From oracle-request Thu Aug 18 20:55:25 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA11845; Thu, 18 Aug 1994 20:55:25 -0500 Date: Thu, 18 Aug 1994 20:55:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #672 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 672 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #672 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 18 Aug 1994 20:55:25 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 672 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 667 75 votes ghpd4 7psb4 5nsf4 378wp 3orf6 5dmnc amjh7 5eveb 4lvc7 4rpc7 667 3.0 mean 2.6 2.7 2.9 3.9 3.0 3.3 2.9 3.2 3.0 2.9 --- 672-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > when I will beat this summer cold . . . when I will find a job that is > not demaning & requiring me to suck up to real assholes . . . when I > can discover how to make living from hanging around the net? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } When will you learn proper Oracle etiquette and begin with } a sincere grovel? } } When will you learn to capitalize your sentences? } } When will you learn to punctuate your sentences? } } When will you approach life with a sense of humor? } } When will you learn that, since you are still alive, } and not in a hospital on a respirator, that you have } already beaten your summer cold. Your symptoms are a } sign that your body is fighting it off. Your poor } outlook may have a lot to do with how slow your immune } system seems to be working. } } When will you learn that cheerfulness, courtesy, and a } sincere willingness to be of service *DOES NOT* equate } to "sucking up". The term "asshole" here is an extremely } subjective call, and you should take the time to put } yourself in the other person's shoes once in a while. } You *might* make a friend or ally with that approach. } } And finally, when will you get a life? To help you here, } the Oracle will share the formula: } } 1. BE PROACTIVE - Instead of *reacting* to everything that } comes along, go out and actually *do* something to make } your life better. Even if it's something very small to } start out, it's still a start. } } 2. BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND - You have to *know* what you } want to get what you want. Make a mental picture of what } it is you want and focus your life. } } 3. PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST - Do what you *need* to do first, } not what you *want* to do first. } } 4. THINK WIN/WIN - If you think in terms of winners and losers, } what side do you think you'll come out on most? Get it? } Be helpful, be courteous, be willing to be of service. You'll } automatically be a winner, and so will those you come in to } contact with. } } 5. SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD - I guarantee, } the number of "assholes" you meet will decrease by an order of } magnitude, and the number of friends and allies you'll meet } will increase accordingly. } } 6. SYNERGIZE - The sum is greater than the whole. Cooperation } and interdependence between people makes the individual's } contribution yield more positive energy than he/she puts in. } } 7. SHARPEN THE SAW - Go have a real conversation with a live } person. Get some exersize. Play frisbee. Swim in a lake. } Hug a puppy. Read a book - something challenging. } } Are you getting this? The Oracle works at a job like everybody else. } The Oracle *tries* to stick to the above advice and admits that it } is a challenge. The Oracle also has a job with Usenet access! There } might be something to his advice *after all*. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to get a life, and pass this on to } another person. --- 672-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me what you know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Jane Austen Society of North America was founded in 1979. } A full house beats a flush. } From the 8th to 11th centuries Spain was dominated by the Moors. } There are fourteen counties in Denmark, but the city of Copenhagen is } separate from all of them. } The flag of Libya has only one color. } There are no female peacocks. } You may safely eat oysters during the months of January, February, } March, April, Mayr, Jurne, Julry, Argust, September, October, November, } and December. } The word "polish" is the only English word which changes pronounciation } when capitalized. } A light year is the distance that light travels in one year. } Woodchucks do not actually chuck wood. } The tracks on a single compact disk are around three miles long. } The gerund is a verbal noun ending in -ing. } The first day of the 21st century will be January 1, 2001. } In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn a stately pleasure dome decree. } The creator of the artificial language Esperanto did not name it. } In the game of Go, two eyes live. } . } . } . } [5,037,974,657,122,209,973,420,811,939,382 lines } omitted to keep from overflowing your mail buffer.] } . } . } . } A preliminary version of the programming language Pascal was drafted in } 1968. } A forfeited baseball game has an official score of 9 to 0. } A pound of gold weighs 1240 grains less than a pound of feathers. } For any angle in the plane, the square of the sine plus the square of } the cosine is one. } The "carrier wave" of AM radio doesn't actually carry anything. } The word "piss" is an example of onomatopoeia. } } You owe the Oracle a larger reference library. --- 672-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We just got a two-processor computer, and it turns out that one of > the processors works in English, while the other works in Hebrew. > This means that one writes into ram from left to right, while the > other writes into ram from right to left. As you can imagine, this > causes a great deal of confusion. Is there anything we can do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, what are you doing opening up your computer to see } which way your computer writes to it's little rammies? Rude boy! } } Would you like it if someone where to pull down your trousers and } check out which way Percy points? Then to say "That's not right! } Hang on and we'll fix it up" *rip$%@tear!