From oracle-request Tue Aug 9 16:24:59 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA16238; Tue, 9 Aug 1994 16:24:59 -0500 Date: Tue, 9 Aug 1994 16:24:59 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #670 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 670 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #670 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 9 Aug 1994 16:24:59 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 670 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 665 69 votes 23fnq 8wm52 3lng6 45nqb 5hjhb 47pmb 9joc5 9ikg6 4jjl6 4bgpd 665 3.2 mean 4.0 2.4 3.0 3.5 3.2 3.4 2.8 2.9 3.1 3.5 --- 670-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: LRH The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is this guy sitting next to me in the Lite Beer cap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The guy on your left wearing the Lite Beer Cap is a disk jockey for a } local radio station. His wife just left him for an overweight tenor in } the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He's not in a stable state of mind right } now. If he wants to eat all the peanuts, let him. He's got an UZI in } the dufflebag at his feet, and he's just waiting for someone to tell a } joke about how some scmuck's wife has just left him, or a joke about } fat choir singers, so he can spray lead all around the Bar and go out } in a blaze of glory. } } The guy on your right is an overweight tenor in the Mormon Tabernacle } Choir. Give him your beer and leave. --- 670-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail, count Oracula. > > Why is it that all vampires are suckers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Oh, I am not in the right vein today!" answered the blood cell. --- 670-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle... > > What would happen if, in a million years, some > scientists took the blood of a mosquito trapped > in amber that had recently bitten Dan Quayle or > Bill Gates and then restored them to life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They'd put them both on an island somewhere, and open a theme park } around them called "Jackassic Park." } } And, while the geneticists who brought them back will } swear that there's no possible way they could ever mate, the chaos } theory proves itself true once more, and out of nowhere the population } of the island park is flooded with miniature people in spectacles and } bad suits. They take over the geneticists' labs, sit at their } computers, and begin writing bad novels about the effects of computers } on family values, using Windows Write. } } Then, the nukes land. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Standing Firm," in Windows "help file" } format. --- 670-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh almighty Oracle whose knowledge knows no bounds, please tell me, > Why do my friends keep abusing my good nature? > > Your Humble and Ever Grateful Servant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excerpted from _Dyinaddicts_, the #1 self-hell bestseller by } L. Wrong Hubbard: } } Chapter 64: Why Do My Friends Keep Abusing My Good Nature? } } If you find yourself asking this question over and over, } you have what is referred to in the industry as malamigosis } (literally, an inflammation of bad friends). The symptoms } may vary, but the cause of the problem is always(*) the } same: Your friends are doing far more drugs than you are. } They are dying addicts. As they march down the road toward } the Last High (see Ch. 97: Preparing For The Last High), } they become more and more needy, and less able to give } anything in return (see Ch. 66: Giving Less, Taking More). } } What you need to do is learn to make yourself miserable } without the help of your friends (see the Forward: History } Of The Self-Hell Book) -- after all, they will soon be gone. } ********************Message interrupted by Oracle*************** } } Sorry, wrong book. Try this one: } } Excerpted from _I'm Okie, You're Okie_: } } Chapter 17: Win yer friends don't have no common } courtesy no more. } } Have y'ever noticed that, win yer sippin' limmunade (er swill, } fer all that matters) on yer porch on a sunny day, an' Rex } (er Flash, er Cujo -- it don' matter -- I'm talkin' 'bout } yer dawg) is right there at yer feet (just whur any good dawg } would be, if it has any