From oracle-request Sat Oct 22 19:02:36 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA28639; Sat, 22 Oct 1994 19:02:36 -0500 Date: Sat, 22 Oct 1994 19:02:36 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #685 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 685 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #685 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 22 Oct 1994 19:02:36 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 685 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 680 84 votes 7cCm5 4jAi7 hzi86 9jtk7 afvl7 hpli3 gcmgi 8mpib 4bkxg bfgvb 680 3.0 mean 3.1 3.1 2.4 3.0 3.0 2.6 3.1 3.0 3.5 3.2 --- 685-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what came first. The chicken, or the egg? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Life Cycle of the Chicken: } } Many zoologists wrongly place the chicken in the animal kingdom when } it, like other birds, is actually a plant. They start out as bird } seed that germinates in a loose pile of mulch called a nest. These } seeds develop into sprouts known as chickweed which then grow into } what is called an eggplant. These plants grow seeds usually refered } to as eggs though they are called chiclets in some places and used } to make chewing gum. In mid-summer, these eggs fall to the ground } and hatch to produce the mobile form of the species which in turn } scatter bird seed about. Please note that this mobile form does } not lay eggs. It merely gathers them up and protects them to help } insure their survival. } } You owe the Oracle an omelet. --- 685-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Literary Oracle, ye who knoweth all the prose and poetry, > answer this humble Supplicant's query: > > Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A fine portrayal of Shakespeare's tragic heroine Juliet Capulet in } the late sixties classic film, "Romeo and Juliet." } } Of course, there have been other re-workings of this now-classic } plot, the most notable of which was "West Side Story," a fabulous } musical dance revue of what could be considered the Bard's most } enduring work to date. } } It is in this vein that Masterpiece Theatre proudly presents to you } these excerpts from public television's upcoming musical classic, } "Down Wit Da Montagues," starring Queen Latifah as Juliet Jackson } Jezebel Justice and Snoop Doggy Dogg as Romy Homeboy. } } Romy: } "Yo! Wassup? } Who dat ho in dat window? } Hot to trot, she be da dogg, } Make me wanna groove 'til a never wanna stop!" } } JJJJ: } "Hey, Homey, hey, Homey, hey, Homey, ho! } Wachooduin peeping in my WIN-do?!? } Why the hell you Romy-o, } You dissin me boy, I one pissed ho!" } } You can see how we've captured the timeless flavor and poignancy of } Shakespeare's classic work in this musically enchanting version of } the tale of star-crossed lovers. You'll be touched by this gentle } portrayal of two lovers, one in red baggy clothes and one in blue } baggy clothes, attempting to bridge the rain of bullets between them, } and lots of other metaphors involving the word 'classic' until we get } enough money to stay on the air. } } For Masterpiece Theatre, this is Alistair Bannister saying goodnight, } farewell, and "Word." --- 685-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Baked Alaska How do you make it??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has pondered your question and arrived at a suitable } recipe for your request: } } BAKED ALASKA } } 1 Frozen piece of Alaska (not thawed) } 1/2 Sea Bay } 1 Coral Reef } 1 Tanker Captain } 3 quarts Scotch } 1 single-hull Oil Tanker } 80 dozen seagulls } 55 schools of fish (mixed variety, fresh, not frozen) } 1 herd of Sea Lions } 1 lit half-smoked Cuban cigar } } Take Captain and place him in the bar of the Oil Tanker. Serve him } the Scotch and let marinate. Place entire Tanker in Sea Bay near } Coral Reef and wait 3 hours. Tanker should run aground on reef near } the frozen piece of Alaska. Wait for contents of tanker to saturate } seagulls, fish and sea lions. Have drunk captain throw the lit cigar } out the port side onto the spill. Watch flames for 3 weeks. Cut } into squares and serve to EPA agents on a silver platter. } } You owe the Oracle dibs on the first piece. --- 685-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and wonderful Oracle, who sees order where other see only chaos; > who can find a needle in a haystack; who can pick off a fly at 