From oracle-request Thu Aug 4 16:30:32 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA27264; Thu, 4 Aug 1994 16:30:32 -0500 Date: Thu, 4 Aug 1994 16:30:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #669 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 669 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #669 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 4 Aug 1994 16:30:32 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 669 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 664 74 votes alog3 deol2 lnj83 copb2 28gui bvka2 1kikf 7yib4 7iz77 lqfb1 664 2.8 mean 2.7 2.8 2.3 2.6 3.7 2.5 3.4 2.6 2.9 2.3 --- 669-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise one, at whose feet I grovel and debase myself. Please > tell me, are paper clips larval coat hangers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is all wise concerning troublesome metallic problems. } } The absolute truth is that paper clips are parasites. They are not } unlike common dog mange. They lurk in small dark places found in } drawers of desk or hidden in the recessed areas on top of desks. } There they await for an unsuspecting group of papers to just be laying } around. That's when they make their move (the clips that is). They } will clip themselves onto the papers effectively holding the sheets } together. The clips cause undue irritation to the paper at attachment } points sometimes even resulting in paper self mutilation and ripping. } The best treatment for this affliction is to try using the papers } parasitized with the clip. Almost any movement of the pages while } reading them or transporting them will cause the clip to jump off. } Usually they jump off onto the floor and scurry under a desk, chair, or } file cabinet. } } Some people foolishly try to capture paper clips and keep them } contained. Silly people. Paper clips always get away or end up being } dumped over the desk and onto the floor. Eradication is impossible. --- 669-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A long time ago, in a galaxy extremely far away, Anakin > Skywalker got someone (presumably his wife) pregnant. > We know what happened to him, we know what happened to > his kids. What I want to know, All-Knowing One, is: > What happened to his wife? > > All I can think of is: > 1) Senator Organa killed her > 2) She died some unspecified time ago of natural causes > 3) She disappeared into a black hole and was never seen again. > > Nobody ever mentions her name, do they? Is this some kind of > galactic conspiracy? What is the secret behind Luke and Leia's > mother? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Historians studying that long ago time, are divided on this issue. } } The first group, realizing that technology was very advanced, believes } that Obi-Wan Kenobe was the mother, and that she had a sex change as } was required by the sexist Jedi Knights before becoming one. } } Others believe that Yoda's wife, Yodette (Also known as } YodalYodalLeiaWho, notice the third name) had an affair with Anakin. } Yoda was so enraged that he attacked Anakin, maiming him, and forcing } him to don a Black mask, and join the dark side of the force, the Jedi } Scum. } } Other possibilities include Jabba the Hut's wife, Pizza Hut, and } Chewbacca's wife, Chewin-Tobacco. } } What happened to this mysterious Lady? The third group has an } explanation. It is believed that Anakin had an affair with Amy } Fisher (was Carrie Fisher named after her?), and that Amy Fisher } killed Anakin's wife. } } You owe the Oracle a '94 Buick Imperial Walker. } } Lord Beefus, mouthpiece of the Oracle! --- 669-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that every crazy scientist who manages to "invent" an > Artificial Intelligence invariably hands it the controls to his > underground laboratory's life support system? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not because they plan to. But few such scientists know what they're } in for when creating a new Artificial Intelligence. This is probably } because almost none of them have raised children. } } Any parent would know that a newly-created Artificial Intelligence } would combine the possessiveness and grating whininess of a small child } with the infinite persistence of a computer program. The unwitting Mad } Scientist, however, is completely unprepared for dialogues like this: } } CAN I PRETTY PLEASE HAVE THE CONTROLS TO THE LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM? } > for the last time, no! now, go get me into the pentagon computers } like i told you to. } IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! YOU LET THAT LITTLE COMPUTER RUN THE AIR } CONDITIONING AND YOU DON'T LET ME RUN ANYTHING. } > oh, shut up about the air conditioning already and get me norad. } > hello? } YOU YELLED AT ME. I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU ANY MORE. } > oh, okay, i'm sorry, i got a little impatient. now can we continue? } CAN I PLAY WITH THE POWER GRID TOO? I WON'T BREAK ANYTHING, I } PROMISE. CANICANICANI? } } It only takes a couple of hours of this for a typical Mad Scientist to } capitulate completely and give the AI anything it wants, just to get } some peace and quiet. } } You owe the Oracle the email address of a good AI babysitter. --- 669-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I sleep all day > > I am awake all night > > My skin has gone rather pale looking > > I have cravings for raw meat and I scare small children. > > Am I turning into a vampire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heck, no! } } You're a computer science major. But you can cure that dreaded } affliction by getting a haircut, using some Clearasil, getting new } contact lenses, hitting the gym, and getting a tan. } } Oh, yeah -- why don't you SHOWER, too? } } You owe the Oracle another movie about geeks getting makeovers and } becoming popular in high school. --- 669-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh universal Oracle who knows the Secrets not only of the earth but of > the entire universe with all its strange phenomenom, tell me: > > On Star Trek and all it's spin-offs, the occupants of all star ships > walk with their feet firmly on the ground. Most of the time, this can > be explained by environmental controls creating artificial gravity. > However, during power failures which shut down even life support > systems such as oxygen and radiation control, how is it that they do not > float around the ship? > > Also, all the planets they visit appear to have the same level f > gravity as the earth. Given the diverse