hands on. Unfortunately, during those days, clocks were not made } very tasty. } } So a little-known piece of New Deal legislation, passed in 1937, was } written to say that all clocks must taste red, a particularly tasty } piece of the visual spectrum, provide one can tolerate the near- } infared portion. Clockmakers worked laboriously to impliment this } change, and it was eventually discovered that a cheap process for } making clocks that tasted red did exist. Standarization quickly } caused all clocks produced after 1940 to taste red. } } Two interesting side notes: In 1933, to feed the people of Germany, } Adolf Hitler ordered that clocks be made that tasted black. Black, } being a very inexpensive taste, also causes certain acute but } indeterminate behavioural changes. History speaks for itself. } } Another is that, in the early 1950's, it was mistakenly thought that } red clocks contained trace but significant amounts of cyanide, } triggering the so-called 'Red Scare'. The panic passed only when } Senator Joseph McCarthy ate a 120-foot replica of Big Ben with no ill } effects. --- 668-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I ship a load of packing peanuts?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pack them up in a suitably-sized rigid container that has no other use. } I recommend a Yugo. Park it just uphill from the shipping docks. Put } wheel chocks under the wheels, and set the parking brake. } } Stuff the peanuts in tightly, until they begin to make those little } tiny foam-peanut screams of anguish. You know the ones I mean? First } they make little squeaks, but then they really start to complain as you } push more and more in. Just pretend you have a job working for the } Tokyo Subway while you ignore the sound and keep pushing. Slam the hood } on them. } } Seal the doors and windows with duct tape. Put the address ("Robert } Dole, US Senate, Washington DC") on the roof, plainly visible, and } write "Not Fragile" above it. The shipping clerks who routinely ignore } boxes marked "Fragile" will take special note of this one and kick it } around a bit. } } Remove the wheel chocks and let the Yugo roll down to the dock. Don't } worry if it falls in, it will float. Tell the clerk that you only have } to pay for "net weight". If she complains, say that that's the weight } when they lift it in the net to put it on the ship. } } On board, the crew will laugh at the sight of a "Not Fragile" Yugo } filled with peanuts and will play a game called "Cargo Drop" with it. } When your package arrives, your recipient will find that it is filled } with foam peanut butter. Of course, the problem with foam peanut butter } is static electricity, which makes it stick to everything. } } You owe the Oracle a way to get foam peanut butter off of the roof of } your Yugo.