learnin'), an' you ain't worryin' 'bout } nuthin (not even squarshin' yer dawg's tail with the rockin' } chair -- 'cause he's learnt better, by now), but just settin' } in the chair with no worries, and then here come ol' Chuck } (er Billy, er Jed -- it don' matter -- I'm talkin' 'bout yer } neighbor), just a gawkin' at yer tin shed out back, like nobody } **************SENTENCE TIMED OUT BY FOREIGN HOST******************** } } Oh nevermind, I'll answer it myself: } } It is because your Bad Nature is much more difficult to abuse. } ------ } You owe the Oracle a rusted old Pontiac } with 10 kilos in the trunk. --- 670-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great And Wise On^J^J > ZZ > ZZ > x > q > quit > ^D > ^D > ^D > exit > > shit And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please, sir, read the Oracle FAQ. Aborting a mail message to the Usenet } Oracle is achieved by pressing Ctrl-*ZOT*. } } You owe the Oracle a piece of tun^X } ^X } ^X } oops } ^*ZOT* --- 670-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yes oh great one... > I was wondering if Girl Scout Cookies are really made from Girl Scouts. > If so, through what process are Girl Scouts selected as being > worthy of becoming one of these ever so popular cookies? > > I am also interested in the ingredients of an oatmeal raisin girlscout > cookie. > > Thanks so much. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A perceptive question, o my Querent. Actually, what is little known } is that the Girl Scouts are part of the Great Pagan Conspiracy (also } see Captain Planet and the Planeteers) to overthrow White Christian } America and send us all straight to Satan. On the third New Moon in the } month of January, oracle bones taken from a slaughtered Webelos are } cast by each Girl Scout Troop, and the Sacrificial Cookie Virgin is } chosen by this divination. (No, I don't know whether they actually } _have_ to be virgins.) This Sacrificial Cookie Virgin (hereafter known } as SCV) is then spirited away from her family and across the Atlantic } Ocean where, on the darkest night of February, all the SCVs are } gathered at Stonehenge by dark-robed Druidic priests of Set, Pluto, and } other socially unacceptable deities. The priests then take a wild } badger and forcefeed it Night Train, while the SCVs disrobe and lie on } the ground. The badger is then let loose to rampage through Stonehenge. } Any SCVs that the rampaging badger touches are immediately slaughtered } and ground up finely to be added to the cookies. While the unselected } SCVs have no further status, the badger is honored and feted for the } rest of his life on a small country estate in northeastern New York. } After all, everyone's heard of Girl Scout merit badgers. } } You owe the oracle either ten boxes of Thin Mints or a copy of Frazer's } _Golden Bough_. --- 670-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Wonderful Oracle, > Where do Wombats Walk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple and Simpering Supplicant, } Wombats Walk Because They Need to Look Busy. } } Your typical WOMBAT (Waste Of Money, Brains, And Time) knows what he } is and how precarious his position. You know them...can't think, } can't teach, can't learn, but somehow always manages to be in the } right place at the right time, and usually winds up fairly high on } the pecking order. The key to WOMBAT surival is simply to find a } group that's going somewhere, then attempt to look as if you lead it. } } Of course, this wouldn't happen if we didn't obscure the truth with } vague or pompous names or titles. I mean, someone listed in the } corporate directory as "J. Wellington Barske, Executive VP, Division } of Wage and Hour Relational Database Management" sounds important, } but chances are that nobody knows who he is or what he does. We need } to get back to basics, back to the Middle Ages custom of using your } job title as a surname, to the 'Dances With Wolves' habit of naming } someone for what she does. Then, and only then, will WOMBATs be easy } to spot: } } 1ST PERSON: Good morning, Gets-Paid-To-Sit. } 2ND PERSON: Good morning, Clueless Wonder. How are things? } 1ST PERSON: Fine, fine. Say, have you seen Sucks-Up-To-Others } today? He owes me a report on widget production in } the CIS. } 2ND PERSON: Oh, he's in talking to Thinks-He's-God. Ask } the receptionist, she'll know where it is. } } [1ST PERSON wanders off to talk to Secretly-Does-All-The-Work] } } You owe Knows-Everything your job title. --- 670-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Uncle Orrie, I wanna hear a story! > > I wanna hear a story about bunny-rabbits going > hippety hoppety, hippety hop in the garden! > And eating cauliflower in the garden! And eating > apples from the trees, and stealing chickens! > > Pleeeease, Uncle Orrie, tell me a story about bunny-rabbits! