From oracle-request Tue Aug 30 08:50:06 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA09250; Tue, 30 Aug 1994 08:50:06 -0500 Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 08:50:06 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #674 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 674 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #674 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 08:50:06 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 674 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 669 75 votes 6jtg5 9koh5 3ars7 4moh8 5pud2 eohb9 7ofhc bnob6 dkqc4 2ejnh 669 3.0 mean 2.9 2.9 3.3 3.0 2.8 2.7 3.0 2.7 2.7 3.5 --- 674-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle with ears so clean and pillow so fluffy... > > Why do birds suddenly appear...every time...you are near? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...cuz I like to be, close to you. } } It could also be that I'm a couple million years old, my } flesh is starting to rot, and these damn birds are } circling me where ever I go. THEY WON'T STOP! } CIRCLING, CIRCLING, EVER SO NEAR, THEY WILL NOT LEAVE!!! } SO CLOSE THEY COME. ALL THE TIME. IF I REST FOR } A SECOND PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK } PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK AT MY TOES, MY ANKLES, } MY LEGS, THE VERY FLESH OF MY HOLINESS } PICKING PICKING PICKING EATING AT MY SOUL!!!!! } } ...errr, uh, was that out loud? Well, anyway, } yes, I love being close to you. You owe me } a .22 rifle. --- 674-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I AM SUPPERIOR And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi Superior. I'm the Oracle. } } What are you doing playing with the spray can? It says "only use in } well ventilated areas"... read the directions, and put that lighter... } on second thought, keep the lighter. } } You owe the Oracle censored episodes of Beavis and Butt-head --- 674-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does a circle start? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, um, yes, I believe it IS time we had this little talk, little } mortal. Now sit right down on Orrie's lap and listen carefully. } } You see, when a Mommy polygon and a Daddy polygon love one another } very very much, there's a special way they have of showing how they } care for one another. I don't mean going on vacation, at least not } exactly, and I don't mean having a nice family meal together. That } is, not literally. } } It's like this, when Daddy polygon sees Mommy polygon there all nice } and pretty like, he gets this feeling like all his corners are all } tingly sort of. And something like that for Mommy polygon too, though } different. Then they, they just sort of, well, get together in this } particular way I can't describe right now. Intersecting, do you know } what I mean? No?...well it doesn't matter anyway. } } Then, a little later, Mommy polygon gets this kind of bulge in one } edge like you've seen sometimes. And then it gets bigger and bigger } until before you know it, you have a brand new circle. And that's } where they come from. } } If you have any other questions like that, you can ... ask Lisa ... } } You owe the Oracle a very round stork. --- 674-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear wise Oracle, > > What does the following phrase mean? > > "thus spake the Oracle" > > Specifically what does it mean to "spake"? Is it only the Oracle who > can "spake" or can I learn how to too? > > Sincerely, > Your humble, confused supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, "spake" is simply an archaic past tense form of the verb, } used by the Oracle to evoke more respect than he really deserves. } The correct conjugation of this verb is: "I spike", "I spake", "I have } spoke", and your phrase "thus spake the Oracle" would be translated to } modern English as "thus spiked the Oracle". } } The spike referred to, of course, is a quick jump on a heart rate } monitor, skin conductivity meter, voice stress analyzer, etc. } } You can try your hand at it too. Find your nearest French security } official and with a heavy Libyan accent demand to see Carlos. } } The Orackle hast spoke. --- 674-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondorous Oracle, who can talk AND drink water out of a cup at the > same time, please answer my humble question: > > How does gravity work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gravity, oh, Gravity! } A symbol of depravity! } Just every subtle mortal sin } Invisibly it draws you in! } Though you stand against it strong } You weary and you fail ere long. } Our spirits wish to soar through space: } It holds us dismally in place. } We wish to rise: cannot! Oh, Fate! } Our flight is curved, and never straight! } What demon curse condemns us so? } What engineering from Below? } How does this Fiendish grav'ty work? } Who cares? *I* float. You mortal jerk. --- 674-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you think I should stay at work or go away to college? Most of my > friends are graduating this coming fall and stress is killing me, > but I love my job and I make good money. