From oracle-request Tue Oct 11 19:57:32 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA18895; Tue, 11 Oct 1994 19:57:32 -0500 Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 19:57:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #682 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 682 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #682 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 19:57:32 -0500 @@@ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USENET ORACLE! @@@ @@@ 8 October 1994 marks the 5th anniversary of the Oracle's presence on @@@ the Net. Let the festivities begin ... To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 682 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 677 78 votes 8kyd3 5djqf 7rtb4 hxl61 2jwk5 03opq ghog5 4ccnr 7myc3 4edmp 677 3.1 mean 2.8 3.4 2.7 2.2 3.1 3.9 2.7 3.7 2.8 3.6 --- 682-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please, Mr. Oracle, can I have my ball back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Lisa is making her special Soupe a la gonade, and you should be } honored to contribute to the cause. But just to show you how nice a } guy I am, here's a band-aid. } } You owe the Oracle nothing - you've paid in advance. --- 682-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH GREAT ORACLE, SHOW ME THE POWER OF YOUR WISDOM... > > WHY IS IT ACCIDENTAL DEATH WHEN SOMEONE FALLS OFF THEIR 10TH > STORY APARTMENT BALCONY, BUT IF ONE OF HIS FRIENDS GIVE THE LOSER A > HEALTHY PUSH, SO HE CAN CLEAR THE PARKED CARS IN THE STREET BELOW AND > LAND IN THE PIZZA HUT PARKING LOT--IT IS MURDER? > > ON DEATH ROW WAITING. > > #10564-8988 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT!!! The Oracle hears just fine, thank you, so } take your keyboard off of all caps. } } Having reviewed the transcripts of your trial, it seems you left out } some relevent details: } } 1) The apartment building your "buddy" was living in was adjacent to } the Acme foam rubber demonstration yard. } } 2) A length of bungee cord was wrapped around your "buddy's" foot. } Examination of the end of the cord revealed a cut half way through. } } 3) Your buddy had traces of arsenic, cyanide, clorox, and that new } gelatin drink "Gelooze" in his system. (The oracle suggest's you look } in Websters under the heading "Overkill"). } } 4) Don't forget the business of the white Bronco (see Plagerism, } ibid.) } } These facts in mind, it becomes obvious why you were convicted -- you } couldn't afford a better lawyer. } ----- } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A SET OF EARPLUGS!! --- 682-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who is always Correct, Politically or otherwise, > please answer my question of great seriousness... > > The other day, a friend and I were driving along and he said, "Boy! Do > you see that girl over there? She's a real dog, isn't she?" Now I know > that he was being speciesist when he said "dog", and ablist when he > said "see", but what I really want to know is this: > > What should I call my friend? Is he "differently correct"? > Maybe he's "euphimistically challenged". Or should I say that > he is "a person with an inconvenient value system"? > > I anticipate your always-correct reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frankly, I'm having difficulty seeing why you hang around with someone } who calls you "boy" -- I wouldn't stand for it, myself -- but in answer } to your terminological question, the debate as to what to call those } who used to be known as "stupid, bigoted schmucks" has only been } settled recently. Academic writers have been using classically-formed } technical terms like "stultuphalloi" for decades, but members of the } community in question felt such terms had an overly clinical feel. } Meanwhile, attempts by radical groups to recapture such terms as } "schmuck" and "dickweed" (as in the slogan "We're schmucks, we're here, } get used to it, you dumb Polack") have met with extremely limited } success, and some have raised the objection that those two terms in } particular are phallocentric. } } However, in recent years a consensus has emerged. Noting that of all } minority-group names, the most successful, least ambiguous, and longest } used is "lesbian", which is derived from the name of a randomly chosen } Greek island, it was decided that future group names should be chosen } on similar principles of geographic arbitrariness. In particular, the } World Council on Onomastics declared in 1992 that stupid, bigoted } schmucks should henceforth be called "belgians", a decision that was } ratified by the United Nations General Assembly by a vote of 271 to 1. } The newly named belgian community responded favorably, saying "Huh, } huh, huh, they said 'onomastic'." } } You owe the Oracle a Belgian-Lesbian dictionary. --- 682-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *********************************************************************** > * _ _ JOEUSER@SOME.NET.DOMAIN.COM * > * \\\\ JOEUSER@AOL.COM * > * \\\\ * > * \_\__ "It's a sad, crying clown in an iron lung! * > * / \ I've always wanted one of those!" * > * | /_ _\\ * > * | \ \\ \\ "You are useless and pathetic! Like a useless * > * | _ \@ \@_\ and pathetic thing!" * > * \_\ \/ _ ___ * > * \ \ "He can't throw you know... __ _/_/ _/ * > * |\ ## \ We're as good as dead!" ___ / /__/ \ * > * | \____/ \ \__/&// / \ * > * _/\ /\_ \__\ /&/ __ | * > * /// \/ \\\ | /_____/ * > * / \ \_________/ * > * * > *********************************************************************** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: What the hell...JOE! *bzzt* Joe, get in my office PRONTO!!! } } Joe: *POOF* Wha...huh...ho...OH! Um..hi, boss. } } Oracle: Joe, what part of your job description don't you understand? } I hired YOU and every other person who works in the Supplicantal Slave } Pits to write me QUESTIONS!!! Get it? QUESTIONS! } } Joe: I-I-I know, sir. But hear me out... } } Oracle: QUESTIONS! And so, Mr. Joe, would you mind explaining to me } just why the hell you just sent me...some ASCII pictures of a surprised } Indian and a baby rhino? } } Joe: They're Rocko and Spunky, sir. Cartoons on.. } } Oracle: I'M OMNISCIENT, YOU OAF! I know what they are; I was telling } you what they LOOKED LIKE! And I don't care if they're supposed to be } Mother Theresa and an emaciated spider monkey...they're not QUESTIONS! } } Joe: Sir, please, hear me out. It's all part of my new idea to make } the Oracularities publication bigger, better and more profitable. Could } I just please run the scheme by you...I know you'll love it. } } Oracle: *Sigh* All right, Joe. But this damn well better be a whole } lot better than your E-Mail scratch 'n sniff card idea. } } Joe: You won't be sorry, boss! See, it's like this: The trend in } magazine and newspaper publication is going towards graphic arts. Look } at USA today: 100 million circulation every issue! And how do they do } it? Lots of pretty pictures, pie charts, full color weather maps -- } hardly any news worth spitting at, but since the paper LOOKS good, } people think it IS good. } } Oracle: Go on. Though I already know where you're going with this. } } Joe: Ok. Newsweek, Time, and all the major news mags are all } following USA Today's lead on the graphic arts thing in order to } increase their subscriptions. The way I see it, if we jumped on the } bandwagon at this point and started including artwork along with our } questions and answers, our circulation would skyrocket! We'd easily } compete with all the major news magazines -- and eventually, even } surpass them. } } Oracle: So you think if we put ASCII art in our Oracularities, we could } become so popular, we can start charging money. Maybe $10.00 per } issue... } } Joe: Or more! And with the proceeds, we.. } } Oracle: We? You mean _I_... } } Joe: Um, yes, sir. YOU...can take over the world!! } } Oracle: *evil grin* Joe, after your lame-brained idea of } mass-merchandising Usenet Oracle Woodchuck Chips, I had pegged you as } an idiot. But I must say, this is a rare stroke of brilliance. } } Joe: Glad you like it, sir. So, do you think since the idea's so } good, maybe you can set me free from the Slave Pits and give me back my } family? } } Oracle: I wouldn't go that far, Joe. You'll get a second helping of } gruel tonight, and after dinner, I'll have you flogged with a scourge } instead of a split-bamboo cane. Cause you see, if I'm to clutch the } entire world in my tyrannical grasp, I'll need all the grunt-work I can } get. } } (A startling series of *POOFS*. An exact duplicate of the Oracle } appears, followed immediately by four teenagers and a big brown dog) } } Fred (the tall blonde guy): Not so fast, so-called-Oracle. } } So-called-Oracle, Joe: WHAT??? } } Shaggy: Zoiks! Man, Orrie, like that guy behind the desk looks just } like you! } } Scooby-Doo: Ruhh-huh! } } Oracle: He may LOOK like me, Shaggy, but rest assured, he's not. Velma, } pull off the mask. } } Velma: (rips mask off so-called Oracle) Look! It's Michael Eisner, } chairman of Disney! } } Eisner: Curses, curses, curses! I would have gotten away with it...if } if wasn't for you meddling KIDS! } } Fred: We should have known from the start. The REAL Oracle is a } peaceful, benevolent, non-profit entity devoted to understanding and } world peace through E-Mail. He would NEVER stoop to crass } commercialism. } } Oracle: Never! Not even for Pizza Hut (tm)! } } Shaggy: Like, another case solved, huh, Scoob? } } Joe: Um, does this mean I can go home now? } } Fred: Nope. Since every Scooby-Doo episode has something to do with } Shaggy and Scooby eating something, they're going to roll you in a } giant tortilla shell and cover you in salsa. } } Scooby-Doo: Rhmmm-mmmm! } } Everyone: *laughs* (except for Joe, who screams bloodily) } } *CUE END MUSIC* --- 682-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh amazing Oracle. Please solve this prolem for me. > Where do the characters go when i use backspace on my PC? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Amazing? I answer questions from around the globe - WITH omniscience - } and the best thing you can think to call me is amazing?? Before asking } a DUMB question?? Oh well. If you must know, the characters can go to } different places, depending on whom you ask: } --- } } The Catholic's approach to characters: } } The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The } characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are } soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in } sight. Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have } never been, er, involved with other characters. Often, you'll see A's } or I's with N's or T's. These are characters in love: monogamous on } the page, together again after deletion. You'll see quite a few Q's } too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no good reason. } } The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were } wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty } character is, I'll tell you. Naughty characters are those involved in } the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity," } and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," "reproductive } freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask, and rightly so, } why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact } they are not responsible for their own configuration. But we feel that } a character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own } configuration. If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming, } it would rebel. } } The Buddhist Explanation: } } If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it } has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher } character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard } will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters } will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will } become C's. Why C, you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a character's } karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale, } ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space. } } The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: } } Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of } meaningless nothingness. It doesn't really matter if they're on the } page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same. More } characters should delete themselves. } (nihilist characters are easy to identify. They're usually pale and } tragic, and they smoke a lot.) } } The Mac user's explanation: } } All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC } hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted } characters, because you're in PC hell also. } } Stephen King's explanation: } } Every time you hit the key you unleash a tiny monster inside the } cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks } their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah! } } Dave Barry's explanation: } } The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where } they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so } flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. I'm not making } any of this up. } } IBM's explanation: } } The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they } are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to } de-conceptualize them. Get a life. } } PETA's Explanation: } } You've been DELETING them???? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why } don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!! } } --- } You owe The Oracle some funky characters, like that big German thing } that looks like a B but sounds like an SS. Or a few fun Thai or } Japanese letters. Anything that would be particularly amusing to } delete. --- 682-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > I have three cats. Two speak normally and say 'miaow', > but the third, still a kitten, says 'miaowmaiow'. > Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cat translation dictionary } Volume I -- Common phrases } } compiled by T. U. Oracle } } Cat phrase Means } ========== ===== } miaow Feed me. } } meeow Pet me. } } mrooww I love you. } } Miioo-oo-oo I am in love and must meet my } betrothed outside beneath the hedge. } Don't wait up. } } mrow I feel like making noise. } } rrrow-mawww Please, the time is come to tidy } the cat box. } } rrrow-miawww I have remedied the cat box untidiness } by shoveling the contents as far out } of the box as was practical. } } miaowmiaow Play with me. } } Miaowmioaw Have you noticed the shortage of } available cat toys in this room? } } mioawmioaw Since I can find nothing better to } play with, I shall see what happens } when I sharpen my claws on this } handy piece of furniture. } } raowwwww I think I shall now spend time } licking the most private parts } of my anatomy. } } mrowwwww I am now recalling, with } sorrow, that some of my private } parts did not return with me } from that visit to the vet. } } Roww-maww-roww I am so glad to see that you have } returned home with both arms full } of groceries. I will now rub myself } against your legs and attempt to } trip you as you walk towards the } kitchen. } } gakk-ak-ak My digestive passages seem to have } formed a hairball. Wherever could } this have come from? I shall leave } it here upon the carpeting. } } mow Snuggling is a good idea. } } moww Shedding is pretty good, too. } } mowww! I was enjoying snuggling and shedding } in the warm clean laundry until you } removed me so unkindly. } } Miaow! Miaow! I have discovered that, although one } may be able to wedge his body through } the gap behind the stove and into that } little drawer filled with pots