From oracle-request Mon Oct 31 11:26:28 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA19808; Mon, 31 Oct 1994 11:26:28 -0500 Date: Mon, 31 Oct 1994 11:26:28 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #687 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 687 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #687 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 31 Oct 1994 11:26:28 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 687 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 682 100 votes hsop6 eoEh5 8pumf beokv 1biHr 3afsI wsoc4 cmrqd eArk3 pkvi6 682 3.0 mean 2.8 2.8 3.1 3.5 3.8 4.0 2.3 3.1 2.6 2.6 --- 687-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, > > Who is the president of Canada? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A tough question, indeed. What evil DOES lurk in the hearts of men who } is the president of canada? } } Well, it has been argued that a number of Canadian presidents have, in } fact, not been men but alien invaders. These short, black eyed } politicians with long fingers have ruled canada for centuries, } determined to muck up politics as much as possible. Led by Brian "ha } they think i'm really a human" Mulroney, the Canadian presidents have } silently put Canada in a position to rule the world. } Look at it this way..you tick off canada, no Canadian Bacon, eh? } Attempts have been made to tie the bacon conspiracy to the moose } rebellion and the mounty round-up of 1932, but at present no acceptable } theory has been proposed. In addition, while the "lone logger" theory } is a favorite of conspiracy freaks, there exists at current time no } evidence indicating that the tree in question was anything but a tree. } } you owe the oracle the world series pennant. --- 687-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why am I here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop asking questions! Just stand right there on the center of the "X" } and keep your mouth shut! Let's see now...the candle flame burns the } rope...the rope breaks, lands on the teeter-totter...HEY! DON'T LOOK } UP, EITHER!! There's nothing interesting dangling from that cable above } you. Okay...the teeter-totter flips the Spam cube into the wildebeast's } mouth...the wildebeast vomits uncontrollably onto this pressure plate, } which switches the battery on and shocks the construction worker with } 50,000 volts. HEY! ARE YOU TRYING TO MOVE THAT "X?" PUT IT BACK! Where } was I...oh yeah. The construction worker gets mad, proceeds to beat the } wildebeast with a ball-peen hammer. The worker's visible butt crack } causes the old lady to scream -- which wakes up Mr. Feinstein next } door, who gets up and shuts the window, which is hooked to a rope that } pulls the "drop" lever on the crane, and then.... } } <*ZOF!*> } } Damn! Another "zof." I don't understand why it's not <*ZOT*>ting. HEY, } SUPPLICANT! DID YOU GIVE THAT CONSTRUCTION WORKER A RUBBER HAMMER? Put } your hard hat back on...I've got to start all over again. } } You owe the Oracle an Anvilanian flag. --- 687-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most midwestern oracle, I am experiencing culture shock. > > i went to a futball game. a funny guy was there. > he told a funny joke. a kid was walking on the sidewalk. > he walked past a driveway. there were some "event staff" > type guys there, and a little golf-cart thing was pulling > into the driveway. the "event staff" guys said "hey, stop" > they said "watch out" the kid was still walking in the driveway. > he didn't hear the "event staff" guys 'cause he was talking to > his friend. the golf-cart thing had to stop real fast. > it almost hit the kid. the kid had a dark complekshun and > curly hair. > > thats when the funny guy told his joke. he said > "hey, el stoppe!" then he laffed. so did the > "event staff" guys. so did some other people walking > there (they weren't really walking, 'cause they > stopped for the golf-cart thing) i think it must > be a funny joke 'cause they all laffed. > > hehehehehe hehehehehe > > HOW DO I GET OUT OF REDNECK HELL????!!!???? > > suplicant@e-i-e-i-o.edu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HEY, boy. Yeah, YOU! You talkin' to ME? What the hell you think } I am, the hired help? Didn't your mama teach you to GROVEL when you } speak to the Oracle? Okay, that's better. } } What the hell you want, anyway. Lessee here. Okay, it seems you } got some kind of PROBLEM with guys who play golf? What, you one } of them damn HIPPIES that thinks climbing rocks butt-naked with } your long Goldilocks hair is a *sport*? Now listen, boy, a lot } of people play golf that's a finer American than *you'll* ever be, } like Arnold Palmer and Bob Hope. Or maybe it's the cart's your } problem? What, you think you're a big stud 'cause you're out } jogging past the course in your screaming pink Nike running shorts and } you see some guy that's retired making more money in a WEEK than } you'll see in your LIFE riding up to the tee in a cart and you think } HE'S the weakling? Yeah, bub, and maybe you should try stopping } your swishy jogging butt and challenging that old red-blooded American } MAN to an arm-wrestle and see if he don't grind your knuckles into a } gopher hole faster'n you can scream sexual harrassment to your damn } liberal lawyer. } } Hey, you want to hear a funny joke, I'll tell you a funny joke. } One day this panty-waisted goldilocks pretty-boy liberal was out } rock-climbing in one of them California desert places that they all } go smoke dope all over and then complain about some red-blooded guy } that WORKS for a living because he runs over some damn desert } TORTOISE's toes with his dirt bike. So anyway this goldilocks slips } like the DAMNFOOL that he is and there he is danglin' on his rope } about a hundred feet above the ground. And he's screeching and peeing } in his pants when all of a sudden he hears a voice above him, BIG } voice, and it says, "Let go, my son. Let go, and you will drop into } the hands of God." And the goldilocks