From oracle-request Fri Sep 23 08:23:59 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA18226; Fri, 23 Sep 1994 08:23:59 -0500 Date: Fri, 23 Sep 1994 08:23:59 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #678 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 678 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #678 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 23 Sep 1994 08:23:59 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 678 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 673 70 votes gwh50 4glm7 hfjg3 4lji8 58nmc 6fjo6 7ipe6 19Bh6 4bokb 2fjp9 673 3.0 mean 2.2 3.2 2.6 3.1 3.4 3.1 2.9 3.3 3.3 3.3 --- 678-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Sceptical Mr. Dirac, > What happens to physicists when they die and go to Hell? > > Yours, R.F. > > P.S. You owe me that coffee! ;-) > > [Richard, stop fooling around with my mail server! -Albert] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Satan stopped accepting physicists into hell because they turned out to } be no fun at all. He would crank up the heat only to discover that the } physicists were busy analyzing the type and quantity of heat in order } to find the cause. He tried putting them to work solving the three } body problem and massively complex Schrodenger's equations, but they } actually enjoyed it. The final straw came when the physicists managed } to put the lesser demons to sleep by giving lectures in their } specialties. By this time, Satan had had enough and sent them upwards } to annoy the angels. } } Go to your neighborhood coffee shop, get your cup of coffee, and tell } them to put it on the Oracle's tab. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Dante's Inferno. --- 678-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Oh racle > > > > Will your answer to this question be sufficently funny/humorous to be > > selected and posted in the next digest? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } It won't be funny or humorous but it will be SASSY. > > So Oh wise one, who's elegance matches the best model on GQ, whose > inteligence is 34 times the product of all our IQs, tell me and show me > that you can do better than that!. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I could do it, but I'm too intelligent to jump through hoops for you. } } No, seriously. I mean it. } } You write me with your questions, your "oh-dear-Oracle" fake smarmy } nonsense and claim that it gives you some sort of right to a straight } answer, or at least a humorous one. Even worse, you dare to CHALLENGE } me, like I was some sort of toy that you can wind up. "Oracle, fix my } sex life." "Oracle, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck....?" } "Oracle, do better than that!" } } Well, I'm SICK of it! Do you hear me? Sick, sick, sick! [sic] Go } back to your instant-gratification Nintendo-addict lifestyle and leave } me to sulk on Parnassus! My health perfect, my future assured, my } ethereal gauzed-clothed priests and priestesses at my side, ready to } fulfill my every whim. Can't you see I'm living in Hell? How quickly } I'd trade it to be one of the faceless querying masses, not having to } be RIGHT and FUNNY all the time.... } } You owe the Oracle a ride down to the Montel Williams studios for his } guest shot on the "Self-Pitying Omniscient Deity-Like Creatures" } segment to air next sweeps week. --- 678-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-seeing Oracle, without whom the robot would be diploid, grant me > this morsel of your omniscience. > > Suppose (just hypothetically, now) that a sixteen year old computer > geek were to etherize a snake in the woods and sneak it into his > eighteen-year old sister's bed, just to give her a hypothetical scare, > and the snake were to wake up and bite the next person who came into > the bed, and suppose (just hypothetically now) that their parents were > away and the person who happened to be next in the bed was her > boyfriend, let's call him Jeff, and suppose (simply for the sake of > argument, remember) that the snake turned out to be a rattlesnake, > well, what should the computer geek do with the rattlesnake and the > poisoned naked Jeff and the screaming naked sister, even without the > fact that the dining room table is now a heap of smouldering rubble > from the chemistry experiments? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You don't want to know. (I read alt.sex.stories) --- 678-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, please tell me how can I become number one in the > Class of 1996? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kill every other member of your class. --- 678-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > your Oracleness, > > Please tell me > > Why do birds suddenly appear > Every time > You are near? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I just washed my car. --- 678-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle: > > Can we all just get along? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, except for those of us who have been sprayed by skunks recently. --- 678-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "In purely practical terms, it is obviously easier for action to be > taken by one House without submission to the President; but it is > crystal clear from the records of the Convention, contemporaneous > writings and debates, that the Framers ranked other values higher than > efficiency." INS v. Chadha, 462 U.S. 919, 958-59 (1983). > > Query: Might this be an appropriate slogan for the Net? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I'm sorry to say that it would not be an appropriate slogan for the } Net. Here are some worthwhile, appropriate slogans for you to consider. } } 10. Think LINK! } } 9. The Net: It's not just for UNIX anymore! } } 8. The Internet: Unlike on the Information Super-Highway, } our smiling faces are still sideways. } } 7. Preferred over TV by Green Card lawyers, 1000 to 1! } } 6. I want my HDTV. } } 5. The net is my life. Work is my hobby. Family? } } 4. IM N0T A N3RD. IM A DW33B. WHAT R U, D00D? } } 3. -----END PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- } } 2. I'm a net surfer on the Information Super-Highway. } } and the number one slogan is... } } 1. Post, and the world posts with you. Browse the Web, } and you browse alone. } } You owe the Oracle an additional day of the week. I just can't keep up } with newsgroups like I used to... --- 678-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many nuns does it take to change a light-bulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } nun! } } Ewe oh thee Oracle uh spell checker that catches puns with know } trouble at awl. --- 678-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where i can get information about saling cars > using Internet? I seek "Mersedes-500" specialy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try rec.sailing.cars. I gotta tell you, though, those } automobile-sailing folks don't post a whole lot. They sink } a *lot* of money into their sports, if you see what I mean. --- 678-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is easiest way to let a guy down without hurting his feelings?... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Spend an entire weekend with him engaged in mad, passionate sex. } Afterwards, explain to him that the lovemaking session was so } wonderful, so perfect, so exquisite that neither of you could ever come } close to such enjoyment again. It would be like trying to duplicate } Citizen Kane or Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band or the Sistine } Chapel or Hamlet. No, it would be better if both of you took vows of } celibacy, and medidated upon this near-Nirvana experience in the } solitude of the Andes and Alps, respectively. With patience and } dedication, hopefully, you will each be able to return to that higher } plane of consciousness without all that sweaty grunting. Give him a } final kiss, look dreamily into the Alpine distance, and stride } purposefully out the door, never looking back. } } When you get to your car, haul ass for home and change your phone } number.