*&YIKE... } } Not to worry - I won't discuss your manners here. To the question } at hand: it is a simple matter of withdrawing the guilty chip, } rotate it 180 degrees along the horizontal plane, insert the chip } back in the socket, and viola! Left to right. } } .pihc werbeh eht rof launam noitcurtsni ruoy elcarO eht ewo uoY --- 672-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose Fruit-Of-The-Loom's Superband Waistband never > stretches, who never finds the little holes in your undershirt, > whose toenails never need clipping, and for whom hair is SCARED to > grow out of your ears, I pray that you answer me this. > > Now that Ilich Ramirez Sanchez, aka Carlos the Jackal has been > taken into custody in France, what will Robert Ludlum write about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Faced with a lack of material in the real world, Ludlum will turn } to writing children's books. Following is an excerpt from his } forthcoming novel, "The Bunny Affair." } } See the carrot. } See the spy bunny. } Spy, bunny, spy! } See the spy bunny insert a rod of plutonium into the carrot. } See the representative of a small, fascist third world country } meet with the spy bunny in a secluded location in Germany in the hopes } of obtaining weapons grade carrot-encased plutonium in exchange for } massive amounts of money that was supplied by the United States. } } Well, you get the idea. } } You owe the Oracle a novel that will not be turned into an action } movie. --- 672-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > a > a > a > a > a And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your entry into the ASCII Pictionary Tournament '94. } Your teammates, selected at random from a pool of internet addresses, } made the following guesses at your entry: } } "It's a stick." } "An empty Tower of Hanoi!" } "A's lined up ready to race?" } "No, it's just a stick, dammit." } "The lead pipe from a Clue game?" } "Acrobats. Get it? All the a's stacked up -- acrobats!" } "Maybe it's a --" "-- oof!" } " Told you it was a stick." } } Scores will be tallied within one week. --- 672-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and wise, most benificiant, most sage, most ... oh > well, you get the idea. > > Tell me, is there life after Unix? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I will answer your question in the form of a parable. } } A man using UNIX in his office suddenly lost power one day. The lights } went out, and his screen dimmed a little as the UPS kicked in, giving } him just enough juice to save all his work and log out. When he turned } the monitor off, he was suddenly very sad, for there was an empty place } in his heart and he knew not why. } } "Lord," he said. "Why am I suddenly so lonely? I feel as if I have lost } a good friend. Please, do something to help my lonely heart." } } Suddenly, the shade that he had nailed over his office window yanked } itself freeand rolled up, leaving the window entirely uncovered. And } through this pane of glass came -- not a friendly blinking login cursor } -- but a strange yellow light. It felt warm on the man's skin, and it } was brighter than any flourescent bulb he'd ever seen. As soon as the } man recovered from his sudden blindness, he said "Wow! It's wonderful!" } } And then the window slowly slid upwards, and a gust of warm air blew } into his office. It must have been unfiltered by an air conditioning } unit, because it was dusty and smelled like mown grass. It made him } sneeze. "Wow!" The man said. "That must have been one of those sneezes } I heard about on rec.nose.pollen! Man, that felt great!" } } And then, he felt an uncombatable urge to climb out the window and onto } the sidewalk of the street below him. His heart raced with fear as he } put one leg and then the other out through the window. How wonderous, } he thought. The ceiling was blue, and lit by a blinding yellow bulb in } the sky. All around him, there were people -- just like the ones who } worked in his building -- and other buildings, and a street with cars } moving down them -- cars that looked much different that the '64 } Mustangs he remembered from his childhood. "This is incredible!" he } said, as he wandered into the street. "But also very scary. I must get } back to my office! Where's my office? Grep Office! Grep Office!" } } Then, the blue ceiling opened like a pair of curtains, and a light even } brighterthan the sun's appeared. "Man," the light said. "Be ye not } afraid. This is your world, and my world, and the world of all the } people. Seek ye not to lock thy self into thine office and program for } thy boss's computers! Instead, live here among us. This is the world } you came from, the world that uses your programs, and the world that } makes all the chinese delivery food you send out for. Live with us. } Live, and love with us." } } "Oh, bright light!" the Man said. "I