From oracle-request Mon Oct 3 07:54:14 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA23676; Mon, 3 Oct 1994 07:54:14 -0500 Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 07:54:14 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #680 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 680 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #680 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 07:54:14 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 680 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 675 73 votes 6emn8 aun82 dmn96 aclm8 8crec 6oob8 57gpk kok45 64qra 7eogc 675 3.0 mean 3.2 2.5 2.6 3.1 3.1 2.9 3.7 2.3 3.4 3.2 --- 680-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle! When will I finally stop having > such rotten luck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's your good luck horoscope: } } Wednesday: You will find newfound fame. (Samples of } your DNA will be found in OJ Simpson's Ford } Bronco.) } } Thursday: You will find love. (And lose it again, } when they kick you out of the Kennedy } compound.) } } Friday: Your boss will give you a bonus. (And your } termination papers.) } } Saturday: You will discover a new love. (And, since } Michael and Lisa-Marie are now married, } you'll make it a threesome.) } } Sunday: You will have a day of relaxation. (Because } with a hangover like that, are you going to } get out of bed?) } } Monday: You will no longer owe any debts } as of Monday. (The bankruptcy court will } seize all of your assets and pay off your } creditors.) } } Tuesday: You will find a four-leaf clover. (Near your } new home in a shopping cart under the bridge } by the railroad tracks.) } } So, it looks like good luck is heading your way in only a week! } } You owe the Oracle a four-leaf clover. --- 680-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If all the world is a stage, what does that make you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The critic that can close the play on the first night. --- 680-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the Question to the Answer of Life, the Universe, and > Everything? > I just know you're willing to risk the Univere being destroyed, > because you're immortal anyway, O Great One. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? --- 680-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, oracle most wise, oh whom I humbly approach wearing sackcloth and > ashes (excuse me -- ,), please favor this inadequate > one with a glimmer of your infinite wisdom and limitless compassion and > understanding... > > I have a friend who works at, well, an unnamed place, and is going on a > trip to, well, I'd rather not say, to see her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend > and some, I'd rather not say how many, of his friends, of whom I don't > know any of their names (I hope that's not important). I believe she > feels obligated to go, but would much rather stay, well, elsewhere, and > indulge in shamelessly hedonistic behavior. > > I would like to offer her advice, but I am at a loss. Should she stay > or should she go now? > > I remain utterly fearful and cowed by your magnificence. > > PS. Does sackcloth go into the Cotton, Knit or Delicate cycle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Be honest with your friend. After all, true love comes from the soul, } not the groin. If she really thinks that she should see her boyfriend } one last time to say goodbye, encourage her. A cheap sexual encounter } won't do anything but hurt her, even if she ... } } Hello? Is someone there? Funny, could've sworn I heard someone.... } } Hey! Get off me! Leggo my mout you battid! Agh! Hlp! Hlp! Mrdr! } } Okay. There we go. Don't worry, supplicant, we'll take Sensitive Boy } back to America Online and lock him in the Chat Rooms for a month. } That should be enough punishment. This, by the way, is the REAL Usenet } Oracle, who has been locked in a closet by this dweeb for the past five } weeks. Look, how was I to know that he wasn't really an Amway guy when } I let him in? } } All I can say is this: If your friend isn't indulging in shamelessly } hedonistic behavior, that's her business. If she's indulging in it, } but not with you, then that's YOUR business. That answer your } question? If not, come on, I've been living in a closet and fed Pot } Noodles for more than a month. } } P.S. Warm wash, cold rinse, no bleach, tumble dry low. --- 680-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, who is really, uh, great, y'know what I mean, and does > really, uh, wonderful things or something like that. > > Oracle, Tower Records in Piccadilly Circus, London, have just put in > new CD listening posts, where each post has two pairs of headphones to > listen to the same CD. Which means that you have to agree with the > person next to you about which CD to listen to and which track, and get > their agreement to change. > > Given that Tower Records is always packed to the brim with French, > German, and Arab girls on holiday, these listening posts are such an > astonishingly cool idea that it MUST have come from you. > > Oracle, please can you show me the question from Tower Records and your > answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is obvious what the question was. You may consider yourself lucky } that I even deign to answer. } } >Oh great Oracle, King of the West, Light of my Life, Soup of the Day, } >As the manager of Tower Records, please tell me... } >How can I encourage the spread of global friendship in my humble } >abode, and get the young people of today to enjoy and share in life's } >rich tapestry together? To share in life's experiences, it's highs and } >lows? } > } >Failing that, how can I help them to get laid? } } My reply need not follow, as you have already experienced for yourself } the hours of fulfilment that can be had. } } Note: watch out for the Swedish backpackers... --- 680-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > about family reunions And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you live in West Virginia, family reunions are the best places to } find a date. --- 680-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, omnipotent oracle, please answer me this question; > Why do we have to use Pine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Good question. Isn't this a good question, Feynman? } Feynman: Yeah, it's a really good one. } Oracle: Why *do* we have to use Pine, anyway? } Feynman: I don't bloody well know. } Oracle: Then let's find out, shall we? Fortunately I have the phone } number for the Pine Dev Team right