From oracle-request Sun Nov 13 16:59:32 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA18628; Sun, 13 Nov 1994 16:59:32 -0500 Date: Sun, 13 Nov 1994 16:59:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #690 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 690 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #690 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 13 Nov 1994 16:59:32 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 690 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 685 86 votes apug5 9jmhj 4huob 6jvl9 6gkue 7nwdb 7lrkb pJb50 8suf5 Ljd61 685 2.8 mean 2.8 3.2 3.2 3.1 3.3 3.0 3.1 2.0 2.8 1.8 --- 690-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am curled up with one leg under my butt and the other one stuck > under my armpit. My left arm has somehow been stuffed into St. > Amagon's mouth, and he has very long teeth. I am suspended upside > down in a net over a pool of boiling alligators. A dentist has poked > her drill into my left molars and is probably writing her initials > there. I am being force-fed abalone sushi and it is socially > unacceptable to say that it is rather like chewing on my own cheek, > except more highly spiced. I have been stuck on skiis and I am > currently hurtling toward a precipice at something over 800 miles a > second. I am listening to three operas simultaneously, and I can't > understand a single word, and it is socially unacceptable to say > anything bad about it at all. Seven carnivorous howling butterflies > have started to devour my left ear. Fifteen rabid scientific > elephants have decided that my other ear is a suitable repository for > explosive and corrosive vapors, and who the heck is going to say "no" > to fifteen rabid scientific elephants? A Space Pirate has pointed her > ray gun at me and I am being forced to walk the star-plank, which is > no mean feat when I'm curled up with one leg under my but and the > other one stuck under my armpit. How can I get out of this fix? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, oh supplicant, since you are in such dire straits I shall overlook } the lack of manners you have shown by neglecting to grovel properly and } save your worthless hide. } } First: Screw social niceties and say what you think. It'll do a lot } for your morale. Next, Ask St. Amagon the woodchuck question. It'll } annoy him into a roar of rage and frustration, enabling you to get back } the use of --- 690-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, > What exactly is a voodoo lounge, anyway? > Do those witch-doctor types hang out there, after a long day of > taking souls and placing curses? > Is Keith Richards really a voodoo priest? > > Just wondering. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's quite a story behind the Stones' last album. Remember the } Disney film that came out a while back, "Cool Runnings", about the } Jamaican bobsled team? It was actually a heavily reworked version of a } script that had originally been sent to Touchstone, about Haitian } zombies who go to Norway to compete in another winter downhill sport. } "Voodoo Luge" would star Danny Glover and Ellen Cleghorne, with an } original soundtrack by the Rolling Stones. } } Most of the songs on the album you know originally had lyrics relevant } to the film. "Sparks Will Fly" was about a two-zombie run where the } luge flipped off the track and ran into the press box. "Blinded by } Rainbows" was about a young zombie who misses a turn because he's awed } by the beauty of the daytime sky, which he hasn't seen since he was } undead. "The Worst" was a blues song about the team coming in at last } place behind Botswana. The only retitled track, of course, was "Luge } is Strong". } } Eventually Touchstone backed out of the film after major pressure from } the big bosses at Disney, who thought the premise was tasteless and } sent it to the script doctors to rework into a kids' film. The } frantic Stones altered their album's name to the meaningless "Voodoo } Lounge" and rewrote most of the tracks. The only vestige of the } original project was the lycra-and-polypropylene luger's suit that } Charlie Watts could be seen wearing during the first few stops on } the Voodoo Lounge tour, before it caused him to break out in hives. } } You owe the Oracle a Sno-Cone. --- 690-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Selamat pagi tuan Oracle besar. > Apa kabar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhhhh, yes. } } Thank-you for the most flattering Selamat, my most chumber manklewig. } I think your besar is ziplier than a farklepop on toastun. } } Anyway, your queznel chamrod is most boinglery. I've kept a mugglewump } stir-fried in the bobler. Take a chaffledup any time you want, and your } pagi-tuan should clear up after a few slapslicks on the old liplegger. } } If not, consult your local dogslur. --- 690-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh gracious oracle who lights the sky with your brilliance, please > answer this question from a grovelling supplicant. > > Why can I not see electricity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh knave, if you wish to see electricity, stick a fork into an } electrical outlet. The oracle will guarantee that you will see } electricity. --- 690-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? > Thank you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excerpts from, "The Meaning of Life" by T.U. Oracle: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } The ultimate meaning of life is to attain Oracle-hood. Ways to get } there include: } } 1. Imparting your vast knowledge upon lesser beings. Often acheived by } beating them over the head with your stack of dictionaries. } } 2. Gaining a vast knowledge from your superiors. Often attempted by } going to a post-secondary institution. Being beaten over the } head with a dictionary usually has the same results for lower } cost. } } 3. Discovering weird things about the opposite sex. (This is optional } because no one has done that yet.) } } 4. Explaining weird things about the opposite sex. (Even more rare } than #3.) } } 5. Taking a shotgun and shooting every woodchuck in the country. This } will be used to releive stress that you will accumulate once you } have attained Oracle-hood. } ... } } 14. Volunteering as an Oracle's priest. It always helps to learn the } trade by basking in another Oracle's presense. } } 15. Finding new and innovative ways to kill woodchucks. No, placing } them in the same room as lemurs has already been used. And } natural enemies don't seem to work either. } } 16. Code for food. 