100 > yards with one hand tied behind your back; please accept my humble > suggestions and answer my question: > > Since the questions in Usenet Oracularities Digest #666 were based on a > Luciferian theme, I humbly suggest the following themes for future > Digests: > > Digest # Subject > -------- ------- > 700 organized religion > 711 convenience stores > 800 toll-free phone calls and Atari home computers > 911 law enforcement and high performance cars > 2525 questions about whether Man will still be alive > 10000 the mentally ill > > My question unto to you is this: what other themes have I missed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your contribution. Your suggestions will be considered } for possible utilization as future Digest Themes. Enclosed is our } preliminary thematic schedule covering the next century. I believe you } may find it interesting. } } #762 Questions and disturbingly expert answers regarding AK-47 } Kalashnikov assault rifles. } } #1001 Short stories on ancient Arabian themes. } } #1024 Questions regarding PGP key lengths. Answers cause problems for } 99% of readers as they have been signed with the Oracle's } incompatible 65536-bit key. } } #1984 Brotherly love and concern for the citizens' welfare. } } #2001 A number of deep questions are posed, only to be answered by } mysterious riddles. Surprisingly, all the Oracularities in the } digest receive ratings of over 4.5. } } #2010 A total flop. The top-rating question of the digest, "Will I } dream?", gets a 2.1. All others receive ratings between 1.1 } and 1.4. } } #2020 Questions include "Fish?", "Is this to test whether I'm a } replicant or a lesbian?", "Do you love me? Do you trust me?", } "Who am I? Where do I come from? How long have I got?", and the } most popular, "Then again, who does?". } } #2063 Resubmissions of questions posed in digest #2001 are answered } without the riddles and receive slightly-below-average ratings. } } #20000 Underwater adventure stories signed by "nemo@anon.penet.fi". } } #44100 This digest is posted in 200 uuencoded parts and comprises } 4.7 megabytes of compressed digital audio data. Hear the } Great M. say "Huh... whuzzat ... What you smawk- smook- } [unclear] unhhBARF" A must for sample collectors and } 14-year-old MOD composers. } } #65535 Questions regarding a Higher Power's possible imminent } arrival. } } A bug in the Digestive system will cause digest numbers to wrap around } after #65535 and start again at 0. } } #0 A digest of all Null Questions. Answers start out creative but } get tired after #0-05. #0-10 is merely a marginally inspired } flame-and-ZOT. } } #7 Questions about Samurai. } } #12 Questions pertaining to the use of convicts in WWII special ops. } } #42 Questions and answers regarding life, the universe, and } everything. The only digest ever to receive no votes above 1. } } #69 Direct questions and candid answers about certain things you } always wanted to know, but never knew just who to ask. } } #86,99 Silly answers to stupid questions about secret agents. } Five out of ten Oracularities consist of variations of "Which } part didn't you get?" "The part after you said, 'Now listen } carefully'". } } #101 Dalmatians. } } #501 The Original questions. --- 685-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wisest and powerful Oracle! > > Is Elvis really dead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy, old Elvis really duped people good with that disappearing act, } didn't he? Being omniscienter than the average bear, I have some } information many of you have only wondered about. Let me give you a } brief chronology. } } August 16, 1977 - glues Elvis wig and sideburns onto bloated corpse of } Jimmy Hoffa and leaves him on the commode. Elvis leaves the building } incognito, driving an AMC Gremlin. } } September 20, 1977 - Elvis hires a private jet to Tahiti, planning to } hang out with Marlon Brando. Due to profoundly bad navigation, the } plane craslands in the Phillipine jungle. Elvis survives, and spends } several months living with the natives. His magnanimous personality, } and his habit of giving away rhinestones like they were Cadillacs, } leads to the creation of an Elvis cult among the isolated tribe. } "Unh-huh-huh" becomes the acolyte's mantra, and the twinkie becomes a } blessed sacrament. (See Weekly World News, August 8, 1989). } } February 22, 1978 - Just as Elvis is emerging from the rainforest, he } is taken hostage