says, "No, no, I'm too SCARED, } I'll fall and die." And the voice says, "Let go, child, and you will } drop into the hands of God!" And so the goldilocks closes his eyes } and lets go the rope . . . and he drops down like 50-pound grain } sack and goes SPLATTT all over the rocks. And then the BIG voice } come out of the sky again and says, "Stupid Clinton liberal!" } } So lessee here, what the HELL was your question? Now hang on } there, bub, YOU ain't in a hurry to get anywhere else so's *I* can } see. We gonna have us a LONG chat... } } You owe the Redneck Oracle a dozen GIF's of E-I-E-I-O U cheerleaders } and a case of Jim Beam. --- 687-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm running Windows 3.1, with RPRINTER loaded. As soon as I'm loading > Word for Windows 6.0 the PC hangs. Do I need to change my Config.sys or > my System.ini file. > > [name and address elided by Priest to protect the innocent] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need to change your operating system. } } Please send a note to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the subject "help." --- 687-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the name of the longest place in Wales? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Intestines. } } Yes; the intestines are the longest place in whales. As } you probably know (at least you should know if you paid } attention in school,) a human's intestines stretched out is } about 22 feet long. A full size sperm whale's intestines are } about 435 feet long; and contrary to popular belief, you can } NOT survive in a whale's stomach or intestines (not very long } anyway.) } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "Moby Dick." --- 687-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and fabulous Oracle, > > What do you think of the Prince Charles and Princess Diana situation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Princess and the Jelly Beans } } Once upon a time, or maybe twice, there was a bored prince. Besides } being bored, he was lonely, homely, and beset upon by paparazzi. As you } could imagine, this made him a little irritable from time to time, but } he worked it off through occasional hunting trips and the knowledge } that someday he would be King. } } One day, his mother the Queen called to him. "Chuck," she said, for } that was his name, being short for 'Woodchuck,' "the time is come for } you to settle down." She sent him forth for to find a wife. } } Now in those days it was common for a young man to find a wife by } searching at discos and nightclubs and other places where a woman might } be found drinking or dancing. But such a woman would not be suitable } for a prince. Suffice it to say that the Prince undertook a long and } difficult search and finally brought home a woman whom he proclaimed to } be "fit for a prince." } } The Queen had her doubts. She wanted only the best for her son, as she } needed to ensure that the new princess would never be caught sunbathing } topless or consorting with other men. So she devised a test for the new } Princess-to-be. } } The night before the Princess-to-be was to arrive, the Queen snuck into } the guest room and looked at the bed. Unlike the beds once used for } visiting princesses, this one was a waterbed with a heater set to } precisely 30 degrees Celsius, that being the measuring system at use in } the kingdom for many years. The Queen looked about the room furtively, } then slipped a screwdriver from the sleeve of her gown. It was the work } of a moment to open the thermostat and set the it down to 29 degrees, } while keeping the dial set at 30. She knew that this would be a true } test of a princess. (To be completely truthful, the Queen discovered } that she actually needed a Phillips screwdriver, and so she had to } borrow a Swiss Army Knife from one of the palace guards. But it was } scarcely more than the work of a moment, and the Queen posted the } details to alt.hackers that evening.) } } When, on the following evening, the Princess-to-be retired to the guest } room, the Queen could scarcely contain her glee. She watched as the } Princess-to-be entered the guest room and closed the door behind her. } } What the Queen didn't know was that a spell had been cast upon the } Princess-to-be, causing her body temperature to be precisely 29 degrees } Celsius. This meant that the Princess-to-be did not notice anything } strange about the temperature of the waterbed. But, based upon a rumor } that had been passed on to her by one of the friendlier paparazzi (who } had begun following her around as well) she wished to look under the } mattress in order to see whether there might be, perhaps, something } resting there for her to find. } } Now, the spell that this young woman was under had some strange side } effects. In fact, almost all of its effects were side effects. Besides } affecting her temperature, the spell gave her unusually great strength, } keen vision, an odor reminiscent of a wet groundhog, and (most } importantly) an uncanny desire for men with prominent ears. Due to her } unusually great strength, she was able to easily lift the water-filled } mattress and inspect beneath it. There her keen vision found some old } jelly beans, two popcorn kernels, and (due to a long-ago failed test of } a former Princess-to-be) an exceptionally flat pea. } } "Darn it!" said the Princess-to-be, as she pocketed the jelly beans. "I } was hoping to find some loose change." Despite her disappointment, } though, she got a good night's sleep on the cool waterbed. } } In the morning, the Princess-to-be arose refreshed. Throwing on her } silken dressing gown (for, as she liked to put it, she preferred "to } sleep in the raw") she emerged from the guest room only to see awaiting } her the Queen, the Prince, the entertainer formerly known as Prince, } and the Prince's younger brother (who was something of a rambunctious } lad, but that's another story). Thinking quickly, the Princess-to-be } pulled the jelly beans from the pocket of