From oracle-request Fri Nov 18 11:58:02 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA06432; Fri, 18 Nov 1994 11:58:02 -0500 Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994 11:58:02 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #692 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 692 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #692 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994 11:58:02 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 692 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 687 87 votes muo92 birm9 oiji8 seoe7 8gvma 7gmph 8gAha byme6 4bCmc jjxg0 687 2.8 mean 2.3 3.0 2.6 2.5 3.1 3.3 3.1 2.7 3.3 2.5 --- 692-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am i a bard from times long gone, or are my jeans too tight ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Forsooth, art those Bugle Boy jeans thou art wearing? --- 692-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, God of Men, please tell me who the voices inside my head > are. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Me, I am the voices inside your head. Stop touching yourself or you } will go blind. The other people in here, and there are a lot of us } took a vote and decided that you have one more month as yourself and if } you can't get you useless life back together again and become something } we are going to take over. By the way you also owe us 50 bucks. --- 692-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oracle, purveyor of knowledge and great wisdon. Why is two forms of > peanut butter, crunchy, and smooth and what are the different > personality types that eat these two distinct and yet similar forms > peanut butter. > I bow three times and say 15 times that you are the most wise as an > offering to your wisdom. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In my singular attempt to answer your letter, } Who is to say which butter is better? } Ask any bettor } Which butter is better } And here is the answer you'll getter: } } There are, my dear friend, two types of the food } For anybody in any particular mood. } If you've had teeth removed } And food can't be chewed } Then have the smooth (though I don't mean to be rude). } } Another reason for eating the processed } (That's the smooth) has often been asked and addressed: } It's if you can't afford } The fancier sort } Smooth is the favorite (As I've heard it professed). } } For the smooth kind is cheaper, although it be dull } (That's just an opinion, but I'm an expert and all) } If you pay close attention } To what's 'tween your dentition } The peanutty taste in the smooth is quite null. } } Yes! The crunchy peanutty-est butter's for we } For it tastes like what it is supposed to be } It tastes like a peanut! } And, yes, I do mean it } When I say that this is what peanut butter should be. } } So to answer your question, the smooth-lovers are dense } (That or their flavour sensors just don't sense) } But those who eat crunchy } As a snack or for lunchy } Are those on the happier side of the fence. --- 692-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you do with a drunken sailor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Induce vomitting. Drinking a sailor can be bad for your health. --- 692-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Wise and Most Mighty Oracle, > Knower of all things, and > Understander of life > > Tell me thus: > > Why is neopolitan ice cream made up of chocolate strawberry and > vanilla??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thanks for flattering remarks, I will gladly answer your question. } } Neopolitan ice cream was actually created after an accident with a } plain old vanilla batch. There are various rumours, but the truth is } that the red and brown came from a passing herd of groundhogs who } unfortunately were misdirected by the lollipop lady into one of the } vats. } } You owe the oracle a can of soda to wash the fur down. --- 692-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I find some good luck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go down to the red light district, for $100.00 you can get lucky. --- 692-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where oh where has my little dog gone ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UNIX Answer: } Try 'grep little.dog'. } } Macintosh Answer: } Use the 'Find Dog' utility that's on your original system disks. } } DOS Answer: } Sorry, but the current version doesn't support little dogs. } You can try some third-party dog-management utilities if } you think that might help, though. } } Windows Answer: } Edit your DOG.INI file. Find a line that starts with "LOC_DOG=". } After the equals sign, type the full directory path like this: } "LOC_DOG=C:\WINDOWS\PETS\HOUSE\LITTLE.DOG" Restart Windows. } } You owe the Oracle an upgrade to MS-DOG. --- 692-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oraculus One: > > I just found this weird stick-looking thingy in the basement. It has > just a few little knobs and a lever or switch kind of thing on it and > is made of wood and metal, I think. WOW! I just pulled a little on > the lever and there was a loud BOOM noise. And would you look at that? > There's a big hole in the wall! What do you make of that? Huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How many times do I have to tell you, supplicant? } Only jump when the pogo stick is on the floor, not the wall! Unless, } of course, there is a lemur there. Then by all means, go ahead! } } You owe the Oracle a "Shoot the NRA" bumper sticker. --- 692-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: LRH The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, whose advice in love is second to none... > > What is the best way to win over the affections of a girl whose > personal ad might run as follows: > > *SWF, 18, 5'2", 105 lbs., petite, cute, brown hair, blue eyes. Just > broke up with boyfriend. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle suggests that you sing her a love song, and he has } one that must have been written for the very girl you describe! (It is } by Fish Karma, but she will be more impressed if you tell her you wrote } it specially for her.) } } She Is the Mammal } } She is warmblooded } and she walks on two legs; } She bears live young, she } doesn't spore, or lay eggs; } She respirates and she procreates } she digests, and then expels waste! } } Oh, she's ... the mammal for me! } } She has two nostrils } that she likes to breathe through, } With little hairs inside that capture } all the dirt that tries to push its way through; } She has a past--she's self-aware } She's got opposable thumbs and a vacant stare, oh } } [Chorus] She's the mammal for me! } She is the mammal that I love! [repeat] } } She has milk-producing organs } that have little clusters of alveoli, } A four-chambered heart that beats } so wildly when she gets near me, } Sweat glands in her hair and skin, } a highly developed nervous system! } } She's the mammal for me! } } Self-projecting cartilaginous processes } that I whisper sweet nothings into, } A muscular diaphragm and nuclei, } free corpuscles too } There's so much articulation don't you know } between her tibial and her tarsal bones, oh } } She's the mammal for me! [repeat etc.] } } (c) 1991 Triple K Records } reprinted under the Oracle Fair Use provision and relevant Geneva } conventions --- 692-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O., oh great and magnificent O. forgive us this dreadful toadying... > but you just so great and well... super. And I'd just like to say gosh > we're all really impressed down here. > > What is God's favorite recipe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O grovling mortal, } } I went to God and asked Him what His favorite recipe is. (After all, } although I am an Oracle, I cannot see into God's head. 'Cause gosh, } God is so very big.) He gave me a copy, reprinted here. } } Trouble } } 1 cup flour } 2 tsp salt } 5 eggs } 7 troy oz gold, powdered } 4 tsp baking powder } 1/3 cup crystalized ginger (chopped) } 1 tbsp butter } 1 eye of newt } 5 leeks, cleaned and chopped } 1 Central American dictator } 2 cups cocaine } 1 dispatch to Associated Press } } Sift the flour and salt together in a medium sized bowl. Add the } eggs, mixing thouroughly. Add the gold, slowly. Next mix in the } baking powder and the crystalized ginger. Set aside. } } Place the butter in a frying pan over medium heat. Once the butter } has melted, add the newt's eye. Fry until sclera becomes opaque. } (Sclera is the viscous fluid filling the eyeball.) Now add the leeks. } Continue frying until the leeks are nearly transparent. Let cool. } } Add the leek/eye mixture to the flour/egg/gold mixture. Mix } thouroghly. Pour into a greased and floured cake form and bake at 350 } degrees for 25-30 minutes. Cake is done when an inserted toothpick } won't come out at all. } } Turn the cake out onto the Central American dictator. Once he is } sufficiently stunned, place him in his house. Add cocaine to taste. } Next, release a dispatch to Associated Press about the cocaine and the } dictator. Stand well back. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Julia Child in Heaven"