From oracle-request Mon Aug 15 08:16:19 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA23993; Mon, 15 Aug 1994 08:16:19 -0500 Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 08:16:19 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #671 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 671 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #671 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 08:16:19 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 671 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 666 72 votes bnpa3 2lzc2 69joe 4dpka aisd3 bpn76 6eti5 hhhi3 6auh9 4npd7 666 2.9 mean 2.6 2.9 3.4 3.3 2.7 2.6 3.0 2.6 3.2 2.9 --- 671-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the difference between Kazakhstan, a bowl of Rice Krispies and > a Ford Probe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Kazakhs haven't paid anyone under the table to get themselves } mentioned in an Oracularity. --- 671-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have difficulty driving my car - its not that its a complicated > vehicle, I just dont seem to understand it. Can you suggest some ways > to make driving simpler and to improve my understanding my car? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MAKING DRIVING SIMPLER } ---------------------- } 1) Remember, the "R" on the gear shift does *not* stand for "REAL Fast" } 2) Traffic lights and stop signs should be treated as suggestions. } 3) When talking on your cellular phone, reading the paper, engaging in } sexual activity, or other distracting behaviors while driving, } always do so in one of the center lanes. That way, you'll run into } something movable (i.e., another car) rather than immovable (i.e., a } Jersey Wall) when you inevitably wander out of your lane. } 4) Under the recently signed UN Treaty in Support of Active Evolution, } seat belts and child seats will soon be optional throughout the } world. (There are many other changes dictated by this doucment -- } e.g. no inspection of bungee jumping equipment, outlawing childproof } lighters, etc., too detailed to go into here). Behave accordingly. } 5) Don't use turn signals. It wears out the bulbs faster. } 6) To minimize wear and tear on your brakes, slow down by running the } tires into the curb. } 7) You'll be better off driving a large, old car when it comes to on } road driving duels, as the other driver will have more to lose. } The ideal vehicle for this purpose is a 1969 Chevy Impala with at } least one rusted thru fender and numerous bumper dings. A gun rack } holding a 20 gauge shotgun, with a sign hanging from it saying "My } other gun is a HOWITZER" wouldn't hurt, either. } } UNDERSTANDING YOUR CAR } ---------------------- } This is *not* your problem. This is something for the guys down at the } service station to worry about. They don't understand your car, either, } but (in a classic example of Chaos Theory in action which has spurred } remarkably little research) are often able to get it to function } properly anyway. Look for these signs which generally indicate a } mechanic with "the luck o' the random": } 1) Hasn't shaved in at least two but no more than five days } 2) Oval patch on striped shirt with names "Earl" "Gus" or "Jimmy" } strongly recommended over those with names like "Emile", } "Booger", or "Basil". } 3) Uniforms which look like they came out of the laundry w/ grease on } them } 4) Don't let on that they know you're being condescending to them. } } You owe the Oracle a 1966 Ford Galaxy with a Thunderbird engine, just } like Daddy used to have. And a grovel. --- 671-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girl friend informed me she is from Transylvania. Can I safely let > her continue to bite me on the neck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good god man! What could be more frightening coming from your } girlfriend than "I'm from Transylvania. Can I bite your neck?" For } all you bachelors out there, here are a few more key phrases that } should set warning bells off in your head should your girlfriend utter } them: } } - "I LOVE kids!" } } - "Sex is good, but what I *really* like is to cuddle afterwords." } } - In fact, any sentence containing the word "cuddle." } } - "I don't understand why Manson never gets parole." } } - "Either THAT thing goes or I go!" (points at computer) } } - "I have a penis..." } } - "and it's bigger than yours." } } - "I've heard that deodorant is bad for you." } } - "Do you love kids as much as I do?" } } Avoid women who say these things at all costs. Look for women who say } nice things, or, optionally, nothing at all. You won't regret it. } } You owe the Oracle a wooden stake. --- 671-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please Please Please your freatness of all knowingness > Your roundness of all rounds. Knower of all > > Tell me where to get information on contempary music. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Naturally, to get information on Contempary Music, I recommend going to } the source: The planet Pava, 18 light years away, where Contempary } Music will be invented in about 65 years, although some scholars say } Contempary didn't really begin until The Converts played at the 2077 } All-Pava Mud Festival. That, of course, was when the lead honfaa } player, Edith Fang, teamed up with vocalist Simon Wolfspit for the } first time to perform "Back on old Earth." } } Some good sources are Aqmest's "Contempary Rhythms," Ho and Bolivar's } "Theory of Contempary Music," and Hofstadter's four-volume set "History } of Contempary Music," especially volume four, "The End, 2083-2087." If } your library can get them, any extant copies of "Contempary Times } Magazine" may be invaluable. Try to find the special August 2074 issue } on Trans-Pavan Contempary styles. } } You owe the Oracle a thesis on Contempary Music. It's due in 2092, by } the end of Spring Term. Your advisor will be Ms. Lisa Honinbo. --- 671-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need to make a bomb to distract the bad guys while I enter the shack > they're guarding to free a captive endangered bird. Unfortunately, I'm > out in the middle of the woods armed only with a pocketknife, styling > mousse, crazy glue, and plutonium. How can I make a bomb? > > -- Angus MacGyver And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take the pocketknife, kill several small (preferably non-endangered) } animals. Skin these animals, make