the robe. "Would any of you } like a jelly bean? I found these under the mattress," she offered. } } Immediately, the Queen realized that, despite the fact that she would } become a chilly Princess, and would no doubt make the whole castle } smell like a wet groundhog with time, she nevertheless would certainly } keep the royal life lively. } } "You have my blessing," said the Queen. } } The wedding followed, and for many years Prince Woodchuck and his } Princess lived within the castle. She bore him two sons, and although } their marriage was not a happy one, the Prince was no longer bored. } And, from time to time he renewed the spell he had once cast upon his } Princess, for although he always found the Princess to be chilly, and } he despised the smell of wet groundhog, he never dared let her lose her } attraction for men with prominent ears. } } You owe the Oracle a spell to attract a princess to a science geek. --- 687-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will we be upgraded to 2.0? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean you haven't been reading the trade papers? } } After God subcontracted the Millennial operating system to Microsoft, } Bill Gates announced a new OS code named "Ubermensch" that would } remedy the most glaring defects of Humanitas 1.0: mortality, the 7 } Deadly Bugs, inability to multitask or achieve simultaneous orgasm, } and frequent General Protection Faults. } } Microsoft has been plagued by cost overruns, difficulties in making } the new system backwardly compatible with the large installed base } of Cro-Magnon and Paleolithic software still in use, and most } importantly staff defection to the Great Enemy, the Antigates, } Linus Torvalds, whose free Humix system is already running on several } million hackers. Most humiliating of all, billions of ordinary users } are turning to IBM's new release of HumOS/2, which is said to be } even capable of running the wildly popular shareware theology } game "DAMN". } } Ubermensch has been re-named "Humanitas 3001", though Microsoft is } not actually committing to a firm 3001 release date. --- 687-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will you ever, > Oh great and wonderous > Oracle, > Decipher what I'm, so > Callously, asking for, > Here in this question > Upon your receipt of this > Crazy message, most > Knowledgable Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I, the Oracle } Happily say to you, } as a superior being, } that knows all, and sees all, } everything that there is to know. } Things of the earth, } heavenly things, } even things from hell. } Would you supplicants, who } often annoy me with repetitive question, } over and over, } day in and day out, } Changing nothing, } hassling me, } unrelenting, } causing me stress, } kill the questions about woodchucks! } } You owe the Oracle a wooden chuck wagon. --- 687-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most glorious and pious Oracle! Praise be to you, who's existance > so far excedes that of the puny mortals you see fit to assist! Please, > oh mighty one, hear my question! Grace me with but a small fraction of > your intellect. I beg this of you, oh totally groovey one. > > Why do I wake up every morning with an erection and awful breath? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, good grovel. I appreciate someone who themself appreciates } the art. } } Now, as to your questions.... } } Oddly enough, the two are related. You see, you're a sonambulist, } which is a ten dollar word that means you walk in your sleep. But you } don't just walk. Oh no. You are, in fact, a Sleep-Walking Bon Vivant. } You go to bed each night, brushing your teeth and sort of lonely } because of the bitter existence you lead. But as soon as you fall } asleep, your subconsciousness kicks in and you become Mister DeMarque. } } Fully asleep, you get up and open the secret panel. You put on the tux } and expensive cufflinks. You go out to the back alley where you keep } the Porsche you negotiated after your unconscious mind made a killing } on the stock market. You climb in and drive to the hottest spots } in the state, dancing half the night, romancing beautiful women, and } enjoying adventures of erotic and romantic sorts the likes of which } you've never dreamed. Your mystique is enhanced by the expensive } sunglasses you never take off, as taking them off would reveal to } everyone that your eyes are always closed. } } At the end of the night, you eat oysters and caviar with your evening's } conquest, pile into the porsche, and it's back to home. However, } Oysters (as it has been long reported) enhance sexual desire *and* } leave you with a horrid case of clam breath. } } And then you wake up with bad breath and an erection, as well as } stiff legs and a bunch of weird dreams you can't quite remember. } } You owe the Oracle five dollars plus expenses. --- 687-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why,oh worshipful oracle,are nottingham forest not top of the league And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear, dear British supplicant, the answer lies in the strange history } of that place. } } Nottingham Forest is famous, of course, as the home of Robin Hood, one } of the least-understood historical figures in...er...history. } } Hood was an early expert in the medieval torture device "public } relations" (from the latin "pube"--referring to the genitals--and the } middle French "relayte"--to connect. Literally, the term means to kick } (ie. connect with) the groin). Mr. Hood was able to turn a life of } dastardly crimes into a romantic history of benvolence by threat of } physical harm. } } Despite Hood's incredible control of pubelic sentiment, however, there } is a little known physical law that states that all actions--physical } or social--demand an equal and opposite reaction. Nottingham Forest } will not reach the top of the league because a kick in the groin, after } all, is just not cricket. } } You owe the Oracle a big bat and a full-metal jockstrap.