From oracle-request Thu Sep 8 12:12:37 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26680; Thu, 8 Sep 1994 12:12:37 -0500 Date: Thu, 8 Sep 1994 12:12:37 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #675 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 675 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #675 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 8 Sep 1994 12:12:37 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 675 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 670 68 votes 39nmb hth32 4imi6 5ejhd ahje8 2fko7 35bqn 2chmf 6frh3 djje3 670 3.1 mean 3.4 2.2 3.1 3.3 2.9 3.3 3.9 3.5 2.9 2.6 --- 675-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a pizza in my future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An interesting question. I looked you up in the eternal books and } extracted the lines which included the word 'pizza': } } Eternal Book Volume 454,576 of 673,564. Omniscient Being Offline file } request. (search string 'pizza'). } } } } - "Pizza face," yelled the thug, bringing out a sawn-off twelve-bore and } } - and licked eagerly. Then the doorbell rang. "Oh God! The pizza is due } } - the ropes chaffed his wrists. "I could do with tha pizza now," he said } } - Pizza Hut when the incident occurred. Several shots were fired before } } - a pizza! The ambulancemen couldn't help laughing as they loaded him } } - permanently disfigured. He could still ring out for pizza, however, as } } - loss of both eyes. "He won't want that pizza now," grinned the girl, } } - 20,000 feet below him, looking like a pizza. The plane wreck spiralled } } - scraping a pizza off the runway," said the doctor. The man smiled and } } - final indignity, being buried in a pizza box. Nobody else attended the } } } } Well, looks like "pizza" will figure fairly frequently... } } You owe the Oracle extra cheese. --- 675-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You wise and allknowing Oracle, with the wisdom of a thousand worlds... > > Should I start skydiving? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only if you can take the occasional fall. } } I mean, sure, there's nothing like the feel of the wind beating on } your face as you plunge towards certain doom at 140 mph, but you can } get that by sticking your head out the sunroof as you play chicken } with police cars on the wrong lane of the highway. } } I dunno. Whatever fits your budget. } } You owe the Oracle a new front bumper, new radiator, new headlights, } engine, battery, front wheels, axle, windshield, seatbelt ... Sorry, } pal, this is gonna cost ya. --- 675-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would Jim Morrison say to Kurt Cobain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is pleased that someone has finally asked it a reasonable } question, or at least one with text in the content. } } The Oracle is reminded of a quotation from the wise lyrics of Jefferson } Starship's "Connections", which goes: } } I'd like to see Jesus and Mohammed on the road to Damascus } What do you think they would say? } Would they fight with knives clencehed in their teeth, } Like Jews and ARabs today? } Or would they walk and speak, like philosophers and thinkers } [...] } } While Mr. Morrison and Mr. Cobain are hardly comparable to Jesus and } Mohammed, the question is no less valid. The Oracle has not had ample } opportunity to speak with either person, but believes the conversation } would go something like this: } } JM: Welcome to the other side, Kurt. We've been waiting for you. } } KC: Back off me, you drugged-out old hippie. You can't possibly grasp } anything I could have to say. You can't understand my generation. } } JM: I at least understand that I went out having a good time and you } just blew it, if you'll pardon the expression. Listen, man, and } I'll tell you the secret of the world in 600 pages or less. } } KC: Forget it. My pain is beyond you, man. Nobody can understand it. } Not even the people in my generation can. I alone understand my } pain. Why, just last week I actually had to read the menu at } McDonald's by myself. Of course, I couldn't. Someone should have } been there to do it for me, but they just don't understand. Oh, } the pain... } } JM: Sheesh! And I thought -I- was weird. This is a bizarre place to } say this, but maybe you should get a life. Oops, too late for } that. } } KC: Oh, the pain... } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of the soundtrack to "The Doors" } and an Andy Rooney action figure. --- 675-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [DING DONG] > > Now I wonder who that could be. > > [...step Step STEP schlick-schlock creak] > > Orrie! ... My God, what on Earth happened to you?! Well, come on in! > I'll get you some dry robes, we'll fix you some hot nectar and honey, > and you can tell us all about your trip to Ceres. Martha! Could you > put some nectar on? Everybody, it's Orrie, back from Ceres! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Orrie is now dressed in dry robes, sitting at the table, do his utmost } to remain conscious] } } It was great! ... Ceres was so surprized ... I didn't know that Zeus } even knew her ... Bacchus did the catering ... do you have some } aspirin? ... [yawn] I am so wiped! ... are the pyramids still in Egypt? } Good ... Loki got really drunk and started ragging on Neptune ... they } kicked him out when he ... [yawn] did I ask if you had any aspirin? ... } jeez, I haven't seen Marduk in ages! ... has Don Knots been elected } president yet? Or was it Bill the Cat? I don't remember ... Oh [yawn] } if you find South Dakota missing, don't worry -- we'll fix it later ... } Somehow we all wound up in the pool ... is the sun still rising in the } east? Good -- I didn't think we got that drunk ... do you have any } aspirin? ... Cupid is such a show-off! He got Pan and Freya in a corner } alone ... When Zeus found out he [yawn] ... haven't slept in an eon ... } Can I borrow a bed? ... if it hasn't stopped raining frogs in a few } days, let me know and I'll make some calls ... did I ask if you have } some aspirin? ... did you know that Aphrodite has the biggest ... } WHOOOMP! } } [Orrie falls face down in his nectar, and promptly starts snoring. A } crumpled message is discovered in his hands, which reads: "The honor of } your presence is requested at a surprize birthday party for Ceres, } Goddess of the Grain. RSVP to Zeus@Olympus.Org"] --- 675-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you do an askme? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many methods exist, each having their own advantages and disadvantages. } Here's a selection from the rec.humor.oracle FAQ: } } NAME: The Baby Technique. } METHOD: Screw your eyes up and scream. Refuse offered breast, } playthings, have nothing in your nappy, etc, but keep screaming } until you get asked a question. } ADVANTAGES: Suitable for those with limited intellectual abilities. } DISADVANTAGES: Mother might flip out and take to you with a rolling pin } before she thinks of asking a question. } } NAME: The Politician Technique. } METHOD: Deny loudly and repeatedly that you want anyone to ask you a } question. } ADVANTAGES: Avoidance of personal responsibility. } DISADVANTAGES: Very low chance of your answer getting passed through } Congress. } } NAME: The Tonya Harding Technique. } METHOD: Smash the terminals of all other possible incarnations with } a metal bar. Wait for all questions to flood your sole remaining } terminal. } ADVANTAGES: Kickbacks from Digital and Wyse. } DISADVANTAGES: The other possible incarnations include everyone who } could submit any of these questions to flood your } terminal. } } NAME: The McDonalds Technique. } METHOD: Go to McDonalds. Order anything. Be there by yourself and } order 52 hamburgers with 20 shakes. A question will still be } forthcoming. } ADVANTAGES: Medical students can combine this with their epidermology } revision. } DISADVANTAGES: "Do you want fries with that?" not exactly conducive } to classic Oracularities. } } NAME: The Bienvenida Sokolaw Technique. } METHOD: Be an extremely attractive Spanish woman in her twenties who } attends functions populated by high-ranking and elderly British } nobles, while she displays a plunging neckline and flutters her } eyelids seductively. Questions will soon be forthcoming. } ADVANTAGES: Money and a Title. } DISADVANTAGES: The wedding night. } } NAME: The Kinzler Technique. } METHOD: Send an email to "oracle@cs.indiana.edu" with the subject } "askme". } ADVANTAGES: None known. } DISADVANTAGES: "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a ......" } } You owe The Oracle the question "How would the relative economies of } the Western world be affected if soy beans grew on trees?". C'mon, I've } got *such* a funny answer. --- 675-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, I'm fifteen and my hair is falling our in clumps. What > should I do? > -SomeOne@aol.