'nuff said. } ... } } 28. Find yourself a hot girlfriend. Make sure she's kinky in bed. In } some cases, a luke-warm girlfriend will suffice, if all the hot } ones have been taken. Wisdom of the ages will follow. } } 29. Develop a nuclear weapon that only kills woodchucks. } } 30. Write a one thousand page essay on the humour, or lack thereof, in } rec.humor.oracle.d. And make the essay FUNNY. } ... } } 41. Develop a program, written half in assembler, half in ForTran, that } will destroy all supplicants' questions about woodchucks AS IT IS } BEING TYPED. } } 42. And lastly, the ability to entirely misunderstand any supplicant's } question and respond with something entirely unrelated but mostly } humurous helps. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle the name of a blind publisher. --- 690-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most munificent Oracle, with unsurpassed intelligence (surpassed > only by Dan Quayle) and incredible speed of wit (surpassed only by > Richard Nixon, and he's dead). Please answer this question which I > pose for you (it's alright, I know you're slow, so I already figured > out the answer). > > Does Kirk die in "Star Trek: Generations" coming out on Stardate 18 11 > 94, or this just some nasty rumor started by the Romulans? (or the > Klingons, he never could forgive them for the death of his son) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh but you've got a *ZOT* coming. Lucky I'm in a good mood. I } distinctly told Dan NOT to mention Murphy Brown. Did he listen?! } } Anyawy, you simply misheard the rumor, which is true. Kirk does } not "die" but he does "dye." You'll notice his hair is } mysteriously darker than in the previous movie. Yes, he also has } the film airbrushed again to shrink his... cargo hold. } } You owe the Oracle a VERY good grovel, you owe William Shatner a } bottle of "Just For Men", and you owe Dan Quayle a spell chekkir. --- 690-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This won't take long. You won't feel a thing... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Probably something your girlfriend is used to hearing. } } You owe the Oracle a woodchuck question. I've only had 42 of them } today. --- 690-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > By way of introduction, I am a professor of physics at Stanford > University. During my vacation in Hawaii, I decided to take a 3-hour > whale-watching tour. A sudden squall appeared, blowing us rather > severely off course, and we have found ourselves stranded on an > uncharted island. > > I have six companions in this crisis: the brave but ineffectual ship's > captain, his bumbling mate, a campy harlot who claims to star in 'cult' > films, a naive midwestern farmgirl, an arrogant snob who made a fortune > in oil, and his self-absorbed wife. > > While poking around the island's lagoon, I found a transmission line > with an Ethernet transciever on the end. Using coconut silk and some > fire coral, I was able to fashion a primitive PowerBook. The mail > utility works fine, although I seem to be unable to get Mosaic running. > > What should I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whatever you do, don't e-mail for help. There's a fortune to be } made! Create a video of your adventures, and divide the resulting } binary into 64K chunks; we'll recombine them until you get Mosaic. } } When the show is over, you can switch to regional theater and shopping } center appearances. } } Since you owe the Oracle: please pass my regards on to Maynard G. } Krebs. --- 690-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last year, Science Olympiad was held in Arizona, which lacks daylight > savings time. This year, it will be held in your state of Indiana, > which is similarly lacking. What do _they_ have against daylight > savings time? I don't see anything subversive about it. Uh-oh, > _they_'re after me again--gotta go! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Daylight savings, supplicant, is not the stuff of science. It is } strictly for the esoteric intellectual poets. Any good physicist knows } you can't 'save' daylight...it disobeys the principal of 'conservation } of mass'. The entire concept of daylight savings time is like trying to } make yourself taller by cutting off your head and standing on it. } } I often find these zen philosophers have a far different concept of } light than we more rigourous thinkers. I once asked my friend Immanuel } Kant if he wanted to go out for pizza with me. He responded 'No, } Thanks, I'm eating light.' Wow, heavy. I don't get it. Must be one } of those things like 'what's the color of a sigh'. } } You owe the Oracle a changed light bulb. You may request the } assistance of as many people like you as required. --- 690-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me > O great being whose blemishes I am not worthy to > irritate, whose odours I am not enough to be repulse by, whose verbal > aftermath of spittle I am unfit to dodge.............. > > What's the point of anything? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The sharp bit at the end. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a picture of a porpoise.