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should go to college. This will let you join an elite computer } network known as Usenet. Everybody who is anybody hangs out on Usenet, } and all of the discussion is of very high quality. You will find that } your .edu sitename, coupled with your freshman acount, will be greatly } respected by the Usenet population. Mere monetary awards pale in } comparison. } } You owe the Oracle a complete 1-year archive of alt.binaries.* --- 674-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great oracle,how is it going to be with my trip at vegas on > 08/27/94. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Day one: You arrive at Vegas. Blow $223.25 on quarter slot machines. } Decide roulette is too complex. Watch floor show at 11:30. Get to bed } at 1:30 AM. Alone. } } Day two: Wake up at 10:00. Headache. Lose $121.75 on slot machines. } Watch roulette for ten minutes. Buy a five dollar chip, and place it on } 23. Lose it. Decide to eat lunch. Lose it. Retire to your room for the } afternoon. Go back down to roulette. Croupier tells you that you can } see a free class about roulette at 6:00 PM. You go to the free class, } and learn how to place a four-way bet that pays off eight-to-one. You } go back to the roulette tables and buy $200 worth of $5 chips. Lose } them. Get to bed at 2:45 AM. Alone. } } Day three: Wake up at 11:45. Go back to sleep. } } Day four: Or is this day three? What day is this? Is that 7:30 AM or } PM? Well, the sun is up. After watching for a while, you realize that } the sun is setting. After a bit of thought you realize that the time is } now 8:15 PM. You decide to go downstairs and try a game of craps. You } lose. You know now why the game is called that. Since you don't feel } sleepy, you try to find a show to watch, but the best you can find is } Nicolas Cage in an Elvis costume. You go to bed at 4:15 AM. With Elvis. } } Day five: A phone call from work reminds you that your flight was to } have left yesterday. You go home. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Vegas. --- 674-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me where Republicans come from. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Suburban dung beetles construct them underground, and they } surface through the grounds of country clubs and golf courses. --- 674-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Question..... > > Could you call James Hetfield a "Metallicum"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: Backstage after a Metallica concert. Roadies and bandmembers, } groupies and the Oracle are all present. The Oracle got a backstage } pass by giving one of the roadies $125 and a bottle of Champagne. } } Groupie: "So, how do you come up with your ideas for songs?" } } Roadie: "Um, well, I just, you know, wait until I think of something } and then I sing it. You know, like if I'm shaving or something, I try } singing it but I have to wait until I stop shaving to actually move my } mouth or anything. Do you want some Champagne?" } } Groupie: "Hey, you're not part of the band! You're just a roadie!" She } leaves. } } Roadie: "Bummer." } } Oracle: "James Hetfield is a Metallicum." } } Three roadies and two band members beat the Oracle up. Presently the } Oracle is dumped outside the back door. } } The answer seems to be "Yes, but it'll cost you." } } You owe the Oracle $125 and a bottle of Champagne. --- 674-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why I can't get more than 80 or less than 50 in every exam? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem of exam marks is one which has troubled many people. In } your case, the inability to get marks outside the range 50-80 is one of } three things: } } 1) You are doing the wrong exams. For a mark of less than 50 try } sitting a paper about which you know nothing. 'Quantum Field Theory' is } a good example, however may prove difficult to mark since the examiner } is likely to know even less. To get a mark above 80, it would be a good } idea to sit a paper about spelling, with questions along the lines of: } Q 47: Spell 'ORACLE' (7 marks) } Incidently, a good way to ensure high marks in this type of exam is to } rewrite the question and do not try to give an answer. The examiner } will get so confused that he/she will award you full marks. } } 2) The marking scheme is biased. It is easy to test this case. Go into } your next exam and write 'I am a fish' on each line of your answer } book, thgen get up and leave. If you more than 50 marks (or less than } 80 if it's a psychology exam) then this is the case. } } 3) You know more than the examiner. If this is the case then much of } what you write will be too complicated for the examiner to understand, } and in the age old tradition of marking exams, if there's a query, it's } wrong. Examiners rarely know anything about the subject they are } marking, so if you haven't got time to sit the 'Quantum Field Theory' } yourself, ask him! } } You owe the oracle a mark in the range 50-80 } Physics paper II, Economics Dept, Room 120, Saturday 9:30