here... 1-800-PINE-DEV. } Phone: Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep click } click riiing riiing rii- } Voice [on other end of phone]: Pine Dev Team. You're talking to Vinny. } Oracle: Hi, Vinny. I was wondering why we had to use Pine. } Vinny: Huh? } Oracle: Yeah, see, it's the Usenet Oracle, and I have this query here, } this guy wants to know why we have to use Pine. I mean, come } on, after all those thousands of secret Energy Department } dollars funneled into your project, you'd think you could come } up with a decent mail reader. } Vinny: Mail reader? We didn't design Pine as a mail reader. } Oracle: What? } Vinny: No, it's one of those whatchamacallits. } Oracle: Extremely confusing and irritating logic puzzles? } Vinny: Yeah, that's it! Say, you're really the Usenet Oracle? } [ZOT] } Vinny: Uh, I guess so. } Oracle: Sorry about your dog. } Vinny: No problem. I was going to take it down to the river, put it in } a sack with a few bricks and drop it in anyway. No, like I was } saying, here's a secret: if you press Ctrl-Q, Shift-W, Alt-6 and } cross your eyes at the same time, you'll enter the Secret Mode. } Oracle: I'm intrigued. Tell me more. } Vinny: Well, you can type pine -idchoppers to add a MIME-compliant } bitmap of a chainsaw to all your posts. Or pine -mortalkombat2ii } to make a fake beta of Pine appear on wuarchive in the incoming } directory. Or - and this one is my favorite - you can use pine } -oak -burgundy to send a false order for a new wood living room } set to your nearest Sears branch. } Oracle: Hold on. That's pine -oak -burgundy is it? } Vinny: Yep. } Oracle: Cool. So it's not a mail reader? } Vinny: Nope. I guess you could use it that way, but we're too busy } adding new secret command line switches to worry about reading } mail with it. } Oracle: Okay. Thanks, Vinny. } Vinny: No problem. [Click] } Phone: Bzzzz. } } You owe the Oracle a whole new bunch of kewl Mortal Kombat II } fatalities. --- 680-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise please tell me what a lamp post is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } lamp post --- abbreviation for lamp, post-modern. } } Traditional (classical) lamps are designed to give light, whereas the } lamp post is designed to take all available photons and anti-photons, } store them, mix them, and emit them at very fast and random intervals } with an MTV soundtrack backing. In this way, the 'problem' of darkness } is dealt with, not in a Hegelian way, by finding the antithesis } (light), but by calling into question the outmoded linear concepts of } light, darkness and vision. } } You owe the Oracle dinner with an English major. --- 680-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do babies come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Marxists: From the dialectical interaction of male and female. } } Deconstructionists: The 'baby' is simply a complex multicellular } lifeform, arising in a random way from other such lifeforms. Attempting } to work out a pattern in such procedures is not a useful activity. } } Mystics: The baby does not come from or go anywhere. It just *is* } } rec.humor readers: } } >>>>>>>Please could you email me the list of baby jokes? } .. } .. } > Me too! } } Postmodernists: MTV } } Republicans: Irresponsible welfare mothers on *OUR* tax dollars! } } College Freshmen: Is this going to be on the test? } } Mathematicians: Let f be a function with domain the set P of people } (indexed by the set {1 ... 5,000,000,000} and range the set {M, F}. Now } let g be a mapping from the set P^2 to N, with } } g(x,y) = 0 if f(x) = f(y) } geometrically distributed otherwise } } We say that g(x,y) is the number of babies born to couple x,y } Exercise: If f, g are randomly chosen, then with probability > 0.99999, } there is some pair (x,y) with g(x,y) > 0 } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Planned Parenthood. --- 680-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, > I am a completely sad and lonely boy. I can't get girls, > boys, or small pets to come near me. I can't even get a "God bless > you" from someone, much less a backrub. The hormones are coursing > through my body and I have no outlet Oracle, please tell me that > there is someone for me in my now bleak future! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear not, humble supplicant! Your future is assured, in fact, here's a } rundown of significant events in your life yet to happen (some names } changed to protect the guilty): } } September, 1994: After months of pubescent angst (and long hours in } the bathroom), Supplicant X. writes to The Usenet O. to ask what he } should do. } } January, 1995: Thanks to success of "My So-Called Life" the angstful } keep-away-from-me-or-I'll-be-moody-at-you look catches on among aimless } youth worldwide. Supplicant X. realizes that he is now just like } everybody else (except much better at it thanks to his head start) and } gets laid by a girl who changed her name to Apathy after handing in her } resignation from the "whole human race thing". } } February, 1995: The Usenet O., meeting Apathy at a rave in Memphis, } comments on Supplicant X.'s transformation. Apathy, however, doesn't } care, and tries to get O. in the sack. O., not having been affected by } the truly astronomical quantities of drugs floating around, decides } against it. } } Later that same night: The Usenet O. meets Supplicant X., who is being } courted by record executives, despite the fact that X. cannot sing and } in fact has never done anything musical in his life. Quote: "We need a } new enigma; Cobain shot himself, Vedder's getting almost } comprehensible, we think that X. could be the one!" } } October, 1995: _A Sad And Lonely Boy_ (S. Music, 43mins.) skyrockets } to the top of the charts on the basis of X.'s refusal to do interviews, } appear in public, or even perform for any kind of audience whatsoever. } _Rolling Stone_ raves and compares X. to Jim Morrison. _Spin_ raves } and compares him to Kurt Cobain. _Better Homes & Gardens_ runs an } article on greener, lusher rose bushes. } } November, 1995: Dirty rumors about Supplicant X. thinking "Hey, people } like me, maybe I'm not such a bad person after all" are hotly denied by } top officials at S. Music, who fear losing their latest gold mine - uh, } voice of a generation. } } December, 1995: Supplicant X. dies in bed with five women, all of them } named Apathy, while under the influence of way too much Prozac. } } And thus, Supplicant X., though your future may be short, it will have } someone for you, and her name is Apathy. } } You owe O. a flannel shirt.