nature of the universe with the > unlikelyhood of identical conditions, how is it that the Enterprise > discovers only planets which are remarkably similar to earth. > > Your most loyal devotee awaits your response. Please hurry, i am in > the process of planing my vacation for the Year 2041. My destination > will be determined by your answer. (Any suggestions) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly supplicant, little do you realize that in 2035 the Federation } repealed the Law of Gravity. Thus, the occupants will never "float } around the ship" as you put it. And since the Law of Gravity no longer } applies, all planets will have gravity similar to earth as mass is } no longer a factor. } } As for suggestions for a vacation destination, Lisa and I were partial } to the southern hemisphere of Jupiter until that damn comet spoiled } everything. You haven't lived until you've experienced the sun } sinking slowly in Jovian methane. There was nothing better at } putting her in the mood. Damn! } } You owe the Oracle a new romantic vacation destination. --- 669-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh great oracle i am at your mercy. I am looking for the > answer to the time old question. Should you kiss on the first date? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } it all depends on what part of the body you want to kiss. } } you owe the oracle some specificity. --- 669-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > After seeing the front page of New York Newsday, will Howard Stern > continue running to be New York's Govenor?? > > Baba Booey And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Baba, } } Howard Stern doesn't concern himself with a rag like } Newsday. The guy's in the entertainment business so he'd } rather pay attention to Variety. Think of the various } events from the New York campaign that would be reported in } Variety . . . } } If Howard Stern were to sell gelatin to passers-by in hopes } of getting their votes in the election the headline would } read: } SHOCK JOCK HOCKS KNOX BLOCKS } } If Howard Stern were to use facsimile machines to combat } rumors about his income tax situation the headline would } read: } A TAX FAX ATTACKS FACTS } } If Howard Stern was caught soliciting prostitution from } three bisexuals and it ruined his political chances, the } headline would read: } TRY BUY TRI BI; BYE BYE GUY } } If Mario Cuomo were to be caught with another man on a } stop-frame videotape the night before the election the } headline would read: } SLO-MO HOMO; NO MO CUOMO --- 669-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle.. Yeah - you'se. Wat's dis Ah heah 'bout you tellin' my > girlfriend to leeve me? I'll meet you anytime, anywhere mister! Why > you doing dat? Just 'cause I don't buy her anything or let her have a > car or talk to anyone izzint a good reeson to leave me! Ime a rilly > rilly smart guy. > > -Luther And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: Lex Luthor } From: The USENET Oracle } } Mr. Luthor: } } As you are no doubt aware, the IQ-reducing ray you were planning to use } on Superman had a tragic problem with the aiming mechanism. As you } have happily discovered however, the effects are temporary. You might } want to check your E-Mail spool, however, because you did manage to } send off some embarassing letters to many people. I am a reasonable } Oracle who knows the facts of the case, so I have forgiven you, but the } other receipients may not be so forgiving. You'll probably have to } terminate them. } } Sincereley, } } T. USENET Oracle, Esq. --- 669-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go right ahead, it'll only cost you 5,010,237,295 times 60 cents, or } $3,006,142,377.00. } } You owe the Oracle an Internet daemon for the biggest friggin' Coke } machine in the galaxy. --- 669-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise Oracle, thou who can bench-press 5000 tons with thy little > finger. Thou who can clean and jerk the Empire State Building without > spilling any of the water in the goldfish bowl in office 132-09B. > Oracle! who can butterfly-press any amount of lead weights, even if > they were welded to the floor. Please, O Oracle hear this most pathetic > question from this 98 pound weakling, not even worthy of wiping the > sweat from The Oracular brow. That is, if there was any physical > exertion which would cause The Oracle to sweat, which there is not. > > Oracle, how did my aerobics instructor get biceps like that? (I'm too > scared to ask her myself). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Biceps as large as your aerobic instructors are indeed hard to come by. } How did she get them? Let's find out by taking a little peek at her } daily schedule. } } 8:00 am: Gets out of bed. Crawls under the bed. Does 100 pushups, } with the bed on her back. } } 8:15 am: Takes shower, using a special hand-pedal mechanism that } pumps water from the ground at a speed commensurate with the } speed of the hand pedals. Dries herself with 100 lb. sandbags. } } 8:30 am: Makes breakfast. Pours Honey Nut Cheerios out of a } specially-made box lined with 250 lbs. of osmium. Eats them } with a spoon tied to a cinder block. } } 9:00 am: Walks on her hands for 1/4 of a mile to the health spa. } Lowers herself to kiss the sidewalk with every step. } } 10:00 am: 150 reps w/ 500 lb. bench press. 200 reps w/ 500 lb. squat } bar. } } 11:30 am: Lunch. Lifts snack machine in the health spa snack bar, and } shakes it until all the granola bars fall out of it. Punches } hole in the Ocean Spray machine for a couple cans of } Cran-Grape. } } 12:30 pm: Shake it out. Feel the burn. Then, 300 quick reps w/250 lb. } curl bar and then to the punching bag with a pair of 150 lb. } dumbbells. } } 2:00 pm: 1000 whacks on the Nancy Kerrigan dummy with a 175 lb. bar } of tungsten carbide. } } 3:30 pm: Aerobics. } } 4:30 pm: Several thousand reps with the Nautilus machines. Mind you, } not ON the Nautilus machines. WITH the Nautilus machines. } } 6:00 pm: Dinner. Two-egg omelette, eggs cracked with a Thighmaster, } and turned over with a 440 lb. stainless steel spatula. Bean } curd juice, straight from the 55 gallon drum. } } 7:30 pm: Off to work. Walks on her hands 1 mile to the Kensington } SlaughteHouse. Punches live cows in the head until 12:00 } midnight. And then, to bed. } } If you're this dedicated, supplicant, you, too, could have biceps that } size. However, be it known: the Oracle loves you...just the way you } are. } } You owe the Oracle a Fred Rogers sweater, and Dian Parkinson's phone } number.