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If your hair is falling out in clumps, the first (and most obvious) } suggestion is to avoid clumps whenever possible. Staying out of them } should help the most. However, if that is not an available option, } here are a few suggestions. } } Drop AOL. Studies have shown that there are many physical } side-effects from AOL usage, among them are scorch marks, strange } typing habits, increased net.ignorance, and of course, hair loss--this } symptom is generally thought to be cause by AOL users tearing at their } hair when they see 1,000 messages in response to the message they } posted to the wrong newsgroup. } } Increase your protein intake. The Oracle recommends Jell-O. } Delicious, nutritious, and so many yummy flavors make it a tasty treat } anytime. There's always room for Jell-O. } } Try something to prevent hair loss. A good urethane or even just } a quick coat of varnish will work wonders. This will also help your } hair hold up in even the strongest wind conditions. It has also been } said that coating your head with Thompson's Water Seal once a year will } help prevent water damage. } } Lower your overall stress level. A good idea in this area is to } get outside and get a little sun and fresh air. This is a remarkably } effective, but seldom-used, cure for many computer-related ailments. } And remember, that suntan will not fade as quickly as that CRT pallor. } } Call the Hair Club for Men/Women. } } And if all else fails, wear a hat. } } You owe the Oracle a tube of Brylcreem and a bowl of Jell-O. --- 675-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and all-knowing one. Please answer my question which is > driving me mad with worry. I wouldn't trouble you with my lack > of wisdom unless it was a matter of life and death, and it is, > so please *please* please take pity on this poor confused mortal > who has heard of your benevolence and consideration from many > reliable and satisfied source. Thanks in anticipation... :-) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FEYNMAN: Paul, look at this. Big important question. Matter of life } and death. } } DIRAC: Let me see. [Takes scrap of printout from Feynman]. } Richard, what's the question? } } FEYNMAN: There is no question. } } DIRAC: That's what I thought. What do we do? } } [Feynman and Dirac look at each other.] } } TOGETHER: Call Einstein! } } [Feynman picks up the red phone and hits the redial button.] } } FEYNMAN: [Into phone] Al, we've got a question here, or rather, we } didn't get the question. We only got the grovel. And it's a } matter of life and death. } } FEYNMAN: Sure. [Reads question over phone.] } } FEYNMAN: Okay. Fine. Yeah. Thanks. } } [Feynman hangs up. Dirac looks expectantly at him.] } } FEYNMAN: He said he'll think about it. } } DIRAC: Think about it? I could have done that. } } FEYNMAN: Yeah, but you'd have taken all day. } } DIRAC: Well, you'd have been up all NIGHT. I suppose you'd have } gotten it right, though. } } FEYNMAN: Well, it doesn't matter whether Albert gets it right or not, } he's authoritative. } } [The red phone rings. Feynman picks up the receiver.] } } FEYNMAN: Hello, Al? No. That's all there was. No, I don't know where } the headers go, we never see them, they just print out the } message part for us. Anonymity, you know. No. Yes, the } computing center. I don't know, ask Ada at the exchange. } Fine. [He hangs up.] } } DIRAC: What did he want? } } FEYNMAN: He thinks the question may have been mistaken for the next } message's headers, so it should show up on some error log on } some machine. He's going to call the computing center. } } DIRAC: What? He doesn't know SMTP from NNTP! } } FEYNMAN: I suppose he could learn. } } DIRAC: Do we have time for this? It was supposed to be a matter of } life and death. } } FEYNMAN: Well, he's the genius. } } DIRAC: [Explodes] Well by God, so am I! I'm going to deduce his } question from the grovel! You can help me, or you can go get } me some coffee! } } FEYNMAN: I think I'll do both. [Feynman walks off stage.] } } DIRAC: Richard, he says the question's driving him mad with worry! } } FEYNMAN: [Off stage] Yes, and he mentioned his lack of wisdom. } } DIRAC: A matter of life and death... } } [Feynman returns with two styrofoam cups of steaming black coffee.] } } FEYNMAN: Here's your coffee. By the way, I've got it. } } DIRAC: WHAT?! Already? } } FEYNMAN: [Smiling] Paul, it's obvious! The guy got drunk, forgot to } use a rubber, and now he's scared that he's caught HIV. } } [Dirac looks suspiciously at Feynman, as the red phone suddenly } rings. He picks it up, still peering at Feynman with narrowed eyes.] } } DIRAC: Dirac. You did? [Long pause] ... } Oh... Yeah. Thanks, Albert. } } [He replaces the receiver carefully.] } } DIRAC: Albert found the missing lines, along with a new bug in } sendmail. The question reads: "Last weekend, I got so } plastered that I'm not now sure exactly what happened, but } I'm pretty certain I didn't remember to take all proper } precautions, if you know what I mean, so what I'd like to } know is, am I gonna DIE?!" } } FEYNMAN: [Incredulous] He really found the question?! } What do you know, old Albert managed to surprise me! } } DIRAC: Well, I must say you've both surprised *me*. [Shakes his } head.] So. What do we tell this guy? Has he got HIV or