by a shipful of those funky gray-colored aliens with } big foreheads (See National Enquirer, January 31, 1981). } } 1978 - 1983 - Elvis participates in captive breeding experiments } conducted by the aliens using women abducted from throughout the world. } Elvis' genetic footprint quickly becomes the largest in the modern } world (see The Sun, May 14, 1982, and United Nations World Population } Abstract, 1984. } } November 30, 1983 - As the feeding and upkeep costs for Mr. Presley } become unmanageable, the gray aliens free 'the King' in an Arkansas } corn field. Elvis stumbles down the road, and quickly gets himself a } job in a nearby gas station (National Examiner, January 3, 1984). } } 1984 - 1989 - Not wanting to be recognized, Elvis finds himself moving } from town to town throughout the midwest, performing menial jobs and } heroic acts (See every tabloid from 1984 to the present). } } May 3, 1985 - Elvis saves woman from burning building (see National } Enquirer, July 9, 1985). } } January 8, 1988 - Elvis gives kidney to dying child (see Weekly World } News, April 23, 1988). } } May 25, 836 - Elvis turns Mongol hordes away from the gates of } Constantinople (see The Ottoman Empire: Beyond Footstools, HBJ, 1976). } } January 14, 1990 - Elvis starts a new job at the Berklee School of } Music teaching a class in 'Schlock Film Soundtracking'. } } February 3, 1990 - Elvis discovers the school's computer facilities, } starts surfing the internet. } } February 7, 1990 - Elvis submits the following query to the Usenet } Oracle: } } >Date: February 7, 1990 } >From: "The Once and Future King" (epresley@lisamarie.berklee.edu) } >Subject: tellme } >How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } } Is Elvis still alive? You don't think I would let him live, do you? } } You owe the Oracle a teddy bear. --- 685-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > Why does the Pope oppose the use of Birth Control? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is, of course, a misconception. The pope does not oppose all } forms of birth control, just some of them. Below is a list of birth } control methods which have been fully sanctioned by the Catholic } church. } } Abstinence: The theory here is that by not getting rip-snorting drunk, } women are less likely to get themselves knocked up. } } Prophylaxatives: a device worn on the penis which almost immediately } causes intense diarrhea in both sexual partners. } } The Pill: named after the antiquated term for a very dull person (as in } "Don't be such a pill, Beaver"). Whenever a woman believes she may be } ovulating, she should invite over an annoying houseguest who just won't } leave. } } The I.U.D.: stands for Intensely Ugly Dude. Self-explanatory. } } The Sponge: the key to this method of birth control is remembering the } seven words "Only after you're done with the dishes." } } Annulment: The term abortion doesn't apply if you remember to purchase } an indulgence first. } } You owe the Oracle a shredded picture of Sinead O'Connor. --- 685-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear oracle, > > why do little kids like jello so much? besides the fact that > it's wiggly and jiggly and comes in fun fruit flavors? > > z And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quick! Did you see any suspicious characters following you? Are you } *sure*? What about that black van behind you - no, don't look! Aw, } jeez, you looked! (*ZOT*) Better safe than sorry. Now GET THE HELL } INSIDE WHERE THEY CAN'T GET A CLEAR SHOT AT YOU! } } [The Oracle drags the supplicant into the Indiana U. computer science } building.] } } This should be a safe enough place. Okay. I didn't want to share } this with you, but now that you've started probing, I have no choice } but to let you in on the secret. } } Jello is a mind control drug. Hey! Don't you roll your eyes at me! } Why do you think kids are always clamoring for it, despite the fact } that it tastes like flavored cardboard and has the consistency of } cold dog puke? It's addictive! It's insidious! They're going to } take over the world if I - no, if WE - don't stop them! } } [From outside the CS building comes the sound of helicopter rotors.] } } Oh no. They've found us. Quick, put on this disguise! } } [The Oracle and the supplicant both whip on lab coats and false } noses. The door is shot down in a burst of small-arms fire and fifty } identical-looking soldiers - all of them