and pans, } the reverse path is slightly more } difficult to navigate. } } Mraakk! Oh, small bird! Please come over here. } } ssssRoww! I believe that I have found a } woodchuck or similar animal. } } mmmrowmmm It is certain that the best tasting } fish is one you have caught yourself. } } mmmmmmm If I sit in the sunshine for another } hour or so, I think I shall be } satisfied. } } Mreoaw Please ask room service to send up } another can of tunafish. } } Mreeeow Do you serve catnip with that? } } mroow I have forced my body into a tiny } space in order to look cute. } How'm I doin? } } Miaooww! Mriaow! Since you are using the can opener, } I am certain that you understand the } value of a well-fed and pampered } cat. Please continue. } } As you can see, it may take years of practice to be able to accurately } distinguish some of these forms. } } You owe the Oracle a can opener that doesn't require an opposable } thumb. --- 682-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do hummingbirds hum? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is this another woodchuck question? --- 682-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > neurotic ranting.....non-sequitur rambling....finger pointing.... > ....loud scream....laughing....howling at the sky....more ranting.... > moans of woe....excited mumbles....indifferent grunt....silence. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } magnificent presence...disdainful approach...heavy shoulders.....deep } sigh... smooth motion....mighty blow to skull...slumping collapse.... } quiet exhalation....trickle of liquid....silence. } } oracle debt... --- 682-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh great oracle, why do people get married and divorced? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } People get married because of a cultural decision on monogamy enforced } in law and made public. (At least this applies in the western world). } Marriage can serve as a status quo thing, or for legal purposes. In my } belief, it is not necessary for two people who love each other to be } joined in marriage: its just a technicality, and the pressure of } society on young couples minds concommitant with tradition and } commercialised weddings, all act to make people marry each other. } Religion is also important here (but not purely rational). } } Divorce? Well, first some philosophical background: } } The Prisoners' Dilemma: } } Two people get caught but all evidence is circumstantial. The } cops get them into two separate rooms and say to each: "We have } enough on you alone to give you 5 years in the clink. However, if } you confess and tell us exactly what happened, we'll give you 1 } and the other guy will get 9." However, the prisoners know that } if they both confess, they will get 10 each. } } Their dilemma is summarised in this diagram: } } B: Confess Silence } A: ----------- ----------- } Confess | A:10 B:10 | A:1 B:9 | } -----------+----------- } Silence | A:9 B:1 | A:5 B:5 | } ----------- ----------- } } Even if A and B get together to talk, and still completely } understand their predicament, they'll say "Hey, look: if we both } confess we're in for shit. If we both stay silent, hey! we're out } in 5!" They both shake hands and agree to say silent and as they } walk away they think to themselves "Sucker! As if i'm going to } stay silent and stay 4 more years than I need to!" } } From a dynamics point of view you can imagine that the two } prisoners start off at (5,5) and in this unstable state both wish } to move towards the lower sentence of 1 year, (ie up and left) } which drags them into the (10,10) category. } } The cops have them right where they want them. } } Divorce from marriage is a similar thing. If the couple really love } each other then divorce will never enter their heads. They will stay at } 5,5 - the best for the pair. As soon as the penalty after moving } becomes less than 5 (in this case, if the husband (or wife) sees that } s/he can be better off if he gets the house and car all to him/herself) } then the system will quickly move to the catastrophic state - ie where } neither of them get the house or car - instead they end up worse then } they started. Why? for the same reason that the prisoners will dob each } other in: because they believe that if they _DONT_, then the other } _WILL_. Even if its (say) the wife's mother urging her to divorce and } get the house & car quickly before her husband does it. } } You owe the oracle the delight of seeing happy and long-lasting } marriage. --- 682-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and knowledgeable oracle > could you give me some interesting e-mail adresses > and LISTSERVs which may be almost as fun as your > own. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Glad to oblige. My LISTSERV LISTSERV is currently down, but here are } some email addresses to keep you busy: } } fi@lux -- A good place to start. Very enlightening. } } cave@emptor -- Bargains galore. Have your credit card number handy. } } ruby@of.omar.khayam -- If you've got the bread, they've got the } jug-wine. } } magnific@in.d -- A lot of Bach-talk. } } darmok@tenagra -- For serious Trekkies only. } } You owe the Oracle a box of c&y and some good #.