not? } } FEYNMAN: How would I know? But he didn't ask that, did he? } } DIRAC: You're right, he asked whether he's going to die. } } FEYNMAN: [Grinning] Exactly. } } DIRAC: Right! Bloody well he is! } } [Dirac grabs a keyboard and carefully types three letters. } They don't spell "yes".] } } FEYNMAN: Paul, you devil! } } DIRAC: Well, what do you expect? I've been here for a decade! --- 675-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How long does it take you to answer a simple question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, that's a really good question. I get asked } lots of really good questions, like the time someone } asked me if bullfrogs get athlete's foot. I had to } reasearch that one big time, going down to the library } (assuming the building I entered really was a library } and not some other building nefariously disquised to } fool me into thinking I was in a library, for what } reason I knoweth not) and having to look in the card } catalogue and then I went looking for the book but by } the time I got to the top of the stairs (assuming they } really were stairs and not some other stucture } nefariously disquised to fool me into thinking I was } climbing stairs, for what reason I knoweth not) I } forgot the book number and had to go all the way back } down the stairs (assuming they really were stairs and } not some other stucture nefariously disquised to fool } me into thinking I was climbing stairs, for what reason } I knoweth not) and then I got distracted by the fish } tank (assuming it really was a fish tank and not some } video terminal nefariously disquised to hypnotise me } into thinking things I normally wouldn't, for what } reason I knoweth not) and forgot what it was I was } looking for in the first place and while I was standing } around trying to figure out what I was supposed to be } doing (much less, why was I in a library, assuming it } was a library and not some other building nefariously } disquised to fool me into thinking I was in a library, } for what reason I knoweth not), the librarian (assuming } it really was a library and not some other building } nefariously disquised to fool me into thinking I was in } a library, for what reason I knoweth not) called the } police since she (assuming it really was a she and not } some other being nefariously disquised to fool me into } thinking I was still dealing with humans, for what } reason I knoweth not) thought I was a vagrent, and I } got arrested by a policeman (assuming it really was a } policeman and not some other being nefariously } disquised to fool me into thinking I was still dealing } with humans, for what reason I knoweth not) and they } took me off and locked me up (assuming it was a lockup } and not some other building nefariously disquised to } fool me into thinking I was in a lockup, for what } reason I knoweth not). } } You owe the Oracle (*yawn*) to stay awake as he tells } you about his bad day. --- 675-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > when the adult film where Bobbit acts will be released and where to get > it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You wouldn't want to see it anyway. All the good parts have } been cut out. --- 675-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > NOTHING IS POSSIBLE: > > This letter was written by Joxyl Ozzyfoxyl > using Microsoft Word for Windows on a PC. > Two days later, his department was dissolved during a hostile takover > leaving Joxyl jobless and the PC homeless. > > The floppy disk was found by Josh Doesjack > during the liquidation of the company assets. > After printing this letter, the disk jammed and destroyed the floppy > drive and the printer self destructed by strangling itself with the > ribbon. > > Josh tried to throw out the letter > but on the way to the recycling bin it was intercepted by Jane Dogong > who typed it neatly on her IBM selectric typewriter. > 3 days later, her typewriter was replaced by a word processor > that required constant servicing and never worked repliably. > Jane's efficiency rating plummeted > and her self esteem was irreverably damaged. > > One copy of this letter went to John Ackers at IBM. > He was caught copying the letter on an office copier > and was fired for using office copiers for personal business. > > In the charred remains of a cabin, the cause of the fire > was determined to be due to a laser printer that overheated > while printing this letter. > > This letter has been around the world by INTERNET 6 times, > causing a wake of destruction and mayhem wherever it stays more than 2 > minutes. > > Whatever you do, DO NOT COPY THIS LETTER! > IT WILL BRING YOU BAD LUCK! > DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, I like that! It's funny. I think I'll save a co