a one-armed toga with the pelts } using the crazy glue to hold the pelts together. } } Next, again with the pocket knife, cut down a tree (preferably not an } old-growth tree) and carve a "stone-age" looking car out of the trunk. } } Put on the toga, slick down your hair with the styling mouse, and climb } into the car. Yell "YABBA-DABBA-DO" a lot. You now have the biggest } bomb of the summer. } } By the way, sell the plutonium, and use the proceeds to advertise your } bomb into the ground. } } ---- } You owe the Oracle 30 clams and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles (part of this } complete breakfast). --- 671-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Eh, lad. These Orackyooolarittities we're seeing now ... weeell, they > joost ain't like the ones we used to have when I were a lass. Eh, when > I were young, you used to get a three-page answer, written in verse, > delivered in milliseconds, and all from a null question ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr A. Supplicant, } 101 Supplicular Drive } SUPP 103423-343. } } Dear Mr Supplicant, } } We of the Oracular Questions Standards Committee (OQSC) have } investigated your question after receiving a complaint from a Mr T. } Oracle, of Indiana. After our own examination of your question we } conclude that several parts of it are deliberately misleading. We } quote: } } "when I were a lass" - The average reader is likely to interpret this } as meaning "a long time ago". In fact it means 'before [your] } sex-change operation last Thursday'. } } "delivered in milliseconds" - We feel that borrowing the definition of } "milliseconds" from the "week" mentioned in Genesis without explanation } is again misleading. } } "three-page answer, written in verse" - This statement is likely to } cause third parties to expect more than a four-line limerick, spattered } in control codes that coincidentally include several form feeds. } } Furthermore, your question completely ignores the changes made in the } Oracular system to ensure all Oracularities are cruelty-free. Fast } turnarounds and lengthy answers to null questions may have been a } feature of the old system, but there was a darker side. You have } conveniently forgotten how computer nerds were chained to } terminals with no chance for exercise, visits to the toilet, and only } one cubic metre of space per nerd. Unlike the present, superficially } similar, situation, this was not voluntary. More cruel still, Steve } Kinzler would be ready with a cattle prod should any of the nerds not } perform at 100%. } } We expect you to YEEOOOWWW!!! publically withdraw or OW!!! correct your } misleading question OUCH!!! within one calendar month, or further } YAH!!!! action will be taken. } } Yours sincerely, } } (squiggle) } } A Penpusher, } Secretary, } Oracular Questions Standards Committee. --- 671-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I quit my job? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Leaving one's job is always a momentous occasion, from the very first } time you slam that fifty-pound bag of flash-frozen fries to the floor, } screaming at the manager that if he knows so much he can fry his own } damn McFries, to the time when you give your resignation speech at the } dinner held in your honor by the Omnipotent Multinational Corporation. } } The fact that you have asked The Oracle implies you have some anxiety } about making this decision. Well, We will set your mind at ease; } ponder your situation in the light of the following: } } - You must be happy with what you do, or at least not unhappy: } making US$70,000 a year would be fabulous, but not if it was for } wandering the sewer system in New York City looking for dead } bodies. } } - You must be able to support yourself with your wage: getting } paid US$3 an hour to play video games would be Way Cool, but } you'd have to survive on Ramen Noodles, which, while } theoretically possible, has never actually been proven to work } reliably. Given a choice, take the stiff-seeker job. } } - You must be able to take pride in your work: when you attend } your father's resignation speech at the OMC's dinner party and } are speaking with your tablemates, part of the introductions will } include What You Do For A Living (Introduction Guidlines, section } III). After the others say things like, "I collect clinical } trial data for AIDS research", "I work in General Hospital's } emergency room", "I'm a sanitation engineer - I clear corpses } from city sewers", you'll feel very silly having to say, "I } rescue bitmapped Princesses from artificially intelligent } mushroom dinosaurs" } } If any of these requirements are not met, perhaps you should seek a new } job. Be careful to secure your new job before quitting your old one. } } If, however, you find your old job is not so bad after all, well, at } least you'll have a better outlook on your life. } } You owe The Oracle a mint copy of the pamphlet "I'm OK, You're OK" --- 671-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TH > +++ATZ > ATE0Q0V0 > ATI0 > ATM1L1 > ATDT6203119 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +++ATH --- 671-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and benevolent Oracle: > > Do fish stink under water? I mean, if they do, has anyone thought of > the deodorant market for these little stinkers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh man, do they ever. In fact, piscine deodorant sales account for } 90% of Procter and Gamble's revenues today. } } Unfortunately, the heavy use of aerosol underfin deodorants is having } a disastrous effect on the Hydrogen Peroxide Layer in the upper } hydrosphere. This layer is vital in blocking the Sun's ultraviolet } rays from getting to the ocean floor. } } A single CFC molecule used in aerosol sprays can break up 100,000 } hydrogen peroxide molecules, and it can take a molecule upwards of } 20 years to drift up the four kilometers from the bottom of the ocean. } So even though research into environmentally safer deodorants is } underway, the Hydrogen Peroxide Hole over the North Pole is expected } to continue growing for decades even after aerosols are banned. } } You owe the Oracle some SPF 25 sunblock for his goldfish. --- 671-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way to cook a mermaid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you can't think of anything better to do with a mermaid, } you need more than an Oracle.