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Story of the Hippety Hoppety Bunny Rabbits } by the Oracle } } Once upon a time, there were two hippety hoppety bunny rabbits. } They lived in a garden. All day long long, they went hippety hoppety, } hippety hop in the garden. } The hippety hoppety bunny rabbits loved to eat cauliflower. Every } day, they'd eat the cauliflower that grew in the garden. Then they } would hippety hoppety, hippety hop some more. } When an apple fell from the giant apple tree, the hippety hoppety } bunny rabbits would hippety hoppety, hippety hop to the fallen apple } and gobble it up. Yummy! } Then, one day, the hippety hoppety bunny rabbits went to the chicken } coop to steal some chickens so they could sell them and buy some } marijuana, so they could hippety hoppety, hippety hop like never } before. } But Arnold Schwarzaneggar the Farmer saw the hippety hoppety bunny } rabbits stealing the chickens, so he went into his arsenal. } Arnold the Farmer picked up an AK-47 and fired at the hippety hoppety } bunny rabbits. Bang Bang! went the gun. The hippety hoppety bunny } rabbits were killed. } Arnold the Farmer picked up a grenade and threw it at the hippety } hoppety bunny rabbits. Boom! went the grenade. The hippety hoppety } bunny rabbits were blown to little pieces. } Arnold the Farmer picked up a Stinger missile and fired it at the } hippety hoppety bunny rabbits. Kaboom! went the missile. The hippety } hoppety bunny rabbits were incinerated. } Arnold the Farmer picked up an MX and fired it at the hippety hoppety } bunny rabbits. BOOM! went the MX. The hippety hoppety bunny rabbits } were turned into energy. } } THE END. } } The moral of this story is? } (a) just say no to drugs } (b) thou shalt not steal } (c) there is too much violence in stories } (d) Arnold kicks ass } } The correct answer is (d) } } You owe the Oracle some stew. What kind? Hmm... --- 670-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > which gopher should i use to find information about marathon running? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, oh bluntly non-complimentary and terse supplicant, you have } several choices available. } } THE STUPID CARTOON GOPHERS FROM 'GO GO GOPHERS' } } Yes, those whacko cartoon bucktoothed F-Troop wannabes. Of course, } they don't actually know anything about marathons. In fact, they } don't seem to know a damn thing about anything. But hey, they were } able to demonstrate to the North American public that there COULD be } a worse show than F-Troop. } } THE MUCH MORE WILY GOPHER FROM 'CADDYSHACK' } } Now, you might well wonder what our fairway-dwelling friend knows } about running. The truth is that he doesn't, but he's a good friend } of Bill Murray, who portrayed someone who knew about running in } another film. (The gopher, in fact, had a bit part in 'Meatballs,' } in which the running theme held second place only to hooters.) If } nothing else, he'll be able to tell you how to use plastic explosive } to down your opponents. } } WINSLOW THE MARATHON GOPHER } } Yes, the cute little mascot of the Marathon Oil Megacorporation. } Slogan: "Our cute animals aren't covered with our oil." Winslow } will be happy to tell you all about Marathon.... } } FRED GRANDY (aka GOPHER from 'The Loooooove Boooooaaaaaat') } } Fred Grandy, formerly of the Love Boat and now an Iowa Congressional } Dude, ran against Hugely Incumbent and Closely Resembling Saddam } Hussein Governor Terry Branstad. Fred very nearly defeated Terry in } the primary elections this year, and has promised to run again...and } again...and again. Talk about marathon running! He'll be as hard to } stop as that damn bunny. } } You owe the Oracle Nike. Not the shoes, the goddess. I admire a } woman who can bench-press me. --- 670-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And what am I to do in Illyria (sp?) ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Get Wellyia?