will. I will!" Ecstatic with the } joy of his new-found world, he ran through the sidewalks and streets, } among the tall buildings, the neon lights, the cars, the mini-marts. } } An hour later, he got mugged for his belt, shoes, and $37 in cash. } } The moral to my parable is this: there is life after UNIX. But when you } look at it comparitively, it's pretty lousy. } } You owe the Oracle a cellular phone. --- 672-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Powerful Oracle, who knows the location of every cog and gear > that makes the universe run, please answer this humble supplicant's > plea: > > Is it true that the first 1000 copies of Chicago are going to ship with > strip solitaire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yup. Unfortunately, your opponent in the game will be Bill Gates. --- 672-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I'm going on a vacation to Canada soon. Is there anything I should try > to keep in mind about the Metric System while I'm there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The metric system, unlike our logical system of measurement based on } multiples of 4, 8, 12, 16, and pi, uses a base 10 counting system. } This confusing system is taught to children of Canada before they know } any better, therefore is seems natural--even logical--to them. The } English system, taught later in life, usually comes as some relief to } these poor waifs. This is why most of the signs are in both English } and metric. Most citizens, when they come of age, are } bi-measuremental. } } Although metric usually confuses most right-thinking people from the } States, there is a special trick Oracle is willing to tell you. As } stated before, the metric system works on multiples of 10. The secret } is, you yourself were made in base 10! If you ever have troubles with } your metric calculations use you fingers (inclusive of your thumbs). } The Oracle warns that this system may break down in cold weather if } mittens are worn. } } You owe the oracle a dram of orange juice and a cubit of wood. --- 672-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, that accepts my grovelling with such grace, please answer > the following question: > > Which is heavier, a pound of bricks, a pound of feathers, or Spock's > brain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ooooh, good. Multiple choice. The Oracle has a headache. } } We decided to go straight to the source, so we started by } contacting The Brick Institute ("Bricks. They're what's for } building stuff with.") A BI spokesman explained that, while a } pound of anything weighs a pound, a pound of bricks is "the } damnedest pound you ever saw. Why, bricks are attractive, } they've got a nice heft to 'em, and ... well, just imagine trying } to build a brick wall with anything else." } } Then we called The U. S. Feather Board ("People helping people } by pulling the feathers off birds so other people can make } pillows and things.") The USFB was a little more leery of the } question. Apparently, they consider the commonly used phrase } "light as a feather" to be highly derogatory, "as if a feather } was something to be taken lightly, or dismissed as frivolous." } For that reason, the feather industry uses a slightly different } unit of measurement, which they call a pound but which is equal } to 29 ordinary pounds. "So there's no doubt in our minds that a } pound of feathers beats any other pound, anywhere in the world." } } Finally, we tracked down Spock's brain at the Spock's Brain } Museum and Roadside Reptile Zoo, just outside Goodland, Kansas. } Inside a large sheet-metal outbuilding, we were able to view } Spock's brain in a giant salt water aquarium, and even talk to it } over a closed-circuit telephone for ten cents a minute. If } anyone ought to know, it's Spock, right? } } "Years ago, if you had asked me that question," he said, "I'd } have said the pound of feathers, no question. They're measured } differently, you know. But since I got this gig, I'm not as } physically active as I used to be, and I'm starting to put on } some weight around the procortex. So as of today, I'd have to } say it's me. I'm the heaviest. Before you go, toss another Zima } in the tank, will you?" } } You owe the Oracle one copy of "Star Trek Memories". --- 672-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > q And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As with many of the works from her famous ascii period, the artist } makes use of rotational perspective change to place the subject in } an altogether differnet light. If we rotate the entire piece 90 } degrees counterclockwise (and note the politial subtlty is already } apparent: 90 degrees being a 'right' angle, and 'counter' being } frequently associated with the right wing's antithesis, the } 'counter-culture'), we see the base of the scene is an agitated sea } of waves... agitated, yet regular, and consistent. The truncated } bugle floating above is located to the far left, as though it is } trying to blast its message at the left wing from as close a range } as possible. Yet, the absence of the bugle's bell indicates that } perhaps the reason nobody hears the message of the right is that it } is in fact empty, and, at root, makes no sound at all. Returning } the work to its original orientation, we see that this position } indicates that the attempt by the right to convey their thoughts } and impose their worldviews is an uphill battle in any case. } } You owe the Oracle a semiotic analysis of nose-hair trimming } devices.