From oracle-request Wed Oct 19 14:17:39 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA02371; Wed, 19 Oct 1994 14:17:39 -0500 Date: Wed, 19 Oct 1994 14:17:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #684 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 684 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #684 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 19 Oct 1994 14:17:39 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 684 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 679 77 votes 76qqc bdom7 8mqf6 jtg94 eqhi2 alhm7 6buhd 5eshd tfdd7 7atkb 679 2.9 mean 3.4 3.0 2.9 2.4 2.6 2.9 3.3 3.2 2.4 3.2 --- 684-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, oracle most wise. How did the dinosaurs become extinct? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Way back in the Jurassic era, dinosaurs thrived and flourished. They } were everywhere. They practically ruled the Earth. And of course } they had the Oracle to give advice and generally help them. } } And it so happened that one day, an extremely clever dinosaur asked } the Oracle the following question: } } > How many bites could a trilobite trill if a trilobite could trill } > bites? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Come on, there must be more important things to ask me. Don't } } bother me with such silly questions, I've got better things to do } } (I'm working on a neat experiment with small mammals right now.) } } And the millenia passed, and yet another dinosaur asked the Oracle: } } > How many bites could a trilobite trill if a trilobite could trill } > bites? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } That question again?! Next one to ask it gets ZOTted on the spot! } } Do you know what a hard day I've had working on those primitive } } monkeys? } } And it came to pass that a certain purple dinosaur asked the Oracle: } } > Oh Orrie , you are so wonderful and cute, come on and tell } > your friend Barney how many bites could a trilobite trill if a } > trilobite could trill bites? I love you!! } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } THAT DOES IT! } } The subsequent <***ZOT!***> destroyed 90% of the Earth's dinosaur } population, and sterilized the remaining 10%. And then the Oracle } added: } } } as an afterthought, why don't we release those damned monkeys now } } and see if they can do any better than the godzilla-faces? } } Unfortunately, as you probably already know, the monkeys turned out to } be just as annoying as the dinosaurs, if not more so. Even worse, } they've resurrected that unspeakable purple menace... hmm, perhaps } it's time for my new, improved cockroaches now? } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ky) a big purple zipper. --- 684-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose limitless insights inspire and confound even the wisest > of men, whose incisiveness delights the simple and the great alike, > prithee tell me the answer I seek: > > When an irresistable force meets an immovable object, do they generally > end up dating? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but always at the latter's place. } } You owe the Oracle a your mother-in-law in spandex. --- 684-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oracle- > I am requesting information on the New York City and Chicago > fire departments. I would like to be able to access this info through > the internet system. Please send me an answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: a small room in a New York City police station. The } room has no windows and is vaguely grimy in the manner that } only a very old, heavily used building can achieve. Several } plainclothes officers are smoking and questioning a strikingly } handsome man, who is sitting on a chair in the center of the } room with a bright light shining in his face. The questioned } person radiates a faint glow of omniscience. We can just hear } his half of the questioning.] } } "Hey, man, I don't know nothing about no fire departments, OK? } Those fires musta been accidents or something. Yeah, I know } the guy had just sent in the "How much wood..." question for } the 87th time, what's that got to do with anything? He was } probably smoking in bed or somethin', he was a dumb fool } anyway, always asking stupid stuff. OK, so he didn't smoke, } maybe he had a friend over or something. Alright, so he didn't } have any friends, how should I know how the fire started? } Whaddya mean, the neighbors said they saw a blinding flash of light } before the fires? What's that got to do with me? No, like I } told ya before, I don't know anything about this "zot" thing, } you must have the wrong guy. No, no, no, I told ya three times } already, "Oracle" is my NAME, OK? T. U. Oracle, from Indiana. } No, like I said, I'm not some kinda computer mystic or } anything, I swear that's the weirdest thing I ever heard. I'm } just a janitor at U. of Indiana. No, really! Well, I guess I } musta heard about the woodchuck question from one of my buddies } at work, that's it, someone musta mentioned it, and told me } that he had sent it in 87 times. Hey, can I go now? Why'd you } guys drag me all the way out to New York, anyway? I didn't do } nuthin!" } } [One of the policemen sighs, looks down for a moment, then } looks backs at the man in the chair. "OK, let's go over this } again...."] } } You owe the Oracle an alibi, a flame-retardant suit and a body } double. --- 684-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why doesn't tape work under water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It _does_ work. All you need is a clean, dry surface like the } directions say. } } You owe the Oracle an adhesive that will stick two dirty, wet things } together. --- 684-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, my Oracle, tell me please, is this the worst joke ever?????? > -My dog's got no nose > -How does it smell then? > -Terrible! > ......or do more vacuously unfunny horrors lurk in the deep depths of > Oracle City? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. The following is the worst joke on record in all humankind. This } incarnation of the Oracle once knew someone who thought this joke was } absolutely hysterical and vowed to marry the first man she met who } agreed. } } Person #1: Ask me if I'm an orange. } Person #2: Are you an orange? } Person #1: No. } } You owe the Oracle a laugh track from "The Cosby Show." --- 684-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle, who has many Priests, > > Recently a question I wrote was selected for the Oracularities > Digest by Steve Kinzler himself. This was the first time that ever > happened to me. > > He doesn't do many. Does he review a regular quota? Or just dip into > the queue from time to time? Or pinch-hit when a priest is on > vacation? Or help out when the Priests are falling behind? Or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, congratulations on being selected for the Oracularities } Digest! As you are no doubt aware, this is no mean feat, and does } in fact usually require large sums of money and a small sacrifice or } two. (That will come later, as you get hooked and become more } desperate to be published. For further discussion of this topic, see } the chapter entitled, "Graduate School.") } } As for your question, I am concerned that Steve feels the need to be } involved at all. Let's go see him. } } [Scene fades out, then back in again, the Oracle now standing before an } immense doorway to a large mansion in southern California. } } The Oracle knocks. } } After some time, Steve Kinzler appears at the door. He is dressed in } a scarlet bathrobe with matching slippers and is smoking a pipe, a } smug grin on his face. Several scantily clad women are lounging on } a divan in the background.] } } Kinzler: Oracle! So glad to see you! Sorry it took me a minute to } answer the door, but I was just getting ready to head to the } Jungle Room. Come - we'll talk along the way. } } [The Oracle follows Steve through a maze of oaken doorways, the smell } of incense mingling with the squeals of delight which emanate from } every closed door along the way.] } } Oracle: I really like what you've done to the place! The last time I } was here, everything was covered in fur. } } Kinzler: Hmmm, well, I decided to go post-modern. Besides, the } cleaning bills were astronomical. That, and the new } synthetics just didn't have that certain "look and feel." } } Oracle: Yeah, I know what you mean. } } [Steve opens an otherwise non-descript door and bids the Oracle to } enter. Inside is the largest Jacuzzi that the Oracle has ever seen, } surrounded by dozens of potted palms, birds-of-paradise, ferns, and } other various forms of underbrush. The sounds of tropical wildlife } ooze from several well-camouflaged all-weather speakers, while cleverly } arranged mirrors make the room look many times larger than it actually } is. Six minbogglingly beautiful bikini-clad women are sipping } margaritas in and around the hot tub. Steve removes his bathrobe, } revealing a pair of red swim trunks liberally sprinkled with the IU } logo. A puff of smoke momentarily enshrouds the Oracle, then clears, } revealing the Oracle in trunks which read, "Open Late This Holiday } Season For Your Enjoyment." Both enter the frothy water and relax.] } } Kinzler: So what brings you here, anyway? } } Oracle: A supplicant of mine mentioned that you had a hand in } selecting a question for the Oracularities Digest. I was } worried that you were feeling a little left out or something. } } Kinzler: (chuckles) Not at all. It's just that whenever a } particilarly good question gets selected for the Digest - I } *do* read the Digest, you know - I make it a point to invite } the Priest involved to visit here for a while as a "thank } you." (It also allows me a certain tax break for this place.) } If it happens to be an Oracular PriestESS, she's invited to } stay in the East Wing with the Chippendale's Volunteer } Entertainment Squad. } } Anyway, things have been going so well lately that there } aren't that many priests available right now. I lend a hand } whenever the booze starts to run out and I can't afford to } have any more visitors. } } Oracle: Well, that's a relief! I was afraid that you'd finally } snapped from all this "living." } } Kinzler: Not to worry. Besides, if *I* pick the Digest entry, the } supplicant has to pay me a lot of money and maybe make a } sacrifice or two. That's how I afford more of this "living," } as you say. } } Oracle: Nice setup! I still miss the fur, though. Well, I'd better } get back to Olympus and answer some more questions - } } Kinzler: No need to leave just yet! Jennifer? } } [A black-haired, blue-eyed nymphette smiles devilishly at the Oracle } and holds out a waterproofed laptop with a cellular modem...] } } You owe the Oracle a damn good question. --- 684-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the true definition of a woman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WOMAN } ( A Chemical Analysis ) } } Element: woman } } Symbol: Wo } } Discoverer: Adam } } Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100-160 lbs. } } Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas. } } Physical Properties: } 1/ Surface usually covered in painted film } 2/ boils at nothing, freezes without reason } 3/ melts if given proper treatment } 4/ bitter if used incorrectly } 5/ found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common 'ore } } Chemical properties: } 1/ Possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious } stones } 2/ able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances } 3/ may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male } 4/ insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation } in alcohol } 5/ yield to pressure applied to correct points } } Uses: } 1/ Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars } 2/ most powerful money-reducing agent known } 3/ can be a great aid to relaxation } } Tests: } 1/ Pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state } 2/ Turns green if placed beside a better specimen } } Caution: } 1/ Highly volatile except in experienced hands } 2/ illegal to posses more than one except in certain restricted areas } } You owe me more specimens to conduct further experiments. --- 684-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, ___________ Oracle, whose ________ I am unworthy to _______, whose > ADJECTIVE BODY PART VERB > great ______ could _________ beat me ________ and blue if he found my > NOUN ADVERB COLOR > query _________, I ________ you to respond to my hearfelt ________. > ADJECTIVE VERB NOUN > ___________, mighty sage, bestow upon this __________ supplicant your > EXCLAMATION ADJECTIVE > ___________. I had a dream in which I was __________________ down a > NOUN VERB ENDING IN ING > long ________. At the end of the _________, I saw my _________ fighting > NOUN SAME NOUN RELATIVE > against a(n) _________. (S)he battled _________, but I knew I must > ANIMAL ADVERB > _________ into the fray myself. ________, the skies ________________, > VERB ADVERB VERB, PAST TENSE > and __________ appeared before me, __________________ benevolently. I > DIETY VERB ENDING IN ING > would have _______________ my pants right then, but I _______ realized I > BODILY FUNCTION ADVERB > was wearing nothing but my ___________________. > ARTICLE OF CLOTHING > What could this mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } __________ _________ Supplicant, } SALUTATION ADJECTIVE } Your ________ dream lead me to ____ some _________ things about you. } ADJECTIVE VERB ADJECTIVE } First, it is obvious that your ________ ________________ you when you } RELATIVE VERB, PAST TENSE } were younger and what is worse, you ________________ it! } VERB, PAST TENSE } Secondly, you seem to be very afriad of ______s because of the time } ANIMAL } your ________ made you ____ one when you were younger. } RELATIVE VERB } Your fear of ____ is obviously because of the respect you feal } DIETY } for this ______________________________ Oracle. } ADJECTIVE DESCRIBING GREATNESS } Your inabilty to control your _______________ is because your diet } BODILY FUNCTION } is so high in _______________. } HIGH FIBRE FOOD } You owe the Oracle a picture of _______________________ } BIG BREASTED SUPERMODEL } wearing nothing but a ___________________. } ARTICLE OF CLOTHING --- 684-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > will kathryn come down, and will i get some? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle believes that the answer will be found in the book of } Limerick, chapter 5, verse 1: } } There once was a lass upstairs } Who could not control her hairs } So she pulled them all out } And with a great shout } Threw them all down the stairs } } As you can see, Kathryn suffers from the mental illness Rapunzellus } Difficultus. As you might guess, this would mean that she literally } obeys the words "let down your hair." As you might feel, you will most } certainly look like a hairy ape when she is finished showering you with } her curls. You will get plenty, but she will not come down! } } You owe the Oracle a first-born daughter, who will spend her life in } a tower. --- 684-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise tell me what do dogs think (if they do think) when > they see their reflection in the mirror? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle must admit that he was briefly tempted to answer this } question with an answer of "Probably something along the lines of } 'woof'..", but then it began to dawn on me that I was not understanding } the pure, unadulterated dogness of the situation. So, after sitting } down with a large glass brimming with Ye Old Oracular Thought } Lubricant, I began to ponder the inner though processes of your average } canine. } } The first step on my journey to experiencing inner dogness...the Zen of } Eating, Sleeping, and Rooting Through The Garbage, as it were, was to } realize that dogs, on the whole, have the IQ of Kool-Aid. This in mind, } I began to think as a dog would.. I spent many hours in deep } meditation, preparing body and soul for the descent from oracular } omniscience to the relative idiocy of your average German Shepherd. } } Once I had accustomed myself to the habit of sniffing my friends and } relations' posteriors in greeting, and developed a taste for Gravy } Train, I positioned myself carefully in The Oracular Test Lab And } Center For The Development Of Arcane Knowledge, hereby referred to as } "The Bathroom", with a veiled mirror before my face, and my ever } helpful assistant prepared to lift the veil and exit The Bathroom and } leave me to my contemplation upon my signal. } } I signalled. The veil was lifted, and my humble assistant left me to my } thoughts. I stared deeply into the mirror, absorbing all that I saw, } and filing it in my memory for future reference. The vision was } astounding. A sleek barking machine stared me back with a steady gaze. } I attempted to circle to his backside, for a friendly get-acquainted } sniff..to my surprise, as I reached the posterior of the dog, he } vanished. I took a step back, and there he was again. This continued } for several hours, and as the incredibly handsome specimin of canine } before me would vanish every time I attempted my greeting, I found no } recourse but to pee on him. } } I hope this answers your query into the nature of Dogs. } } You owe The Oracle a fire hydrant and a carton of Milk-Bonz