Bill Cosby on way too many } steroids and armed to the teeth, wearing bright lime green overalls } with the General Foods logo stitched over the right breast pocket - } charge in. The head Cosby snarls, "Where's the spy?"] } } Ja? Ist you lookint fur somvun? Ist no vunk hair but us forink } exchange studense .... } } [Will Oracle and Supplicant get out of this mess? Will they } thwart the Jello Conspiracy? Who the hell *is* the guy that replaced } Bill Cosby in those Jello ads anyway? Find out in our next thrilling } episode of "Dessert: Impossible".] } } This Oracularity will self-destruct in three seconds. --- 685-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle whose all-powerful tummy-tum encircles the very > multiverse itself: > > I'm in the mood for a french-fried frog burger on a bright green > bun. Know where I might be able to find some? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed, my little hungry chum, the Oracle is a gormet of the greatest } proportions. I have dined on the multiverse's greatest delicacies, } including deep fried doner kebabs from Ali-baba's Kebab Emporium, } Queen's Park, London UK....offering 24 hour delivery at an attractive } price....just phone (44) 71 892 8743 and ask for Ali. But unfortunately } Ali doesn't make the frog burger. I suggest you try Wong Kei's, just } off Leicester Square, the last time the Oracle was there I had } something that tasted distinctly frogesque. The menu is all in an } obscure dialect of mandarin Chinese so GOD alone knows what it is } you're eating. The bright green bun bit is a little trickier. Try } asking for slice of Chinese lava bread and see what comes. If it's not } green enough then perhaps you could take along a tin of lime green } Dulux emulsion paint and a large capacity decorating brush......Best of } luck! } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A HAND KNITTED LAMBING FROCK AND A COPY OF THE GOOD } KEBAB GUIDE. --- 685-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm a TA for a calculus course, and the lecturer is a pedantic idiot > who is driving me insane. What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To better be able to deal with someone who is a full professor } in mathematics, you need to take a few steps to insure that you } operate on their level. Here are a few steps you can take to } fully insure that you understand where they are coming from: } } 1) LET ALGEBRA SKILLS DETERIORATE: This is a little difficult } to do since these skills are so basic. Find a long algebra } problem and liberally change some minus signs to plus signs, } then try to work through the problem and still get the same } answer. With some luck, you'll find a new method of algebra } which can be used when you know the problem and the answer } (from the back of the book) and need to get there without } really thinking about it. Try changing the variables to smiley } faces every once in a while. } } 2) CHAOS THEORY: Make sure you have a good working definition } of chaos theory at any given time. Something flashy that you } can use at cocktail parties. Then find something that has } nothing to do with math and tell people that you're working on } a theory to explain it. } } 3) DISSERTATION: Try explaining your dissertation to a graduate } student in the English department. If they have the vaguest } sense of what you're talking about, change it. } } 4) PROOFS: Come up with a new proof that shows that .9 } repeating does in fact equal 1. Try to do something original } this time. } } 5) UNSOLVED PROBLEMS: Try solving an unsolved problem. Or } better yet, come up with a proof for the existance of God. } } These are just a few of the things you can try, and with a } little luck, you'll be just like your professor! You will show } each other the cool little functions on your graphing } calculator and trade fractal jokes! And if all else fails, } take a pen and write at the end of his lecture notes: "And this } proves Fermat's theorem." } } You owe the Oracle the derivative of a woodchuck. --- 685-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, it happened again -- I'm getting verklempt! > Talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic: > The Usenet Oracle is neither a Usenet Or A Cle. > Discuss! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ohh, go drink some seltza, and listen to a lttlee barbra, shes so } goegeous, like the milstein's down the street, they're like butta!!